Confused and in need of some advice

[tstesen]

Here goes. I met my live in boyfriend back in 2003 and we were friends for a few years before we got together. In November of 2006 he decided he wanted to make a cross country move from where we lived in FL to CO. I thought about it long and hard and decided to make the move. Since moving to CO I've noticed a change in my boyfriend not just in his attitude but in his wants and dreams as well. I have tried to be very supportive but I feel most of the time like I'm the only one trying to hold this relationship together.

Before our move my bf was in sales and was miserable a lot of time due to having to travel a lot and the overall stress of the job. In moving to CO he ranted how he wanted to just have a "normal" not so stressful job. However since moving he has since changed his mind about what he wants and doesn't want. Initially he decided to go to work for a large chain store. He started out as a regular associate and although he wasn't making as much money he seemed happier and our relationship was okay. Not long after he got promoted to assistant store manger. I began to get nervous as he began to talk about the possibility of getting his own store to manage. Before this was an issue we talked about it and I voiced my concerns. A few years back I too worked in a chain store and although I wasn't a manger I saw the toll it took on our store manager who was also a friend of mine and his girlfriend and child.

Low and behold a few months later I called my bf at work only to be told by his manager that he was on his way home. He had been offered a store over 100 miles away and had accepted. I was reeling from the news. I couldn't believe he would accept without talking to me first as he knew I had concerns. Being the good girlfriend I am I accepted the fact and decided to just go with it. I didn't want to be the girl that stood between him and what he wanted even though when I agreed to make the cross country move I hadn't agreed to all this.

After all this his company whisked him away to training in CA and I like the good little girlfriend I am packed our entire house up in two weeks. I then lived out of a hotel in our new town for a month while we searched for a new home.

And as you can guess his taking this position has put a HUGE strain on our relationship. I spend a majority of my time alone and when I do see him he's tired, or stressed or busy on the phone with his employees even though he just left them after being at the store all day.

Currently he's on another business trip (his third since accepting the position in Feb.). He left on Sunday morning super early so I didn't see or talk to him and he didn't bother to call me the entire time he's been gone. I don't know which airline he took or even what hotel he was staying in. I asked but he just said "I don't know".

About an hour ago he called to let me know that he was stuck in AZ and he wouldn't make it home until late tonight. And of course he'll be up and back in the store early tomorrow. I should also mention that his days off are Sunday and Monday both of which he was gone so I haven't spent any time with him in awhile.

I brought up my unhappiness a few days before he left again and when I broach the subject of breaking up he gets upset. Although I can't see what the point of staying together is when I feel like I'm the one continually making sacrifices for his happiness. I feel like if I stay for the rest of my life I'll never get the reciprocation I need.

I do everything for my bf as I'm a graphic designer and work from home. I cook, clean, do laundry, everything that he needs I do. Don't get me wrong I love him to death otherwise I would just leave and not look back but I get the feeling that he just doesn't feel the same way.

When he called a little while ago to tell me he was stuck in AZ I was less then friendly to him. He of course asked me what was wrong and I told him it really didn't matter anymore. I'm not sure what will happen when he gets home late tonight but I'm angry and in need of some advice. Of course if he comes home and I lash out things won't be pretty.

I don't think I want too much out of the relationship. I just want us to be able to spend time together and do things as a couple but his constant work is putting a damper on everything. When I confront him about it he gets angry and insists he's doing this for us but I disagree. I never asked for this nor did I want it. HE DID. His theory is I should just be happy with what I have and not complain because after all he's doing it for "me".

Any advice?

[andrew]

Well, if you told him that you didn't want this, or ask for this, and he says he's doing it for YOU, he's simple using you as a sheep-goat for your own dissatisfaction.

I can understand if he's honestly doing it to try and support you etc, but if it's making you more miserable, and he does nothing about it, then obviously that's not the case.

You need to just lay it out for him.

If he's happy with what he's doing, then great, let him do it. You'll just have to accept it and a. deal with it or b. find somebody else.

If he's willing to change it or work on your lives, great. But if this is something he wants and enjoys, let him. Just tell him it's not for you though. Hopefully it wont come to that, but if it's the case, better now than 10 years after marriage.

[Lea]

I'm sorry to say that Andrew is right. Unless he is willing to give serious considerations for your needs along with his own, then chances of you ever being happy in this relationship are extremely low and time spent waiting for things to change will be unfruitful.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Relationships are important. Mission in life is important but both need to be balanced. All relationship and no mission=no attraction. All mission and no relationship equals the same thing.

Have you sat him down and talked calmly with him about this without judging or criticizing him?

Have you fully spoken your truth about how you feel about this situation? or have you been just going along with it?

I agree with you that there is no point to a relationship with out time invested in it. You have the title of girlfriend but it's in name only.

it's great how supportive you have been of him but at a certain point you are hurting yourself in order to help him.

[tstesen]

"If he's willing to change it or work on your lives, great. But if this is something he wants and enjoys, let him. Just tell him it's not for you though. Hopefully it wont come to that, but if it's the case, better now than 10 years after marriage."

Thanks for your input Andrew, I appreciate it. I feel the same way. I was married before to a man who did not treat me like I wanted to be treated although he was far worse then my current boyfriend. Sometimes I wish I didn't love him so much and it wouldn't be so difficult. When I first entered this relationship four years ago I didn't want to get re-married but time has softened my feelings about getting remarried and that is my future goal. Whether or not its with my current bf only time will tell I suppose.

[Angela]

Listen, he's taking care of his own well-being. Also, you are taking care of his own well-being. So, who is taking care of your well-being? Nobody.

You mention several times being "a good little girlfriend", how supportive you are, taking care of everything that he needs. You moved across the country to accommodate his wishes, not because you wanted to, and now you seem to feel he owes you something for it. You are very unhappy with the choices he's making, and you feel he should do what you want him to do.

All in all, I'd say you are not taking 100% responsibility for your satisfaction and fulfillment. My guess is that he feels burdened and stressed living with someone who relies on him for her satisfaction and fulfillment, and who pushes him to be and do other than what he does and is.

This way of being, "it really doesn't matter anymore." That is dishonest and manipulative, I think. In your heart, you know that it really DOES matter. You are full of pain, longing and regret -- it matters! If it really didn't matter, you'd pack up and leave him with love and good wishes. No one is forcing you to make the choices you are currently making.

If I were you, I would take a bold look at how my way of being is keeping me feeling stuck -- how I am blaming him for my unhappiness, and requiring him to change before I am willing to be satisfied and fulfilled. I would look at how much I'm costing myself and him in terms of love, freedom, joy, and connection, by being the way I am being. And I would look for a more inspiring way of being, one in which I am taking 100% responsibility for my choices, and generating a space of freedom for him to make his own. I would practice letting go of what's not working, like blame and shame, and start generating something that is missing, something that would make a difference if it were present.

Stop doing everything for your boyfriend, and start doing everything for your own well-being. Make your own well-being your #1 priority. Pick up a copy of "Make Any Man Want You" by Marie Forleo (the title is a bit of a misnomer -- it's really about dynamically creating a life you love, and being madly in love with your own life.)

Best wishes to you, and keep us posted. By the way, in New-Age circles, Colorado is supposed to be one of the "power points" on the planet for dynamic personal growth. Congratulations for finding yourself there!

[tstesen]

'You have the title of girlfriend but it's in name only."


You nailed it Alexjstrandberg, that exactly how I feel. I feel more like the housekeeper and mom more so then his gf a lot of time. I told him he reaps all of the rewards without any of the work or sacrifice.

When he came home last night we talked for a little while and he told me some things that I'm pleased with although the proof is in the pudding if you know what I mean. I'll believe it when I see it is how I feel. He can make all the promises in the world but if they never come to fruitation then what's the point.

He says he spoke with his district manager and told him that he would be trying to cut down his hours in the store to save his relationship. He also mentioned that he spoke to a co-workers girlfriend last week about possibly babysitting the children so we can go out and have some couple time together. All of which I'm very happy about.

Having had to move out to the "sticks" has been hard on me and not afforded me much interaction with other adults. I know this has a lot to do with my feelings as well. In a way I'm almost resentful that I had to move to this tiny little town and leave behind all that I knew.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by tstesen

In a way I'm almost resentful that I had to move to this tiny little town and leave behind all that I knew.

"almost" resentful? "had to" move and leave behind all you knew?

[tstesen]

Thanks Angela, your post really made me stop and think. So much so that I started to cry just reading your words. I know I am resentful towards him for the choices he has made although you're right in that I did go along with it. I'm more angry I think that I was led to believe one thing when I moved out here only to have things go in the opposite direction once I was here. If I had known the things I know now I probably would have made the choice to stay where I was and let him go.

There were other circumstances surrounding my anger towards him that I didn't include in my post one of which has been very trying for me. Initially when we made the move my bf was supposed to become my business partner and help to run the business I built. He led me to believe that's what he wanted and I had the paperwork drawn up and made him my partner and expanded our business only to have him turn around after it was done and decide that's not what he wanted after all. So I've been stuck doing all the work which has only added to my resentment towards him. I understand he needs to do what's right for him I just wish he could be more clear on what those things are instead of dragging me and the children around with him while he figures it out.

I know I cannot force him to do what I want him to do but I would be nice if there was a compromise on both our parts sometimes instead of me being the one to always compromise. I have goals and wants as well which he doesn't seem to be very receptive to.

I guess I need to sit down and do some soul searching and reflection on what it is I've done and how I can move forward without all this baggage. Thanks again Angela, I greatly appreciate your taking the time to weigh in on my situation.

[tstesen]

Originally Posted by Angela

"almost" resentful? "had to" move and leave behind all you knew?

Maybe I've been confusing in my post. When he accepted this position we were already living in CO, in Denver to be exact. When he made the choice to accept the position and move 100 miles away he did so without my knowing or even bothering to discuss this with me. So either I moved or I was homeless. And with two small children homelessness is not an option.

I should also mention that moving from place to place having a business has been very upsetting. When he popped this latest move on me I had just ordered a ton of new supplies for our business all of which now have the wrong address and information on them. He has not only cost me time and heartache but a great deal of money as well which he doesn't seem to think is that big a deal. I just think some courtesy for the person you love would be nice.

[Angela]

tstesen, it sounds like you and your children are financially depending on this man. Wasn't it your choices that led you into this situation? Don't you think it would be a good idea to focus not on your resentment and blame, but rather, on generating an inspiring new possibility for yourself and your kids, like abundance and independence?

It's startling that you say you would be homeless if not for your association with this guy. Is that because you are unable, or is it because you are unwilling to put a roof over your own head?

These kids -- are they his?

You know, both romantic and business partners make choices that conflict with what we want. Agreements are broken, promises are not lived up to, preferences are not met. And -- Who We Are is infinite power and abundance. Our ability to generate is never diminished, except by our own choice.

So, if you were to let go of making this guy wrong, or wishing he was other than what he is, what would you want to generate for yourself and your children? What would inspire you, light you on fire, make you leap out of bed in the morning, itching to start your day?

[tstesen]

Originally Posted by Angela

tstesen, it sounds like you and your children are financially depending on this man. Wasn't it your choices that led you into this situation? Don't you think it would be a good idea to focus not on your resentment and blame, but rather, on generating an inspiring new possibility for yourself and your kids, like abundance and independence?

It's startling that you say you would be homeless if not for your association with this guy. Is that because you are unable, or is it because you are unwilling to put a roof over your own head?

These kids -- are they his?

You know, both romantic and business partners make choices that conflict with what we want. Agreements are broken, promises are not lived up to, preferences are not met. And -- Who We Are is infinite power and abundance. Our ability to generate is never diminished, except by our own choice.

So, if you were to let go of making this guy wrong, or wishing he was other than what he is, what would you want to generate for yourself and your children? What would inspire you, light you on fire, make you leap out of bed in the morning, itching to start your day?

I'm not financially dependent on him as I own my own business but I had dumped so much of my savings into making the cross country move and setting up house here in CO. My options were to move back to FL or to move with him to the new town. I couldn't afford another cross country move as I had just payed for one which he knew. When this happened we had also just lost our cat who was 16 and we had tried to save him to no avail which cost hundreds of dollars in vet bills. Basically if this would have happened later it wouldn't have been such an issue but his timing was extremely bad. I also had to dump out tons of money to move my business to CO and acquire all the new licensing and such that is required by law here. I had to open new bank accounts and the list goes on and on. Basically he made it very uncomfortable for me to do anything else besides follow him.

Between us we have 3 children. I have 2 from a previous marriage and he has 1 from the same. His son lives out of state with his mother although we pay child support for him. My two children live with us (I do not receive any monetary help from my ex although I've tried and tried to get the courts to make him help me). I know this is not my bf's problem and I don't make it his. My youngest who is 4 has known no other father then my bf which makes things more difficult. She does not know that he isn't her biological father although we plan to tell her when she's older and can understand.

When I broach the subject of leaving he often throws "do you think that's the best thing for the children" at me which makes me feel guilty. As it stands right now I'm trying to rebuild my savings so if need be I can get out in the future although I'd rather see us work through things and rebuild our relationship. Despite everything I still care deeply for him and my children love him to pieces. He is a good father despite our relationship issues which I am grateful for. I make sure that he knows I am grateful for that.

Originally Posted by Angela

What would inspire you, light you on fire, make you leap out of bed in the morning, itching to start your day?

That is a very thought provoking question. I feel like I have gone so far off course sometimes that I don't even know myself anymore what I'm doing. I spent a majority of my life trying to get away from the hurt of my past but apparently I'm not doing a very good job of it. My boyfriend suggested I see a therapist to have someone to talk things over with so I can move forward in life. I do have some deep underlying issues resulting from my childhood that I never resolved so I might take his advice and do that. Although I don't know if I can sit face to face with someone and tell them everything that's gone on. I have a great fear of being judged by others.

Off to do some deep thinking and soul searching. Thanks again Angela. You have been great.

[Angela]

You are welcome, and I really acknowledge you for your openness an receptiveness. I can be a gunslinger, I've been told; and when I am, it's because I'm talking to a portion of myself that recognizes that sometimes a roof has to fall on my head.

Your language in these posts is pretty revealing. (I am struck in the last post that "we" are paying child support for his child by another woman, but your 2 children are not his responsibility and you don't make it so. Even though he is effectively the only dad they've known.) Also the "like a good little girlfriend" stuff... that sounds like old pain to me, which you seem to have gotten a glimpse of in your recognition that you have a great fear of being judged by others. My guess is that you have spent your adult life proving that you're a good girl and avoiding people seeing that you're a bad girl.

What happened? When did you decide that you were a bad little girl? How old were you? Who was there? What was said, and what exactly were the words your little girl self used to describe yourself? "I am ______."

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by tstesen

I'm not financially dependent on him as I own my own business but I had dumped so much of my savings into making the cross country move and setting up house here in CO. My options were to move back to FL or to move with him to the new town. I couldn't afford another cross country move as I had just payed for one which he knew. When this happened we had also just lost our cat who was 16 and we had tried to save him to no avail which cost hundreds of dollars in vet bills. Basically if this would have happened later it wouldn't have been such an issue but his timing was extremely bad. I also had to dump out tons of money to move my business to CO and acquire all the new licensing and such that is required by law here. I had to open new bank accounts and the list goes on and on. Basically he made it very uncomfortable for me to do anything else besides follow him.

Between us we have 3 children. I have 2 from a previous marriage and he has 1 from the same. His son lives out of state with his mother although we pay child support for him. My two children live with us (I do not receive any monetary help from my ex although I've tried and tried to get the courts to make him help me). I know this is not my bf's problem and I don't make it his. My youngest who is 4 has known no other father then my bf which makes things more difficult. She does not know that he isn't her biological father although we plan to tell her when she's older and can understand.

When I broach the subject of leaving he often throws "do you think that's the best thing for the children" at me which makes me feel guilty. As it stands right now I'm trying to rebuild my savings so if need be I can get out in the future although I'd rather see us work through things and rebuild our relationship. Despite everything I still care deeply for him and my children love him to pieces. He is a good father despite our relationship issues which I am grateful for. I make sure that he knows I am grateful for that.



That is a very thought provoking question. I feel like I have gone so far off course sometimes that I don't even know myself anymore what I'm doing. I spent a majority of my life trying to get away from the hurt of my past but apparently I'm not doing a very good job of it. My boyfriend suggested I see a therapist to have someone to talk things over with so I can move forward in life. I do have some deep underlying issues resulting from my childhood that I never resolved so I might take his advice and do that. Although I don't know if I can sit face to face with someone and tell them everything that's gone on. I have a great fear of being judged by others.

Off to do some deep thinking and soul searching. Thanks again Angela. You have been great.

He's putting the job ahead of you all the time. That's just not right and you shouldn't have to live like that. Do you think it's good for your kids to see that? Nope. They see daddy's never home and, when he is, he doesn't take care of mommy. They're going to see you and say, "Mommies stay at home and take care of everything and get nothing. Mommy works for Daddy." He should at least show you love in front of them. He should do family things with you and the kids without being on his cell phone....

[tstesen]

Originally Posted by Angela

Also the "like a good little girlfriend" stuff... that sounds like old pain to me, which you seem to have gotten a glimpse of in your recognition that you have a great fear of being judged by others. My guess is that you have spent your adult life proving that you're a good girl and avoiding people seeing that you're a bad girl.

What happened? When did you decide that you were a bad little girl? How old were you? Who was there? What was said, and what exactly were the words your little girl self used to describe yourself? "I am ______."

More thought provoking questions. I don't really know where or when I started to feel that way. I have felt like that most of my life. I had a rough childhood, both my parents abandoned me as a small child and thankfully my mother's mother took me in. She was all I had in the world and unfortunately for me she died three years ago this May from cancer. Sometimes I feel as if I have no one to confide in as I don't have family (I have no sisters and brothers from my parents). Both of biological parents remarried and had new families and I'm not close with any of my half siblings. I was always treated as the outsider. I realize that my pain from my parents has carried over in to my adult life although I don't know how to stop it.

Deep down I have always felt like maybe its me, maybe there is something wrong with me that makes people not want to love me. I know its silly as I was only 2-3 when my parents abandoned me so really what could I have done but it still hurts nonetheless.

My grandmother although with good intentions was a harsh woman herself. She moved to America in her 40's from Germany and had a military attitude about her. There was little love from her although I knew she loved me she just didn't know how to show it. That unfortunetaly has carried with me to. I find it difficult to hug or show affection to others because of how I was brought up. It's something I'm working on to change particularly when it comes to my children. That's one legacy I really need to overcome or else it will carry through to my children's life when they are adults.

I tried to reconcile with my biological mother in Oct of last year but it didn't go very well. She flew out here to CO and was supposed to stay for 2 weeks so she could get to know me but I sent her home after 1 due to her uncontrollable drinking problem. My biological mother is also a drug addict which has made things very difficult for me.

So I think I have a good grasp of where I started to feel like I do but how does one change something like that? I have a hard time believing if I go give my song and dance to a therapist that he/she will be able to "fix" me. In writing this I realized I have a great fear of loss of any kind because I have already "lost" so much.

[tstesen]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

He's putting the job ahead of you all the time. That's just not right and you shouldn't have to live like that. Do you think it's good for your kids to see that? Nope. They see daddy's never home and, when he is, he doesn't take care of mommy. They're going to see you and say, "Mommies stay at home and take care of everything and get nothing. Mommy works for Daddy." He should at least show you love in front of them. He should do family things with you and the kids without being on his cell phone....

You are correct that is how I feel. I've accepted that fact that this is the career he has now chosen and I don't want to stand in his way. His ex prevented him from following his dreams in his twenties and he resents her. I don't want him to resent me. All I really want is to know that I am a priority in his life and that my thoughts and feelings matter to him.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by tstesen

You are correct that is how I feel. I've accepted that fact that this is the career he has now chosen and I don't want to stand in his way. His ex prevented him from following his dreams in his twenties and he resents her. I don't want him to resent me. All I really want is to know that I am a priority in his life and that my thoughts and feelings matter to him.

Demand couples counseling if you don't want to do it alone. Then you both get a fair shake, plus, it sounds like you're at the end of your rope. Rather than just jump ship, you could demand he does this as an ultimatum. It lets him know you're dead serious, but also want to work it out. If he says no, then you might want to take that as a sign he'll never change and make your decision from there.

[tstesen]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

Demand couples counseling if you don't want to do it alone. Then you both get a fair shake, plus, it sounds like you're at the end of your rope. Rather than just jump ship, you could demand he does this as an ultimatum. It lets him know you're dead serious, but also want to work it out. If he says no, then you might want to take that as a sign he'll never change and make your decision from there.

Great advice. I don't really want to jump ship as I've invested four years in this relationship and after my failed marriage I just don't know if I have it in me to start again with someone new. Maybe I should drag him to the therapist with me in hope's that some outside input will change his mind.

For awhile I was thinking it was just me but he's told me that his employees have mentioned to him that he spends too much time at the store and a few weeks ago I had my best friend from childhood out to visit and he said that she mentioned the same to him when he drove her to the airport to fly home.

If people on the outside can see this and objectively it can't just be all in my head. I just don't know how to make him see that. He often feels bad and vows to change things but things go great for a day or so and then its right back into the old habits.

I understand his plight as I'm a bit of a workaholic myself but I've learned I must balance my home and work life or I burn out. And for me its even more difficult as my office is in my home so really I can never "leave" work. I just have to make a conscious effort to devote time to my family.

Thanks for your advice.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by tstesen

Great advice. I don't really want to jump ship as I've invested four years in this relationship and after my failed marriage I just don't know if I have it in me to start again with someone new. Maybe I should drag him to the therapist with me in hope's that some outside input will change his mind.

For awhile I was thinking it was just me but he's told me that his employees have mentioned to him that he spends too much time at the store and a few weeks ago I had my best friend from childhood out to visit and he said that she mentioned the same to him when he drove her to the airport to fly home.

If people on the outside can see this and objectively it can't just be all in my head. I just don't know how to make him see that. He often feels bad and vows to change things but things go great for a day or so and then its right back into the old habits.

I understand his plight as I'm a bit of a workaholic myself but I've learned I must balance my home and work life or I burn out. And for me its even more difficult as my office is in my home so really I can never "leave" work. I just have to make a conscious effort to devote time to my family.

Thanks for your advice.

This way, by demanding, he'll realize you're really serious. This is a real and immediate problem for you. Once he gets there, it will feel like a fair playing field because the therapist knows nothing and will be unbiased. Plus, he'll really be able to focus because it's a scheduled thing. He can't say he doesn't have time because the time was scheduled. He can treat it like a meeting...

I really hope it works out for you.