Can't stop obsessing over a girl

[brendannz]

Oh yep, if anyone can tell me how to stop obsessing that'd be cool.

She's touched my arm twice, facial stuble once, hair once, and we held hands once while singing Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer" (drunk) I make her laugh, and make her smile sometimes..

The only problem is that I'm too nervous to talk to her unless I'm drunk and will get tongue tied and blush etc. if I'm sober. Mind you, I live in London, so going to the pub for a drink is the norm.

As well I can't seem to get her out of my mind, I wanna stop obsessing, so I won't be so anxious around her, but haven't been successful in doing so. As well, I'm 26 years old, (she's almost 21) and I'm thinking like a 16 year old..

Some other girls in my social group think that any kind of relationship with me would be a really bad idea too, so I feel too outcasted to go for her.

Hopefully I'll just enjoy talking to her, and if anything evolves great news.. but yeah..

any advice to stop obsessing would be great

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by brendannz

As well I can't seem to get her out of my mind, I wanna stop obsessing, so I won't be so anxious around her, but haven't been successful in doing so.

You can't stop obsessing by thinking about not obsessing. Nor can you stop being anxious by the same method. Don't try so hard, and you'll be more successful. It's a paradox; in order to get what you want, you have to stop needing it. Right now you need her, and that is getting in the way of you getting her. It's frustrating, but that's the way things are. You have to let go of her.

[solsticefall]

Originally Posted by brendannz

I'm thinking like a 16 year old..

That's because you are thinking like a 16yo, so stop it.

I'm no expert in this department (disclaimer), but I think I've begun to understand how these situations tend to play out and, even better, how to play them to your favor.

Think of the person that you are. The good qualities that you have. How hard you've worked in your life to get where you are now (I assume the reason you're here is b/c you appreciate personal development).

Now think of your rewards for making such investments in yourself. You earned the opportunity to ask her out. You deserve whatever positive attributes of her character that she can offer you. So, "take" what you deserve (obviously, not in an aggressive way). Make eyes with her and pay her a huge complement (e.g. about how gorgeous her eyes are) and then watch her get all antsy and squirmy while you hold your smile and keep your cool. Now, enjoy the situation as you watch *her* start to act like a 16yo (or repeat until she does) while you be the strong, calm, and independent man that you are. You see, in this kind of situation you're in control of your emotions instead of letting your emotions control you.

If you let your attraction to her bring you to your knees in worship over her, then she wont respect you. She's gotta want *and respect* you as much as you want her. Otherwise, she may date you a few times but she'll yearn for somebody who makes her feel antsy and squirmy in excitement and anticipation - which, my friend, are the secret ingredients to women's sexual arousal.

[ideagasms]

I suspect that your 'obsession' actually stems from desperation. Since this woman has given you a certain amount of attention, you don't want to lose her. Deep down you feel very inadequate, and so this obsession is an attempt to put a band-aid on a chronic problem. Even if you do get this girl, you are likely to screw it up anyway.

Consider this:

The only problem is that I'm too nervous to talk to her unless I'm drunk and will get tongue tied and blush etc. if I'm sober.

Shyness actually stems from narcissism. It is the desire to maintain one's narcissistic (and therefore inflated) self-image. deep down, "rejection" will threaten your self-image, causing you to ask yourself some very pertinent question you would rather not face. (e.g., "am I attractive?")

(Deep down there is a lot of shame in you, and shame is the ego basically telling God, "You f*cked up, I'm inadequate, worthless, unloveable, etc.)

The cure?

Simple HUMILITY.

So, you suck with women. So do most men. It's not about "you", it's mostly about your skill levels, and dependence on their approval.

My cheap advice?

Get to work immediately on letting go of shyness. When you feel you can handle yourself around women and get them attracted to you, this whole issue with getting obsessed over one girl will dissolve.

There are many ways to let go of shyness, I suggest looking into all of them, and seeing what works best for you.

A few examples are:

-Replace your habit of seeking women's approval by asking yourself, "Do I even like this girl to begin with?"

-Bring your consciousness out of your head, and out of your crotch. Shyness also equals "thinking with your ding-dong". You know.. first you see a hot girl, then you feel sexual desire, then you start entertaining romantic fantasies in your head, then you start wondering how you might possibly trick her into loving you back. It's not healthy. When you're with a girl, the trick is to be PRESENT ("in the now"). NOT in your head trying to figure out how to mind-control her into wanting you)

-Bring your consciousness into the HEART. Don't 'fall in love' unless a woman seriously meets your criteria. And your criteria needs to be MUCH MORE than just, "She's hot, I want her". When I meet girls, I have a checklist in my heart. You know, "She has to be honest, she has to find me funny, she has to be bisexual..." Since I would honestly and congruently walk away from a playboy bunny that is clearly non-integrous, I'm true to my HEART. You, on the other hand, are true to your ego & crotch. Hence the shyness issues. Shyness is another word for SHALLOW, dear one. Sorry to break it to you man

-Consider this: At the core of all human fears is the fear-of-death. Surrender the fear-of-death (life merely changes form anyway) and all sub-fears dissolve.


Blissings,
Stephane

[lasti]

Come on, don't you even want to try it? If you don't try it you will once find yourself in this situation again with another woman.

This is your chance.

I tell you that stopping such feelings by will is (almost?) impossible. At least I have never managed that.

[wolfgang]

a for sure way to stop obsessing is to approach her and ask her out.

don't worry about getting tongue tied and blushing. that can be something that she may like - that she has that effect on you. and if you can "come as you are" you will be authentic and open.

[IFeelGood]

From a woman's perspective, stop obsessing, be yourself...confident, not cocky. Shy is ok but we need to know you are there! Also, stop analyzing and following internet "formulas." Women are mostly intuitive, we can smell anything fake, scripted, planned or contrived a mile away.

[brendannz]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I appreciate everyones time, especially 'ideagasms' Even though it wasn't particularly flattering, I found it really helpful.

I guess I posted this message, because I think my way of thinking of it is immature, and unhealthy, so needa change myself from within. more than a "how do I get the girl" message..

As well, with what ideagasms said about having a criteria; she's not that amazing really. Just pretty, nice, fun and sounds intelligent when speaking. So pretty cool, but not a superhuman really, worth obsessing over.

Should I really have a big check list though? if I do indeed suck with women..

I dunno, I think everything seems unhealthy so maybe I should get rid of any thoughts about outcome, and just let go.. and try and be in the moment, rather than in my head.

But the biggest problem is I have physical anxiety, semi-trembling.. If i could just be in the moment and not worry, that'd be best, if it's possible

[JSB]

Originally Posted by brendannz

But the biggest problem is I have physical anxiety, semi-trembling.. If i could just be in the moment and not worry, that'd be best, if it's possible

You may want to address this issue separately from your thoughts/feelings about interacting with women. Sure, they're both related, but once you get your emotions and thoughts where you want them to be, your body may still be conditioned to react with anxiety, so I recommend focusing on your body as well.

Your nervous system is overvigilant and treating this as a life or death event, sending you into a high-adrenaline "fight or flight" response. If you can reduce the intensity and duration of this response, it will be easier to work through it.

I recommend anything involving deep, slow breathing and focus on the body: body-based meditations, tai-chi, many types of qigong, some of the slower, less dynamic forms of yoga. It may take awhile to change things, but if this is a long term issue, you might as well put in the time.

For quicker results, many people respond really well to EFT; it's free and easy to learn. The website advertises "one minute wonder" miracle cures from EFT; this does happen to people, but shouldn't be expected as the norm. Practicioners state that most people and most issues will respond positively, even if it's not an instant fix. (EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else)

Whatever you choose, good luck!

[Spartan]

Why are you obsessing over her? Do you really like her? Do you actually know her? Since you are unable to talk to her sober, I doubt that you can know each other that well!

Perhaps you're just desperate for some affection from the opposite sex, and have fallen in love with the first girl that touched your arm more than once!? "She's touched my arm twice," see how ridiculous this sounds?

I would reject that shyness is created out of "narcissism" or being "shallow" as someone else said. That is grossly ignorant. Shyness is just a lack of social confidence, which isn't a bad thing necessarily. Not everyone can be the dominant figure. I would suggest just accepting your shyness. If she likes you then she won't care, since I suspect she already knows what kind of person you are. Perhaps she doesn't like brash personalites?

[jaamkie]

shy guys are particularly wonderful up to a point- that point being when you give them all the encouragement you can and they're still all closed up and skeptical/unconfident- rarely opening up and being super-respectful and unassuming is very nice, never opening up to a woman makes her doubt your relationship.....

I think shy guys, because they listen/notice more and have less assumptions, actually tend to be better at reading women and understanding situations; its just that for all the brash guy fails most of the time, sometimes his clueless approaches to women happen to work out- while for the shy guy he may be right "yes she likes me this is it!" but if he doubts too much that it could work out, or if he overinvests in being right and doesnt want to take a chance, he'll end up never finding a girl. I don't think you have to turn into the obnoxious arrogant guy who approaches every woman without stopping to listen for any interest from her, but you do have to push yourself to give it a try when you feel there is a chance...

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Spartan

Why are you obsessing over her? Do you really like her? Do you actually know her? Since you are unable to talk to her sober, I doubt that you can know each other that well!

Perhaps you're just desperate for some affection from the opposite sex, and have fallen in love with the first girl that touched your arm more than once!? "She's touched my arm twice," see how ridiculous this sounds?

I would reject that shyness is created out of "narcissism" or being "shallow" as someone else said. That is grossly ignorant. Shyness is just a lack of social confidence, which isn't a bad thing necessarily. Not everyone can be the dominant figure. I would suggest just accepting your shyness. If she likes you then she won't care, since I suspect she already knows what kind of person you are. Perhaps she doesn't like brash personalites?

Yep,

No I don't know her that well, just she's generally pleasant, fun etc. I think I've started to get over this infatuation, and realising there's no point in obsessing. I've talked to her sober, and generally have 1 or 2 drinks around when I meet her

The real problem is I have physical social anxiety, as in shakiness, which seems unhealthy and not everyone gets this.. So the person before you (sorry forgot his username) had helpful advice about breathing meditations, yoga etc. So even if I consciously know it's no big deal, unconsciously the anxiety's there and I'm a little embarassed because it probably makes me look stupid

Yep, well I thought with shyness and narcissism, he had a point, that I shouldn't live in my own head too much and be in the moment. But I don't think I'm shy because I love myself too much. It seems just as shallow of him, to say I'm basically shallow, narcissistic and only thinking with my dick. Like, even if my thinking about this is incorrect, I posted this because I realised this, and wanted to improve. But the gist of his message was quite helpful..

Thanks for your response and everyone elses

[Plato]

Sounds like neediness to me, Let Dr Plato soothe your woes Brendanz... So, first of all you wanna get rid of your neediness and then you can start feeling proper loving connections, which can only exist as a result of, that's right, connecting with people on a deep level. There's NO WAY you could feel obsession for someone you haven't got lovey dovey with except out of neediness.

SO to get it out of your system the best remedy is having sex with as many women as possible, until you realise the shallowness and unenjoyable nature of attraction to somebody you don't know well. After this you won't be able to feel that kind of obsession for any woman until there is MUTUAL attraction, and the nature of the obsession will be love rather than desperation.

From one who has sufffered similarly, gone through an even more horrible middle area of NUMBNESS, through to love.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Plato

SO to get it out of your system the best remedy is having sex with as many women as possible, until you realise the shallowness and unenjoyable nature of attraction to somebody you don't know well. After this you won't be able to feel that kind of obsession for any woman until there is MUTUAL attraction, and the nature of the obsession will be love rather than desperation.

So to experience love, you needa first experience and get bored of lust.. Hmm.. . Strange life this is, but I guess it makes sense it'd be the only way to be clear in your feelings.

I don't know if I can get laid though.. or if I should bother anyone.. :-( just wanna escape feeling

[Lazarus]

if only i could tell my brother to get laid as much as he can instead of thinking of my ex O_O lol