| |||||||
| Register | FAQ | Members List | Calendar | Search | Today's Posts | Mark Forums Read |
| Social & Relationships Social skills, dating, family life, friends, soul mates, marriage, parenting, children, education, networking |
|
Welcome to the Personal Development for Smart People Forums, the place for lively, intelligent discussion of all personal growth issues -- physical, mental, financial, social, emotional, spiritual, and more. You're currently viewing as a guest, which gives you limited read-only access. By joining our free community, you'll be able to post your own messages, access many members-only features, see the new messages posted since your last visit, and of course remove this header message. Registration is fast, simple, and free, so please join today. If you arrived here from a search engine, you may want to explore the main site first, which includes hundreds of deep and insightful articles on a variety of personal development topics. |
 |
| | Thread Tools | Display Modes |
06-03-2008, 08:00 AM
| |||
| |||
 Intimacy with a friend? thoughts! (note to mods, as I am new to this forum I am unsure what is appropriate topic and what is not. If this is in anyway inappropriate please pm me and let me know, I am just trying to seek advice) Hello, I am new to this forum and really wanted to get some advice. I am in a situation where I just do no know what to do. I have been really close friends with a girl, Jaz, for quite a few years. She is a real "good girl" and is really cute! She has a heap of guys after her but as actually never dated! (which amazes me) A couple of years ago when she was 16, she asked me: if by the time she turned 18 she hadn't had sex would I do it with her, because I am the only guy she really trusts! So we kinda agreed on it (I have always thought she is gorgeous, so just thought yeh, why not) Now she has just turned 18 and this actually came up the other day! Now, her and I have never been anyhting more than friends, never kissed, nothing! She feels that at 18 she is ready to have sex and yeh, she asked me the other day and gave me a week to think about it! Now we are heaps close and I don't think it would be weird or anything, but I'm not sure how this would affect the friendship! I just want some opinions as to if this would make things worse, or if it could actually bring us closer! We have both acknolwdged that neither of us have romantic feelings for each other and she made this very clear to me, which I also completely feel the same way. However we are both "attracted" to each other physically! I really want to say yes, and I know she really wants me to as well, but yeh I am unsure of the consequences and wanted to know if anyone has been in a similar position before. I myself am 21. Are there any young people that can relate to this, or even anyone of any age that feels they might be able to offer some useful advice? Thanks      |
|
06-03-2008, 08:27 AM
| |||
| |||
| This shouldn't be a problem. But it's all up to the two of you. It's definitely good for her to do it with someone she can trust the first time. I've never been in this situation exactly. But I've become friends with a girl I had sex with, we got to know each other during a three day festival and I've only met her in real life once since then, but we talk over IM. So I know it's possible to just have sex with a friend. I think the big risk if is one of you develop romantic feelings and the other doesn't want that kind of relationship. But this will only be a problem if the lovesick one doesn't know how to let it be. And this is a problem with or without sex anyway so I don't think sexual activities mean much.
__________________ "We're here for a good time, we're not here for a long time." - Colin Mcrae “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” - Jiddu Krishnamurti |
|
06-03-2008, 01:09 PM
| |||
| |||
| One of my best friends in high school was in the same situation. He ended up with a "friends with benefits" situation. I also had many friends in college who decided to have sex with "friends"... The only time that it did not end well was when one developed much deeper feelings, and the other wanted to remain friends. |
|
06-03-2008, 01:46 PM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
 That said and since you asked for opinions, to me "friends with benefits" is second best, and in a scrumptious universe I see no reason settling for that. And apart from that I absolutely don't think it's essential and a must to have sex at the age of 18, which seems to be the main argument for friends with benefits in this case. |
|
06-03-2008, 02:04 PM
| |||
| |||
| Maybe it's personality, maybe it's something else... I've been in the same situation a few times, though it's been more spontaneous than planned out. These were girls between 20-26 that hadn't had sex yet, were "good girls", cute as ever, and afraid of the whole sex thing. It was an unknown they didn't want to face and wanted it to be a good experience, so they chose to do it with someone they knew and trusted. A friend. Some of these girls I had relationships with, some I didn't. Some are married now and I still get special attention every time I'm around them. It's very meaningful to them, and if they're asking you, do it. Besides, you may get recommended to some of their friends too.  Quote:
__________________ --There's nowhere to go, nothing to do. My blog which I haven't updated in a long time. |
|
06-03-2008, 02:58 PM
| |||
| |||
| If she was scared of sex, I really doubt you would be able to relieve her fears (enough for them to not come back). After all, it's her fear, not yours. You can offer support, but it's her job to overcome it. And what good are those testimonials anyway? Planning to become a sex teacher? I would say, if she hasn't found a guy she loves by the time she's 18, keep looking. It's not as if she has to reach some checkpoint by a certain time. PS: If you didn't do it already, I'd definitely not use her real name in that post. |
|
06-03-2008, 03:16 PM
| |||
| |||
| Sex is better when there is love and romance. A first time with a friend is going to set up emptiness in her. She will forever think sex is just sex and not more, when it is more - meaning sex is the physical part of making love. Go for making love. imho... Tell her you want to fall in love first. What about you, have you had sex? |
|
06-05-2008, 01:57 PM
| |||
| |||
| Ok, I have an update! I had a deep chat with her and she said it was something she really wanted to do, and to be honest it was something I really wanted to do as well. She said she is so sick of other guys and guy friends wanting to try to "hook up" with her and that I'm the only one who really cares about her and appreciates her for who she is! So she said all she wanted for her birthday present was for me to take her out for dinner and get a nice hotel room in the city! It was a strange feeling because we have been best friends for so long, and never even kissed before. Both of us were just so excited about it in the end, and surprisingly it wasn't even weird being naked around each other. (she is even hotter than I imagined) It was a lot of fun and I was surprised that she didn't even feel any pain (she actually had an orgasm). So in summary, yeh , it was an amazing night. Spent the night there and it seems to have brought us even closer than before. I think for both of us it was one of the best nights of fun ever. So far, so good by the looks of it. |
|
06-06-2008, 09:35 PM
| |||
| |||
 How intimate are you guys in other aspects of your friendship? How well do you understand each other and what's your comfort level? I think that if you feel that you are on the same page in other areas and are comfortable with each other on a deeper level, then this may have good consequences only. |
|
06-18-2008, 01:36 PM
| |||
| |||
| well it's been interesting! basically after that first time which was amazing I was curious to see the reaction. We were hanging out a couple of days later and a bit bored and we both knew we wanted to do it again, a bit of tension, but then I asked her about it and she agreed. Basically since then we have been having sex, she has stayed over a few nights (we were so close that she used to actually sleep over before we started having sex, even in the same bed). She really enjoys it (as do I of course) and it seems like we are even closer now, with no intentions of taking it further. We've both spoken about boundaries. |
|
06-18-2008, 02:03 PM
| |||
| |||
| Careful! I'm not sure how it is with men, but I think with women, the more you have sex with the same person, the more emotionally attached you get. But of course, I know not everyone has the same reactions. Just in my experience, this is what has happened. I think if this starts to happen, and you both don't want a romantic relationship, you might need to "take a break." But so far, it sounds nice! |
|
06-18-2008, 03:17 PM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
I think that considering this girl is in her first sexual relationship, it would be very easy for her to confuse it with love, or to fall in love and want more. If the OP isn't ready for or desirous of a committed relationship, it might be best to rethink continuing to sleep with her. It could possibly wreck the friendship. |
|
06-18-2008, 03:35 PM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
But my experience has been that my feelings deepen for whomever I'm having sex with. It sounds like you're both fairly aware, honest people -- just make sure to *keep* talking about it, and being honest, and putting out radar for if she might be faking her non-attachment. Sounds like a perfect arrangement! |
|
06-19-2008, 05:07 AM
| |||
| |||
| I guess one of the main points to consider is that even before we started having sex, we were super close! Like I said in an earlier post we even used to sleep in the same bed when she stayed over and even cuddle up when it was cold. So I guess we have experienced that sort of closeness and remained only friends. We have also been very close in a lot of other aspects, so I guess it isn't just two friends going from being friends to having sex, but two people who are very close anyway. I'm sure there are still implications but I just feel that for a guy and girl to be so close and remain as just friends, would mean that sex is a bit safer for us than two people who aren't as close. I think we both see it as just having a bit of fun. We still catch up a lot without having sex, the friendship hasn't changed much. Just that some nights if we are bored, instead of watcing a video or something we will just do that. I don't think either of us see it as any more than a bit of (or a lot of) fun! |
|
06-20-2008, 04:36 AM
| |||
| |||
| I'm just wondering, now---how will she feel if you start sleeping with another girl? If she starts acting jealous or resentful, then I'd say she might be romantically attached. Have you two talked about what you'll do if one of you starts seriously seeing someone else? Will the friendship survive? Will you two continue sleeping together? And do you think the new person would be willing to let your "close encounters" continue? Do you see this sexual relationship with her continuing for a while? I guess I'm just asking because if it continues much longer, I think it's going to start meaning something more than just "fun." I don't know many girls who can just have fun in this situation past a couple times. A few I know said it was just fun and then deep down were hoping the guy would fall in love and stick around. I think if you know of another girl you are interested in seeing, you might want to bring this up with your friend to see what kind of reaction you get. It would reveal a lot to you, I think. |
|
07-04-2008, 07:00 AM
| |||
| |||
| Things have still been going well between us. I asked her what she thought about things and if we were able to have sex with someone else or is this exclusive. She laughed at it a bit and said its definately not exclusive and I can sleep with whoever I want. She said it has been really fun so far and thats how she wants it to stay. She says she has no intentions of sleeping with anyone else, but not only am I free too but she would expect me to if I met a girl I wanted to do it with. Interesting. She said she has made a choice not to sleep around but my sex life isn't a concern to her. |
|
07-07-2008, 01:17 PM
| |||
| |||
| That is because she is content. Women aren't programed the same way that men are. She is not interested in sleeping around because she has everything that she needs at the moment without all of the complications of a "real relationship." She doesn't have to stroke some guy's ego, or listen to him drone on about stuff that she doesn't care about, or try to plan/schedule time to spend with him, or ... She can do what she wants when she wants, knowing that she can come back to you whenever. Perfect situation for an "independent woman", actually. |
|
07-07-2008, 01:50 PM
| |||
| |||
| Be careful, be very, very careful! My past relationships suggest that a lot of women that say they are happy with you seeing other people are not really happy with you seeing other people. If you really like this girl just stay chilled, casual but ultimately loyal. Not that I am really one to talk, I have my own drama going on in this area at the moment. |
|
07-08-2008, 11:31 AM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
Never again. |
|
07-10-2008, 03:52 AM
| |||
| |||
 I know i am quite late on this thread, but i have noticed something that im SURE you MUST know!! she wants you dude. as more than a friend. In fact, i think she has been wanting you for a long time. Girls get tight with guys as friends, but not THAT tight. To be sleeping in the same bed, she had to have wanted something more. She even TOLD YOU, you are the only one who appreciates her. Thats girl-talk for "i want to be in a long term relationship with YOU". You DEFINITELY have all the signs, now its up to you to take it where you want with it. Most guys want to get OUT of the friend-zone, not stay IN! Do what your heart tells you, but beware my friend. A woman who is in as deep of emotional interest in someone as you will be catch harder feelings just by having sex. I have met a few girls and had 'friendly' sex with them. They only developed feelings and started treating my like a husband after it started getting routine. You are the man, make your choice with logic and confidence. Congrats btw, i love to hear it when guys enjoy themselves with a gorgeous lady. I enjoy it 10x more when he has 'triumphed' over the friend zone.  |