I don't want to date - is this normal?

[Eyre]

..........

[Scorpio]

The first thing I thought when I read this was, "If you don't want a relationship so much then why are you even bringing it up on a public forum?"

You then go on at some length analyzing why you don't want/can't have relationship (e.g., shyness, upbringing)

My hunch is that you do want a relationship but feel you can't have one and are trying to rationalize that fact away by telling yourself that you don't want one.

If you were to magically wake up tomorrow completely free of your shyness and emotional baggage would you still feel the same way?

[Radical]

You might find this quote helpful:

"The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live." - Leo F. Buscaglia

[Dating Specialist]

Then don't.

Wait till you're at a stage when you're ready to date, then you start dating ...

Do not stress yourself over this Eyre

Unless, you actually want to, but don't want at the same time? Like what Scorpio says ... so which is it?

[songwriter]

Well... I'm not the only one then. We're so similar we could date together... lol...

"The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live."

Sorry, but I see "dating" as the opposite of "growing" and learning.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by songwriter

Sorry, but I see "dating" as the opposite of "growing" and learning.

Why so songwriter? So does dating hamper your learning and growth?

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by Dating Specialist

Why so songwriter? So does dating hamper your learning and growth?

Yes, it does.

[MarkusL]

I think you should wait until you are interested in dating.

[Scorpio]

Eyre, if you're still reading this, you're 25 and you've never had a relationship. That's bad. It's probably bothering you. It's not something that happens to most people. If you could snap your fingers and end up in a good relationship you'd probably jump at the chance.

IMO some people are answering with feel-good, tell-you-what-you-want-to-hear, substanceless advice like 'Do whatever feels right for you','there is no normal', blah blah blah.

You should probably try to do something about your problem rather than just telling yourself everything's okay and nothing's wrong.

[daveangeles]

I'm right with you man (or ma'am) on that one.

If the original poster feels compelled to ask that question, obviously a part of you is saying 'this isn't normal, is it?'

An example from my own life. In high school I was overly shy around women -- I'd constantly act like a nervous loser around them -- even though around my friends I was just this ballsy, fairly outgoing guy.

At a certain point in college I realized this wasn't normal. Up until then, I had been telling myself the reassuring answer of 'You're just being your own person, you can't help who you truly ARE, no need to conform to somebody else's view of success, etc.'

Finally I realized that was the easy solution. So I read about relationships to the point of absurdity and began to ask women out. Things kind of snowballed, I picked up on what to do as time went on, and become really competent in this area of my life.

Point I'm making here is this: sometimes it's O.K. to realize a part of your life isn't normal. We're here to improve ourselves and learn -- and by here, I don't just mean on Steve's forum -- I mean on this planet.

Go to the bookstore, buy a few relationship books, and humbly ask one of your friends who is really good at attracting guys for some help in this area. Ask and you shall receive!

Dave

(now if only I could get the financial area of my life handled, I'd be a happy guy! )

[Andrew Brunelle]

I grew up in the foothills of Rhode Island, a very metropolitan area where the quality of potential mates was oten contaminated to say the least. Now I live in rural South Carolina and I feel the same way. I want to find someone who is like me or is a complement to me, and I have not found a real good match yet. Even eHarmony.com told me, "We're sorry, but we could not find a match for you." Unfortunately, some people aren't meant to be in numerous relationships. I'm happy, joyous, and fulfilled living without an intimate relationship. If I end up having one in the future, so be it. I just can't stand most people and how superficial they are. It's all about what product you wear in your hair or whose suit you're wearing. "Is that ARmani or Jean Paul Gutierre?"

[Lonewolf]

Sounds like you have stereotyped "most people".
If you won't even take the first steps towards forming a relationship then it is likely that evolution is weeding you out. Overcome those bad genes or the human race is going to keep progessing without you.

[Scott H Young]

If you don't want to date, don't.

But the truth is if you really didn't want to do something then you wouldn't bring it up here. If someone really didn't want to become wealthy, they wouldn't write a post about it.

Who cares what normal is and following it. But at the same time, don't live in denial. If you want something but feel you can't/shouldn't have it or dislike the means to getting it, don't deny. Denial is a lower form of consciousness then frustration.

Don't generalize either. Just as you can become rich through good or evil, dating is what you make it. It can be a shallow experience lacking growth or it can be an enriching experience. Life is what you make of it and dating is too. Good luck songwriter and Eyre, I wish you both happiness however you manage to find it.

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by songwriter

Yes, it does.

songwriter, you're not kidding right? Why would you believe that?

[Baltar]

Originally Posted by Scorpio

Eyre, if you're still reading this, you're 25 and you've never had a relationship. That's bad. It's probably bothering you. It's not something that happens to most people. If you could snap your fingers and end up in a good relationship you'd probably jump at the chance.

I think it happens to more people than you're assuming. Well, at least I'm in the same situation (also 25, no prior dating or relationships). It used to bother me more when I was younger but not so much anymore. As Steve said in one of his blog entries (and Tony Robbins says in Personal Power II), something can only bother you if you focus on it and/or think about it, and I just don't think about it much anymore. Years ago fear of rejection was my main problem, but now I'm just not sure what's expected of me. I don't really know what people my age do on a "date" and frankly I don't have many friends my age either. I haven't been able to relate to people of my age group for many years. My priorities have been pretty different.

I'm also not sure if the whole thing makes sense. The dating ritual seems like a huge waste of time that I could spend doing something else. Of course I'm just basing this on pop culture mostly since I don't have first hand experience. Would I snap my fingers to end up in a good relationship if I had the chance? Probably not because I don't think my neural net could handle such a huge change so quickly. And by the way I am aware of all the limiting beliefs I've just spit out and I'm sure I can change them to more empowering ones. But right now I have more pressing (mostly financial) issues to handle and a relationship seems like a luxury I can't afford (yeah, another limiting belief, so sue me ).

[sunshinelady]

Eyre,

You don`t have to be "normal", just be yourself. Do what you feel like doing.
Most important: Be honest to yourself and ask yourself if you really don`t want to date or if you are just think you don`t want because you have problems to do...

1. if you really don`t want to date, that is okay.
No matter what other people (friends, family etc.) tell you, it is YOUR life and you have to decide what you want and what not.

2. if you would like to datebut cannot, you should work on your Self-Esteem. Self-Esteem is the foundation for any success in life.

A good resource for doing that:
Better Self-Esteem

Anyway, however you decide you should be honest with yourself.

[Radical]

Originally Posted by Baltar

I think it happens to more people than you're assuming. Well, at least I'm in the same situation (also 25, no prior dating or relationships). It used to bother me more when I was younger but not so much anymore. As Steve said in one of his blog entries (and Tony Robbins says in Personal Power II), something can only bother you if you focus on it and/or think about it, and I just don't think about it much anymore. Years ago fear of rejection was my main problem, but now I'm just not sure what's expected of me. I don't really know what people my age do on a "date" and frankly I don't have many friends my age either. I haven't been able to relate to people of my age group for many years. My priorities have been pretty different.

I'm also not sure if the whole thing makes sense. The dating ritual seems like a huge waste of time that I could spend doing something else. Of course I'm just basing this on pop culture mostly since I don't have first hand experience. Would I snap my fingers to end up in a good relationship if I had the chance? Probably not because I don't think my neural net could handle such a huge change so quickly. And by the way I am aware of all the limiting beliefs I've just spit out and I'm sure I can change them to more empowering ones. But right now I have more pressing (mostly financial) issues to handle and a relationship seems like a luxury I can't afford (yeah, another limiting belief, so sue me ).

That's sad. I think deep down you really want someone to share your love with, but you have lost hope.

[Isis Kali]

Originally Posted by Lonewolf

Sounds like you have stereotyped "most people".
If you won't even take the first steps towards forming a relationship then it is likely that evolution is weeding you out. Overcome those bad genes or the human race is going to keep progessing without you.

That's an awful thing to say, and very hurtful. Not every happy couple even procreates. That wasn't productive. Just my two cents.

I didn't read your original posting, mostly because you seem to have edited it out. However, to anyone who just doesn't feel a pull to dating...I would say that it may pay to examine the reasons that you feel you can't give emotionally to others. If you just haven't reached an understanding of how to be vulnerable, then that is going to be a bit of a holdup. It's just this year that I've started to really know that I can date and not lose myself, and that failing at a relationship doesn't mean that I, or the world, are a failure.

[maltesedogowner]

Being normal is a silly concept invented by the lemmings of the world. Whether you date or not is your business. You are the only person qualified to decide what is right for you. If dating is not for you, then you've been spared!

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Scorpio

you're 25 and you've never had a relationship. That's bad.

It could be much worse! You could be 29 and never have had a relationship! *gasp*

Doesn't. Matter. One. Bit.

[uberinquisitive]

For me, dating means you go out with an acquaintance/near stranger, make small talk, and see if you want to go out on date #2. And so on.

I go on a lot of dates. And, they're dumb! It's a fake set-up, of two people who are "being themselves" but how can you be yourself when you're on a date? It's like being yourself when you're on a reality show.

I've been in a few relationships, and the most successful ones happened organically. I wasn't looking, they weren't looking, and some circumstance threw us together. Not a date.

I think your job is to stay open to these chance encounters. Don't force yourself to go out there and ask people out - that seems like the worst way to get into a relationship.

Now, if you just want to get laid - I suggest meeting people online.

[Andrew Brunelle]

I'm not much for dating myself. I like talking to people as friends, but I feel no urge to date anyone in particular. And I see no problem with it. Although some people may see me as antisocial, I enjoy my own company and the company of a few close friends. The key is to not care what others think, but do what is right for yourself. That may sound darkworkerish, but I mean in the sense of people judging or criticizing you. Do what feels right.

[Cran]

I do not date at the moment (I am 26 and already had a relationship, longer lasting).

In a relationship, I'd have to sacrifice a certain amount of time for my partner and accomodate his needs and wishes to a certain degree, and I am just not willing to do this. In my opinion, currently the advantages of a relationship are not higher than being single.

So I do not date, as I have no liking for ONS.

Normal? Depends if YOU feel normal with it. If not, you're having a problem.

[Stephen]

Originally Posted by Eyre

..........

This post has been edited so I cant read it.

I assume the OP is saying that they dont want to date but still want to have sex?

This is perfectly normal at a young age.

You are more concerned at satisfying your sexual appetite than intimacy I believe.

It was the same for me when I was younger. I would have humped just about anything that had a pulse.

The older you get, though, the wiser you get.

[Jamie]

I don't think there's anything written in to the 'book of life' or 'rules for living' that says you MUST date or be involved in a relationship with other people, to lead a happy, productive, balanced, or otherwise successful life. Dating isn't for everyone. We shouldn't assume that we all need to date, and that any individual who feels otherwise, is somehow in the wrong.

As for the comments about being bred out of the genepool; I think that only goes to show how enlighened some posters here can be (err, or not, as the case may be).

Follow your heart and be happy, and do what's right for you. Simple huh!

Jamie.

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by Jamie

I don't think there's anything written in to the 'book of life' or 'rules for living' that says you MUST date or be involved in a relationship with other people, to lead a happy, productive, balanced, or otherwise successful life. Dating isn't for everyone. We shouldn't assume that we all need to date, and that any individual who feels otherwise, is somehow in the wrong.

While I do agree with your post, Jamie, people do act like there is some unwritten rule that says if I cant get into a relationship or dont wanna get into a relationship, that something is wrong with you. You know how they always come out with these stupid studies that say people who are in LTRs/Marriages are happier than single people, well, I think it would be the other way around. Everyone I know like that is unhappy. To the original poster, dont listen to Scorpio or any of the others who have attacked you and said you are not normal---normal is an overrated concept. Find out if you really dont wanna date or if you are just scared of dating/relationships(like me lol) and find out how to overcome those fears.

Peace

[MartialDev]

Originally Posted by Alvin

songwriter, you're not kidding right? Why would you believe that?

WWJD?
Who Would Jesus Date?

If he is already One with The Father, then does he really need to see you next Saturday???