I can't believe him - What would you do?

[tweety17]

I have been with my husband for 7 years and we have been married going on 2 years come August but I don't think we'll make it.


My husband always said he doesn't need a piece a paper to show his commitment to me but if I wanted to get married he would. I was 46 when we got married and it was my first marriage and his 3rd. Anyways since we got married it seems the communciation stopped. He claims I don't listen to him and I don't know him. I say the same thing to him. He hasn't worked full-time in over 6 years. He's done a few side jobs but nothing. He hasn't contributed to the day-to-day expenses (however he did invest about $75K in the house renovations)

Anyways he spent the our first anniversary overseas visiting his family, he didn't call or send any emails. Even when he travels he doesn't leave me his itinerary or hotel information where I on the other hand always do and I do call in to check in. He on the other hand said he has never done that so he has no plans to do that.

About 3 weeks ago he was online on instant message and I went upstairs to use the phone and happened to glance at what this person (female) was saying...."I love the weight of you on me and can't wait to feel your touch again". I was shocked and the way I am I didn't say anything right away. The next day I asked what that IM was all about as it sounded like he was having an affair. He said I didn't know the whole conversation and how I could miscontrue what I read. He said they were talking about a movie and how it translated from Chinese to American. He got upset that I would accuse him of cheating. He said if he wanted to cheat he would damn sure make sure I wouldn't know about it. So I said if anyone read what I read they would think the same thing. He said no they wouldn't and was just me and how I think.


Anyways from there it has gone further downhill. He went overseas to help his sister out and when he came back he had to leave again for work. However the night before I heard him tearing up something so the next day when he left I went through the trash. Maybe I shouldn't have as I found a 4-page letter and I spent about a day taping it together. It was a letter from a lady who went on and on about how much she loves the different sexual things with him. I am just so numb. I haven't talked to him about it yet and not sure if I will as I don't think it will matter


As we have had problems he has made plans to leave the country for 9-months visiting his family friends overseas. We had it out over this and he will do what he wants to do as I don't appear to matter to him and he more or less said it's over.

He also brought up the fact that he thinks its stupid for me to leave notes in his pocket or his suitcase when he goes away. I on the other hand think it is a romantic gesture to let him know I was/am thinking of him. To say that is stupid blew my mind.


Stupid me hope that the separation will give him time to realize what he is giving up. After all this I still love him. Maybe because I thought I would never find my true love and at the age of 40 I thought I found him and thought he would be the guy I would spend the rest of my life with.


I guess I'm just living in a fantasy world.


Just venting and sorry for the rambling...but would like to hear what you have to say.

Thanks for listening.

[Tigerlilly]

My heart goes out to you tweety, but I really don't know what to say that you don't really know already deep down.

I also think leaving notes for each other is romantic, if he can't appreciate it, he doesn't deserve it; and I'd be hurt if my hubby didn't leave me his hotel info; heck, I'd expect him to call me at night cause he can't go to sleep without hearing my sweet voice.

I wouldn't count on your hubby smarting up and coming round your door, and honestly I can't say I'm too sorry for that, cause I think there's someone out there you can be much happier with, someone who'd only be happy to share your life and return the love and care you give to him.

[Angela]

Please. The guy is so sleeping with someone. Don't let his lies fog your self-trust.

[sonicpunk32]

I think he's not interested with you. Perhaps he's consciously aware of it or not. Maybe he hasnt left yet cause there's something he needs from you. But I would say he doesnt need your emotional support.

[The Cloud]

You need to set him free. It's obvious that neither of you are happy with your situation, so if you love him then you need to let him go. Don't spend more of your life in a marriage that isn't fulfilling. There is no point to the institution if it isn't bringing two people together to create a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. Nothing good can come of it, and it only hurts yourself and the people around you. My own mother is in a marriage that is based more on anger and blame than anything else, and I don't see how that can even be called a marriage. It makes her miserable, it makes him miserable, and it surely doesn't help us kids. It just creates more negativity in a world that is already overflowing with it.

Don't fight with him and don't blame him, because you're the one who allowed this to happen as much as he made it happen. The responsibility belongs to both of you, which means that you have the power to change the situation. If you just blame him, then you're giving him all the power over the situation. By accepting responsibility, you give yourself the ability to do something about it. My suggestion would be to use that ability. Instead of making this a negative experience, you can make it a positive one where you are making a change to improve your life and the life of one you love. You aren't losing anything, you are gaining something that you never had before.

[groundhog]

I sympathize with you. While I'm too young and naive to understand the breadth of the pain that you're feeling, I sympathize nevertheless.

And I'm sorry to be crass, but you need to hang on to that letter that you taped together, as well (and I hope you don't encounter them) any future "findings". (My forensic psychology class learning compels me to tell you this). Just trust me.

[foxyfox]

i feel for you and understand how hard it must be.

just a thought, do you feel that your husband would be willing to seek marriage counselling as it seems that your marriage life is facing a few very important issues and a professional may be able to help address these problems.

of course, if your husband is determined to 'live his own life' away from you and not willing to work with you, there seems to be very little you can do at the moment, except to strengthen yourself and try to live your own life in the most positive way possible.

let us know your thoughts, we will be happy to provide some support here
foxy

[Lazarus]

i'm not really convinced that he's, okay, let's changed that, i'm not convinced that he's got family overseas. you could be that family overseas on the other end of the situation. the whole 9 months overseas with his "friends" ?. sad to say, but he sounds like a bouncing ball going about the world. i don't like his "truth" towards you. cause sooner or later, it'll come to a point where maybe he probably will admit it and say you have to deal with it =/

my ex used to leave me notes in my coat pockets telling me how much she loves me. then i came back from nightshift, drove to her place and put some in her school bag =/

and the whole true love at 40? my mom got divorced three years back, she's 43 right now and she's been with a guy two years ago and plan on getting married =/ by the sounds of it, relationship wise, they're both very happy.

but what you just said, dragged me right into suspicion mode as well. far too deep for my liking.

[hopena]

It definitely sounds as though he's cheating.

[uberinquisitive]

Visit the best divorce lawyers in town. Make sure you have your a$$ covered financially.

[andrew]

That's really unfortunate. I concur with almost everything everyones said.

The notes thing is really sweet, and I'm a guy. Soon in a relationship I'd say it's creepy and stupid, but for somebody you actually love, that's really awesome, done sparingly. Reminds me when I get a note from my mom on my napkin in my lunchbox when I was a wee lad.

He's wasting your time. Seriously. As harsh as this sounds, you're just waisting your time with somebody who clearly has no interest in you (from what you provided). I'm also going to assume your sex life is quite lackluster given the situation.

Go find somebody who can make you happy. Who can make you feel incredible and like an amazing woman. Somebody who can give you incredible pleasure and cherish you and your body. Find somebody worthy of your time.

Go find a real man.

Start enjoying your life again.

[tweety17]

Thanks for all your input.

I know for a fact that he does have family overseas as we got married overseas and we actually stayed in their home for a couple of days and I have met them.

As far as counseling, we went a couple of times. I thought it was good but his take on it was that he thought it was a waste of time as he says he doesnt need a counselor for him to speak his mind. He also made a comment that she wasn't a "real counselor" as she was a LMHC and not a PHD.

He's overseas until August so we'll see.