Being yourself or playing roles?

[metamorph]

Where does being yourself stop and where does role-playing start? Should we be "ourselves" all the time or adjust ourselves to whoever we are dealing with? Or let me ask it like this: can we truly avoid or get away with not adjusting ourselves to whoever we are dealing with?
A lot of people say we are all wearing social masks and these masks differ with who we are dealing with. I think this is true, and I used to be different around my family compared to my friends or colleagues. So all of them know a different version of metamorph. Recently, however, I am being (or trying to be) just myself outside the workplace (I still treat my boss with more respect than other colleagues...). So, I do not adjust my energy level or behaviour at all to the people around me. I am, who I am or what I feel to be at that moment. If people like it, it is fine, if they don't it is also fine.
But where does being yourself stop? E.g if someone likes my sense of humour, would it be role-playing if I was more of a joker around this person than around other people?

[Brutha]

Being yourself is about freedom.
You can constantly reinvent yourself.

[Alison Jenkins]

To me hiding behind a mask is about pretending to be someone I'm not. Whereas being me is letting people see the real me. There will be some people I will laugh with more than others but it doesn't mean I'm not being myself.

As part of my eating disorder I used to have a 100 different masks. Part of recovery was about letting go of the masks and being me

Alison

[JimOfferman]

There used to be many different versions of me. Depending on who you are, you would get to see one of those versions. Now there's only one me - much easier to maintain!

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by Alison Jenkins

To me hiding behind a mask is about pretending to be someone I'm not. Whereas being me is letting people see the real me.
Alison

But do you behave differently when you are alone compared to when you are around people? Or, are you conscious about not being alone and being in the spotlight maybe. If so, do you not unconsciously adjust your behaviour slightly?

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Being yourself is about freedom.
You can constantly reinvent yourself.

But what stimulates you to reinvent yourself constantly? I guess this is in response to your environment and you would not constantly reinvent yourself if you were stranded somewhere alone? And if it is reinventing yourself according to the envorinment, is this not the same as playing hundreds of roles constantly? And is this not a form of approval-seeking?

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

There used to be many different versions of me. Depending on who you are, you would get to see one of those versions. Now there's only one me - much easier to maintain!

So you are exactly the same no matter if you interact with a very attractive woman or just any other person (e.g. some pushy person in the queue?).

[Fullcrum]

There are different levels to look at this.

One could say that your core, your thoughtless "being", that which makes you alive, is who you really are and never changes.

Others could say that it is your intrinsic motivation that makes you who you are. For instance, if your motivation is to spread love, then your behaviors wil be different with different people but they all move towards the same place.

It's quite a good question! I'd say we need to figure out how deep down you want to go. How fundamental do you want your answer to be? There are varying levels we could answer this with, all of which are correct, at least at a certain level.

What answer are you looking for? What do you really ask this for?

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

There are different levels to look at this.

One could say that your core, your thoughtless "being", that which makes you alive, is who you really are and never changes.

Others could say that it is your intrinsic motivation that makes you who you are. For instance, if your motivation is to spread love, then your behaviors wil be different with different people but they all move towards the same place.

It's quite a good question! I'd say we need to figure out how deep down you want to go. How fundamental do you want your answer to be? There are varying levels we could answer this with, all of which are correct, at least at a certain level.

What answer are you looking for? What do you really ask this for?

I agree there are different levels.
My current idea about being myself is: that is who you are if you manage to strip yourself of all social conditioning, any social anxiety, any need for approval, ego, defensiveness etc. So, who you are completely proactively and zero reactively.

[Fullcrum]

That's a great and noble goal. Hehe.

So you want to strip yourself of all conditioning, huh? Most conditioning is good. It allows knowledge to pass on, like scientific ideas, philosophy, and even stupid false ideas. But most SC is good. I mean really, ridding yourself of all social conditioning is stupid. The opposite of SC is living in a vacuum. Instead, a better goal would be to move towards a more accurate worldview, because that's really what social conditioning is: a series of worldviews. So you find out what's accurate and what is not.

You want to strip yourself of all social anxiety? It's all in your head, just talk to people. You realize that it's all in your head, right? Like if I knocked you out and blew your brain to bits (but you didn't die), and you woke up and lost all your memories, you'd likely not have social anxiety. It's not a genetic thing (as far as I know).

All the other stuff you mentioned, approval, ego, defensiveness, it all is meant to replace the natural state of feeling really good (in the now) and having a purpose (direction). So really, again, it's in your head. If you feel really good, the need for approval, ego, and defensiveness will drop away. Like zero. ZERO! If you're soooo blissful, and you maintain that state, really, ego stuff won't matter. Again, it's all in your head, and when attention is on the body primarly, your mind will serve you. You won't be a servant to your mind any longer. And then you'll be "completely proactive."

That's the ideal. You move towards it on a daily basis, anyway.

I've taken these ideas (ie my primary, proactively chosen sources for these ideas) from RSD's blueprint, with a smattering of Eckhart Tolle, as well as many of my own ideas conceptualyl synthesized.

I hope this will increase your understanding and power. I have the feeling we're on similar paths.

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

That's a great and noble goal. Hehe.

Yes definitely (Bruce Lee-ish): a goal that is not be reached but to be aimed at

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

So you want to strip yourself of all conditioning, huh? Most conditioning is good. It allows knowledge to pass on, like scientific ideas, philosophy, and even stupid false ideas. But most SC is good. I mean really, ridding yourself of all social conditioning is stupid. The opposite of SC is living in a vacuum. Instead, a better goal would be to move towards a more accurate worldview, because that's really what social conditioning is: a series of worldviews. So you find out what's accurate and what is not.

You are right and I guess my definition was a little too vague. You definitely cannot and should not strip yourself of all social conditioning. There are certain norms I respect for myself. A very crude example would be I would not fart in front of other people. Not because I am afraid to do it or what people would think, but because I have certain standards for myself when I am among other people. There are many more subtle examples.

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

You want to strip yourself of all social anxiety? It's all in your head, just talk to people. You realize that it's all in your head, right? Like if I knocked you out and blew your brain to bits (but you didn't die), and you woke up and lost all your memories, you'd likely not have social anxiety. It's not a genetic thing (as far as I know).

True! And this is the point I want to make. I think most people do not dare to be themselves, because they are afraid of what other people think of them. They play roles because they assume with this particular role they have the best chances to maximise their approval among others. Like being a social chameleon in order to blend into the environment.

E.g. A guy who plays the big seducer among hot women, but acts completely different among other women. A guy who acts differently if he is around the pope versus the bus-boy....

Personally, I realise I am a different person now compared to 5 years ago when I did live in reaction and was actively role-playing.

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

All the other stuff you mentioned, approval, ego, defensiveness, it all is meant to replace the natural state of feeling really good (in the now) and having a purpose (direction). So really, again, it's in your head. If you feel really good, the need for approval, ego, and defensiveness will drop away. Like zero. ZERO! If you're soooo blissful, and you maintain that state, really, ego stuff won't matter. Again, it's all in your head, and when attention is on the body primarly, your mind will serve you. You won't be a servant to your mind any longer. And then you'll be "completely proactive."

That's the ideal. You move towards it on a daily basis, anyway.

Yes this is the idea(l). But do you know anyone who truly lives it?

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

I have the feeling we're on similar paths.

Great, keep me posted.

[Fullcrum]

Why do you want to know anyone who really lives the ideal? Do you want their permission to persue your dream?! Do you need their approval to go on the path YOU choose?! Go get it!

As far as actual tips to live it, try feeling really good and increasing your sense of that feeling (through breathing, visualization, etc.) for several days throughout your other activities. When you do this, you'll realize just how often you are in a negative haze. It feels like a haze (the normal consciousness), I can tell you that, when you've seen a better place and you know you can do better. So really put some attention into this area, and see what springs up. You'll likely feel closer to "unstoppable."

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by metamorph

So you are exactly the same no matter if you interact with a very attractive woman or just any other person (e.g. some pushy person in the queue?).

Yes. They all get the one me.

Strangely enough, I've never met that pushy person in the queue...

[Tigerlilly]

I've been wondering about this, not in terms of private life but in terms of my job.

In the past the one thing I always loathed about lawyers was the role playing and pretense that seemed to go along with it. I felt ridiculous having to put on a black robe when I go to court, like I was doing a stage play, and I disliked to have to put on a costume to look smart when I'd much rather be wearing jeans.

I decided not to take it the least bit serious anymore. I wear jeans, period. If my brilliance doesn't shine through the denim, too bad. When I go to court I fling myself into my black robe and pretend I was Hermione Granger.

Playing roles can be great fun if all around and you yourself know it's simply playing a role and not to be taken seriously. I guess what feels unpleasant about it a lot of times is the feeling that the people around seem to have forgotten it's just play.

[Playlife]

Originally Posted by Tigerlilly

In the past the one thing I always loathed about lawyers was the role playing and pretense that seemed to go along with it. I felt ridiculous having to put on a black robe when I go to court, like I was doing a stage play, and I disliked to have to put on a costume to look smart when I'd much rather be wearing jeans.

Didn't the judges or some other people in the courtroom even wear wigs? Like this: http://www.legaljuice.com/judge.jpg Why did the wear that? And do they still do it?

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by Playlife

Didn't the judges or some other people in the courtroom even wear wigs? Like this: http://www.legaljuice.com/judge.jpg Why did the wear that? And do they still do it?

Luckily, I think they only do or did that in England, don't ask me why, but I don't think I could keep a straight face with that white mop on my head.

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Being yourself is about freedom.
You can constantly reinvent yourself.

Now, I understand. Thanks for that! (I guess it is one of these "when the student is ready the teacher/teaching appears" moments

[say]

I find the phrase "being yourself" rather silly. I mean how can I not be myself? Can I be someone else?

If I feel like I need to play a certain role the society imposes on me then I'm still me, playing that role. I might be stressed while I'm doing it. But then that's still me, being stressed and worried about other people's opinions.

We could call the thing for what it is... like: "feeling comfortable with yourself/your role".

In the world I live in it's almost impossible to act exactly the same towards every person. You can't even speak the same language with all people. I once tried to hug a chinese friend and he wasn't expecting it/approving it... I guess it's not such a normal thing for them (for him) to do. I had to find another way to let him know I'm his friend.
The key is, then, to just get a certain message across, including the very message of "who you are" and what is your position in the world. And this might involve different activity, based on different circumstances. If you feel comfortable with whatever it is you do, you'll still look geniune, even if you'll act differently.
This, on an "egoic" level.
But then, on a "higher" level, I don't mind if someone changes his very core human values at some points in his life. It can be for the best, part of the growth.


Oh and I agree with what Fullcrum wrote. Social conditioning is just there, like your physical body. You didn't choose it, tho you can still change it or make the best out of it.

[Cyrock]

To "be yourself", to act "naturally" is a static concept. It is self destructive, nonproductive and is completely opposed to the concept of self-development.

When you try to change, you need to push the comfort zone, which implies acting in a territory you are not used to. This forces your conscious mind to work harder because your subconscious mind would just make you behave as you always have. With time your subconscious brain will learn to take control so you can focus your consciousness on something else, then it will feel natural and you will not feel like wearing a mask anymore.

I wrote exactly about this yesterday on my blog.

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by say

I find the phrase "being yourself" rather silly. I mean how can I not be myself? Can I be someone else?

If I feel like I need to play a certain role the society imposes on me then I'm still me, playing that role. I might be stressed while I'm doing it. But then that's still me, being stressed and worried about other people's opinions.

We could call the thing for what it is... like: "feeling comfortable with yourself/your role".

In the world I live in it's almost impossible to act exactly the same towards every person. You can't even speak the same language with all people. I once tried to hug a chinese friend and he wasn't expecting it/approving it... I guess it's not such a normal thing for them (for him) to do. I had to find another way to let him know I'm his friend.
The key is, then, to just get a certain message across, including the very message of "who you are" and what is your position in the world. And this might involve different activity, based on different circumstances. If you feel comfortable with whatever it is you do, you'll still look geniune, even if you'll act differently.
This, on an "egoic" level.
But then, on a "higher" level, I don't mind if someone changes his very core human values at some points in his life. It can be for the best, part of the growth.


Oh and I agree with what Fullcrum wrote. Social conditioning is just there, like your physical body. You didn't choose it, tho you can still change it or make the best out of it.

You can play any role you want and jump between roles as you like, as long as you do not identify with any of them, and know that you are not the "roles" you play in this game of life.

[PVince81]

Did it ever happen to you to feel suddenly stuck in a conflict, because two people with who you used to wear different "masks" are in the same room?
For example: With person A you are used to make very silly jokes and have great fun with it. With person B you are usually more serious and talk about "intelligent stuff". Now you are with A and B in the same room, person A tries to make you laugh with a silly joke.
How do you feel? How do you react?
In this case you might feel stuck in a conflict because you don't want person B to discover your "silly" side, because for example B doesn't like silly jokes.

[say]

Originally Posted by PVince81

Did it ever happen to you to feel suddenly stuck in a conflict, because two people with who you used to wear different "masks" are in the same room?

It happened and still happens very often.
I sometimes felt uncomfortable in such situations. But it's getting easier, probably because I don't take myself so seriously anymore. I act with the dominant feeling, the one I feel most at peace with. Knowing which way to act is just like knowing how to make the best decisions in life. If you're in tune with yourself and your deeper feeling/goals it will come very spontaneusly and won't even seem like you made a decision.

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by PVince81

Did it ever happen to you to feel suddenly stuck in a conflict, because two people with who you used to wear different "masks" are in the same room?
For example: With person A you are used to make very silly jokes and have great fun with it. With person B you are usually more serious and talk about "intelligent stuff". Now you are with A and B in the same room, person A tries to make you laugh with a silly joke.
How do you feel? How do you react?
In this case you might feel stuck in a conflict because you don't want person B to discover your "silly" side, because for example B doesn't like silly jokes.

Yes, all the time. I have quite a wide range of friends. Some are very deep, some are very artistic, some are very rational, others are wild fun beasts. They all reflect a part of the roles I have played in the past.
But this is really no conflict for me because I do not see myself as unauthentic when they meet. They simply realise that I live on more than one wave-lenght and they either accept it or not. The latter is really not my problem but theirs.