Old friends

[Ceros]

This is a bit of a problem for me that was bugging me for some time, so maybe someone can give me some advice.

It all began many years ago when I was still a child. I had two good friends whom I knew for years, and at some point when I was around eleven or twelve I decided to bring them together. Shortly after that, another friend came a long and the four of us became best friends ever since. And because I was quite introverted back then, in the long run I ended up being the only one who didn't have any friends outside of our little "group".

So we hung out together for years, and it was great. I knew that two of them were developing a bit of an alcohol problem (at age 15), but I just knda thought that I'd let them to their own devices and it'll go away on its own.

However a short while later (when I was 16) I became serious about my education, and moved out to a different country to study. That was when a *huge* strain appeared in our friendship. They weren't really into e-mail or writing letters so the only time we talked in the next two years was when I visited my family for a few weeks during Winter and Summer breaks. And during that time a new guy joined the group (I haven't talked to him in years at that point, but I knew him longer than any of them and he was basically the first friend I ever made in school). While I was glad that he was one of "us", a part of me felt that he was there only as a substitute for me.

Of course I wouldn't let something so shallow stand in the path of our friendship, but a bit later I found out that most of them started doing drugs. And while they were light at that moment, knowing them I knew that it was bound to become worse as time went by. And I kinda blame myself for the whole thing, since I consciously choose to do nothing when I found out they were drinking a few years ago.

And the only guy from the group who didn't do drugs (who was also my "best" friend all these years) started showing some serious jealousy vibes towards me, like looking down and belittling me behind my back (Something I haven't really understood since I always thought that he was awesome, and if anything it's that *I* should be jealous of *him*).

In the end, the last time I talked to them (August last year) I felt like I couldn't relate to them at all. We had nothing to talk about while I was there, and the whole "friendship" seemed a bit hollow at that point.

And even though all of them really were trying to relate to me, I felt that it wasn't working out any more.

The last weekend we hung out, all of them commented on how much I "changed" and that made me really sad since the person I became was someone I felt I was always on the inside. And since they, my closest friends, never saw that it made me think that there really wasn't any bond left between us.

So the next time I left the country I broke all contact with them and never returned.

Anyway, this brings me to now. As I noted above I'm a bit maladjusted to meeting new people, and I haven't made a single friend in the past year. So the fact that I can't make new friends coupled with the fact that I lost all of my old ones left me in quite a miserable situation. (I'm at a point where I need other people to continue growing as a person)

Right now, I don't know whether I should completely move on and forget about them (discarding more than ten years of friendship), or if I should make some effort and try to salvage whatever is possible to salvage. Any comments?

[Michael Chui]

First, never doubt that you are capable of making friends. You are. Some people have a lot of friends, other people don't. There's nothing wrong with only having a few, or having none at all; friendships come in their own time.

Second, you're taking more responsibility than you deserve. You didn't encourage your friends into a drinking habit; you didn't encourage them to take drugs. They're responsible for their own choices, and feeling bad about them won't change anything.

Third,

Take a look at this thread: Friends drifting apart

Choosing whether to "salvage" your old friendships or to seek out new ones is a decision no one can make for you. Ultimately, there has to be something you want.

If you go back to your old friends, what will you want? Are you going to try to pull them out of their drug habits? Are you prepared to do that? Or are you willing to relate to them despite that? Can you do that?

If you seek out new friends, then there are a lot of ways to do that. But as I mentioned above, it's ultimately up to you. Surely your day-to-day activities are not spent completely isolated. Talk to the people around you. Listen to them. Tease out their quirks and find out their hobbies. It's remarkable how fascinating people are when they start opening up to you.

And consider: there's a huge number of people on this forum. Try asking on Local Groups to see if anyone lives nearby. When looking for new friends, the most important thing is to have an open mind and to expect to be surprised. You might be surprised at yourself, too.

[ilovetoday]

i had a best friend and we had a group of 6 in high school. After high school i moved away to study at university. My best friend never wrote or called me when i left, i sent letters to four of the girls and three of the group called reguarly while the other wrote constantly but my best mate through primary school to my dismay never wrote or called she occasionally replied to emails i sent her.I was pretty devastated expecting her out of everyone to miss me.

anyway, it turns out that i was a money hungry person stepping on everyone to get where i was-that is what her mother said to me before i came home for a holiday one week. I was horrified and beleived her, till i told my parents and they said the mum had gone all wierd and jelouse as though she was comparing us two girls. in ways i did out do my best friend but who was counting? in ways she outdid me she has a beautiful personality and a career she loves.

I figured this competitive friends is a massive problem where it can change people from jelousy completely.

I think in your case it is jelousy also. Personally i have patched up our friendship but it will never be the same as it was. Whether you think its worth it or not is up to you. Some ideas to help you would be to remind him of the fun times and laugh tell him what you admired in him.


In any case make new friends too. Join a local group or club in something you enjoy or you enjoyed when you were a kid. Chances are you will meet people who are positive and outgoing with similar interests. You dont have to force yourself onto people but going to a regular weekly class gets you to familiarise yourself with others in the class and you just end up comfortably talking and making friends in time. Choosing a class or group you dont know much about would be great cause you will have a perfect opportunity to talk to people by askingpolitley for help and introducing yourself

good luck