Emotional Purgatory

[solsticefall]

Sometimes you can't see the forest despite the trees - and I need some guidance to navigate through the jungle I'm in. Sorry ahead of time for the novel.

Here's the deal: I married the woman I dated in high school - having no other serious relationships beforehand. We became friends and things kinda became 'comfortable'. I can't say that I've ever felt a 'deep connection' or 'sparks/fireworks' with her (or anyone else for that matter) and was never particularly attracted to her body (I ignored/forgave the fact that she was overweight). After dating for more than 5 years, and never really arguing, I concluded that the next logical step was to get married - things were stable and secure in the relationship but something still seemed lacking but I couldn't figure out what and after more than five years of dating I felt marriage was 'the right thing to do'.

I've matured quite a bit since then and I've realized that, although she is a good, decent, caring individual - it just doesn't feel right (and it makes me so sad to say that). I care so much for her and don't want to hurt her because she's been so good to me and she's my best friend. I've found that this is a very common problem - and I'm trying to work through it emotionally. Oh, and we don't have children. In fact I realized recently that the entire time in the relationship I've been afraid of getting her pregnant, not because of the fear of parenthood, but of being 'stuck' in the relationship 'forever' (which isn't factual or rational at all).

I make significantly more than she does, so I pay most of the expenses (she pays for her own fuel, cell phone, etc [we never did couple our finances]). Anyway, so we reached a point in which we're acting like room-mates and it's all my doing (she really, really doesn't want things to end). A long while ago (~6 months) she said that she thinks she should move out for a trial separation because things aren't changing and something needs to happen. I agreed.

Now here's where it gets interesting: we both work and attend college as full-time students. She drives over an hour each direction to attend her univ., I drive 10 minutes to mine. (I would have rather gone to the one she's attending but I had to pay the bills and I had a good job and had to stay nearby). We've been attending school like this for several years and I guess I've grown apart emotionally and intellectually. Now, although she said she should move out, she's not actively pursuing it b/c she's busy with work and school. I'm not pushing the issue b/c I don't want to be that way to her and I feel guilty for doing this to her and I want to be as flexible as possible (and I've never, *ever* lived alone so I'm a bit terrified by it). Also, there's really not much time for me to deal with it b/c of my own full schedule. So week after week goes by and nothing changes. Things are 'comfortable' b/c we don't fight and generally get along quite well. Since she makes so little money (b/c she chose to drive so far to go to college several days a week and doesn't have the time to put more hours in work - which is located near home) I feel guilty that she'll have to put more of a burden on herself to pay for her own place. And the last thing I want to do is prevent her from finishing her degree.

But I feel so lonely, like there's something missing that she just can't fulfill. I feel like I'm in emotional purgatory but I keep myself too busy to think about it. I'm afraid of being single but at the same time I want to experience what it's really like to 'click' on many levels with someone (which I know will be incredibly difficult for me to find someone since I'm a very 'deep' person in the sense that I highly value intellectual conversations and it doesn't seem like there's many attractive women who earn my respect in this area).

On top of it all, I don't make friends easily - most guys I know act like they're still in high school and I choose not to be that way - and most girls I know are catty and can't think of anything but themselves which totally bores me to death. I say this because I realize it's an emotional incentive for me not to do/say anything about the situation. Other emotional forces at work are: the feeling of guilt that comes from hurting her, the fear of being alone at home, the fear that comes along with knowing that I'm shy, especially around women that I find attractive and I have *no idea* how to flirt effectively, the fear of the seemingly low probability of ever finding someone who lives up to the standards that I feel I need to be happy - which correlates with the fear of being alone, and the fear of losing my best friend.

But in the same breath, if a 'perfect' woman (I know, I know, they don't exist) for me were to cross paths with me right now, my morality would prevent me from asking for her number b/c I'm married and I couldn't live with myself knowing that I was "that kind of person". I'm sure she'd do the same thing in this situation, too, which isn't fair to her either.

Anyway, my wife and I had another 'discussion' the other day. I explained (for the third - no wait - fourth time) all of the individual components of our - no wait *my* - problems in the relationship that all sum together into the big problem: that I'm not fulfilled in the relationship and that I'm not sure things can be changed.

It ended the same way - agreeing to a separation. Near the end of the conversation we casually began to determine which stuff will stay w/ me and which will go w/ her. She said she wasn't sure where she's going to go and that she might have to move back in with her parents for a while.

But then, like the next day, she's making dinner for 'us' and doing 'our' laundry and started kissing the back of my neck and saying 'goodnight' each night as I'm halfway asleep on the bed - she acts like we never had the conversation. Still no word about moving out and she's still acting like nothing's wrong. Things just go day-by-day. I don't know what to do.

As I explore my feelings I've arrived at some interesting artifacts. Having spent so much time away from 'us' during work and school, I've learned to become more emotionally-independent. What's particularly interesting is that I noticed myself being more of a 'father figure' with her than a lover - I'm pretty sure that it's always been this way but I had started realizing it only after detaching myself from the relationship a bit. It's like we've been more of a living-arrangement partnership than one based on a kind of deep, soulful connection - perhaps she sees it as much more than that and it's just not there for me. I see her as a sweet-heart but more so of a naive, adolescent-like fashion than in a mature, independent, adult woman kind of way. Contrast this with the fact that I was forced from home and had to fend for myself since I was 17yo. I guess the bottom line is that things just don't 'click' with us and I don't really respect her the way I should respect my 'wife'.

Sometimes I wonder, if things don't work out between us, about who the next woman in my life will be - the one that does 'click' with me. What is she like? What kinds of things interest her? Does she like to go hiking, camping, or scuba diving? Does she dance? What books does she like to read? Does she like science as much as I do? What inspires her? What little quirks does she have? Does she enjoy deep, philosophical ponderings while having cocktails during dinner dates? Is she frisky and full of energy or laid-back and casual?

I suppose it's normal to wonder such things when sometimes it feels like you're stuck in a patch of quicksand. I guess I'm just feeling lonely.

Can somebody provide some insight for me? Did I settle for my first relationship because it was comfortable? If so, is it self-morally imperitive that I end it to chance a better one knowing that I'd have severed one of my very, very few social and emotional connections in the world? When does the potential benefit of finding someone more (a lot more?, slightly more?, marginally more?) 'compatible' outweigh the cost of ending a relationship with somebody that loves me so deeply?

I can tell that I'm emotionally naive and confused. I've had only one 'real' relationship that serves as my only reference point in these matters. If anyone has any wisdom or an alternate perspective to help me out of this rut, I would appreciate it.

[Holistic Star]

It sounds to me like you are expecting this relationship to fulfil you. That's not going to happen. That's not what relationships are about. And even if you did meet someone else, unless you face up to why you aren't feeling fulfilled then the next one isn't going to make much of a difference either and a couple of years down the line you will be feeling exactly the same again.

One person isn't going to fill that big hole in your life, whoever they are. Regardless of whether you decide to end your relationship you would find it helpful to to make an effort to work on your social skills and make some friends.

It's very easy for a relationship to drift especially when you are busy with work and studying. Ships passing in the night and all that.

When was the last time you purposely made time to have fun together?

[solsticefall]

Your point is well taken. There really is a deep sense of being unfulfilled in my soul. The next step is to identify exactly what is missing in myself and attempt to fix it.

But here's the issue I struggle with most: many people have broken up with a person that they love because they knew that person 'wasn't right for them'. How does somebody come to that realization? I mean, if a couple doesn't argue and are always friendly with each other, and generally nothing really 'bad' is wrong - how do people just 'know' that it won't work out? How do they refuse somebody's love - sacrifice it - with certainty that it 'just wasn't right', that 'somebody else is a better fit'? How does somebody become so, well, selfish?

I've known that I wasn't attracted to her body, but I ignored it because it was disrespectful to her as a person to acknowledge it. I've known that I can't get the intellectual stimulation from her that I crave, but I forgave her for it because not everyone is 'gifted' with high intellect and I shouldn't judge others for circumstances out of their control. The part of her that I fell in love with is the gentle, docile, light-hearted, all-around good soul that she has (I know, that *totally* sounded like I was describing a pet). Everything else was decontaminated from my mind because they were not what 'good' people think (because somehow 'good' people should get rewarded by their sacrifices). But I crave something that I can't describe very well. The best way I can describe it is that I crave 'my equal'. Somebody that contributes more to the relationship than 'just being there for me' and cooking dinner and doing laundry. Somebody that makes my stomach do flip-flops, that makes 'sparks fly', that has a 'deep connection' - a feeling I honestly don't think I've ever had.

To answer your question: I've been withdrawing myself from the relationship because of my uncertainty with it. At this point I'm not sure that I really want to keep it. I'm working through my fears of being on my own (alone) for the first time in my life - since she's been with me since high school. I'm afraid of the divorce process, of being branded as a divorcee - being second-hand, damaged goods. But I know that fear shouldn't stop me from making a 'right' decision. I just don't know at what point making the decision to leave is the 'right' one to make so that I may never second-guess myself and fall back in to an unfulfilling relationship because of guilt, fear, or any other bad-judgement-inducing emotions.

[Alison Jenkins]

It sounds like you are expecting one person to fulfil all your needs and that isn't realistic. My experience is that many people will fulfil different needs. Why does your wife have to be the one who does it all. Can't your fellow students fulfil your intellectual needs? etc

It also sounds as though you are expecting your relationship to be the way it often is in the early days. The truth is that type of love never lasts but it matures with age a bit like a bottle of red wine. All relationships change over time, but that doesn't make it bad. When did you last go on a "date night" together, watch a funny film etc Maybe you work / play balance is out of kilter at the moment

Maybe you could look at a list of your unfulfilled needs and see how you / other people can help you. Take responsibility for yourself rather than expecting your wife to play this role [saying this very kindly with a smile on my face] Have you considered having counselling to look at yourself? If you don't then perhaps you will feel the same way in the next relationship and the one after that and so on.

Alison

[Angela]

It sounds to me like you've already "left" her emotionally, and yet you remain pretending like you're still together.

Your purgatory is 100% your own making, I think you recognize that. You think you're doing her any favors by hanging around? Do you think you are behaving with integrity or love in this relationship?

There's nothing wrong with your wanting to be crazy about your mate; there's nothing wrong with you that needs to be fixed because you've come to the conclusion that this relationship is not serving you in living a life you love.

So, I recommend you take 100% responsibility and take dynamic action for the highest good of everyone concerned. You've agreed to separate, and she is dragging her feet (probably for similar reasons to your own: she's scared) -- and go get yourself your own place. You are not helping her by sticking around. Go be by yourself and get yourself ready for a real loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR).

Or, recommit to making your marriage work -- to generating love, attraction, and mutual growth.

What you're generating now must be really awful for your wife, not to mention yourself. How horrible it would be to be married to a man who is doing what you're doing, feeling and thinking the way you feel about her and the relationship, creating such a home. You love her, right? Let her go with love, so that she can get over you and then find a great LLTMBR for herself. Or remarry her.

Choose. Get off the fence, quit waffling, take dynamic action, generate inspiration.

[solsticefall]

Thank you Angela. I've read your post about 5 times over the week and you're absolutely right about letting it go. My guilty conscience and fear of divorce are the biggest emotional factors at this point. Neither of which should stop me from making the correct decision.

It's interesting that certain circumstances in life can make you so dizzyingly confused when its happening to you but the solution may be so obvious to another person because they're not stuck in the emotional tar pit with you.

I disagree, however, about getting my own place (although I may change my mind later). I think that we all should get what we earn. I've worked my butt off (working full time & attending night classes to advance my career since I was 18yo) to put myself in the position to make enough money to pay for the house and assorted stuff in it (I grew up 'poor' and so making a comfortable living was a high priority in my life). Making 'enough' money was never important to her because I paid for all expenses. She had the degree to make significantly more than she did, but she refused to do the work that paid well because she didn't want to work in a nursing home. In fact, our finances have never really been joined, except by name on the account. I make *my* money and pay *our* bills, while she makes *her* money and pays for *her* car, fuel, and food. We didn't argue about money - but I think I lost respect for her over time as a result of her being content with making so little.

We've been married for 4 1/2 years. I don't think it is unreasonable that I stay in my house. Not to mention the possible legal implications with me moving out. I've worked too hard to pay the mortgage each month to just move to my own place and pay for the mortgage and the rent too.

[Angela]

Well, if it's your house, then you were never partners during your 4.5 years of marriage.

Meanwhile, it's her home, and it sounds like she is showing no signs of moving out. Are you going to just wait her out? Or throw her out? Depending on the law in your state, she might own part of it legally anyway -- or she might get a lawyer who could effectively make that argument. Would that possibility keep you living together?

[solsticefall]

I brought it up again last night. She said she should be out of here by the end of summer.

I really don't think she wants to take my house or anything else for that matter. That might change once I tell her that we should end it instead of separate, but who knows.

On the never being partners note, I think that's probably the biggest reason why I've felt unfulfilled in this relationship. I'm not just referring to money or property - its like we've never really been a couple. Each person existed completely independently of the other aside from eating dinner together before doing late night work-from-home or homework.

God, the more I look at this relationship, the more screwed up it looks. Yet we lived this way day-after-day and somehow she was content with it. And I let my guilt, my comfort, and my moral code of being 'a good person who should receive abundant blessings for not judging her physical attraction' stop me from realizing that somebody else may be a better fit.

Now, let me dig a bit deeper and ask: Why was I willing to 'settle' for someone less ideal from the kind of person that I thought I would have married? Why did I not attempt to pursue other relationships with women that I found more congruent with my personality (someone I respected more instead of someone I 'forgave' for not being my 'equal')? Do I need to be needed? Is that why we fell into a kind of father/daughter role in the relationship? If so, what is the source of that desire and how do I move beyond it? How do I find a relationship that consists of shared interest, shared decisions, shared dreams, and shared respect instead of getting into another, similar situation? (Since this forum is about personal development and all).

[Angela]

Your relationship isn't screwed up. There's nothing wrong with you and there's nothing wrong with her. This is the perfect relationship for you, because it's the one you're in -- it's the one that has you asking the perfect questions for yourself now.

I think whatever you come up for as what you need to generate so that your life is satisfying and fulfilling, you should go ahead and start generating it as soon as possible, with your soon-to-be-ex-wife. What I mean is, whatever is the value or condition that is missing, it will help you if you can have it be present with this woman, regardless of whether or not you stay married. Do you see what I mean? Maybe that will make more sense once you distinguish what it is you want to generate.

[solsticefall]

You lost me about 'generating' something to make my life fulfilling. How do I generate something? And how do I know what to generate?

Also, after reading my last post over a few times to analyze its emotional roots, I realized that it sounds astonishingly similar to the behavior associated with the "caretaker" role of codependency - which may have developed as a result of my upbringing in a dysfunctional family. Here is an excerpt from a web page I found:

"Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited."

"Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:
-A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue.

-A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time.

-An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.

-A sense of guilt when asserting themselves.

-Fear of being abandoned or alone

-Difficulty identifying feelings

-Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change

-Problems with intimacy/boundaries

-Difficulty making decisions"


Granted this isn't a situation that involves drugs or alcoholism, but in some strange way I may have found a person that 'needed' me to coddle her, which forced me into a "father-figure" (caretaker) role that became second nature to me while I sacrificed and denied my own needs and desires.

So if this is true, how do I fix myself? I must read more about it.

Thanks Angela. You've been a great help.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by solsticefall

You lost me about 'generating' something to make my life fulfilling. How do I generate something? And how do I know what to generate?....

You know that last paragraph of questions in your last post? All the why's, all the analysis, all the how-do-I's, they are all leading you to action -- there are things that you'll see would be good to let go of as you answer those questions for yourself, and you'll see that there are qualities and conditions (values) that, if you were to generate them, they would make a difference, and most importantly, would inspire you to create a life and relationship that you are in love with.

You already know that if something is missing, you can't *get* it from the other person -- trying to do that has already led you to some serious discontent. What you can do is generate what would make a difference -- you can be the source of what you want in your life. Not only for yourself, but for the world. When you generate something like freedom, love, peace, or joy, it exists in the world not just for you, but for everyone. That's funny, huh? that you can't *get* it from others, but you can generate it for others.

So, are you even willing to look at it in this way? What is there to give up, and what is there to generate? Here's one place you can look:

Granted this isn't a situation that involves drugs or alcoholism, but in some strange way I may have found a person that 'needed' me to coddle her, which forced me into a "father-figure" (caretaker) role that became second nature to me while I sacrificed and denied my own needs and desires.

So if this is true, how do I fix myself?

There's nothing to fix. There's nothing wrong with you. You're absolutely perfect exactly as you are and exactly as you are not. It's just time to look for what inspires you and what you can do to be the source of a wonderful, loving, sexy, supportive and supported, relationship and life. It's all just feedback, and it's time to correct your course based on that feedback.

Thanks Angela. You've been a great help.

It's my very great pleasure. Thank you for your generous listening.