Marriage & Crushes

[fitx3]

Is it wrong to be married and have a crush on someone else? I have no intention on doing anything with it but I have a crush on someone that will not go away! I feel like such a school girl.

[Parthon]

I say it's perfectly okay.

It probably just means that you see something in the other person than is cherishable. There's some quality to them that you desire that makes you like them more than other people.

You could also use that as an opportunity to see if you can tell what that possible quality is and if you can bring it into your own life, either through your own volition or through your husband. It could even be a sign of what's missing in your life, not as a problem but as an opportunity. If it's something that could enrich your life, it's something to check out and explore.

In the end it's fine, as long as you don't break the promise you made to your marriage. Although your husband may not be pleased if he is the Jealous type.

[fitx3]

Thank you Parthon. What you stated makes a lot of sense. He is a personal trainer at my gym and he is an example of many things that I want to aquire for myself. Strength, fitness, attractiveness, youthfulness, etc. Maybe what I'm really feeling is that I want to BE him! Nah, I'm really happy being a woman.

[Alexjstrandberg]

There is no such thing as right or wrong, they are simply judgments of the mind.

For the crush, if you have a crush on anyone than the person you are in a relationship with it means the relationship isn't going as well as it could be. If sexual energy is going outside of the relationship (yes crushes, thinking, fantasizing is leaking sexual energy) both you and your partner should sit down and figure out what the problem is.

Lying kills trust which in turn kills relationships. Not telling him what is going on will kill the trust because its withholding your truth.

or if you think the other person is a better fit for you, you owe it to yourself to be with that person and allow your partner to find someone who is a better fit as well.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

For the crush, if you have a crush on anyone than the person you are in a relationship with it means the relationship isn't going as well as it could be. If sexual energy is going outside of the relationship (yes crushes, thinking, fantasizing is leaking sexual energy) both you and your partner should sit down and figure out what the problem is.

Lying kills trust which in turn kills relationships. Not telling him what is going on will kill the trust because its withholding your truth.

or if you think the other person is a better fit for you, you owe it to yourself to be with that person and allow your partner to find someone who is a better fit as well.

I completely disagree. I think if you are human you WILL be attracted to others outside of your relationship every now and then. To deny it or stifle it is silly and immature. If you are a truly feminine woman with strong feminine energy, you WILL be drawn to males that have a strong male energy about them. Same with men. The problem is when you are not mature enough to realize that it is just sexual energy, which does not have to acted out.

I think this is the reason people cheat and then go, "well, one thing led to another". Ummmmmm.....rubbish! If you know you are sexually attracted to somebody, then don't put yourself in a situation where you are alone with that person. Simple really. This is supposed to be the difference between us and other animals. CHOICE.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

I completely disagree. I think if you are human you WILL be attracted to others outside of your relationship every now and then. To deny it or stifle it is silly and immature. If you are a truly feminine woman with strong feminine energy, you WILL be drawn to males that have a strong male energy about them. Same with men. The problem is when you are not mature enough to realize that it is just sexual energy, which does not have to acted out.

I think this is the reason people cheat and then go, "well, one thing led to another". Ummmmmm.....rubbish! If you know you are sexually attracted to somebody, then don't put yourself in a situation where you are alone with that person. Simple really. This is supposed to be the difference between us and other animals. CHOICE.

I agree on the feminine energy part but typically once a feminine woman finds a strong masculine male she feel attraction for them but wont let it go over into the crush zone.

My guess is that he current partner just isn't that strong on a male

[MidasGirl]

Alexjstrandberg, you have a great point there. Without knowing the extent of OP's crush, it's hard to gauge what really is going on. Although I do have a practical solution for her. You can simply fantasize about this person and, ahem, pleasure yourself. You will find that eventually that sexual energy will dissipate. Then you will be like, *what did I even find attractive in them in the first place? Gag*

[fitx3]

Originally Posted by MidasGirl

Alexjstrandberg, you have a great point there. Without knowing the extent of OP's crush, it's hard to gauge what really is going on. Although I do have a practical solution for her. You can simply fantasize about this person and, ahem, pleasure yourself. You will find that eventually that sexual energy will dissipate. Then you will be like, *what did I even find attractive in them in the first place? Gag*

Okay, I'll give you more detail. Like many brand new mothers, I found myself with some extra lbs on my usually thin body so I decided to join a gym. I walked in with feelings of low self esteem about how I allowed myself to get so out of shape. I did not feel attractive at all but you are right, deep down inside me I still had that strong feminine energy. A very handsome and extremely well built trainer must have sensed that about me because one day we "caught" each other's eye. Bad me, I continued the eye contact with him and we somehow started a flirtatious relationship without any words. We have never taken things further than a few conversations about various subjects but it's very obvious that we are totally attracted to each other. He knows I'm married with children and I've seen him with a few different dates. Neither one of us has made a move to take things further with this infatuation. I'm not sure why he hasn't but I won't because for one, I have never cheated on my DH and I would probably lose everything if I did. Two, I truly love my husband but sometimes we can't help but be attracted to other people. This may sound very contradicting to me saying that I truly love my DH but oh well here it is....I have pleasured myself to thoughts of this person and it hasn't released anything but more feelings! Blame it on the oxytocin I don't know. The good thing about this crush is that I got myself in really great shape due to me looking forward to coming into the gym everyday! Okay...I'm ready for the stoning!

[MidasGirl]

No stoning from me. My opinion is that you may need to distance yourself from this person if you two have actually been subtly flirting, yet he is getting your juices flowing. I thought it was merely a case of you having a crush on him and he not knowing it.

I think then you are getting attention (significance) from this person that you may not be getting from your hubs, much as you love him. If that is the case, then figure out how to communicate with your hubs what he can do to help you have this feeling that this man is causing you to have.

[fitx3]

I have been calling my feelings a crush since there haven't been more than 4 or 5 conversations between us since December. It is now the middle of June. I have really tried to hide my attraction to him so I don't know if he really knows how much I like him. I have distanced myself from him by joining another gym yet he still dominates my thoughts. It is getting better everyday though. I found the post "Marriage Goes Against Nature" by Amadeaus quite interesting.

Thanks for your responses!

[Breakaway]

Go with whatever gives you the most immediate gratification.