Am I sabataging my relationship?

[sheffy4]

I normally hate long posts, but here I am about to write one. Thank you if you decide to read it.
I feel like my love and passion in my relationship with my boyfriend is manic. For the past month or so, I go through phases where I feel like I love him, and I want to stay with him, and then I will start doubting the relationship and fear that we are doomed to breakup, and I am doomed to break his heart.
Lately (like the past couple of months) I’ve been seriously wondering if we should end the relationship. I don’t seem to “want” him like I used to. When he comes home from work, I’m not looking forward to seeing him, but he is an amazing person, and he loves me deeply, despite the fact that I nitpick at him and, when I’m angry (which has been often the last 8 months or so), I have said and done some hurtful things to him.
I just don’t understand how he can still love me so much and think I am the perfect girl for him. I just wish that I felt that way about him all the time. And I am putting him through hell now, because I keep going back and forth about my feelings for him.
About a month ago, I was convinced that I just wasn’t happy in the relationship and I initiated a conversation to break up. It totally crushed him. He tried to get me to think about it some more, saying that maybe I was just stressed about school (which was true, as I was studying for finals and writing essays just about every night for weeks). Then I thought about everything, and later that night I agreed to give it another shot.
After that I had a renewed hope for our relationship, but two weeks later I started feeling very doubtful and unhappy again. He has suggested that maybe we would benefit from taking a temporary “break” for a few weeks or a month, but I have been against that idea, as I’m not sure how it would solve anything. I’ve never taken a “break” from anyone before; it’s either, “We’re together” or “We’re broken up, for good.”
I just feel so wrong not being happy with him when he is such a great guy. Then I start to doubt my own feelings, wondering if maybe I am unhappy with myself, and I am projecting it onto him and sabotaging my relationship in the process. After I talk with him about my doubts (which I have done a couple times), I usually feel better, and sometimes I have hope, but the hope never seems to last. I can’t figure out if I am sabotaging a good relationship, or if I am denying my true feelings, which seem to be telling me that I am not happy with him.
Please, I’m looking forward to reading your insights.

[Flavia]

1. If you've never taken a break from anyone before, how are you so sure that a break will not help?

2. What is it specifically that you are not happy with it regarding the relationship? Are these things that can be fixed or is it something more foundational such as not being attracted to him, having different values, etc?

[sheffy4]

Originally Posted by Flavia

1. If you've never taken a break from anyone before, how are you so sure that a break will not help?

2. What is it specifically that you are not happy with it regarding the relationship? Are these things that can be fixed or is it something more foundational such as not being attracted to him, having different values, etc?

Good point on #1.
And what am I not happy with? Well, I am attracted to him, but our values and the way we see the world are different. I've talked to him about it, and he seems to kind of understand. Sometimes I can't decide whether the differences between us are worth fretting about or not.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Hey sheffy,

The problem with your relationship that causes the lose of attraction is his lack of strength and self respect. You mention that you nitpick him, say harmful things. I bet he just sits back and takes them? or even worse gives you compliments or says I love you while you are being downright mean to him?

or gives you sex even when he is exhausted?

or drops whatever he is doing for you?

He is an amazing guy and "nice" guy that just doesn't do it for you in the attraction department. He doesn't stand up for himself when you treat him badly because he fears losing you-neediness. His clinginess has caused you to pull away from him because you can't open up to someone that isn't going to be strong enough to protect you when you are being vulnerable.

Being nice to someone who isn't nice to you is a result of lack of self respect. And you being in that relationship can't respect him because how can you respect someone that doesnt respect themselves?

Don't feel bad about being mean to him. You were testing him to see if he was strong and he didn't measure up-we all do it. We test people in order to see if we can trust them, especially true in relationships.

You stay with him not because you want to but because of two things: you dont want to hurt him and you dont want to be alone again.

It's a common for people to fear being alone. As a result they stick it out with partners that they are incompatible with so they dont have to face fear- you know better to be with someone and hating life than to be with no one.

You fear hurting him, thats why you have played tag with the relationship. You are starting to see how much staying with the wrong person hurts the BOTH of you.

The only reason people break up because they are incompatible. I'm gonna take another guess (might be wrong) and say that he isn't into the same stuff you are like being on this forum and improving yourself. If this is true you are just on two different wave lengths.

You owe it to yourself and him to find people who you are more compatible with.

Hope that helps

[ideagasms]

I will start doubting the relationship and fear that we are doomed to breakup, and I am doomed to break his heart.

Right away when I saw this I stopped reading.

This guy probably fits the 'nice guy with no balls' bill. Like most men today, in the post-feminist society.

Sexual Polarity. Learn this at all costs. Make sure he learns it as well. Massive humility required.

I gotta run, my kitten is purring and the cuteness is too overwhelming.

Stephane

[Ceros]

Originally Posted by ideagasms

I will start doubting the relationship and fear that we are doomed to breakup, and I am doomed to break his heart.

Right away when I saw this I stopped reading.

This guy probably fits the 'nice guy with no balls' bill. Like most men today, in the post-feminist society.

Sexual Polarity. Learn this at all costs. Make sure he learns it as well. Massive humility required.

I gotta run, my kitten is purring and the cuteness is too overwhelming.

Stephane

This was an interesting post to me. Can anyone clarify what it means to be a "nice guy" on a deeper level? And why is it such a big turn off for women?

[JSB]

Originally Posted by Ceros

This was an interesting post to me. Can anyone clarify what it means to be a "nice guy" on a deeper level? And why is it such a big turn off for women?

I think the "nice guy" behavior is often harshly judged (especially with the rise of the PUA community); many women do want a kind, decent guy. What I think they don't want is a guy who is so "nice" that he is a complete pushover and will sacrifice his own needs, identity and convictions for the sake of "making" someone else like him.

I tend to be a "nice guy"; it's who I am naturally, but I do it because I genuinely believe the world is a more pleasant place when people have some respect for one another and try and help each other out a bit, and I appreciate this type of behavior from others. You don't need to martyr yourself to the fickle whims of others in order to be "nice".

If a woman chooses to see that as weakness or "appeasement", it's a good sign that she doesn't understand me and we probably aren't an ideal match.

Best wishes and good luck to her; there is someone else out there who is a better match for her, just as there is someone else out there who is a better match for me.

[Alexjstrandberg]

This is from a blog I am working on:

There's a difference between a nice guy and a man who has good qualities. The "nice" guy is the majority of guys who are very MANIPULATIVE. Manipulation is lying and coercing people into getting what you want because you feel like they wouldn’t give it to you if you were honest.

“nice” guys really aren’t that nice and are in fact manipulators. They do things for others based on their desire to get something from someone, whether it be attention, love, respect, whatever. Their “niceness” always comes with a hidden agenda-they want something.

They let people walk all over them, do constant favors and put aside their priorities for others because they fear being alone or fear losing the attention they get from being "nice".

"nice" guys are some of the angriest and judgmental people you will ever meet but you can't see it because all of this goes on inside of them. Their anger, resentment, judgments are internal. They are actually angry at themselves for their own neediness and being a human doormat.

They hate the fact that if they started to stand up for themselves they would lose almost all of their "friends." They know on some level that their "friends" only like them because of what they do for them, NOT who they are.

"nice" guys are liars as well. They will almost never speak their truth about how they feel or how they feel about someone because they fear losing that person-they aren't as nice as you think.

It doesn't mean that you need to be an ******* to people in order to get them to like you. Attractive qualities like courage, integrity, honesty, a spine, strength etc. are all the qualities a "nice" guy lacks and a real man possesses. You can give and be a respectful person and still get women attracted but not by being "nice"

[ilovetoday]

Originally Posted by Ceros

This was an interesting post to me. Can anyone clarify what it means to be a "nice guy" on a deeper level? And why is it such a big turn off for women?

I understand this,

some guys are sweet and almost feminine in ways where theyre in touch with their feelings and a little emotional. "nice guy"

other guys are a little more chauvanistic, they treat girls like they are bedsheets, do what they want when they want with no consideration for their partners feelings. sometimes its almost as if they do hurtful things on purpose. "bad boy"

out of the girls i know half go for the bad boy he has an attraction of the man that is strong and looks after you physically, treats you like dirt and you can than play maiden in distress and your friends say ooh you deserve so much better than him

the other girls like the nice guys that bring them gifts and treat them nice and cry and with a little coaxing actualy talk about their feelings with you. The attraction is a sensitive almost g/f best friend for a boyfriend

both work on different girls. normally a girl will attract to one type i have noticed out of all the girls i have hung out with

[Mr_A]

HEY HEY

Sheffy you are not sabotaging your relationship
Its all about femineity and masculinity
All people are femineity and masculinity, everyone needs both femineity and masculinity traits to operate as a normal person, but everyone has a core which is either femineity or masculinity which is your nature.
Another thing gender does not determine if your core femineity or masculinity, but nature does dictate that there are more core feminie woman and more core masculine men

Masculinity Traits
-Protecting
-Conquering
-Breaking through
-Deciding
-Controlling
-Logical/Calculated
-A Mountain

Femineity Traits
-Feeling
-Connecting
-Expressing
-Flow
-Playfulness
-Radiating
-Wild
-Out of control
-Intuitive
-Crazy sexy
-Testing
-Dreaming
-A Storm

Now Sheffy your man is not passing your tests. What I read from your post is that he does love you and you love him but you’re not attracted to him, and that’s due to feminie and masculine polarity issues in the relationship. Most relationships do not fail due to lack of love they fail due to lack of polarity.
Right now he is not strong enough as a man for you to feel cared for as a woman.
When you get angry he either meets your anger with anger, or he totally withdraws and gives you no opinion, or he tries to please you to the point where you disrespect him for being so weak.
Now it took me a while to figure why ‘nice guys’ get crumbs and the ‘bad boys’ get all the glory. But it’s simple.
Any behaviour from a man which enticers a woman to get into her core nature (which is usually feminie) will create attraction
Any behaviour from a man which forces a woman to get out of her nature will create disrespect.
Your man is a ‘nice guy’ to the point where he is giving up control to you, making you decide, making you take charge which forces you to go into your masculine to make a decision, and in the process you loose respect for him.
The problem is he does not know how to honour the feminie energy.
He thinks the way to love and honour the feminie energy is to please it.
The way you honour the feminie is you let the feminie feel, let the her go wild, know when the feminie gets angry she is just testing if you love her, love her so much and make her feel so taken care of she lets go of control and she will flow. The masculine needs to take charge but it is the feminine’s prerogative to test the masculine decisions

If you and your man are dedicated to saving this relationship everything I have just said above I got from the Anthony Robbins - The Ultimate Relationship Program. Buy it, don’t buy it, im not here as a sales man, one thing I know that this program has aligned me with my nature when before I was a cynical, angry, and twisted.

Sheffy your man needs to step up, he needs to start taking charge and honouring your feminie.