need to stop looking at other girls

[sonicpunk32]

I have always asked the universe for a girlfriend for the past 5 years. This year I finally get one. We're currently long distance though. I used to think that when I'd get a girlfriend, I'd no longer need to look at other girls. I find myself occasionally fancying many girls that walk by, cause they're so pretty. If I keep doing this, my girlfriend isnt going to be happy. Now, I havent had much physical contact with her, if any. We're just currently long distance. But when we no longer are long distance, I just wonder If my need to check out other girls will stop. I hope it does.

[JSB]

There's nothing wrong with appreciating beauty. You can look at women whether or not you have a girlfriend; it's normal.

You might want to refrain from looking at other women while she is with you; it can be rude and inconsiderate to ignore her and gawk at other women!

[sonicpunk32]

Yeah, I can imagine what it's like for her If I was to look at other girls in front of her. I get jealous all the time with her guy friends.

[silicon toad2000]

I wouldn't worry about it. It's like we were all told when we were toddlers, look with your eyes. We all admire the fine forms of the opposite sex, or same sex whatever the case may be.
Just keep reminding yourself that the grass is not greener and that no matter how good looking someone is, someone somewhere is already tired of putting up with their ♥♥♥♥♥.

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by silicon toad2000

no matter how good looking someone is, someone somewhere is already tired of putting up with their ♥♥♥♥♥.

lol

Well, is it possible that there are good looking someone's who dont have ♥♥♥♥♥? I've asked myself many times If I had a loving girlfriend who gives me so much good things, I've wondered, shouldn't that be enough to offset seeing other pretty girls walking about. I think subconsciously, I want to be with these strangers, cause I feel I'm missing something. Cause I just look too much at times. Well, I should work on my relationship with my girlfriend and get this fixed and see if I still long to be with these strangers after a few months.

[Frankthetank]

Guess what this urge will never dissappear. It's man's programming, but it's not that bad you should embrace it and choose integrity and be loyal to your girlfriend as long as you are together. It looks like you are deprived of sex and you have some regrets about your decision. I don't know your situation, but long-term relationships are a difficult thing. Many people make the mistake of staying in too long and miss many opportunities, life is short and love needs time and intimacy to flourish.

[sonicpunk32]

Oh, I've been deprived of sex my entire life. Ignoring a couple unfavorable encounters, I'm practically a virgin. I've saved up alot of money in the past year, and I'll be moving closer to her location in a couple months. So I wouldnt say this will be long distance anymore.

[Frankthetank]

Oh alright, then there's no problem. Probably you should step up your game

[Fullcrum]

Damn.

The needines just drips off the OPs poster.

If you're needy for the girl's attention and validation, it won't feel as "intoxicating" to be around her than if you're just enjoying your time spent together. Take the relationship one day at a time, not worrying about whether you're looking at other girls.

When I'm with a girl, I look at other girls. It's just kinda assumed and totally cool. Just be fine with it. If you want to look, look. It's funny .

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

If you're needy for the girl's attention and validation

Just curious. What brought you to that assumption of me?

[Fullcrum]

Well you assume your girl isn't going to be happy if you look at other girls. If you think about it, no harm can come. Do it anyway and if she has a problem...well that's your decision.

You say you get jealous with her guy friends. Damn, if that's not neediness, I don't know what is. You're better than jealousy. No person should subject themselves to such emotions.

Why do you hope to supress a natural desire that can do no harm? It's not like killing someone. I therefore assumed that since you are supressing healthy natural desires, you have replaced it with a need for her validation. Like if she rejected you, I can imagine you'd be crushed. How WOULD you feel if she one day said "You know what? No more." I think you'd be crushed with your current mindset. That's no way to live .

Develop internal validation. You don't need other people to complete you or make you happy. They can only increase the sense of happiness already inside of you.

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

Well you assume your girl isn't going to be happy if you look at other girls. If you think about it, no harm can come. Do it anyway and if she has a problem...well that's your decision.

It would hurt her feelings, and she's said that to me a few times.

Well, I suppose looking at other girls is ok, long as I dont actually flirt with girls in front of her face or anything. Which would be like cheating, almost, wouldn't it?

[Fullcrum]

Hmm, well I dunno. When I'm with girls I flirt with them all the time, even "with" someone. It's just a funny thing and we're not going any further. Think of it like "striking up fun conversations with people."

It'd be cheating if you kissed them or something, but even then it depends on the dynamic between you and the girl.

[mlc82]

As my Dad said to me before, "Looking's OK, it's touching that will get you into trouble". Go ahead and look, you're human aren't you?

I don't recommend blatantly staring right in front of your girlfriend, but we all get caught sometimes (including the girlfriends)

If my girl wants to check out a good looking guy, I really don't care (I'd be worried if she didn't actually)- after all, I'm the one who'll get all of the benefit (and vice versa)

[sonicpunk32]

That's impressive. Can I ask why you'd be worried if she didn't?

[JSB]

As I wrote earlier, I think it can be a bit rude to stare at other women when you are out with your girlfriend (assuming it bothers her).

I also think it's important not to feel like you are afraid of "getting caught".

Not looking because it is good manners not to look makes sense to me; not looking because of fear of judgement/disapproval is probably not a healthy mindset.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Biologically designed for variety. You can repress it OR you can consciously do it and be honest with yourself and drop the guilt.

Since you have a long distance GF your need for intamicy, affection, sexual attraction will be high. No need to feel guilty about it, just the way circumstances are.

Like JSB said, it's simply appreciating beauty. If you get high enough in consciousness ALL women of any shape and form will be attractive to you. It will feel like sexual attraction but it's different, more of an appreciation.

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

If you get high enough in consciousness ALL women of any shape and form will be attractive to you.

I hope that day never comes when my mother, or some old lady becomes sexually attractive to me.

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by JSB

Not looking because it is good manners not to look makes sense to me; not looking because out of fear of judgement/disapproval is probably not a healthy mindset.

I've decided that I'll take the not looking (while in her presense) out of respect for her. But now, here's a different issue that I wonder about. When in public, and you notice some nice looking females walking around and you look or stare, which of these comes into play, or should come into play? I mean, though they are beautiful, most females dont like being looked at. This could be a limiting belief I have, but I find myself not looking for fear of being judged as a pervert by people nearby and the females I stare at.

[Fullcrum]

You're just being insecure.

Just look and smile. Especially socially, your intention really comes through. If you're scared, that's how she'll feel. And if you're just feeling good and looking, it'll be perceived as such.

Honestly these are non-issues. Just don't be insecure. Feel good.

[Savage]

When Erin and I are out, she'll point out the hot people to me, and I do the same with her. She might say, "Damn! Check her out." Reacting negatively to this sort of thing is just a self-esteem issue.

You might want to intend a girlfried with higher self-esteem who doesn't have jealousy issues... or just keep looking at other women until she's ready to deal with them.

You don't have to poke your eyes out to maintain a relationship, unless you want to date one of the Three Stooges.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

or just keep looking at other women until she's ready to deal with them.

I think that's a fair solution. I have a lot of insecurity, so when I do happen to notice my bf looking at someone else, it does sting. But that is really my problem. I don't tend to look much at other guys so I felt that other people were like me -- when in a relationship don't feel the need to look around. But that's not true of everyone. Noticing that another woman looks good doesn't mean my bf thinks I look ugly even though that's what I've made it mean in the past. That's the kind of insecurity I am working on.

He doesn't do it noticeably in front of me out of respect, but I've let him know that while I am insecure, he doesn't need to stop noticing other good looking women. When a person is secure within themselves they wouldn't make it mean something bad about themself when their partner notices the beauty in someone else.

[JSB]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

I mean, though they are beautiful, most females dont like being looked at.

I understand what you mean, but you don't need to undress them with your eyes and get all hot and bothered. You can look, appreciate, smile --- it doesn't need to be invasive.

Going off on a slight tangent: Many women dress very provocatively these days: miniskirts, thongs low, tight low-cut tops with exposed navels, etc. (As Bill Maher put it: "How's a streetwalker supposed to advertise her availability to prospective customers these days?")

Women who dress like this obviously want attention (I would say there may even be a pathological craving involved, but that's a whole different thread.)

Some young, scantily clad women will talk about how they don't like "creepy guys" staring at them (and who does?) but they don't seem to understand that their manner of dress will attract attention both from the "hot guys" they're trying to entice, and from everyone else as well, including old Uncle Fester at the bus stop. (I never thought I'd say this, but some of these girls should really consider covering up a little more!)

OK, I'm rambling, but I guess I'm saying that you can look and appreciate without pawing or drooling over the "pretty young things", or being "creepy".

Just remember, they're probably "appreciating" you too!

[ilovetoday]

There is nothing wrong with looking at all. I love looking at people, girls and buys-not bi i just enjoy appreciating peoples beauty. I would not flirt with people though thats when you might get yourself into trouble if it gets too far and just dont oggle at girls when your girl is there because speaking from experience its not very nice to have done. Other wise look all you want and enjoy-most people do it is nothing to be ashamed of.

[mlc82]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

That's impressive. Can I ask why you'd be worried if she didn't?

Being in a relationship shouldn't mean that someone's attraction to other good looking men/women just magically shuts off and goes away- I'd either be worried she had some sort of health problem (some over my head hormone-related thing), or be really terrified if someone were so obsessively into me that they didn't even check out other people they were attracted to anymore. That's not what I call "respectful", that's what I call "scary".

I work at a gym, and get to see hot women all day, and I love it- doesn't mean I'm going to cheat on my girlfriend with any of them though, and I trust that in a reverse role she'd also enjoy the eye candy but not cheat on me. If she did, then she simply wouldn't be my girlfriend anymore- it would be upsetting, but the world wouldn't end.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by mlc82

I work at a gym, and get to see hot women all day, and I love it- doesn't mean I'm going to cheat on my girlfriend with any of them though, and I trust that in a reverse role she'd also enjoy the eye candy but not cheat on me. If she did, then she simply wouldn't be my girlfriend anymore- it would be upsetting, but the world wouldn't end.

That's a really healthy attitude to have. Does it come naturally to you or have you had to cultivate it? I mean, were you once jealous or fearful of the implications of your girlfriend looking around or admiring other guys, or have you always felt the same as you do now?

[mlc82]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

That's a really healthy attitude to have. Does it come naturally to you or have you had to cultivate it? I mean, were you once jealous or fearful of the implications of your girlfriend looking around or admiring other guys, or have you always felt the same as you do now?

The not caring if they check out other guys part has always come kind of naturally- I'm sure as hell not going to stop checking out other women, and yet I also know I wouldn't actually cheat with any of them, it's just fun to look. I guess I've always just assumed whoever I dated felt the same way.

The time I can think of when I really did feel raging jealousy was when I thought a previous girlfriend of mine WAS cheating on me, needless to say we broke up very soon after that.

Well, I have to admit, with the above, I actually thought I was going to walk in on that girl with some other guy once- I'm the type, who, if I found out after the fact that someone cheated on me, would just drop them and ignore them, as I'm not a crazy possessive type at all (more like a crazy "Leave me alone more often!" type). It's a long story, but that night, when I really thought I was about to walk in on them together, I'm fairly certain I would have just about killed the guy. I was younger and angrier (20 maybe) then.

[Lazarus]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

Hmm, well I dunno. When I'm with girls I flirt with them all the time, even "with" someone. It's just a funny thing and we're not going any further. Think of it like "striking up fun conversations with people."

It'd be cheating if you kissed them or something, but even then it depends on the dynamic between you and the girl.

it all depends on the girl your with, she can view flirting as cheating lol trust me, i did that so many times, that's how we lost ourselves =/ probably cause "i deserved it" even after i found out that she cheated on me a few days before it ended and i was new to the whole relationship thing so, i didn't know what the hell flirting was in the first place =/ lol so, it's one of those, if i'd known moments lol

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by mlc82

The not caring if they check out other guys part has always come kind of naturally- I'm sure as hell not going to stop checking out other women, and yet I also know I wouldn't actually cheat with any of them, it's just fun to look. I guess I've always just assumed whoever I dated felt the same way.

That's cool. I am kind of the opposite in that I don't really look much anyway, and when I'm in a relationship feel even less compelled to do so. And I thought other people would be the same way...but most aren't . I'm really working on it. I used to get insecure about that more, and even didn't want my bf going to Hooters or such. Man that was just crazy! I'm still working on the insecurity I feel, but I am no longer trying to stop him from any of that kind of stuff. And he makes a point of not obviously looking when we're together.

Originally Posted by mlc82

The time I can think of when I really did feel raging jealousy was when I thought a previous girlfriend of mine WAS cheating on me, needless to say we broke up very soon after that......I'm fairly certain I would have just about killed the guy.

I'm glad it didn't come to that!!

[sonicpunk32]

And I always thought that when you have a girlfriend, she should be all the girl you need.