marriage advise

[BartSinghson]

Hello All,

I need a marriage advice. I have been debating (with myself) about posting this here but the guy in me has been telling me to be fix my own problems. But I can't seem to do that.

I have been married for more than 2 years and we (me and the mrs) have not seen "eye-to-eye" on anything mutual. Don't get me wrong - we have a nice time, we have bought a house together but that is when we are not fighting but 2 days a week (yes we have fought every week for last 2.5 years) we just can't seem to talk about anything.

The issue I have is that she does not like listening to me (Wear good clothes to work, put some makeup on, Cook food for the whole week on the weekends etc). Anything I ask from her is interpreted as if I am finding faults with her. A simple joke (She once told me not to change jobs every year, but when her friends were changing jobs at work, I said – what happened – aren’t you supposed to wait and I smiled) with her makes her defensive and she thinks I am just finding faults. I just cannot be myself with her. We don't have anything in common - she is a complete opposite of me (Values, Money, Friends).

I feel that I am the wife in the house who has to work full time, manage finance, manage gardening, manage cleaning the house, manage talking to friends, make financial planner appointments, manage superannuation change, manage my parents (they live overseas) etc. We do takeouts 80% of the time. Her lifestyle is to go to work, come home and eat, watch TV and sleep on the sofa. This just burns me up and every time I ask her to do anything - she just tells me that she is tired and I should not be paranoid of all this. We had ants infestation in the house and there were ants in the bathroom and kitchen, she was calm and went to the sofa and started watch TV. She said there is no point being paranoid.

Weekend is coming up and I am dreading, like every weekend. I have to remind myself every Friday not to say something that is going to ruin my weekend. When I say something that she doesn't like - she will go quiet and start crying. She will then go to the bedroom and go to sleep. I have to plead her, beg her for forgiveness and say sorry for hours and hours and sometimes days before she will agree.

When I try talking to her - she will just refuse to talk and say "Talking just doesn't work, leave me alone".

I am always scared and lost. Please suggest how I should deal with this situation so have a happy married life.

I don't want to divorce her or leave her. I just want to fix this relationship because I know that she has some presets in her life and once I can change this - we will be very happy together.

[ideagasms]

It's awesome that you want to fix the relationship, I myself like to see things through 'to the bitter end' as much as I can.

That said, one has to know where to draw the line and 'fire' a woman. To me, as soon as a woman no longer wishes to follow my lead, I'll attempt to discuss it with her as much as I can, but in the end, "it's my way or the highway" (unless she can educate or teach me that I'm going down the wrong path).

This is called 'sexual polarity'. Your current situation is more like 'reverse polarity', where you seem to feel that you have been stripped of your power and masculinity.

Consider this, which seems astounding to me:

We don't have anything in common - she is a complete opposite of me (Values, Money, Friends).

I feel that I am the wife in the house who has to work full time, manage finance, manage gardening, manage cleaning the house, manage talking to friends, make financial planner appointments, manage superannuation change, manage my parents (they live overseas) etc. We do takeouts 80% of the time. Her lifestyle is to go to work, come home and eat, watch TV and sleep on the sofa.

My question to you is, "Why did you choose this, how did you participate in creating this reality, and are you going to accept this from now on?"

You two seem to have (possibly) passed a point of no return. Although I would never tell you that you "should" break up or not, your situation does seem ominous.

Since YOU are willing to actively work on saving this relationship, this raises the question, "Is she also willing to work things out?"

"Fixing" a relationship, especially one that has sunk to such a low level, is going to require a *serious* level of humility. My advice (and advice is cheap) is to find out the answer to the above questions. Your wife will need to meet you half-way I'm afraid.

One more thing, my guess is that frankly, you probably suck with women in general. I mean on every level, including 'pickup', dating, sex, relationships, and so on. Just a guess, I've been doing this for a long time.

Until a man feels he can enjoy a certain amount of abundance (e.g., the ability to meet women and get dates) he's going to feel very needy and insecure, and is likely to give his power away to whatever women he feels "lucky" (too lucky!) to have in his life. The ONLY problem humans EVER experience in relationships is that they give away their power.

Anyway, best of luck, prayers sent

Stephane

[silicon toad2000]

From what you have told us I am thinking that you might need more than just the excellent help you will get here. I really think it might be time to call in the professionals, an objective third party who is neutral and a neutral location.
The whole 'talking doesn't work' line is a worry. Communication is one of the keys to a successful relationship.

[Kristina]

I wouldn't want to talk either if everything we talked about was how my lifestyle needed to change. She is entitled to have the lifestyle she wants, you can ask her to lean toward a compromise, but insisting she change completely towards the lifestyle you envision with no compromise on your part either is not going to work.

You got married with some serious expectations. You expected your married lifestyle to be a certain way, and you failed to discuss this together and agree before you got married.

Here's some concrete steps I would take:

1. Accept that she can live her lifestyle, back off, and strive to live mine. So in your instance, I would cook my food on weekends for the week, and let her continue to get take out. I would get home and do what I like (exercise, getting outside... obviously not tv!). Finally I would dress appropriately for work (whereas you think she doesn't)
This action is not going to result in a marriage it's going to result in living like roomates...

2. While I strive to enjoy my lifestyle as I wanted it. I would seriously do some thinking about how I expected this marriage to work. What sort of life did I envision together? What concrete things did I want?
Was eating supper together every night important? Something else?

3. Check in a few weeks with her, ask her what her expectations of marriage were... because it's obvious you had different assumptions of what your married life together would be like. Those expectations are ones we often don't know we had until we're married... so dealing with them is difficult.

Good luck,

[Brutha]

The issue I have is that she does not like listening to me (Wear good clothes to work, put some makeup on, Cook food for the whole week on the weekends etc).

There is a huge difference between listening to someone and doing what someone demands of you.

To me it seems that your issue is that she doesn't do what you want.

[lasti]

Originally Posted by BartSinghson

Wear good clothes to work, put some makeup on

If a guy told me that I would also ignore him

[jaamkie]

Reading this brings to mind a friend's parents- the husband was a military man, worked full time, and would also take care of the house, laundry, cleaning, often cooked, presumably took care of the bills etc, just generally kept everything orderly and ran the family; yet his wife, without having any obvious responsibilities, just by being her wonderful spontaneous loving self, was really giving equally to their relationship/family, just in a different way. His wife's ability to adapt to any situation, without getting stressed or controlling, allowed her to live abroad and move regularly with several small children without becoming resentful of his military career. She made friends for them wherever they lived, kept in touch with distant family and old friends, made their houses very loving supportive homes for their children, did volunteer work and organized community events... generally she was an absolutely wonderful wife and mother despite not really working, not really doing housework, not being exceptionally rich or stunning...

So I'm wondering if you really didn't realize this difference in personalities, lifestyles, before you got married? Or did you at one point love the differences and feel that they balanced and challenged you? I agree with everyone else here- she can change particular habits as a gift to you- at some cost to herself, but she can't change her basic personality, and approaching this as if she just needs to conform to your standards is never going to work. I'd bet if you ask her, she probably has grievances with you also- maybe you're not fun-loving enough, maybe you focus too much on superficial appearances, are annoyingly perfectionistic... Y'all ought to try to both see the good in eachother's personalities and try to come to some compromises on practical lifestyle choices that annoy each other the most- and both put some effort into actually implementing the compromises without keeping score or complaining too much when the other person messes up.

[jaamkie]

Originally Posted by BartSinghson

The issue I have is that she does not like listening to me (Wear good clothes to work, put some makeup on, Cook food for the whole week on the weekends etc). Anything I ask from her is interpreted as if I am finding faults with her.

I feel that I am the wife in the house who has to work full time, manage finance, manage gardening, manage cleaning the house, manage talking to friends, make financial planner appointments, manage superannuation change, manage my parents (they live overseas) etc. We do takeouts 80% of the time. Her lifestyle is to go to work, come home and eat, watch TV and sleep on the sofa.

What really bothers me as a woman about your post is the insinuation that being "the wife in the house" is a negative thing or a role you don't want- if you treat housework/cooking as something unpleasant that you shouldn't have to do, then WHY do you expect that she will want to do if if she can avoid it??? Especially if things like ants are no big deal to her and they bother you, from her perspective it makes a lot of sense to let you deal with it... also, if she does something half-assed (to you) and you criticize and redo it, that also would be extremely demotivating- what's the point to try if you'll say it isn't perfect anyway?

On the other hand, working, TV, takeout, arguing/crying, and sleep doesn't sound like a particularly healthy/happy life to me either- maybe her job is stressful? maybe she's got unfulfilled dreams? maybe she's depressed? maybe living that sort of lifestyle really has taken all of her energy and getting tasks from you is too much to deal with and it is just an unhappy downward spiral? I think if you care about your wife you need to see that she is at least as unhappy with things as you are, probably trying to deal with it by closing down to the situation, and exhausted and really unable to follow your suggestions even if she wants to try. If she's generally unhappy and tired all the time, you ought to do the opposite of what you want to do- tell her not to worrry about cooking or cleaning or laundry etc, that you'll take care of it all (most importantly- make healthy dinners instead of takeout!!!), but you're concerned about her and wonder if there's anything she'd like to try to be happier- maybe some sort of exercise/activity, maybe time with friends (if they're not miserable/drunkard friends...), maybe spirituality, maybe a psychologist/doctor? And then be totally supportive of whatever it is- getting away from the TV and eating healthier and not arguing/crying would probably give her a lot more energy to start giving back more to the relationship.

[IFeelGood]

My first gut instinct from reading the OP is that she is depressed. I am wondering also... is this an arranged marriage or did you marry in a very short amount of time before getting to know one another? The reason I ask is that it sounds like you didn't know very much about her before you decided to marry(unless you decided to marry her knowing that you had very different ways).

My advice to you is to try to come to a place of acceptance with your wife, where you accept her for exactly who she is at this moment and when you do that, let her know(it doesn't have to be an AHA honey guess what I just realized, some things are best done in subtle ways). At some point, maybe she will break the wall down and tell you what is going on in her mind. Also, I would suggest that you not take anything she says or does "personally". At the same time, It is important that taking full responsibility for all of your thoughts, feelings, actions and opinions will bring the right energy here. Marriage is work but with the right person, the rewards are greater than the eye can see...

All the best to you!!!!!!!!!

[robc]

You have needs that are not being met, she has needs that are not being met.

Have a serious talk with her.

First things first, don't tell her what she is doing wrong.
That is seriously undermining your position. If all a person ever hears is that everything they do is wrong, they have no motivation to change for you because apparently they're not good enough for you.

Second, tell her that what you want and be honest about it. No beating around the bush, try to temper how you say things with compassion, don't make it sound like she is your servant because she isn't, she is your wife, your partner and treat her as such.

Third, ask her what she wants and to be honest with you about it. Tell her not to pull any punches because I'm assuming that alot of talking isn't happening, you guys seem to just argue about nothing and probably don't talk much after that.

Don't turn this into a "you don't do this, so I won't do that, and I do this because you make me mad" type of discussion, you will get nowhere fast.

Make it clear that you don't want this to turn into an argument, maybe even set a time limit so that after 10min. you stop talking about it.

If you can discuss this maturely without an argument, and you find you both feel a little better after getting some things off your chest. Do something nice & spontaneous and it doesn't have to be big either, take her out for a drive and maybe some ice cream or coffee & dessert in the evening - you may find some late night carbs add a few smiles to your faces and gives you the opportunity to talk about things and enjoy each others company - you might find you actually like to do things spontaneously. Yes you mentioned take out but that seems like a bit of a routine already, do something out of the ordinary.

[PerDev]

Originally Posted by Kristina

I wouldn't want to talk either if everything we talked about was how my lifestyle needed to change. She is entitled to have the lifestyle she wants, you can ask her to lean toward a compromise, but insisting she change completely towards the lifestyle you envision with no compromise on your part either is not going to work.

You got married with some serious expectations. You expected your married lifestyle to be a certain way, and you failed to discuss this together and agree before you got married.

Here's some concrete steps I would take:

1. Accept that she can live her lifestyle, back off, and strive to live mine. So in your instance, I would cook my food on weekends for the week, and let her continue to get take out. I would get home and do what I like (exercise, getting outside... obviously not tv!). Finally I would dress appropriately for work (whereas you think she doesn't)
This action is not going to result in a marriage it's going to result in living like roomates...

2. While I strive to enjoy my lifestyle as I wanted it. I would seriously do some thinking about how I expected this marriage to work. What sort of life did I envision together? What concrete things did I want?
Was eating supper together every night important? Something else?

3. Check in a few weeks with her, ask her what her expectations of marriage were... because it's obvious you had different assumptions of what your married life together would be like. Those expectations are ones we often don't know we had until we're married... so dealing with them is difficult.

Good luck,

Somebody called me Marriage is like mid night phone call
First it rings and then you wake up ..


Its better for you to try to communicate with her and also ask about what is her expectation and then decide..