Disrespectful Grandchildren

[Grammy]

I have only one married daughter, and one 4 year old granddaughter. Our granddaughter is VERY disrespectful of most adults. She thinks nothing of overtly saying and doing hurtful things to both my husband and myself. When she has recitals at school, she tells us she doesn't want us there, if we try to kiss her good bye, she's actually slapped my husband in the face! If I try to reprimand her when she's with me, she'll either stick out her tongue or have some smart aleck remark. I see both my daughter and her husband disrespecting one another, and I imagine that is where this intollerable behaviour is born. However, we, as her grandparents have always shown her respect, and we have mutually respected each other. I am insensed and angry over her disrespectful manner. I have tried talking to my daughter about it, but she just defends the child. The last straw came when she told me she didn't want me attending her dance recital, so I told my daughter I wouldn't be there. Well, that didn't work too well for me, as the entire family
(except my husband) became angry at me. I have tried to tell my daughter that I don't want to be where I am not respected or wanted, but she says I'm just hurting her daughter!? Any suggestions on how to handle this ugly situation?
Unhappy in Pa.

[Dan.Linehan]

That's a really difficult situation Grammy. Sorry you are going through that.

Have you asked why she is being so rude? Have you let her know that she is hurting your feelings when she acts like this?

[Grammy]

Dan,
Yes I have, but @ 4 yrs. of age, I think she's just emulating her parents.
She will apologize for her behaviour, but she just too immature to remember not to be rude the next time. It's so disappointing, and yet, as hard as this is to believe, I love her very much.

[Dan.Linehan]

Kids usually act in ways that they think will get them the most attention.

A simply trick might me to turn away from her if she is being mean, and give her big hugs when she is being sweet. Hopefully that would teach her to be sweeter around you more, if only because she wants love and attention.

Are her parents always around when she is acting like this?

[Ree]

I have a five year old grandson. His mother and my son, his dad, are not together. Her lifestyle is quite different from ours and his behavior reflects a different standard than we are accustomed to.

He visits us regularly, usually spending the weekend or several days. In the beginning when he first arrives to stay with us, his behavior is usually loud and boisterous and he makes rude comments, et cetera.

What we as a family try to do is to model the type of behavior we would like from him. We are polite to each other. We play board games together. We smile and laugh a lot. We sit down together for meals. We correct him in a gentle and friendly way and we give him unconditional love. By the time he has been with us for a while, he has calmed down considerably and his behavior changes dramatically.

I realize your situation is different in that the child is still in the care of her mother while in your presence and her mother tolerates the misbehavior. Correction, gentle or not, might not be appropriate. But it's possible that you and your husband and any other family members whose help you can enlist might be able to model different behavior for your granddaughter.

I've learned to be tolerant of my grandson's mother and her lifestyle, for it's the way she was raised and the way her mother was raised. I think of it as just a different way of "being." But I like to think we're showing him another way of "being" that he may choose for himself someday.

[Grammy]

Thanks Ree and Dan. Her misbehaviour is ALWAYS when her parents are around. When she's with us, she's usually quite managable, not rude or out of control. If she gets unruly, I'll tell her that I don't want to speak to her until she thinks she can be nice. Within a few minutes, she's telling me that "she's adjusted her attitude."

Like Ree, we try to model proper behaviour. I think that I have come to the conclusion that she's a product of her environment, and that I cannot change her or my daughter's way of raising her. I can only choose my response to her bad manners, and hope for the best. Your input was valuable.

[Love]

I second Dan's attention advice. If your daughter and husband are at it, your grand may feel lost in the shuffle. Many times kids just want to be noticed but don't know how to say it.

I also like the book, "How to talk so kids can learn." There is a version called
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (Paperback) which has the same sort of concepts. It's about diffusing problems by getting to the root of the problem and helping kids to participate in creating their own solutions.

[Guardian Angel]

Hi Grammy,

I think your granddaughter only follows what her parents do. We know that children always thinks what she sees from her parents are correct. So I guess you must fix her parents first. It is not an easy thing to do though but you must not give up. She is not yet hopeless, believe me.

Thanks.

[Bruce Achterberg]

Originally Posted by Grammy

Any suggestions on how to handle this ugly situation?

Children usually resist the socially polite act of being nice to people they don't like, or people who cause them to feel weakened (i.e. frustrated, bored, unfulfilled, or drained). It goes against their nature, and it takes years for them to succumb to social conditioning or learn, through their own experience, a more harmonious way of interaction. On one hand, I think very highly of being courteous and honourable, and on the other, I shake my head at how inauthentic and phoney some adults are in interaction.

But that's neither here nor there.

My advice is to not see it as a "situation" to "handle", since you're instantly fragmenting the moment, relevant to your subjectively biased views. I'm not saying your views are good or bad, but I'm saying it's pretty tricky making improvements where everyone benefits when you look at something through the lens of "this is bad and needs to be fixed." Often your thinking about the situation is incomplete or inaccurate, so any conclusions you draw when you focus on the negative will rarely be constructive.

The solution?

Watch this video:

The Strengths Movement

And perhaps consider reading this book:

Amazon.com: Your Child's Strengths: Discover Them, Develop Them, Use Them: Jenifer Fox M.Ed.: Books

I also suggest watching the TV show, "The Dog Whisperer." (Just work with me on this one.) You'll see a universally applicable example of how to acknowledge the natural, inherently positive aspects in an animal (humans are animals, too) while not being subject to undesirable dysfunction. This show is an example of how effective understanding the core mechanics of something can be.

I'm not saying the daughter needs to be educated differently; I'm suggesting that you draw on the approaches used in positive psychology, of which the video and book I linked to are grounded in.

Focus on what's right, and capitalise on it. What you see "wrong" with your granddaughter may be a representation of something much, much deeper, and trying to "fix" the bad behaviour might only perpetuate the underlying cause, regardless if the cause is "right" or "wrong", and foster the dysfunction. Certainly don't ignore the dysfunction, but don't draw into it; all that does is foster more dysfunction.

[ogrekilleat]

Have you read anything by Judith Martin (aka Miss Manners)? She often talks about how to let children know that there are different standards of behavior--e.g. when the grandparents have higher standards of etiquette-- and how to enforce etiquette rules, for example, by having a child over for a really nice dinner as a treat after she's shown she can behave herself properly for such an environment. I'd look at "Miss Manner's guide to raising perfect children" particularly, but she addresses this issue in most of her books to at least some extent. And she talks about why its so important to do so, since if she doesn't learn to be polite, an untaught child will probably have trouble getting along when she's old enough for her rudeness not to be "cute"!

[Lauxa]

Hi Grammy, I am just wondering if your granddaughter has given you any reasons she does not want you to attend her recitals? My opinion is that kissing is an intimate gesture and one that I believe that everyone should have the right to refuse. I remember having an aunt that would always come and tickle me when I was a young child... so that eventually when she came over I would run and hide in my room.

You call her behavior "intolerable", and it must really irritate you. However, losing your temper or even getting irritated is the worst thing you can possibly do. You need to stay calm and focused in the moment, surrendering fully and accepting everything that the moment brings, in order to bring out your best and most loving response to these challenges. If her parents do not do this and she is learning a way of being from them, then she NEEDS you to be her example that another way is possible.

[Holistic Star]

I understand your frustation - I don't like rude children either, but remember, she is only 4 years old and you are a grown up so you have the ability to rise above it.

One way of looking at it is that children sometimes only feel free to show dislike when they feel secure, it's their way of testing boundaries as they grow to see what happens if they push you away.


I would recommend perfecting 'The Look' if she is rude again. You know - that hard stare in silence and make sure you don't look away first otherwise you have lost! Once they look away you can carry on as before, the child has been repremanded but no words have been spoken. (They taught us this in teacher training college - it works a treat!)

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Grammy

Thanks Ree and Dan. Her misbehaviour is ALWAYS when her parents are around. When she's with us, she's usually quite managable, not rude or out of control. If she gets unruly, I'll tell her that I don't want to speak to her until she thinks she can be nice. Within a few minutes, she's telling me that "she's adjusted her attitude."

Like Ree, we try to model proper behaviour. I think that I have come to the conclusion that she's a product of her environment, and that I cannot change her or my daughter's way of raising her. I can only choose my response to her bad manners, and hope for the best. Your input was valuable.

I wouldn't be so quick to blame the parents. Kids act out at that age. I would try reverse psychology. Ignore her when she's there. When she leaves don't ask for a kiss. Don't even say goodbye. Say goodbye to the parents and walk away. It really sounds like she's doing it for attention. The more she acts up, the more you should act like you don't want to see her. It's the classic, "Oh, you don't want to leave the playground? Okay, then we'll see you at home. Bye." Then they cry and run after you. You really have to play it cool, though. No emotion. Kids are smart. Show no interest in her and I bet she'll start trying to prove herself to you.

[carenkh]

I would honor your granddaughter's wishes, without asking for an explanation. No kiss? OK - wave goodbye. No recital? OK - maybe next time. You can communicate how you feel about that: "I'll miss seeing you on your special night!" (and if you can do that without sounding like a martyr, you get extra points!), but really honoring what she wants - not as punishment ("Fine! I won't go, then!") but as connection and listening.

And I'm curious what the reprimanding is about. I've had a huge shift in awareness in regards to parenting and guiding... and I'll no longer reprimand any child. If you're interested, there's lots of support and information at Consensual Living.

I second the suggestion of "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen".

[Liminal Chris]

Originally Posted by carenkh

I would honor your granddaughter's wishes, without asking for an explanation. No kiss? OK - wave goodbye. No recital? OK - maybe next time. You can communicate how you feel about that: "I'll miss seeing you on your special night!" (and if you can do that without sounding like a martyr, you get extra points!), but really honoring what she wants - not as punishment ("Fine! I won't go, then!") but as connection and listening.

By the same token you don't want to be absent. I know in my own experience, my grandparents were emotionally absent. If (a big if too) they came to one of my sporting events or something, it was out of formality and not because they genuinely took an interest in what i was doing. They didn't put the time and effort into our relationship which subsequently suffered tremendously from it. She is young and probably completely egocentric, I am sure she doesn't realize that she needs you (but she will).

Grandparents, especially, don't need to be parents. They have a lot more liberty to really enjoy their grandchildren. I really hate this term, but go down to their level. Find out what they enjoy, really take an interest in their life. If you genuinely approach them in a manner of wanting to have fun with them, I think they will recognize that. I am not saying spoil them, but don't be afraid to really be interested. Be their friend, kids love friends.

If she doesn't want you at the recietals, don't go. If you want to spend time with her, find out where she does want you and be there. She's probably too young not to be completely egocentric.

[ivorytickler]

Let your grand daughter know she is hurting your feeliings.

I would, flat out, tell her that grandpa and I don't talk to people like that and don't expect others to talk to us that way. Do not tolerate the behavior.

Try planning some activities with your grand daughter that involve helping others. Sounds like she doesn't empathize well (I have a dd who doesn't either and wish I'd recognized this sooner).