Revising my outlook on intimate relationships

[25AndJustBeginning]

First, lemme say that I’ll try to keep this posting clearer and more concise than all my others.

I have a boat load of questions about intimate relationships and about my concept of them. I have a problem w/ possessiveness. I understand that it’s security related but that doesn’t help me get over it. I try to remind myself that I can’t control her or know everything about her life. This makes me incredibly anxious. I don’t like thinking that she may flirt or even develop a connection – of any sort – w/ other guys. Again, I try to remind myself that the important thing is that she comes home to me but I really struggle w/ it.

Also, I think I want little more than security in a relationship. In fact, I’m not really sure what it is I do want from one. What are some things that (whoever reads this) wants in a romantic relationship?

When I’m not being overbearing or suspicious of her I feel weird. It’s like I am further from her than I’d like to be. Is this a healthy distance? Ideally, I’d like to cuddle w/ her and be super close and essentially melt together. Is that dependence and attachment?

I also struggle w/ dealing w/ her living the life that she wants to live. She’s very social and would be around people 24/7 if she could. This makes me feel threatened. Reminding myself that “as long as she comes home to me” doesn’t seem to be enough for me. Any thoughts? Suggestions?

I do see a therapist regularly and just began taking medication for concentration & depression. Since I’ve started I feel more capable of dealing w/ things rather than letting them take control of me. Maybe that’s not necessary info but I feel better letting you (all) know that I do try. Argh. Maybe that’s another issue- that I need your approval. Joy. We’ll hafta talk about that one next week.

I'll try to be more interactive w/ this posting and your responses rather than just posting and sitting back waiting for your responses as I have in the past.

[Angela]

How much do you like her? Why?

[25AndJustBeginning]

I like affection from her.
I like feeling close to her.
I like being close to her.
I do want to be emotionally close to her (someone I can count on & share w/).

However, I also like the idea of being in a relationship; it's comforting. I just feel better. I tend to be more capable in the world and have more confidence.

I understand the implications of what I just said (I think) but have such a strong tendency to get totally wrapped up in a girl and lose track of myself.

I don't know what to think or do. I'm really confused and back and forth quite a bit. When we're not together (it's been rocky w/ several breakups) I miss her but when we are together I question the relationship. Argh.

[25AndJustBeginning]

...Some times I'm very happy w/ her. We are really trying to make this work and are making some healthy progress. However, I tend to question EVERYTHING and explain things negatively. For instance, I'm kinda a caregiver and she's... well, she kinda has associated w/ guys that will do things for her.

Again, I'm just so confused.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

There's a lot of familiar stuff in your post, 25. I was in a similar relationship. And I'm back in it again, only this time we are really working things out and it's going much better. Both of us have our insecurities, but I am definitely the more insecure one and had a lot of feelings like you mentioned in your OP. Some things that have helped me:

1) Realize that your insecurity has nothing to do with her.

This is seemingly really difficult to do because it sure feels like the actions of the other person are making you insecure. Really they are just bringing out feelings that were already there. Just this morning on the way to work my bf was relating a funny story about his friend(who has a girlfriend) checking this girl out and I got that jealous, fearful twinge in my gut. How ridiculous, right? This is my issue. For me it comes out of stuff from a long time ago and so I am working on that by locating the feeling at the earliest point I can remember having it and turning it into a statement (mine is "I am nothing"). Then I look at what that way of being has cost me and him (and everyone in my life) and I decide to create an inspiring new way to be (Freedom, Surrender). You then make a choice to live that new possibility.

The above technique is Angela's and I've used it with great results.

2) Your whole life can't revolve around another person and you can't expect them to provide you with what you feel is lacking inside you.

It seems like you feel a hole inside and you are looking to her to fill it. But coming to a relationship with pain and neediness is only going to make it harder. And, it will perpetuate itself because you can't get those needs fullfilled in a complete and consistent manner by another person. You have to do it for yourself.

3) Get out and do things for yourself.

Make your own well-being priority one. Take care of yourself and do things that interest you. At first you might have to make yourself do that if you've been spending a great deal of time like I was focused on the other person and trying to figure them out.

4) Share your plan.

I finally got with my boyfriend and let him in on what was going on with me. I told him about my insecurity and said that I knew it was going to be something I would be working on, maybe for a while. I let him know that I needed his help, not to change anything he was doing, but in being understanding of how difficult it was for me. Opening up and getting support is a great feeling. And this also brings with it accountability.

The main thing I feel when I read your posts is that you are very scared. If that's the case, I've definitely been there. You are projecting your fears onto her. That doesn't end up feeling good for either of you. You feel out of control and she feels stifled and controlled. My advice is to find yourself and take the focus off of her for a while. Look at what it is you are hoping to get from being in a relationship and create it for yourself. When Angela asked you why you like her you listed things that you get from her rather than things that she is or does. I think that's a starting point. And I don't know your girlfriend at all, she may not be the best match for you. But I do know that either way, the only thing you can do is work on yourself.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by 25AndJustBeginning

I like affection from her.
I like feeling close to her.
I like being close to her.
I do want to be emotionally close to her (someone I can count on & share w/).

So, it looks like your reasons for being in this relationship are all about you -- what you get. And what you think of as your problems are what you don't get -- the "melting", the feeling that you're her one and only, being taken care of by her, possessing her. Even you taking care of her doesn't feel too satisfying and fulfilling, because you're not getting what you want "back."

Looking at what you have been generating, can you start to see how you might change your being if you want to generate a loving, long-term, mutually beneficial relationship with this woman?

[kboleski]

Aspiring to Clarity and Angela really summed it up for you. I will try to add something to what they have written. Really figure out what they mean by what they are saying. Re-read their posts, write certain phrases, ideas, advice items down and write how you fell about them. Write why you are scared of that particular thing. Write the "ideal" picture of that certain thing. Break each item down in every way possible. It will take some time, but it will help you make some changes. You are young, so you will be realizing a lot in the next 5 years. The thing you HAVE to learn now is that you can't squeeze her so tight that she breaks. Find your inner respect and face it that you have got to let loose. Please know that she has her own insecurities, "holes" in her own life to fill, dreams, desires, activities she is passionalte about, aspirations, and designs of her future. She had these qualities and needs before you ever came into her life. You shouldn't ever think she should change or give any of the most basic things that make her her own, unique woman up for you. NEVER, EVER. She won't be the same woman you liked and were attracted to if she changes for YOU. Just like you have come into a relationship with her bearing the qualities (including insecurities) that make you, you! Insecurity will ruin the relationship! I have been there and am struggling to find my way back to myself. She loves comraderie, living with zest. That is the kind of person others WANT to be around. Stop trying to stifle her because that is unfair to her. Why not let her motivate you? Why not join her? LET GO and LIVE! Why not go out and find something you are passionate about and something you can get good at that will give you your own self respect and feelings of personal achievement?!!!? Go to the gym, get buff, take taekwondo, take guitar lessons, take a photography or art class, get certified to teach Pilates and teach it! Anything! There is so much you can do to improve yourself, fill up your "hole" a little, (She will NEVER be able to do that. It only seems so now, but you are showing us that it is fading/emptying away.) Do something to occupy your mind, and you will love the confidence you feel. SHE will LOVE the new, improved, inspired, understanding, accepting, motivated, CONFIDENT, not insecure, you!!! If you nurture her to live the life she wants, she will nurture you to live the life you want. It is a win-win situation. You need to understand that you are two individuals. You need to live two independent lives. Then you share your lives, happiness with eachother. She is not dependent on you. You cannot be dependent on her to complete your life for you. Only you can do that! After you have lightened up a bit, do something fun together like dance lessons, horseback riding, something exhilirating and fun that you will totally bond with eachother over. Remember, she needs her room to grow. You can't take it from her, or you will lose her. Which I think you are realizing because you stated that you had broken up a few times. She is resisting the unfair bindings that you are placing on her. The good news is that you can turn it all around by improving yourself. PS. Girls don't like jealous guys. It is a huge turn-off! I know I have been all over the page a bit, but I know you will understand me anyway!!!

[25AndJustBeginning]

Originally Posted by Angela

So, it looks like your reasons for being in this relationship are all about you -- what you get. And what you think of as your problems are what you don't get -- the "melting", the feeling that you're her one and only, being taken care of by her, possessing her.

Wait a minute here. You didn't ask me about my reasons for being in this relationship; you asked me what I like about her. Please don't chastise me for something that you didn't ask me. If you had asked me about the give and take and I responded the same way, you'd be right. But that wasn't the case. I appreciate your effort here. I really do. But I think you're way off to call me selfish w/ the information you have.

What's more is that my problems aren't what I'm not getting; it's that I'm insecure and question everything. But thanks for trying, though.

[Angela]

25, look again. I didn't call you selfish, and I didn't chastise you.

My point is not to tell you you're wrong; it's to consider that you might be more effective in your relationship and in your life if you assume 100% responsibility for them -- and that includes boldly looking at how who you're being creates how the world (and your relationship) occurs for you. Another part is generating what's missing that would make a difference.

That's where real power lies.

[25AndJustBeginning]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

There's a lot of familiar stuff in your post, 25. I was in a similar relationship. And I'm back in it again, only this time we are really working things out and it's going much better. Both of us have our insecurities, but I am definitely the more insecure one and had a lot of feelings like you mentioned in your OP. Some things that have helped me:

1) Realize that your insecurity has nothing to do with her.

This is seemingly really difficult to do because it sure feels like the actions of the other person are making you insecure.

Wow. Your post was great. I really need to hear this (and remind myself of it). Thank you.

It is difficult to believe myself when I think that my insecurity has nothing to do w/ her. It does help but is certainly a work in progress.

2) Your whole life can't revolve around another person and you can't expect them to provide you with what you feel is lacking inside you.

It seems like you feel a hole inside and you are looking to her to fill it. But coming to a relationship with pain and neediness is only going to make it harder. And, it will perpetuate itself because you can't get those needs fullfilled in a complete and consistent manner by another person. You have to do it for yourself.

You're absolutely right. This is totally contradictory to the way that I currently am but I see that it's the way it has to be. I understand that it needs to take place but I have this huge tendency to 'relapse.' That worries me. It happens w/o my being aware of it. Argh. But again, you're right.

3) Get out and do things for yourself.

Yes... again. Not only that but I think I need to relate this to #2. Finding things to fulfill me other than her. Wow. I think I just had a mini-revelation.

4) Share your plan.

Again, I agree.

The main thing I feel when I read your posts is that you are very scared.

Yes, I am. I hate admitting that but it's true. Just like above, I need to realize that I project my issues onto her. There are things that've happened in the relationship that are easy for me to justify my feelings w/ which makes it difficult to realize in the moment but I am getting there.

Again, thank you SOOOOO much, Aspiring. Your advice is very much appreciated.

[25AndJustBeginning]

Originally Posted by Angela

25, look again. I didn't call you selfish, and I didn't chastise you.

My point is not to tell you you're wrong; it's to consider that you might be more effective in your relationship and in your life if you assume 100% responsibility for them -- and that includes boldly looking at how who you're being creates how the world (and your relationship) occurs for you. Another part is generating what's missing that would make a difference.

That's where real power lies.

You're absolutely right in this posting. In fact, you were right in your previous post as well. However, I disagree w/ the way that you breached the subject. I felt, uh, set up. Again, you were absolutely right and what you said is amazingly insightful but I opened up by answering your question and felt... attacked by your response to it.

After reading it now, I see your point. Argh! That's hard to admit. Well, I guess I'll just take it in stride and move past my defensiveness.

Seriously, Angela, thank you for your advice (and patient perseverance w/ my rebuttal).

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by 25AndJustBeginning

Again, thank you SOOOOO much, Aspiring. Your advice is very much appreciated.

I'm glad it helped. It's been a while that I've been working on this and I am making a lot of progress.

I'd also like to tell you that Angela is the main reason I've made so much progress. She's really helped me a great deal. I hope you will look back at what she said. Our advice and our outlook is really similar, only she is much better at being direct and concise.

I felt the same way about what you wrote about your girlfriend. She asked what you liked about her and you listed things you get from her. I think I said this in my last post too. It's not a condemnation of you at all and it doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. It's just something that from the outside perspective hints at something you could look at that would really make a difference.

If you want to talk more, post back. I might be able to answer some questions or help out because I see a lot of myself in you.

Good luck. I hope you stick around and keep working on this.

I also wanted to recommend you to Byron Katie and The Work. The book I Need Your Love Is That True is so good. And very pertinent in your situation.

Edit: I just noticed your latest post to Angela. You know it's the really important things that usually get us defensive or feeling attacked. So, seeing your reaction to certain things can usually point you in a good direction as far as what to work and focus on next.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by 25AndJustBeginning

There are things that've happened in the relationship that are easy for me to justify my feelings w/ which makes it difficult to realize in the moment but I am getting there.

Same here. You know, my boyfriend isn't perfect. He definitely has his own issues and stuff that he could do differently to help the relationship (and I give him a lot of credit because he's recently been trying). But that doesn't really have anything to do with me you know? No matter what he does (or your gf) the only thing that we really have power over is ourselves. And I can tell you from experience that when you focus on and take care of yourself, when you look at what you are generating in your life and take responsibility for it, the natural consequence of that is that everything transforms in very surprising ways.

[Angela]

I'm sorry I made you feel set up by asking that question and then responding the way I did. I promise I wasn't laying in wait to pounce on you. It's just that the way people respond to the question of what they like in their partner can be really telling, both in what's said and what's not said.

My feeling is that you almost certainly like a lot of things about her other than what you said, but perhaps the stuff that's getting in your way -- your insecurity and jealousy -- are a dark, looming shadow that makes it hard for you to see the sweet stuff about the two of you together.

I've said this before -- it's easier to go towards something inspiring than it is to try to get away from something that bugs you, so what if you were to take another crack at that question, and distinguish what really inspires you about the relationship? If you focus on inspiration (and share that inspiration with her, taking responsibility for what you have been creating), do you think it's possible that it would help you to loosen the hold you have on the thoughts that have you feeling ways you don't want to feel?

A little inspiration takes me a lot further than a whole lotta irritation.

[kboleski]

I just want to add, please don't get defensive if you can keep yourself from doing that. I know you felt as if you were being attacked, but when I read it, I knew she meant it from a fantastic, helpful place. It was written very well, I might add. It is just that when something we don't want to hear hits us so close to home, we tend to get a little defensive. I have really only noticed people on these forums that just care for others and genuinely want to help. Don't forget that, OK?

I also thought of something that might help you. Each time you feel an insecurity, write it down. Then write every feeling associated with why you felt insecure. Then really take a hard look at it and decide if it is 1) Your Perception, or 2) Reality. For example,

She is going out with a bunch of friends. You feel scared inside for some reason:

Your Perception: scared of what? - she might meet another guy, or she wants to find another guy.

Reality: There is always the chance she could bump into some guy, but she isn't looking. She chose you, she wants to be with you. Appreciate that. Live in the now and enjoy her. She has given you herself. She is spending some much needed girl time with her friends. (Women really get a lift from spending special time with their girl friends.)

I could spell out some other scenerios, but you get the picture. Write them out. Then prove them to yourself by being strong, honest and thinking about what is reality, instead of from a place of fear and insecurity, and put those fears away!!!!

[25AndJustBeginning]

I just want to say thank you for the help. I really struggle w/ a lot of social issues. I think they all stem from being self-absorbed. I dunno, I'm looking into it. All your posts were really valuable and I've used them and will continue to do so. Thx again.

[kboleski]

Look at it this way, you are reaching the next level of maturity in your life where you realize that You are doing something wrong. I really don't know of any 25 year olds that aren't self absorbed. I know that sounds like a blanket statement, but is actually pretty true. You are at that point in your life where you have been trying to get through college, support yourself, figure out who you are, what you want, what you want to be. Those years from High School through 26-28 are very selfish years. The good news is that you are realizing that you are not where you need to be, that you have improvements to make and it appears to me that you are attempting to start to create an even better you. That process will never end, so just enjoy the process. Everyone has insecurities. There is no such thing as perfection. You can only persue excellence. Don't let fears/insecurities dictate anything in your life or relationships in your life. Understand them for what they are and overcome them with belief in yourself, respect for yourself and the people you choose to spend your life with and with the knowledge that you are human, but you can be the best human you can be. You sound like you are off to a great start.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by 25AndJustBeginning

I just want to say thank you for the help. I really struggle w/ a lot of social issues. I think they all stem from being self-absorbed. I dunno, I'm looking into it. All your posts were really valuable and I've used them and will continue to do so. Thx again.

If you need to talk about anything that you're working on, I'll be around. Good luck with everything. It can be tough to make changes and face old issues, but the other side it a really nice place to be .

[SmartAlx]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

1) Realize that your insecurity has nothing to do with her.

This isn't always true. Sometimes people (especially insecure people) develop unnaturally strong emotional relationships with more than one person and give their affection to many people and leave out the person that is number one in their life. They ignore the person they love and give their affection to other people.

This is why it's important that you (your girl) stay(s) vigilant in keeping your(her) relationship with your significant other(you) the number one relationship.

I'm not saying that this is happening, but sometimes your fears come true. They did for me, not because of anything that I did. Not because of my jealousy. My jealosy didn't cause her to cheat on me. My jealosy warned me that she was prone to infidelity, that she spread her affection around and spread herself too thin. A lot of people spread themselve too thin these days. They ignore the important people in their lives and pay a lot of attention to meeting new people. That's not a healthy way to live and I avoid relationships with those kinds of people.

4) Share your plan.

I finally got with my boyfriend and let him in on what was going on with me. I told him about my insecurity and said that I knew it was going to be something I would be working on, maybe for a while. I let him know that I needed his help, not to change anything he was doing, but in being understanding of how difficult it was for me. Opening up and getting support is a great feeling. And this also brings with it accountability.

This is very good advice.

[ilovetoday]

Maybe you should try and do little things by yourself. Try go join a local sporting group or hobby or class, learn another language. tThese are great places to meet people with similar interests and going by yourself forces you to meet new people.
This will improve your self confidence and lift your mood. It should help get you away and enjoying life by yourself-not completely but learn there are things that you can do even just go for a walk or a jog around town you will be surprised how much just a long stroll can help your mood and give you time to think of things in a positive light.

i know how nice it is to be with someone you love and feel loved back but there is so much to life that includes just you. Try some of these types of activities and you should feel a little less reliant on your partner to be there all the time for you.

she is happy with you to stay with you but she also enjoys a variety of people for socialising remember that when she does this it is making her happy and be happy for her
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