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| seriously, it feels like no one cares about reputation or dignity anymore =/ honestly i don't see a point in cheating
__________________ teach me the wrong and right and i'll show you what i can be. |
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| does people think about it as "i got to cheat" or what? =/ i know it's something not to be curious about, it's just that i want to understand what others think that makes them do it
__________________ teach me the wrong and right and i'll show you what i can be. |
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| I don't cheat--I'm openly polygamous, and my boyfriend and I share with each other news about anyone with whom we may want to have personal relations. We make sure to ask each other first before going ahead involving anyone else, and make sure to tell anyone we may be interested in that we're already in an open, polygamous relationship. This way, everyone's in the know. |
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__________________ We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems. - John W. Gardner |
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| Completely agree with those two ways of going about it, it's the only two honest ones. |
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| But what if you want to go back? This is what my husband did. Left, got involved with someone else and then wanted to come back. I can tell you from experience it hurts just as much as being cheated on. He just announced it before he did it. Is that supposed to make it hurt less? |
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As to whether or not you take him back, only you know if you can handle that. For me, it would be much easier to reconcile and move forward knowing I wasn't lied to or cheated on. The leaving still hurts, but at least you have honesty. That can be built on. I'm definitely not saying that means you should take him back. I just prefer painful honesty over painful lies and cheating.
__________________ We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems. - John W. Gardner |
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I'm not saying being cheated on is ever good but I made a mistake goes down easier than I just decided to do this and really didn't care who I hurt. |
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| You know, it might be worthwhile to look boldly at what you are creating with the whole line of thought of "cheating." You have an agreement with your partner that you will remain sexually faithful to each other forever, until one of you dies. One of you breaks that agreement and has sex with someone else. Just like any broken agreement (it happens), what would be possible in your relationship, and in your life, if you let go of judgement? Calling it "cheating" is certainly a judgement. We have been profoundly trained to believe that "cheating" is just about the worst thing you could do to a person; you are terribly diminished and injured if your partner "cheats." This in my mind is a really powerful enforcement for being a victim and absolving yourself of 100% responsibility. What if you were to actually take 100% responsibility for your own satisfaction and fulfillment, let go of judgement of your partner, and boldly look at who you are being that the partnership occurs for you as a source of suffering? You might see that your partner is taking his own next right action, engaging in love with another person. You might see that your own clinging has created a space of no freedom for your partner, in which he's acting out. You might see that you yourself are not as committed as you pretend to be and he is a mirror for you. You might see that the agreement you made is unworkable or unreasonable. You might see that you married a chronic liar or manipulator (YOU married that person). You might see an avenue through which you can actually grow stronger as a couple. In no way does anything that might come as a result of your partner having sex with another person diminish you. It hurts when your closest friend breaks a promise to you. And it probably reactivates your old pain -- fears and convictions that you are worthless or nothing or unlovable or in danger of being abandoned. But it does not affect Who You Are -- infinite joy and abundance. He might be cheating himself, but he's not cheating you in any real way. You are intact: whole, perfect, and complete. What would be possible if you could let go of making your partner wrong and generate the values you want for yourself, your partnership, and your life? |
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I also don't think that being honest necessarily means he didn't care. To me it would mean he cared enough not to cheat on you, lie and sneak around. That's from my perspective not being in the relationship or knowing either of you personally. How is cheating any less deliberate than leaving because you want to be with someone else? In both cases, you decide to do something that you know is going to hurt the other person. Do you really think that if he had cheated behind your back it was an "accident" but that because he left it was on purpose? I don't see it that way. I see it as still deliberate but also dishonest when you cheat. That just adds bad upon bad in my mind. But, I really have no intention of telling you how you should feel. You are entitled to feel however you do. I just have a higher regard for honesty that anything else. I prefer it even when it's painful. Your personal experience and different views on this are bound to bring out some pain, and I don't want to add to that. I just have the perspective of preferring to know the truth. I see the up-front honesty as a caring gesture while to you it feels very hurtful. Aside from all of this, I am really sorry you went through that. Oh, and what Angela said...
__________________ We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems. - John W. Gardner |
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But look at it this way, people are absolutely free to be with whomever they want to be. Just cause you're together with someone doesn't mean you are entitled to them in any sort of way. Even a marriage certificate is not a certificate of ownership of another human being - even though I guess lots of people think of it as such. What you are entitled to though while you're together is honesty. Your partner is free to do whatever he wants to do, but if any of it concerns you, you have a right to know. If your partner knows you want a monogamous relationship and decides to have sex with another, you're entitled to know about that. If he doesn't tell you cause he wants to remain together with you and fears you could leave or something, he's withholding vital information from you. He's betraying the trust you place in him to be honest. That's a killer, far more than a bit of sex on the side could ever be. He disrespects your right to make your own choice. That's not to say you're to take him back after he decided to break up, but at least he's not betrayed you. He made a choice and for him it turned out to be the wrong one, the choice whether you want to give it a second chance or not is yours. |
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Would I rather have an honest partner who doesn't care if he hurts me and goes and does what he wants knowing it will hurt me or a dishonest one who tried not to hurt me? Wrong as that may be. I don't think there is a winner here. To me, deliberately choosing to leave is worse, if you intend on coming back that is. If you're leaving for good then it's better you leave first. You just don't come back. Last edited by ivorytickler : 06-11-2008 at 05:15 PM. |
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But there is a whole other way to look at it, which is what Angela posted. Not easy, but very freeing.
__________________ We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems. - John W. Gardner |
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I thought it was more like he left and then later on found out it had been a mistake to leave in the first place and then wanted to come back. Or maybe that he wasn't sure of what he wanted. In that case I'd still prefer him to leave in public than cheat in secrecy. I just don't like the thought of my mate padding me in cotton lies, not even if it's not done for selfish reasons but with the intent of keeping me from emotional distress. I wouldn't so much see the considerate and caring aspect of it( though I won't deny that it can undoubtedly be there) but to me it'd feel like being baby-ed and I'd rather be looked upon as an equal who can deal with whatever truths are out there. |
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| The way I see it is... if a man is in a marriage and wants to have a relationship with someone else either choice he makes is deliberate. He either deliberately goes behind his wife's back, or he tells her up front what he's doing and he leaves. Either way is hurtful, of course. There is absolutely NO way of avoiding hurt. But I honestly think that in this case being upfront is definitely fairer. No matter how you look at it, choosing to have sex with someone isn't something you do by accident... whatever the person is feeling, they KNOW what they want to do. I really believe a man (or a woman for that matter...I'm just using man as an example as in this case it was a man) who is upfront and honest about his intentions is someone I'd rather trust, than would be a man who'd go behind my back. Being honest is far more risky, in that there is a good chance that if things don't work out with the new woman his wife may never take him back if he changes his mind. Whereas, he could justify that if he doesn't tell his wife, and things don't work out with the new woman then it's okay, cause his wife doesn't know. It's not about him thinking he could "come back later" either. He was probably pretty darn certain he wanted to be with another woman, but then after being with her discovered that the grass wasn't any greener, it was just a different shade of green, and probably one he didn't actually like as much as the original! I have been in a similar situation, and I'd definitely say honesty wins hands down. I'd be far more likely to trust a man who'd been honest with me and who made a mistake, than one who went behind my back to make the same mistake! |
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I have to decide what I can and cannot live with and go from there. Accepting blame for his actions and, effectively, excusing his actions in the proccess isn't going to help anything. |
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You know, it doesn't matter why he came back. He shouldn't have. He made the choice to leave. He made the choice to be with someone else and in so doing destroyed our marriage vows. There's nothing to come back to. He threw it away. You can't go back to the dump and reclaim your refuse. |
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I guess what I really think is if you're leaving for someone else, you shoudl have enough respect for your ex to just stay gone. Don't try to come back. |
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