Minor Jealousy in All Sorts of Relationships

[pumpkin]

Hi Everyone

My question or point of discussion is concerned with jealousy in relationships. Let me tell you my story:
When I was younger I noticeably had one best friend with whom I spent all my time with. I wasn't an outsider with the other kids at school, but I primarily spent my time hanging out with this one girl in grade school. In grade 3 she became friends with a new girl and I was very jealous of her (I'm not even sure if that's the proper way to say it - I wasn't jealous of anyone, really - I just was very possessive of the time I had with her.. I think that's more correct to say).
I was also jealous (in that sort of way) with other friends I had throughout my elementary school years and my high school years. I didn't show it that much (I did show it a lot in grade 3 with this best friend girl - we had a big falling out).
But, it stung.

Somehow (I'm not really sure how exactly) I became aware of this being a problem and have become less possessive with my friends' time. In fact, I no longer or very very rarely feel any sort of 'string' when they go out with someone else. I can't remember the last time I felt like that. It took me about a year or so to get to this point. I think, to clarify, that I mostly noticed the phenomenon, understood its negative impact on me and my relationships, and consciously tried to stop.

I'm wondering now about romantic relationship and the 'string' that partners feel when their SO goes out with someone else. I'm not talking about jealousy of other girls (or guys - people of the gender that your SO is interested in). That's a whole different ball game, as far as I can see. I'm wondering how I may give my SO his space. From writing this, it appears that the solution is the same as I've used previously - acknowledge this and stop it from happening. It just seems that it's more difficult and less structured than before - I have a greater vested interest in the relationship and generally spend more time with my SO than any other friend (but not all friends combined).

In any case, I'm looking for some comments and feedback about this.

Edited Later:
I'd also like to mention that with this particular SO I was friends with before we started dating. And things were really cool and relaxed when we were friends. We helped each other out and I was completely okay when he had his own life without me. But a few months into the relationship (I don't really remember when exactly) I started acting this way more and more. It's pretty destructive both to my emotional being and the relationship (I'm not really looking for advice on the relationship necessarily in this post, as there are more issues to be unrevealed before the big picture appears and can be talked about).

[ideagasms]

Originally Posted by pumpkin

Hi Everyone

My question or point of discussion is concerned with jealousy in relationships. Let me tell you my story:
When I was younger I noticeably had one best friend with whom I spent all my time with. I wasn't an outsider with the other kids at school, but I primarily spent my time hanging out with this one girl in grade school. In grade 3 she became friends with a new girl and I was very jealous of her (I'm not even sure if that's the proper way to say it - I wasn't jealous of anyone, really - I just was very possessive of the time I had with her.. I think that's more correct to say).
I was also jealous (in that sort of way) with other friends I had throughout my elementary school years and my high school years. I didn't show it that much (I did show it a lot in grade 3 with this best friend girl - we had a big falling out).
But, it stung.

Personally, jealousy is no longer something I would allow myself to engage in. BTW, HUMILITY is the cure. In the above case (you were too young, so how could you have solved it then), rather than indulging in jealousy, your time would have been better spent learning everything you can about the "new threat person".

How is this person more fun to be around, a better friend, a better listener, a better storyteller? Is this person someone I can learn from?

HUMILITY, rather than petty attempts to preserve an inflated and false self-image.



I'm wondering now about romantic relationship and the 'string' that partners feel when their SO goes out with someone else. I'm not talking about jealousy of other girls (or guys - people of the gender that your SO is interested in). That's a whole different ball game, as far as I can see. I'm wondering how I may give my SO his space. From writing this, it appears that the solution is the same as I've used previously - acknowledge this and stop it from happening. It just seems that it's more difficult and less structured than before - I have a greater vested interest in the relationship and generally spend more time with my SO than any other friend (but not all friends combined).

First of all, this SO has to be a VERY solid and integrous guy, who doesn't "leak sexual energy" outside the relationship, and doesn't give his power away to others. If you feel that he's easily manipulatable (is that even a word?), how could you trust him to begin with?

This context also raises the question, "Is my lover satisfied on all possible levels in our relationship?" Of course in most cases it's a big fat NO. So your feelings of inadequacy now come into play, and must also be handled.

Note that women seem to be heavily programmed to depend on men (think: cavewoman pregant with 3rd child), and therefore are usually very jealous.

At the core of your jealousy is the fear-of-abandonment, and below that is the fear of death (survival). Let go of fear of death, and there will be nothing underneath that.

That can take a while. A useful "quick fix" for handling my own jealousy was when I started telling women, "You owe it to yourself to find the best possible mate you can find. If I come short of that, and you find someone "better" or more compatible, do us all a favor and just go be with him. I can handle it, and I don't want to own you. Can you also do me a favor, if you do happen to meet such an incredible man, bring him by the house sometime so I can shake his hand and proceed to learn from him."

By verbalizing something THAT HUMBLE and non-needy, guess what happens? Congnitive Dissonance kicks in!

Again, HUMILITY is usually the cure, interesting to note that this is the one aspect most people miss. They don't realize that most of their behavior and energy goes to protecting a false, over-inflated self image.



In any case, I'm looking for some comments and feedback about this.

Edited Later:
I'd also like to mention that with this particular SO I was friends with before we started dating. And things were really cool and relaxed when we were friends. We helped each other out and I was completely okay when he had his own life without me. But a few months into the relationship (I don't really remember when exactly) I started acting this way more and more. It's pretty destructive both to my emotional being and the relationship (I'm not really looking for advice on the relationship necessarily in this post, as there are more issues to be unrevealed before the big picture appears and can be talked about).

The desire to "possess" a human being is strong, but with humility comes the realization that "others" belong to God. Surrender your friends and lovers to God.

There is, of course a lot more that I've learned about jealousy transcendence (I'm that evil Interdependent Circle guy who lives with multiple women. If anyone knows about overcoming jealousy, it is us!)

Another "quick fix" is simply, next time you feel it, ask the feeling to intensify to the point of absurdity. And keep a jealousy journal, where you write down all of your jealousy thought patterns. This will help you to un-attach, and see them for what they really are.

Blessings,
Stephane

[ideagasms]

Sorry I suck at using this forum. My comments are now in bold, for clarification (blushing)

[ilovetoday]

hey i know exactly how you feel. i have a problem with jelousy and possesiveness, although i am improving i still get the feeling often.

it started off when i had a best friend throughout primary and high school and i always got jelouse of her other friends though i tried really hard not to show it i know she knew.

I have learnt from moving around and getting new friends in new places that some friends actually are not worth your energy. Put in what you get from your friends, the one that disrespect you dont bother with put your energy into the ones that call you. When these friends dont call or are with other friends just do something you like particularly something active like a sport or hobby or even go for a walk it will improve your mood and you will learn to be happy geetting left alone for time to yourself.

for example, my current boyfriend went out sunday night with two friends and one of their girlfriends who i do not particularly agree with. I got a bit jelouse thinking thoughts like "why isnt he happy just to be with me?" "what have they got that i dont?" but then i take control of my thoughts and i choose to be happy. I think "great now i have some time to myself where i can work on my mind movie" or "great now i can put on that dvd and exercise while he cannot see me looking unco while i dance, but i can enjoy myself" or "now i have time to go visit my best mate i havent seen in a while"

sometimes i feel as though if you wait around for them they do not wait around for you but if you are actively creating a busy-happy lifestyle they start to follow you to try and get their own time. this happens with my boyfriends a lot. even though it feels so nice and comfortable just to hang out with them, sometimes just force yourself to make other plans you will improve and your jelousy should curb a bit because you will be too busy enjoying yourself instead of watching him enjoy himself.

and try to remember that he needs social variety for his own happiness you should be happy for him to be out enjoying life

i dont know if this will help you but changing my thoughts and actions really helped me with jelousy. knowing i am doing productive activities helps lift my overall mood too.