Please help me not let (what may be) true love slip away!

[Pseudonym]

I recently began talking to a girl who was in some of my classes in high school. I have been out of high school for 4 years now. Both her and I are in university and we both plan to be in school for a few more years. Both aspire to attain a prestigious level of education.

The thing is though, when I was in high school I was in a relationship. The relationship was falling apart but I decided I would try to make it work. But on the inside... every time I saw this girl, even for a moment, I felt euphoric. In fact, euphoria fails to describe exactly how I felt. Nobody else has ever induced a feeling of equal or greater intensity and purity in me. Ever.

I saw her not too long ago and I started to feel it again. Now that her and I talk, though, Im beginning to see that we have so much in common; we would make the perfect team in life. Our academic backgrounds perfectly compliment each others, we have similar core values, we share many life goals, and we agree that we would make some pretty awesome offspring. I do sense a certain amount of mutual attraction, however, I have been waiting so long for this that my feelings for her and already developed and well... I still need to win her over. And now she is the one in a relationship. (in which she is merely content)

It is so hard for me to pretend that when I see her I don’t see my future but I definitely can not tell her that at this point. That would just be creepy.

I understand that this is just infatuation, and that properly nurtured it could become love; which is what I genuinely pray it becomes. I also understand, however, that improperly approached I could blow this.

I am generally very confident. You can not tell me I am not capable of something; I will do it just for the sake of proving you wrong. I am not used to not being successful at whatever I set out to accomplish. Type A personality, I guess you would call it.

But I am so scared to mess this up. I have never been so intimidated by the prospect of failure in my life.

Every time I talk to her I am scared Im going to slip and let her know how I truly feel and scare her away.

How should I handle this?

If anyone has ever experienced this I implore your guidance. Especially if things have worked out well for you. But even if you have not experienced this first hand I still greatly value the advice and opinions of all unbiased third-persons. Please and thank you.

[JimOfferman]

How would you handle this if you weren't scared of failure? That is usually a pretty good indicator of what you must do to succeed.

You must act despite of your fears and be prepared to suffer the consequences - good or bad - of those actions.

[Pseudonym]

Thanks for the reply Jim,

Unfortunately, the problem is I don’t know what to do anymore. I would say the fear of failure is a direct result of not knowing what to do in the first place. That and the fact that despite a fairly impressive overall track record, I have only been in remotely similar circumstances twice in my life and in both cases the outcome was not to my liking.

By remotely similar I mean she is in a relationship in which she is unhappy where I personally believe she deserves better and would love the opportunity to be the one who makes her happy because she makes me happy. There is a connection between her and I, and from conversation I gather that if I play my card right I could “steal” her.

In the past, however, I have been driven by greed, lust, pride, and the general desire to obtain the object of my interest. Not the noblest of motivations, I admit. But never have I been able to honestly say to myself that the girl in question was everything I want, everything I need, and everything I have been looking for my entire life. So if in the past I have played my cards more loosely; now is not the time for me to perpetuate that. I have lived almost a quarter of my life so I feel it may be about time for me to find the person who I want to spend the remaining three quarters of it with.

I suppose it would be more effective if I rephrase my initial question by breaking it up into sub-dilemmas.

The Relationship
This is really a catch-22 because in order for her to be confident that shes making the right decision by leaving a (unhappy but) stable relationship she is going to need to feel the passion flowing between her and I. In the past I thought sex would accomplish this but once that happened it just became a sexual affair and that is not what I want in this case. This girl means more than that to me. Also, we both know that if she cheats on him with me there will be trust issues in the future. How then, should I go about initiating this?

Time
I can not decide whether it would be best to take my time and let things gradually progress to a point where her and I are closer to give her time to develop her feelings to the same level as mine, or whether I need to make my move before its too late. If I wait I stand the risk that we slip into each others’ “friend zone” and if I don’t I stand the risk of pushing her away by moving too fast.

Sex
The one thing I can be certain of is that there is sexual attraction. But going back to what I said, Im worried that if I seduce her in order to initiate the changeover while shes still in the relationship I will not be able to trust her in the long run and also Im worried about wasting potential by allowing it to become a sexual affair rather than blossoming into what it could potentially become. So I feel like I should avoid all sexual talk. BUT, I do not want her to think that Im not sexually interested in her because I am very much so.

[JimOfferman]

In other words, you want to bake the cake and eat it too.

You have a very simple dilemma, really: pursue the girl or not. That's your choice. Either you pursue this woman with everything you've got or you don't.

The only guaranteed way to loose is by not making this choice. You'll end up being neither lover or friend, hurting yourself and her. Not a good strategy!

Now, if you do make that decision you have to let go of the outcome. Whether you pursue her or not, whatever happens next is what you will have to accept and live with. No regrets. No turning back. Your pursuit may lead to romance or it may lead to the loss of this friendship. If you are not prepared to loose, don't play this game!

These things are high stakes. All or nothing. Winner takes it all.

If that's too hot a deal for you, don't play. Contrary to what you believe, she is not the one and only "perfect woman". Live on and you will meet other women that fit the bill. It's a world of abundance, bro... unlimited resources at your disposal! If only your mind is open

As for how you would best pursue this lady, if that is what you decide: only you can know. I, or anybody else here, could tell you what we think would work. But we are not you and we don't know her. Always do what you think is best - that's the smart thing to do!

[jaamkie]

I don't think you need to totally seduce her/have sex to avoid being "just friends"- I think you need to truly be her best friend and partner and intellectually challenge her, but also keep the attraction and sexual tension by flirting and pursuing up to a point and then backing off completely with the comment "ah but you're in a relationship"- if she's actually interested it'll grow to be incredibly frustrating for her and she'll see she has to make a choice- if you give in completely to pursuing her and act needy she'll feel that she can have you on the side and not give you her complete attention and respect... I'm sure it'll take some self-control from you, but if you want this you can handle that right?

[robc]

Originally Posted by Pseudonym

You can not tell me I am not capable of something; I will do it just for the sake of proving you wrong. I am not used to not being successful at whatever I set out to accomplish. Type A personality, I guess you would call it.

You are not capable of getting this girl.
You won't be successful with this.

Prove me wrong!

There.... it's out there, the challenge you were looking for, prove me wrong!

Women like to see confidence, they like to see leadership skills, they like to see ambition, they like a great sense of humor.

You seem insecure around her, that won't work to get her. Just being truthful about what she will be attracted to. If you really want her you have to drop this insecure crap, stop putting her on a pedestal. You have just as much value as her, in fact, she may be lucky to have someone like you but you don't see it that way. You perceive her as having so much more value than you currently have, you can't match up to her value which is why you think you'll screw up around her.

She may be beautiful on the outside but it's possible she is insecure too, is she with someone currently? There could be a reason if she is still single. Stop selling yourself short, be a man, show off your broad shoulders, stick your chest out, act confident, be confident, and stop making this so serious.

Take her out on a date, easy way to do this is to go from point A to point B in a straight line, don't waste any more time thinking about failing around her, being insecure, etc. If you really want something in life, go out & get it, that is what separates successful people from those that aren't successful. Make it happen, don't spill your heart out to her, just tell her you would like to take her out for a bite to eat, or maybe for a cup of coffee & dessert or maybe some drinks on an outdoor patio and just be comfortable talking to her, getting to know her, letting her know you, the strong, confident, attractive you - that is what women like in a man, so be a man.

No sugar coating this, this is what will work with her or any other woman you want to date and possibly form a relationship with.

Do it!

You've been challenged... now prove me wrong.