UGH what do you do when you are just polar opposites of one of your parents!?

[Rockchick26]

I have posted about this before but that was months ago before i learned a lot of how to deal with this problem,but it isnt getting any better,its getting worse. It's about my negative dad. I have tried almost everything i can think of to adapt to this situation but nothing works. He worries about everything and looks on the dark side of everything,and i'm the complete opposite. We cannot ever see eye to eye. How can two people with totally different personalities ever get along? Especially when its a parent/child relationship?

He is the most negative controlling person i've ever met,and people have said that i've allowed it somehow,so i started to pay attention to ways that i was allowing it,and i couldn't see anything i was doing to provoke this. But,nevertheless...here's how a typical conversation will go. He calls me every day,this is how it goes,almost word for word. (keep in mind i am 35 years old and have lived on my own for over 10 years)

me; Hello?
dad; What are you doing?
me; watching tv
dad; why?
me; because
dad; what time did you get up?
me: (whatever time)
dad: well,why did you sleep so long?
me: i didnt sleep long! i went to bed at (whatever time)
dad; theres supposed to be storms tonight
me: yeah i know
dad; I'd stay home tonight,it is stupid to be driving in it
me; well why would i stay home just cuz there is a storm out? Why would it matter where i was?
dad; *grumble* i just cant seem to connect here...i dont know why i even try to tell you things...it would be stupid to drive in a storm! What if there was a tornado? You apparently dont watch the news,there was a tornado half an hour from here last week! Why dont you sleep over at moms?
me; why does it matter where i am? mom doesnt have a basement either
dad; well i hate to tell you what to do but its stupid to drive in a storm!
me; (silence)
dad; what are you doing this weekend?
me: i have plans with (so and so)
dad: *grumbles* and *sighs* hmpf!!
me; (silence)
dad; how come you never call me? i always have to call you!
me: i dont call anyone! I dont think of calling people when i have nothing to say
dad; oh i guess i dont have any reason to call you anymore then. I just had to see if you were alive cuz i didnt hear from you yesterday.

I"ll stop there cuz its gone on long enough LOL I just dont know what else to do. When i dont say anything back,he starts in with something else. When i speak up for myself,he says he cant "connect" with me and he doesnt know why he tries to tell me anything. When i dont answer the phone,he thinks i'm dead. I just cant win.

My brother usually doesnt answer the phone when he calls (which i have sometimes done too when i really cant take it that day) but then he gets more upset and complains to everyone that we hate him. How can somebody who is positive and worry free get along with somebody who is negative and scared all the time!? Is there any way to have a healthy loving relationship in this situation without being his puppet?

[Brutha]

If I look at that conservation you let your dad determine the topic.
When your dad calls you could also start telling him what awesome thing happened last week in your life.

You; Hello?
He; What are you doing?
You; I just read this awesome book, that I have to tell you about
He: So what is the book about?
You: ...

What are you doing is a very openended question where you can choice a lot of positive answers.
You made the choice to answer with a very short neutral sentence (and I don't imagine you were very passionate in your delivery about watching TV).

It boils down to have something positive to talk about (you probably shouldn't pick something spiritiual but there are a lot of positive things that he can probably listen to).

[Angela]

Why not try generously listening to your dad? You might hear the metamessage that's so easy to see in your transcript:

Dad (metamessage): Rockchick, I love you so dearly that the thought of anything happening to you gives me all kinds of anxiety. Even just hearing about a storm on the news makes me worry that you might be vulnerable to the hard weather. It's so hard for me to be able to tell you how much I love and miss you, but I'm doing the best I can. I really want to connect with you, and I yearn for you to reach out to me. I love you and your brother more than anything in this world -- I love you so much it actually hurts.

Rockchick (possible response): Thanks for worrying about me, Dad. I can hear how much you love me. I love you, too.

[WageMage]

Brutha's absolutely on the money here - you're passively letting the conversation slip out of control - if you don't do SOME steering, any situation will resolve itself as per the tendencies of the most active... "energy emitter". Which in this case is your father.

Also... he DOES call - it may sound like a nuissance to you, it may even be slightly vampiric (not saying it is, mind you - I know nothing of the situation) - which at one level or another means he's reaching out. Well... reach back, meet him halfway- by doing so, you will be able to better choose the terrain for the engagement. Have something lined up, take a look at your day and put yourself in your father's shoes - surely there's SOMETHING there you could bring up that would ressonate with him?

Parental maintenance is often a non-trivial task, but like all things in life, preparation and attitude can make a huge difference. And if it all usually goes to hell, there's always the old adage about dancing with the devil: "Are you gonna lead, or are you gonna follow?"

[Alexjstrandberg]

I disagree with most of the other posters for a lot of reasons. They are basically saying adapt to your father to get him to approve of what you are doing with YOUR life.

To change what you are doing or your answer to that question for someone else is lying and manipulative. It's lying because you aren't being honest with the other person about what you really want to do with your time and what you did do with your time. It's manipulative because you are manipulating the other person into basically leaving you alone and to stop annoying you.

Tricking yourself into thinking that that is love by them "worrying" about you is not true love. True love is acceptance and your father is not accepting you when he nags you about your day.

The reality of what he is doing is not love but control-most parents do it. Most parents don't feel complete or have done a successful job if their kids don't make something of themselves. As well, most parents didn't do well in their lives so they try and "fix" their kids mistakes as a way to heal their own 'failures"-trying to fix the world instead of fixing themselves.

Wagemage is right on him being an energy vampire. He's an interrogator energy vamp who drains your energy. He asked questions that really aren't questions but really just statements disguised as questions.

Interrogator energy vamps learn that making statements will put up people's defenses really quickly and won't be able to get their nagging statements across so they learn and ask fake questions instead.

He his a worrier as well. They worry because they have an inability to go with the flow of life because of their control issues. They have such a strong fear of death, being poor, losing everything etc that they try and control everything, including their children. They believe that if they worry about things they can somehow avoid disaster.

My advice: Tell him to stop worrying about you and to stop trying to control you. Don't argue with him because you won't convince him that you will be just fine-it won't happen.

After you tell him this he WILL freak out because his ego is losing it's control over you and the ego feeds off of control of others. He will get loud with you and try to get you into a debate or to aruge with you. DONT argue just tell him that t's not acceptable.

If his efforts to argue with you and force you to submit dont work(bullying) he will try to guilt trip you. He will tell you things about he only cares for you or how much he just loves you or "what you don't love me anymore"

Don't feel bad, it's only his ego that is hurt. A "rule" that I have is this: advice only when asked for. I suggest that you start implementing that rule with your father. From there anytime he tries to give unsolicited advice you can remind him of the rule.

Eventually he will start to wise up and your relationship will get much better now that the nagging is gone. Or he will hate your guts. Either case, the nagging will stop.

[carenkh]

I agree with Angela - I saw some irritation when he mentioned the storm; is there a way you can accept that, rather than arguing?

I believe he's showing love the best way he knows how. I'd have to disagree with Alexjstrandberg's assertion that it's not love; it's not perfect unconditional love, but it is love. My mom does the same thing - she's called three times in the last week because there were going to be BAD storms, maybe TORNADOS! And I needed to keep safe! I just took a deep breath and said, "OK, thanks." She knows I'm going to do what I'd normally do, but she did her part as a mom (as she sees mothering, anyway), I accepted it - done. She doesn't have to be anyone else for me to love her, even though she drives me crazy. I don't have to feed into her drama by arguing.

I think it's Jack Kornfield that tells the story of going back to his parent's house after he'd been away studying Buddhism. He'd argue about their lack of peace, etc. and always left frustrated. After he'd been practicing a bit more, when he went to see his parents, he accepted them as they were, and didn't argue or point out their flaws. Things were peaceful and calm - because HE was peaceful and calm. He says when he went to them as a Buddhist, it didn't go so well; when he went as a Buddha, it was fine.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

My advice: Tell him to stop worrying about you and to stop trying to control you.

Well, you might want to take a look at how telling someone to stop trying to control you, you are doing exactly what you are telling them to stop doing!

You won't get someone to generate freedom for you if you're not generating freedom for them.

[PerDev]

Originally Posted by Brutha

If I look at that conservation you let your dad determine the topic.
When your dad calls you could also start telling him what awesome thing happened last week in your life.

You; Hello?
He; What are you doing?
You; I just read this awesome book, that I have to tell you about
He: So what is the book about?
You: ...

What are you doing is a very openended question where you can choice a lot of positive answers.
You made the choice to answer with a very short neutral sentence (and I don't imagine you were very passionate in your delivery about watching TV).

It boils down to have something positive to talk about (you probably shouldn't pick something spiritiual but there are a lot of positive things that he can probably listen to).

This is Good Idea , Instead of your Dad driving the conversation, You can take lead and drive the conversation

Also If things perssis the same way you can accept him as he is and try to find humor in what he is saying as it is expected what all things he would ask and do ... If nothing works and everything frustate you and stop you from grow and achieve your lifes goals then remain distance from him and still love him ..

[ogrekilleat]

Re Angela's words about:

My advice: Tell him to stop worrying about you and to stop trying to control you.

Right on, Angela, but not only that, telling him that won't work, and it will increase the antagonism, so why bother to try it?

I think carenkh's post is great. And this a very insightful thought

He says when he went to them as a Buddhist, it didn't go so well; when he went as a Buddha, it was fine.

that I will try to apply in similar situations to this one that occur in my own life. It's good because I think people in general do tend to get caught up in "having people accept us", rather than in truly striving to become our ideals. If I can be my ideal, especially since my ideal is very peaceful and accepting, does it really matter if people are worrying and nagging? It really is true that it takes multiple people to make an argument, so if you're accepting and loving, I think conversational peace will inevitably flow from that.

If nothing works and everything frustate you and stop you from grow and achieve your lifes goals then remain distance from him and still love him ..

I disagree with this, because that frustration is a sign that the relationship is providing an ideal opportunity to learn and grow, and you can't get that learning from a distance. After all, if math problems are too difficult, if you set them aside and work on something else, they are still too difficult when you come back. However, if you accept the problems as a learning challenge and work on them, then eventually they become easier.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Originally Posted by Angela

Well, you might want to take a look at how telling someone to stop trying to control you, you are doing exactly what you are telling them to stop doing!

You won't get someone to generate freedom for you if you're not generating freedom for them.

It's not controlling someone else's behavior, it's simply letting them know how you wish to be treated-it's self respect.

Controlling would be to try and change other people's behaviors. I'm suggesting that he develop standards for how he wants to be treated and this father, mother, stranger on the street, anyone has the CHOICE and freewill to either live up to those standards or not.

If they decide to not live up to those standards you dont force or try and get them to live up to it. You honor their CHOICE to be the way they are and make your own decision as to whether or not you want someone in your life like that. If you decide to move on, wish them well on their path.

I understand why you would think it's controlling. It's controlling if you take out freewill and choice. Most people would use it to control others but thats not what I am advocating. I'm suggesting develop standards for who you want to spend your time with.

The standards are for those who YOU want to be in your life. They aren't for mark or suzie, they are for whoever wants to spend time with you. You arent trying to get your friend mark to behave a certain way. You are simply letting Mark know how you want to be treated and give him the CHOICE as to whether or not he wants to be in your life.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Originally Posted by Angela

Well, you might want to take a look at how telling someone to stop trying to control you, you are doing exactly what you are telling them to stop doing!

You won't get someone to generate freedom for you if you're not generating freedom for them.

and don't put too much importance on the words I used, it's the intention behind them. They are just words that really mean "anyone who wants to be in my life shouldn't try to control me, you choice" but that would take longer to right out.
I forget that people are so used to manipulators that they take my words literally and think that I'm suggesting that you try and control other people.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

They are just words that really mean "anyone who wants to be in my life shouldn't try to control me, you choice" but that would take longer to right out.

I get what you mean. And unfortunately, all the *shoulds* in the world are nothing but an attempt to control the world -- to argue with reality. And when you argue with reality, you lose!

Telling someone to do something, or telling that that "if you want to be in my life you shouldn't try to control me", isn't very effective at getting what you want, in my experience. The "My way or the Highway" approach is a good way to blind yourself to what it is you really want -- in this case, that might be freedom, love, support, trust -- things like that.

In my experience, telling people what to do, or *shoulding* them, just doesn't work in generating freedom, love, support, or trust. It's great, though, for generating being right, being separate, being constrained, and being resentful. To each his own!

P.S. Telling your parents not to worry about you, the whole idea makes me laugh! You might as well tell a tiger to be a vegetarian.

[PianoManGidley]

You didn't choose to be related to him. I don't see why modern society still feels pressured to keep hold of ties to biological relations if the actual relationship isn't working out. It may sound callous of me, but perhaps you should just consider cutting off all contact from your father altogether.

[Playlife]

Originally Posted by Angela

P.S. Telling your parents not to worry about you, the whole idea makes me laugh! You might as well tell a tiger to be a vegetarian.

Angela, are you pregnant by any chance?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Playlife

Angela, are you pregnant by any chance?

Now that REALLY makes me laugh!

ummm, I don't think so......

[Alexjstrandberg]

Originally Posted by Angela

I get what you mean. And unfortunately, all the *shoulds* in the world are nothing but an attempt to control the world -- to argue with reality. And when you argue with reality, you lose!

Telling someone to do something, or telling that that "if you want to be in my life you shouldn't try to control me", isn't very effective at getting what you want, in my experience. The "My way or the Highway" approach is a good way to blind yourself to what it is you really want -- in this case, that might be freedom, love, support, trust -- things like that.

In my experience, telling people what to do, or *shoulding* them, just doesn't work in generating freedom, love, support, or trust. It's great, though, for generating being right, being separate, being constrained, and being resentful. To each his own!

P.S. Telling your parents not to worry about you, the whole idea makes me laugh! You might as well tell a tiger to be a vegetarian.

Never a should in life, merely suggestions.

"whether they are laughing at you or laughing with you, at least they are smiling" happy to put a smile on someones face

The "my way or the highway" as you call it, isn't great for being friends with everyone, only friends with high self esteem, intelligent, have something going on for them, open heart, sense of humor and so on will be the ones who you won't even need to tell them these things because they already do it.

Unfortunately for a lot of people, a lot of parents don't fall under that category. Some are great people and some are not. Just because they are family doesnt mean they will be nice people who know how to treat other people right.

When you keep people around in your life that aren't so great for you it causes you to feel drained, disrespected, walked over, lower self esteem, heart closing which means less love, acceptance etc, think Napoleon Hill and mastermind group.

Hanging around with people who try to control, hurt, disrespect and demean you will prevent great, amazing people who will love you just as you are from coming into your life.

I'm not trying to control the world, only myself. The world will be what it is and I am definitely not for everyone and everyone is definitely not for me. I seek out people who are too busy enjoying their life to nag people about watching TV or sleeping late.

[Angela]

I'm with you all the way.

[Playlife]

Originally Posted by Angela

P.S. Telling your parents not to worry about you, the whole idea makes me laugh! You might as well tell a tiger to be a vegetarian.

But this is perhaps one of the biggest things that make people feel paralyzed and powerless. I can't do anything I want because I might cause worry for my parents. I have hard enough time juggling with my own life and doings, now add my parents' health and wellbeing to that too.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Playlife

But this is perhaps one of the biggest things that make people feel paralyzed and powerless. I can't do anything I want because I might cause worry for my parents. I have hard enough time juggling with my own life and doings, now add my parents' health and wellbeing to that too.

Don't forget that the thoughts, opinions, words, and actions of others don't make you do, be, or feel anything. You are free, just like they are.

You don't have to do anything to cause worry for your parents -- they'll just go ahead and worry no matter what you do.