what would you do in my position?

[Lazarus]

i'm gonna get straight to the point.

i've been going out with this girl for almost two years. thing is, she was the best friend of my little brothers at the begining. (i know bad idea now) we've been going out for two years and my brother constantly treatens, harrasses, and stalks her at school. however i'm not in school and have been looking for a job. i've tried to tell my mom about this, but he's got the baby of the family avantage and accuses me of being a liar. of course, my mom takes his side. (for one reason, i think it's cause i chose to live with my dad rather than my mother cause i didn't want to see my two brothers (older and little) depressed and moping around while my mother goes nuts for my father leaving her.) after two years, we broke up because we didn't feel like we used to, we had daily fights, for over two weeks and

we never lived together btw. i'm 19, he's 18 and she's 16

point is, my brother is still mad at me and cause he's got my mom's side, the most of the family is supporting him. how can i really look forward to this christmas with my mom's side of the family without having a scene nor involving my dad's side of the family? would you guys think that i should destroy the bridge between me and my mom's side of the family?

ps. i called the cops on my brother for hitting my girlfriend in front of me, and he got off with a warning. and he tells them he's getting charged. he's a liar and it seems like he's got almost everyone wrapped around his finger. honestly, i feel like beating him down to the ground but i dont' want to let go the cops that are on my side.

[Mr_A]

First you need to specify exactly what you want from your brother.
And
You need to specify exactly what your brother wants.
Then you try to his needs. Yes that’s right you meet his needs and in doing so he will take steps to meet yours.
Approach him as if your negotiating with an equal not an annoying brother.
It sounds to me like you both have issues.
You're both men now, work it out like two adults

[Angela]

Hold on there. A 16 year old girl is being beaten, threatened, harassed, and stalked. Where are her parents? Why are they not filing charges against your brother? Why are they not talking to the school about protection for their daughter?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

Hold on there. A 16 year old girl is being beaten, threatened, harassed, and stalked. Where are her parents? Why are they not filing charges against your brother? Why are they not talking to the school about protection for their daughter?

If they were fine with her dating a 17 year old when she was 14, I doubt they are that worried about it.

[Lazarus]

Originally Posted by Angela

Hold on there. A 16 year old girl is being beaten, threatened, harassed, and stalked. Where are her parents? Why are they not filing charges against your brother? Why are they not talking to the school about protection for their daughter?

her father works out west, her mother keeps telling her quit bugging my brother, even though it's the other way around, i find it kind of stupid that the school takes my brother's side cause it's "two against one". and as for the charges, imo she's stupid enough to give him a chance after hitting her, even after i said "i strongly suggest you charge him"

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Lazarus

her father works out west, her mother keeps telling her quit bugging my brother, even though it's the other way around, i find it kind of stupid that the school takes my brother's side cause it's "two against one". and as for the charges, imo she's stupid enough to give him a chance after hitting her, even after i said "i strongly suggest you charge him"

She's a CHILD, Lazarus. It sounds like she is surrounded by nothing but abusive older people.

[Lazarus]

but for her entire safety, i broke up with her and told her mom to take her out of here, away from my brother, i know she loves me and all but i don't want to see her hurt, and judging by my brother, he can do more than just hurt people. but my mom refuses to see that. and i wanted to handle with my brother on my own. but i just dont' know what to do with him.

[Lazarus]

i guess it is something i have to deal with on my own. nvm then =/

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Lazarus

i guess it is something i have to deal with on my own. nvm then =/

I'd like to help you out, but I'm not really sure what can be done if all of the adults in this girl's life insist of letting her be victimized. If you are worried for her safety, how about calling child protective services?

As for you and your brother, I wouldn't try to change him. I would just go about doing what is right for you in your own life. You can't force him to be different than he is.

[Lazarus]

it's not just my brother, it's that i still want to spend time with that family but it makes it hard when they're all siding with him. i live near the ontario/quebec border and she's moving to alberta

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Lazarus

it's not just my brother, it's that i still want to spend time with that family but it makes it hard when they're all siding with him. i live near the ontario/quebec border and she's moving to alberta

Well, in that case, when you go to spend time with your familiy, does this subject just automatically come up? How would a typical day with the family go?

[Lazarus]

when my brother's not at my grandmother's, my mom is, and that is just as bad cause she's the drama titan =/ and even when i try to reason with her and even when i say i don't want to hear it, i end up hearing it just the same

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Lazarus

when my brother's not at my grandmother's, my mom is, and that is just as bad cause she's the drama titan =/ and even when i try to reason with her and even when i say i don't want to hear it, i end up hearing it just the same

I would still go, but I just wouldn't engage in any conversation along those lines. If they press it, tell them you are not going to talk about it, but you would like it if you could spend time with them.

Are they the ones bringing the topic up all the time?

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by Lazarus

but for her entire safety, i broke up with her and told her mom to take her out of here, away from my brother, i know she loves me and all but i don't want to see her hurt, and judging by my brother, he can do more than just hurt people. but my mom refuses to see that. and i wanted to handle with my brother on my own. but i just dont' know what to do with him.

Okay, I'm a girl but I've got a younger sibling as well, and as a younger sibling that one also had the advantage of being the baby chicken as well. Still, if I were in your shoes...

I'd never leave my girl friend cause my little brother harasses her.

If I found out my little brother was stalking and beating my girl friend, I'd freak out, confront him and if need be beat the living crap out of him; and if my Mom should actually side with him I'd tell her exactly what I think about guys who beat and stalk girls and what I think about Moms who protect those abusive sobs.

If my Mom then decided to be mad at me, I'd decide to be even madder at her. Sorry to say, but I have no need for idiots in my life, be they relatives or not, and if someone goes against what I believe right, and truly wishes to pick a fight with me over it, fine, I'm perfectly willing to fight back.

Reason is all well and good, but if people disrespect boundaries like that, please show some backbone and civil courage. The way I see it if your brother beats you up, you're free to go Gandhi and hold the other cheek, but if your brother beats defenseless little girls up, do something about it that doesn't look so like a "I really don't want to get myself in trouble over it, so I look to others to do something about it" approach.

[Angela]

I'm totally with Tigerlilly, except for the violence.

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by Angela

except for the violence.

I truly wish there was a better way, and that you could simply reason anyone who crosses the line out of doing so, but as far as my experience goes sometimes there isn't any other way than physically defending yourself or others.

I'm totally aware that using violence is a tricky matter, but if a tiger attacked me I'd use a whip to keep him back as well and not try to reason him out of being a bad kitty. And some folks just like that simply haven't evolved to a level where reason plays any major part in their lives.

[Lazarus]

ok, let me say it again, this is a family that doesn't give a crap if it turns ugly, they'll defend him till the end or till they see the truth without me telling them =/ it's smurfed up, i know =/ violence are a huge probability, and i know he won't be the only one to fight me physically at the same moment =/

[Alexjstrandberg]

I wouldn't think twice about taking a guy down if he laid a hand on my girlfriend. I would never start a fight but if the guy is picking on a girl, thats where I draw the line. She looks to you to protect her and you didn't.

I would teach him a very good lesson about placing his hands on a woman. If your brother is doing it now at 18 to someone he's not dating, he will do it again when he has a girlfriend, a wife, whatever. This would be a nice opportunity to teach him that it's not right to do that type of sh*t to women. That beat down might straighten him up and send him in a better direction.

I would do that, then meditate on how I invited this type of situation into my life in the first place and learn the lessons so I wouldn't have to deal with it again.

and I would move away from my family the second I get the chance because they are so neurotic that they would overlook and not believe you when you say that your brother put a hand on your girlfriend-thats too big of an accusation for it to be ignored.

I don't advocate violence except when it comes to people trying to hurt the ones I love.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Lazarus

ok, let me say it again, this is a family that doesn't give a crap if it turns ugly, they'll defend him till the end or till they see the truth without me telling them =/ it's smurfed up, i know =/ violence are a huge probability, and i know he won't be the only one to fight me physically at the same moment =/

Have her call the cops. A night in the slammer will do him good. He's too old to be acting like such a child.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I don't know when the assault occured, or the laws in Canada, but if he is an adult and hits a minor child he should be arrested on the spot.

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by Lazarus

ok, let me say it again, this is a family that doesn't give a crap if it turns ugly, they'll defend him till the end or till they see the truth without me telling them =/ it's smurfed up, i know =/ violence are a huge probability, and i know he won't be the only one to fight me physically at the same moment =/

Since I can't see how your Mom's side of the family has any positive impact on your life or self-esteem right now I'd suggest the same you suggested yourself and leave them to their sweet selves, at least till they're smartened up, if they should ever choose to do so.

If I got it right, the girl in question is moving away and out of your brother's reach anyhow, so she'll be at least safe from him. Which doesn't change the fact that your Mom's side of the family looks incompatible with your values. My advice, if it's between your values and convictions and your folks, stick to your values.

You're 19 and still a teenager yourself, so I understand it's tough and the thought of letting go of at least part of your family like that even if they behave like a bunch of critters isn't a pleasant prospect. But the way it is now will only lead to you hating yourself, won't it? And they're treating you like a traitor already, making it difficult for you to be around them.

Maybe that's the LoA root of this whole situation: You moved in with your Dad cause you didn't want to be around your brothers and Mom and maybe you felt guilty over that as if you were letting them down though you also knew that you were doing the right thing for yourself, and now voila in a different package you have a situation where you are unjustly and unfairly treated by the exact same people as a traitor. But then that's just a wild guess, if you believe in LoA you'd really need to meditate on what unconscious focus brought this situation up in your life.

Still I think letting go of your Mom's side of the family for a while at least is just as good a decision as moving in with your Dad in the first place probably was. And as long as the girl in question is still around, look after her the way you'd be looking after yourself, it'll be good for you.

[AuspiciousEight]

Lazarus,

My two cents.

In this situation, I would've stayed with the girl.

I've actually been put in a similar situation(although not quite the same), so I know a little about what you're going through. In my case, I staid with her, lifted her out of her situation(both physically and emotionally), and made her my wife.

Tigerlilly,

I used to think that violence was required sometimes as well. Now I have the philosophy of "kill them with love", purely because I've watched intense compassion bring down the mightiest of beasts. Although, in the tiger's case, I may just get eaten. But then again, it would be one hell of a way to go.

[Lazarus]

i want to spend this time to thank all of you for your comments and your opinions.

i got a few members of that side of the family on my side. plus, she phoned and said that she managed to disuade her mom and she's coming back at the end of next month. i'm applying for a job tomorrow and i'm going to be working for one of my distant cousins two weeks from now. i know it's as hard as working like 100 mules but the run feels