Dealing with Negative family at funeral

[Lissy]

I have a difficult situation coming up...the funeral of my cousin who just killed himself.

That side of my family, who I don't see very often, is dysfunctional to say the least. They all talk negatively of each other behind their backs, particularly of my aunt, who just lost her son. My two aunts have not talked for seven years and one aunt badmouths the other (who just lost her son) horribly to me. My uncle badmouths her, my cousins badmouth her. For the most part, this is why I don't associate much with them. I wouldn't be surprised if this negative situation played a part in my cousin's reason for committing suicide.

I don't want to distance myself from them. They are my family and I do love them. How do I deflect the negativity without offending anyone? I can guarantee I will be put in this situation. It may be a comment about how my aunt (who lost child) is dressed or she's being overemotional or "can you believe what she did?"

My sister can't be there and we would just slink back when the situation got bad because we were raised different (parent's divorced). My fiance's going and this is the first time he's met them (i.e. being drug into the first or jerry springer ring).

Help on how to deflect this negativity please! thanks!

[Mr_A]

First I’m sorry to hear how your cousin passed away.
It’s not the time or place to start fixing the problems you and your family have. This is about your cousin, honouring your cousin and saying your final good bye. You can only take control what you think, say and feel, don’t try to control what other people think, say and feel.
You want to deflect the negativity, lead by example by honouring your cousin and their memory

[The Cloud]

Let them have their opinions. They are looking for either an ally to badmouth with or an enemy to assert their opinion against. Give them neither, don't argue or agree with them. If they press you, just dispassionately state your opinion if you have one, or say that it doesn't really matter to you if you don't. If you don't give them something to latch on to, they will probably stop complaining to you. Don't let them draw you into their game of "my opinion is right and your opinion is wrong."

[Lazarus]

you can't control or fix what's emotionally out of control and what appears to be shattered in lots of pieces. time will heal, probably not all but in time, you'll be able to find something. just not now. if that's how they want to show respect for your cousin, let them. you show you're cousin you're better than to start up something =/ my grandfather passed away (RIP Dec 23rd 07) and my 27 year old cousin tried to stir up some trouble, my uncle came in and said you should feel juvenile starting that up at your grandfather's funeral. point is, you're the one being adult about, not a child. and a funeral is a whirlpool of emotions.