Sexual Confusion: Its Complicated

[a1s2d3r4]

I need guidance with this. A brief synopsis of myself. I am a 25 year old male. When I was younger my parents divorced at a very young age so I was primarily raised by my mother and grandmother. I had an uncle around here and there and a grandfather. My mother later remarried when I was a teenager and we have a good relationship but I wonder if me not having a father when I was younger has made me somewhat dysfunctional when it comes to me forming female relationships.

What I mean about being dysfunctional is that I have been late in dating women due to my own maturity and my mother almost trying to tell me who to date. I am a black male and tend to have always been more attracted to women outside of my race but it seems it is something my other doesn't understand so I hid my so called love life from her.

I have previously experimented with men (and at this time I have not had much intimate contact w/ women) which brought some sexual confusion. I am not physically attracted to men. I can tell if a man is deemed 'attractive' and sure I have admired a man if what you'd call it a man crush. The idea of kissing a man is not my kind of thing. I even bodybuild a bit and can admire a nice physique but I am not physically attracted to a man in that sense.

I have fantasized about being a woman for a guy and be sexual with them. I do not know where this sexual fantasy has came from but that is the source of some confusion in my sexuality. I am a masculine guy. I am not much football and basketball like 'most men' or anything like that. I consider myself laid back and I do not have any fake machismo BUT why do I fantasize about something like this? I love women and physically attracted to them but I have had *ahem* bad luck in that arena in the past. I have suffered depression in the past so maybe I might have looked to other men for something.

I know psychologically you can argue that people are not 'born straight/gay' but rather external stimuli affect that. I think some in my life may have damaged that to cause some feelings.

Maybe the fact that I did not have a real father figure for some time? No idea. Please I ask for guidance and understanding for me. My fear is that these feelings might linger and later affect me in life ,perhaps damage a marriage for example, which I do not. But then again maybe I just need a woman in my life to help me out.

[JimOfferman]

I'm not quite sure what you're getting at precisely, but my feel is that you're on a "I never had a girlfriend and am not disgusted by men, so I must be gay" train of thought.

That my friend, is jumping to conclusions. Don't do that.

Being straight doesn't mean that you can't ever have any feelings whatsoever for someone of the same sex. Having such feelings doesn't make you gay. Not having such feelings doesn't make you straight. Your choice in romantic 'careers' is what makes you one or the other... (I believe we may be predisposed to favor one or the other or both, but in the end we're all free to choose)

Will lingering feelings ruin your future life? Only if you let them! You decide what happens in your life. You decide which feelings you act on.

You are in control... just take the helm.

[The Cloud]

Perhaps you could look at sex from the perspective of a woman that you're having relations with, since that seems to be the thing that turns you on. Imagine that you are her being with you.

[PianoManGidley]

I think you should try to take time to understand the differences between an emotional attraction or affiliation and a physical one.

[groundhog]

I agree with Piano. It seems like you were easily able to express that you have previously experimented with men, despite not feeling physically attracted. I suggest you allow yourself to relax as much as possible when it comes to dating women. Just go with the flow! You sound like a sensible, nice guy, and you've mentioned that you are fit, there's no doubt that there's a woman who will enjoy your company and connect with you. Since you have less experience with women, you might want to look at your dates within the coming months as "experimental", and later on you can survey how different situations make you feel more or less comfortable.

As for your fantasy, let me preface by saying that I haven't had too much sexual identity confusion in my life (I'm a straight male) but I have indeed imagined what it might be like to be the woman receiving during intercourse rather than giving. I've even discussed it with my girlfriend. Let your fantasies by fun and insightful, not worries!

[a1s2d3r4]

Originally Posted by PianoManGidley

I think you should try to take time to understand the differences between an emotional attraction or affiliation and a physical one.

What do you mean? I am physically and emotionally attracted to women. Nothing against people who engage in male-male homosexual relationships but I could not imagine myself being with another man as a matter of personal preference (not from societal pressure for example).

[a1s2d3r4]

Originally Posted by groundhog

I agree with Piano. It seems like you were easily able to express that you have previously experimented with men, despite not feeling physically attracted. I suggest you allow yourself to relax as much as possible when it comes to dating women. Just go with the flow! You sound like a sensible, nice guy, and you've mentioned that you are fit, there's no doubt that there's a woman who will enjoy your company and connect with you. Since you have less experience with women, you might want to look at your dates within the coming months as "experimental", and later on you can survey how different situations make you feel more or less comfortable.

As for your fantasy, let me preface by saying that I haven't had too much sexual identity confusion in my life (I'm a straight male) but I have indeed imagined what it might be like to be the woman receiving during intercourse rather than giving. I've even discussed it with my girlfriend. Let your fantasies by fun and insightful, not worries!

I appreciate the kind words. Seriously I have tried in the past and it has ended in failure for me a few times. I have had insecurities that held me back that I thought I got over as well. I think the fact that I have been single for a while combined with a bit of bad luck makes me think something is wrong with me.

Thanks, I just feel the fantasy is causing a bit of confusion even though I know what I am attracted to.

[Transcendent]

Stop listening and caring about what your mom thinks you should do.

Embrace your masculinity and start being a MAN around women. It doesn't mean you have to be a jerk or a caveman, but be a real man instead of listening to what older women think you should do.

[Lazarus]

two things you said aren't crimes :

1. being attracted to people outside your race
2. male or female

to me, it sounds like is it normal to put yourself in a woman's position being done things by you or another man. i know it's not a crime but it sounds like steering to no-preference =/ i'm not sure though.

i agree to what they said though, do a survey, mark down what makes you feel unconfortable, then go with the flow.

i kinda had a father that was working steady and not really talking to anyone of us (me and my siblings) and my mom and grandfather mostly talked to us and spended time with us, so, i can kinda relate

[a1s2d3r4]

Originally Posted by Lazarus

two things you said aren't crimes :

1. being attracted to people outside your race
2. male or female

to me, it sounds like is it normal to put yourself in a woman's position being done things by you or another man. i know it's not a crime but it sounds like steering to no-preference =/ i'm not sure though.

i agree to what they said though, do a survey, mark down what makes you feel unconfortable, then go with the flow.

i kinda had a father that was working steady and not really talking to anyone of us (me and my siblings) and my mom and grandfather mostly talked to us and spended time with us, so, i can kinda relate

I have a preference and it isn't with men. I mean I am not disgusted by men or anything, but that is not what naturally attracts me if I walk down the street if that makes sense.

Also this fantasy happens once in a blue moon but as I mentioned it causes confusion for me.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by a1s2d3r4

Also this fantasy happens once in a blue moon but as I mentioned it causes confusion for me.

I am sure lots of people have fantasies that conflict with their regular way of doing things. I don't think it necessarily has to mean anything about your sexuality.

There are women (and maybe men, I haven't really heard of it) that have rape fantasies. It certainly doesn't mean they actually want to be raped.

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by a1s2d3r4

Also this fantasy happens once in a blue moon but as I mentioned it causes confusion for me.

I wouldn't be too worried if I were you. I'm as hetero as can be, yet my sex fantasies tend cover about anything from boys to girls to aliens. Depending on my emotional state of being, my fantasies change constantly. When I was younger I tended to feel slightly guilty about having a wild mind like that, but I never doubted my basic sexual orientation. And when you grow older you realize that you having a wild mind gives others the freedom to have one also without feeling ashamed about it.

I think the main issue here is not your fantasy but that you had bad luck with girls so far and thus feel insecure about yourself. Don't put yourself under pressure that way, and you'll be just fine.

[Dave Kaminski]

You're not the only person who has thoughts that society deems "deranged" or "abnormal"; don't let other people make you feel guilty for the things you think or feel if they're not doing anyone any harm.

And believe me, the thoughts alone are most likely not doing anyone any harm.

Try manifesting courage success and comfort with females.

Or you could even try lucid dream rehearsal

[ogrekilleat]

I'm gay but I've had hetero fantasies. It makes me very uncomfortable, and at first I questioned whether I was really gay or not. Now I'm comfortable with the fact that I am definitely gay, and I wish I could get to the point where I could just enjoy and accept whatever fantasies occur, but I'm definitely still at the stage where when I start to fantasize about anything hetero, I just try to turn it off. It doesn't even matter that I (a female) always put myself in the place of the male in these fantasies, so that I'm just enjoying a luscious female body, they still make me feel kinda icky.

[Alexjstrandberg]

if you imagine a guy bent over showing you his mangina, do you feel it in between your legs?

If so, that means you are gay.

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by a1s2d3r4

My fear is that these feelings might linger and later affect me in life ,perhaps damage a marriage for example, which I do not. But then again maybe I just need a woman in my life to help me out.

I think fantasies are just that. When you decide to act them out, then that's a whole different game. However I think that this is a valid concern. Solution? just be sure to discuss it with your partner when things seem to be getting serious. The damage you can cause a relationship is by keeping the fact that you don't find men disgusting a secret. But really, this is like saying, I'm worried I might cheat on my partner down the road. The key is to decide to honor your relationship, whether it's with a man or woman. And if you feel conflicted down the road, do her a favor and get out, don't go on the Down-Low. It's no different than being attracted to another woman and cheating with her, methinks.


BTW, my take on the whole gay thing is that there's a sort of a sliding scale. And I feel this is what causes some people to spout that "gayness can be cured". There are people who are a little gay (very little) all the way to those who have NOT an ounce of sexual attraction to the opposite sex.

[Alexjstrandberg]

also, I think you are using the father thing as a way to avoid dealing with your true sexuality. You are looking for reasons to not be gay and the father thing is just another one of them.

[a1s2d3r4]

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

if you imagine a guy bent over showing you his mangina, do you feel it in between your legs?

If so, that means you are gay.

I went into this. The idea of a man kissing another man is disgusting to me. Also no I do not imagine a guy bending over and getting turned on by the idea lol

MidasGirl I see your point though. The idea of sexuality being more psychological and not polarized one way or another is true.

[blazer1]

Originally Posted by a1s2d3r4

I need guidance with this. A brief synopsis of myself. I am a 25 year old male. When I was younger my parents divorced at a very young age so I was primarily raised by my mother and grandmother. I had an uncle around here and there and a grandfather. My mother later remarried when I was a teenager and we have a good relationship but I wonder if me not having a father when I was younger has made me somewhat dysfunctional when it comes to me forming female relationships.

What I mean about being dysfunctional is that I have been late in dating women due to my own maturity and my mother almost trying to tell me who to date. I am a black male and tend to have always been more attracted to women outside of my race but it seems it is something my other doesn't understand so I hid my so called love life from her.

I have previously experimented with men (and at this time I have not had much intimate contact w/ women) which brought some sexual confusion. I am not physically attracted to men. I can tell if a man is deemed 'attractive' and sure I have admired a man if what you'd call it a man crush. The idea of kissing a man is not my kind of thing. I even bodybuild a bit and can admire a nice physique but I am not physically attracted to a man in that sense.

I have fantasized about being a woman for a guy and be sexual with them. I do not know where this sexual fantasy has came from but that is the source of some confusion in my sexuality. I am a masculine guy. I am not much football and basketball like 'most men' or anything like that. I consider myself laid back and I do not have any fake machismo BUT why do I fantasize about something like this? I love women and physically attracted to them but I have had *ahem* bad luck in that arena in the past. I have suffered depression in the past so maybe I might have looked to other men for something.

I know psychologically you can argue that people are not 'born straight/gay' but rather external stimuli affect that. I think some in my life may have damaged that to cause some feelings.

Maybe the fact that I did not have a real father figure for some time? No idea. Please I ask for guidance and understanding for me. My fear is that these feelings might linger and later affect me in life ,perhaps damage a marriage for example, which I do not. But then again maybe I just need a woman in my life to help me out.

If you like being around women, and you like the way they act, and you can get an erection if a girl is being sexual with you ... then you are STRAIGHT.

However, being straight or gay is simply a matter of life experiences or in some cases predesposition.

Likely life experience because predesposition towards gayness is counter productive.

So dude, like i said, if you like being around women, and they can arouse you .. then you are straight.

if you feel like you are feminine, then **** it ... ... why categorise characteristics for?

in the end, if you get an erection by some girl being sexual ... and you dont mind ... then roll with it. have kids, have a blissful life.

if you decide you are gay because of your confusion, then just remember, you will not have kids, you will live an outcasted lifestyle and you will only ever have a 'guy' to relate to. that is just so ****ed.

if at all you find woman sexually attractive, then pursue it ... trust me you will be happy.


i am guessing you only ever socialised with guys and you did not have many girls in your life. dont ever give into the easy way out.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Originally Posted by a1s2d3r4

I went into this. The idea of a man kissing another man is disgusting to me. Also no I do not imagine a guy bending over and getting turned on by the idea lol

MidasGirl I see your point though. The idea of sexuality being more psychological and not polarized one way or another is true.

good, then you are like most men who just are confused. No need to worry

[The David]

Originally Posted by blazer1

If you like being around women, and you like the way they act, and you can get an erection if a girl is being sexual with you ... then you are STRAIGHT.

However, being straight or gay is simply a matter of life experiences or in some cases predesposition.

Likely life experience because predesposition towards gayness is counter productive.

So dude, like i said, if you like being around women, and they can arouse you .. then you are straight.

if you feel like you are feminine, then **** it ... ... why categorise characteristics for?

in the end, if you get an erection by some girl being sexual ... and you dont mind ... then roll with it. have kids, have a blissful life.

if you decide you are gay because of your confusion, then just remember, you will not have kids, you will live an outcasted lifestyle and you will only ever have a 'guy' to relate to. that is just so ****ed.

if at all you find woman sexually attractive, then pursue it ... trust me you will be happy.


i am guessing you only ever socialised with guys and you did not have many girls in your life. dont ever give into the easy way out.

We need a citation for the following claims:

1. Erection due to a girl constitutes an exclusively heterosexual orientation.

2. Bliss requires a wife and kids, and having a wife and kids guarantees bliss.

3. Predisposition can never be counterproductive.

4. A gay lifestyle involves being outcasted, having only a 'guy' to relate to (emphasis yours), and being generally '****ed', as you so eloquently put it.

5. The original poster has only socialized with guys and is taking the 'easy way out' (which you previously claimed was harder. . .hmm.)

6. That we should trust you. Good luck on this one, as your credibility is pretty much shot as of now.