UGH what do you do when you are just polar opposites of one of your parents!?

[coLLege kid07]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

wow,so many replies so quickly! I dont know if i can reply directly to each one of these,but i'll try to fit all my replies into one.

First of all,i HAVE tried to incorportate posotive subjects in the conversation. What he does then is makes me feel like i'm not seeing reality. For one example,he was complaining about our job (we work at the same place...yeah,he pretty much forced me to get a job there,thats another whole story there)...and anyway work is slow and they send us home without pay sometimes. Every time he calls,he says "Looks like there's no work again tonight...i hate this" and i'll reply "well its not enough to make me broke" and he'll say "but how can you survive with less money!? You must be making money on the side somehow!" and i'll say "what?! no i have a savings,i dont worry about money! I'm not one of those people who freaks out every time i get sent home" and he'll say "well you should! what would you do if you got laid off?!" "i'd get another job!" "oh yeah its really that easy!...*grumbles*...i cant tell you anything!"

That was pretty much word for word our conversation the other day. So even when i tell him i'm fine,i try to make him worry less,he worries MORE,almost as if to make up for what i'm not worrying about!

About the one week calling rule...oh man,that would be like adding fuel to the fire. If we dont talk in 2 or 3 days,he'll call me and say "where were you the last few days,i havent heard from you?" Over weekends are especially bad because thats when i see my friends,and i sleep during the day and am up all night so sometimes by the time i see that he called,i cant call him back cuz its the middle of the night. So then Monday will come and he'll see me at work and he'll say "Where were you all weekend,i didnt hear from you!?" and i'll say "well i was out with my friends,i didnt see you called until you were already in bed" "why do you always have to fun around with your friends every weekend!?" and so it goes on and on...

To Angela-I see what youre saying about his message to me,that he cares about me and is only concerned...which would be MUCH easier to respond to if it was worded correctly. When someone is saying what i'm doing is stupid,or why cant i listen to him,how can one respond to that? If he would simply say,calmly,"i just worry about you and i dont want you to get hurt" i could say,"i know,thats your job to worry about me" but its hard to be positive when he's so negative. I do try to say positive things,like one day we were talking about if i could ever go to college,what would i go for and i said "music" and he said "Music?! Why would you go for that?" "well because i like it!" "thats stupid! Why dont you go to be a nurse,you can easily find jobs doing that". Just like when he asks what i did over the weekend i'll say "I went to a concert with (so and so) and then we went to this really cool..." but before i can get the rest out he's already starting in with "Another concert?! Why do you go to those all the time?! Why dont you ever stay home once?!" So there is just no winning here.

You can only control how you yourself feels...no one else. As Ghandi once said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." You may not realise it yet but your reaction to the situation isn't necessarily positive. Positive = no resistance, no reaction to what is. You are inevitablely resisting negativety with negativety. Stay in the now and thereby dissolve this pattern.

Also realise parents do the best job they can. Whether you agree with it or not, I'm sure your parents really love you and wish the best for you. Be grateful even if it isn't warranted. Remember you have the choice.

[Brutha]

First of all,i HAVE tried to incorportate posotive subjects in the conversation. What he does then is makes me feel like i'm not seeing reality. For one example,he was complaining about our job (we work at the same place...yeah,he pretty much forced me to get a job there,thats another whole story there)...and anyway work is slow and they send us home without pay sometimes.

That not an example of a postive topic.
It's an example of a topic that he brought up and where he started with a certain mindset.

"Where were you all weekend,i didnt hear from you!?" and i'll say "well i was out with my friends,i didnt see you called until you were already in bed" "why do you always have to fun around with your friends every weekend!?"

You don't have to continue a conversation like that. If you continue it, it is your choice.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

would you feel guilty if you stopped talking to him? It seems like there are very few people left for him and you wouldn't want him to be alone?

Yes i would feel guilty because its not like he has raped me or tried to kill me or anything LOL I mean,i dont hate him. You only get one father and i dont want to treat him like he doesnt exist,he wont be alive forever (another thing he always reminds me of *rolls eyes*)

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

You can only control how you yourself feels...no one else. As Ghandi once said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." You may not realise it yet but your reaction to the situation isn't necessarily positive. Positive = no resistance, no reaction to what is. You are inevitablely resisting negativety with negativety. Stay in the now and thereby dissolve this pattern.

but thats what i'm asking here,HOW exactly do i do that? How do you react to this any other way? I mean without completely starting a fight or shutting him out of my life? Am i supposed to just sit there in silence and not talk at all? Because like i showed in the first post,if i dont react to what he says,he'll only bring up another negative thing to talk about. If i bring up something positive,he'll find the negative in it.

Also realise parents do the best job they can. Whether you agree with it or not, I'm sure your parents really love you and wish the best for you. Be grateful even if it isn't warranted. Remember you have the choice.

I know he is doing the best he can,and i know he loves me. That is what keeps me from shutting him out of my life. I just wish there was a way to make him stop the way he's acting but i know you cant change anyone,and i've done all i can on my end,the whole Ghandi thing about being the change i want to see,that is why i try to make the conversation positive,that is why i dont respond when something is too harsh,yet it still doesnt work! I wonder what Ghandi would do with my dad! lol Well actually my dad wouldnt be treating him that way so it wouldn't be an issue

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Brutha

That not an example of a postive topic.
It's an example of a topic that he brought up and where he started with a certain mindset.
You don't have to continue a conversation like that. If you continue it, it is your choice.

Well,honestly then,we would NEVER have conversations. They are ALL like this! I cant even tell him about a fun trip i went on because he will say "you mean you were out til 3 in the morning?!" and "oh that was stupid,why didnt you do (whatever) instead!?" or he'll make that noise like he's clicking his tongue and shaking his head then he'll say "why did you do that?" I'm telling you,NOTHING is right that i do,nothing is good enough,the only way our conversations would flow nicely is if i were to say "i want to move in with you and sell my car so i cant ever go anywhere and i'll never leave this town again or have any friends!" Seriously,that sounds mental but that is how he wants me to live my life.

[Angela]

Rockchick, it's not about not responding. It's about not resisting. You spend pretty much your entire relationship with your dad in a state of resistance. He doesn't "make" you resist; your way of being is your choice.

Letting go of resistance does not mean you must agree with everything or even anything he says or does, and it doesn't mean you have to like it! It means being transparent to it. You can still be loving and responsive at the same time you're being transparent.

You might want to practice with something less emotionally charged than your conversations with your father. Eckhart Tolle uses the example of a leaf blower (that is REALLY good practice for me; I don't like that noise). Or pick something else that is a minor discomfort for you. Practice imagining your body to be transparent and allow the stimulus to just flow right through you (rather than hitting you and bouncing off you, as may happen when you are resisting).

And it is incredibly valuable to look for an inner "Yes" to the thing you are resisting, too. Especially if your whole spirit is screaming out, NO NO NO! Practice finding at least one or two ways in which the No is actually a Yes. You won't be diminished by finding the positive truth in what occurs for you as a negative stimulus. You'll be expanded. And remember, the more awful and impossible that sounds for a particular stimulus, the more abundant, flowing, blessing of growth is available.

[coLLege kid07]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

but thats what i'm asking here,HOW exactly do i do that? How do you react to this any other way? I mean without completely starting a fight or shutting him out of my life? Am i supposed to just sit there in silence and not talk at all? Because like i showed in the first post,if i dont react to what he says,he'll only bring up another negative thing to talk about. If i bring up something positive,he'll find the negative in it.

I'd start by digging deep and asking yourself the tough questions about why you're reacting that way.
If I were you...I would just state an intention to figure out why you react this way. I wouldn't really worry too much about your behavior, I'd just start intending to figure out your situation. Also remember, everything happens for a reason.

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I know he is doing the best he can,and i know he loves me. That is what keeps me from shutting him out of my life. I just wish there was a way to make him stop the way he's acting but i know you cant change anyone,and i've done all i can on my end,the whole Ghandi thing about being the change i want to see,that is why i try to make the conversation positive,that is why i dont respond when something is too harsh,yet it still doesnt work! I wonder what Ghandi would do with my dad! lol Well actually my dad wouldnt be treating him that way so it wouldn't be an issue

The biggest lesson you can learn is...you can only change yourself no one else. If you are having a "negative" reaction to a situation it is only because YOU ARE having that reaction no one else. As you begin to be more and more nonreactive you'll begin to realise that all this negativity and all these things you thought were "out there" were actually all in you and in your head. Again I wouldn't take these things personally because you would thus be creating more of what you don't want.

[Lauxa]

It seems like you are letting him ask all the questions and showing very little interest in his life or in providing validation for his opinions. What would happen if you asked more questions about him? For instance, can you imagine the following conversation:

you; Hello?
dad; What are you doing?
you; watching tv, what are you doing?
dad; ???

dad; what time did you get up?
you: (whatever time), how about you?
dad: I got up way earlier, why did you sleep so long?
you: I slept (however long), it seems like I need about x hours sleep a night. What about you, have you been sleeping well?
dad: ???

dad; theres supposed to be storms tonight
you: yeah i know
dad; I'd stay home tonight,it is stupid to be driving in it
you; well, I'll certainly take that into consideration
dad; *grumble* i just cant seem to connect here...i dont know why i even try to tell you things...it would be stupid to drive in a storm! What if there was a tornado? You apparently dont watch the news,there was a tornado half an hour from here last week! Why dont you sleep over at moms?
you; do you think that would help? mom doesn't have a basement either.
dad; well i hate to tell you what to do but its stupid to drive in a storm!
you; thank you for your concern

dad; what are you doing this weekend?
you: i have plans with (so and so), what are you doing?
dad: ???

dad; how come you never call me? i always have to call you!
you: I guess I have a hard time coming up with things to talk about, thanks for taking the effort to keep in touch

dad: Looks like there's no work again tonight...i hate this.
you: Yeah, the financial instability of this company really seems to stress you out. Have you thought about looking for a new job?

Anyways, the game I am proposing is to keep the focus of the conversation on him so that he can't spend as much time criticizing you. When he criticizes you, thank him for his opinion and try to move back to talking about him. This may have the side effect of making him feel better understood and having a better connection.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Angela

You might want to practice with something less emotionally charged than your conversations with your father. Eckhart Tolle uses the example of a leaf blower (that is REALLY good practice for me; I don't like that noise). Or pick something else that is a minor discomfort for you. Practice imagining your body to be transparent and allow the stimulus to just flow right through you (rather than hitting you and bouncing off you, as may happen when you are resisting).

And it is incredibly valuable to look for an inner "Yes" to the thing you are resisting, too. Especially if your whole spirit is screaming out, NO NO NO! Practice finding at least one or two ways in which the No is actually a Yes. You won't be diminished by finding the positive truth in what occurs for you as a negative stimulus. You'll be expanded. And remember, the more awful and impossible that sounds for a particular stimulus, the more abundant, flowing, blessing of growth is available.

I have read some Tolle but don't recall the leaf blower analogy,maybe i havent gotten to that part yet. So you're saying to let the negativity pass through me,as if i dont exist? Maybe i am understanding this wrong. I dont see a way of reacting to it (or nonreacting,as i think you are saying) without flat out ignoring him.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

I'd start by digging deep and asking yourself the tough questions about why you're reacting that way.
If I were you...I would just state an intention to figure out why you react this way. I wouldn't really worry too much about your behavior, I'd just start intending to figure out your situation. Also remember, everything happens for a reason.




The biggest lesson you can learn is...you can only change yourself no one else. If you are having a "negative" reaction to a situation it is only because YOU ARE having that reaction no one else. As you begin to be more and more nonreactive you'll begin to realise that all this negativity and all these things you thought were "out there" were actually all in you and in your head. Again I wouldn't take these things personally because you would thus be creating more of what you don't want.

But i am not the only one who reacts this way with him,like i've said,his girlfriend,my mom (when they were married),my brother,we all have to deal with him. This isnt just in my head. Even my coworkers have noticed how he talks to me,and they say "It must have been horrible growing up with him". So the answer to your first question of 'why are you reacting that way?' is because he is a controlling negative person! He can only bring about this reaction in people (the ones he is trying to control,anyway). And about taking it personally,i don't really...since i know he is this way with other people...i just want to know how to keep your sanity when you have to deal with someone in your family who is like this,yet keeping the relationship from going to hell.

[munish]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

...i just want to know how to keep your sanity when you have to deal with someone in your family who is like this,yet keeping the relationship from going to hell.

First, try and understand the family relationship problems.

Understanding Family Relationship Problems

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

It seems like you are letting him ask all the questions and showing very little interest in his life or in providing validation for his opinions. What would happen if you asked more questions about him? For instance, can you imagine the following conversation:

you; Hello?

dad; What are you doing?

you; watching tv, what are you doing?

dad; ???

I do ask him what he's doing,after i tell him what i'm doing...but his only answer is always "watching the game on tv (or the news,whatever)" and then 2 seconds later his next question comes up!

dad; what time did you get up?

you: (whatever time), how about you?

dad: I got up way earlier, why did you sleep so long?

you: I slept (however long), it seems like I need about x hours sleep a night. What about you, have you been sleeping well?

dad: ???

lol This topic of sleep is an ongoing argument between me and my dad. Anytime i tell him how much sleep i got or didnt get,that opens up more questions like "why did you go to bed so late?" or "why cant you sleep right away after work and then get up earlier?" And he tells me almost every time we talk that he never gets more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night so i'm lucky if i get 5. I tell him "thats cuz you worry too much" but it doesnt make any difference.

dad; what are you doing this weekend?

you: i have plans with (so and so), what are you doing?

dad: ???

I DO ask him what he is doing but he doesnt hear me because he is too busy getting upset about what i told him I'm doing! lol Like just this last weekend,when he asked me,i said "i am gonna do something with (so and so)" and i added on "what are you and Kathy doing this weekend?" but he didnt hear me say that part cuz he had to get in,"HMMPF!! Why do you have to do that?"

dad; how come you never call me? i always have to call you!

you: I guess I have a hard time coming up with things to talk about, thanks for taking the effort to keep in touch

This is exactly what i told him (minus the thanks part LOL) but when i said i dont call people because i dont have anything to talk about,he got even more mad and said "oh then i guess i will never call you again then!" He just simply does not understand that people are different from him. Some are phone people,some are not. He is,i'm not. But yet it turns into a big fight because he gets mad that i am not just like him,and when i tell him its not just him,i dont call ANYONE,not even my mom,he still doesnt get it!!

dad: Looks like there's no work again tonight...i hate this.

you: Yeah, the financial instability of this company really seems to stress you out. Have you thought about looking for a new job?

We have talked about this,and he is going to retire next year. That was the conversation where he asked me what job i would get and i said i wanted to work in music and he turned that into an arguement too

I'll try harder to find new ways to change the conversation over to him...but i could talk til i'm blue in the face about his life but he still wont feel connected because i am living my life differently. He has even admitted before that he just wants us to continue the life we had growing up (going to church every Sunday,living together)...he just cant accept the fact that we are individuals,not his puppets.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by munish

First, try and understand the family relationship problems.

Understanding Family Relationship Problems

I clicked on this and read it and i realized i had already read this before. It isnt specific enough to my situation though,so reading it doesnt really tell me how to fix this problem. He says to look at your inner conflicts,but i really have no inner conflict,i NEVER have feelings or situations like this until my dad starts talking to me! I have racked my brain and thought long and hard and i dont see how i bring this on myself,or wish it upon myself subconsciously. I just think me and my dad are two completely different types of people,we could not be more different...and he cant accept that i'm an independent adult,so i'm forced to deal with it,or cut him out of my life,which i think would cause more problems than what this is.

[coLLege kid07]

Hey try reading steve's new article "Feeling blessed"...I'm sure that will greatly help. What I've learned in making this pursuit is that no one really seems to like a "perfect" person. (achieving a new degree of consciousness doesn't attract too many people if they are already at a lower degree of consciousness). Nevertheless I wouldn't read too much on that and I'd just start achieving what you really want. Don't worry about your parents too much, and I'm sure when you start achieving what you want everything will come around. Oh and also you might want to spend sometime thinking about what direction you want to head and establish some strong beliefs to help you in this path.*if you don't stand for something, than you end up standing for nothing* (a good slogan I picked up=) ) Don't worry about the process and just read steve's article. Good luck

[dice]

ah my friend we have the same kind of family!

appreciate it. its a gift. those people will build up patience and tolerance in you like you wouldnt believe if you choose to make it that way.

don't change yourself to accomodate them but DO seek to understand them completely

and if nothing else works just find something funny about it, laugh at your contrasts and the absurdity of your situation or whatever you like.

that's how i've coped.

give it time too. go slow.

[Rockchick26]

Wow,there were more replies here i never saw! Sorry i'm replying so late LOL I came back to this thread because i'm having that same problem with my dad still and i thought i'd reread what people have said to me.

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

Nevertheless I wouldn't read too much on that and I'd just start achieving what you really want. Don't worry about your parents too much, and I'm sure when you start achieving what you want everything will come around. Oh and also you might want to spend sometime thinking about what direction you want to head and establish some strong beliefs to help you in this path.

This has nothing to do with what i want to achieve in my life. I could be the President and my dad would still have control issues. It has nothing to do with what i do for a living.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by dice

ah my friend we have the same kind of family!

appreciate it. its a gift. those people will build up patience and tolerance in you like you wouldnt believe if you choose to make it that way.

Patience and tolerance are not good for the body. I am holding something inside,holding back my reactions,and it's not good. I've had appendicitis twice recently and i was told it was my pent up feelings manifesting into my body (toxins building up) so i think i should be about done with patience and tolerance.

don't change yourself to accomodate them but DO seek to understand them completely

I do try to understand my dad,and i know it all comes from love,but he goes from love to anger and judgement at the drop of a hat,and i dont like anger and judgement. I don't like this situation no matter what his intentions are,because he turns it around to be something horrible.

and if nothing else works just find something funny about it, laugh at your contrasts and the absurdity of your situation or whatever you like.

When your dad says to you "I have $10,000 in my checking account,i guess i'll be leaving that to my son!" how are you supposed to laugh at that? What do you even SAY to that? I just turned around and walked away cuz my shift was over and i had to go home.

give it time too. go slow.

Thats nice advice for a new problem but this problem has been going on for about 20 years. I have given it time,the older i get,the more controlling and angry he gets.