Failure to express my true essence to the world?

[sonicpunk32]

I need help in this situation. I have these two friends I know, they're about my age, they're brothers. Not to be racist, but they're mexican (I hope this is relevant). They are quite simple minded, but know some faily decent english. I have known them for the past five years, but not everyday, just on again, off again. They would come in contact with me for a month or so, then loose contact with me for the next couple months, on again off again, for the past 5 years. I would mainly help them with their computers, since i'm quite tech savvy and have built them a few computers. I'm somewhat introverted with few friends, but I'm quite spiritual and deep. I admit, I dont have much of any social skills.

Though I have never socialized with them much, in the past year it has come to my attention just how awkward and out of sync I am with them personality wise. When I am with them for more than 30 minutes, the incompatibilties begin to come out. To them they are having fun, and conversing, but to me, it's just all wrong. Jokes about my race, jokes about my personality, like how I'm always thinking, how I'm always serious, or how I'm always mad. These jokes seem like nothing, but they just cant seem to repeat them over and over again the longer I'm with them. It's like that is their only way of relating to me. Of course there's more to it than just jokes. It's the general way they see me. They're 20, and 22, and I'm a 21 year old black male (I still think this is relevant). I think I dont act like any of the black males they've encountered, because they generally socialize with, well I dont know much about their social lives, but I'm sure they socialize mainly with people of the hip hop culture. I cant really relate to the hip hop culture, their music, the way they talk, the way they greet each other.

I think subconsciously when they try to interact with me, they try to impose upon me an image that isn't me. They see me as this all time serious deep thinker who isnt much fun, so they try to make me like them, by treating me like them. For example, just the other day, I took a ride with them to buy something. As I got out of the car, one of them started to jokingly analyze and ask aloud about a dozen questions as to why I dont relax, why I'm serious all the time, why am I so afraid of the outside, just over and over again. I dont know if they realize what they are doing, but they do this all the time, and it felt uncomfortable as I'm sure anybody walking by would wonder what I'm doing with such people. I have talked to them about this a couple times, but I dont think they understand.

On a different but related subject, I used to go to this spanish-english church when I was around 15, and I kinda had this similar problem, but to a slightly lesser degree. I really dont want to make this seem racist, but the youth group I was associated with treated me the same way. Yes they were spanish, there were some older more mature, more smarter (aged 25, 27 at the time) youth leaders. They saw me as reserved and intellectual, but couldnt relate. But they never openly criticized me about it. Yes these people were also influenced by the hip hop culture, which showed a bit in how they communicated and relate to life. On an interesting note, their parents (not influenced by the hip hop culture) never treated me that way.

Now, I have tried to do my best to describe this awkward mix of energies in this thread. I dont know if what is happening here is normal, if I should consider disassociating my self with them, or learn to express myself better with people like these. No other group of people have treated me like this before. It makes me wonder, if it is my dislike of hip hop culture that had brought these people into my life. When I was younger (11) I was attached to the hip hop culture, but now (22) in the years since then I have grown apart from it and consciously moved away from that culture because I seem to loathe it. It's just not me. I'm still a long ways from finding my true inner me and having it properly show outward to the physical world.

[Rafael Perez]

Do you feel you are set apart from them or others?
Do you feel superior in any way to them or others?
Do you have judgement on other things (anything)?
Do you have any anger within you?
Do you like yourself?
What are you afraid of?
Have you lied to yourself to make sense of the fear?

I ask these questions not for my own benefit but for yours, really be completely honest with yourself about the answers.

[MrNotebook]

You shouldn't put so much (or any) emphasis on what others think of you. If the people you hang with don't show that they are capable of accepting you, then maybe that's a sign you should move on.

If you're not into hip-hop, then why are you associating with people that are?

Why not instead seek out relationships with people that encourage you?

[kboleski]

I know this seems hard, but just be yourself. I am really trying to figure what that is myself. If you aren't living an authentic life, I think you may be coming across to others as having a lack of confidence, lack of self worth, maybe it appears that you are trying too hard. A really good friend let me in on a secret that I was liked, but she knows that sometimes others don't quite know where I am coming from or feel my confidence. I may not be doing a good job at putting this into words, so I am sorry for that. All I can tell you is to try to find the silver lining in all of their jokes, their negative comments - especially the stiff one. There is something about you that they are picking up on. Try to see the truth through all of the negative things they are saying and doing and work on that!!!!!! Does this make any sense? You don't have to stay socially inept. You may be the quiet type, and that is OK. Figure out who you are, start living an authentic life, REALLY become comfortable with yourself. If you can achieve those things, you will be able to relax and let your true self shine. When you are all pent up with worry or stress because you feel inadequate in any way - ie, socially, I think one tends to clam up and come across serious and boring. I have felt awkward around other people who are serious, stiff, boring and obviously lacking in confidence. When you start to come across as open, relaxed, confident, happy and motivated, people will respond to you entirely different! I truly believe that when you relax others will pick up on that and respond accordingly. You are also young enough to read books on interpersonal skills, or how to win others over. Take classes on those subjects. You can become your full self, just relax and work hard on improving where you find that you are lacking. I hope I have given you something that can help you.

[robc]

you're relationships with others is a direct reflection of your relationship with yourself.

You're timid, withdrawn, introverted, shy, have little or no social skills, you feel weak, afraid, you have no sense of humor, probably don't have a lot of friends, your interests are limited to purely what you're good at (fixing computers, technology), you're not interested in popular music, you have problems relaxing and just kicking back, and for the most part you don't sound very happy, etc.

Your friends listed in the example are trying to relate to you, trying to reach out to you. They are trying to talk to you but you are keeping your guard up. You don't want to let anyone in. You are problem focused, you can't just enjoy the experience of being with other people, learning new things, etc. You are comfortable just doing your own thing with yourself. The problem with that is that you are always walking around guarded, never going to let anyone in - if you want to live a lonely life continue doing that. If you want to enjoy a life in the company of friends and possibly a partner some time down the line, you're going to have to change.

At one point, you will have to stop thinking & talking about your problems and DO something about them. Currently thinking & talking is your substitute for actually doing something to change your situation.

I think it's called Analysis Paralysis. You analyze the problem from your limited perspective instead of looking at it from other points of view, you think about it, you come up with lots of reasons why people shouldn't be doing what they're doing when they're around you and you don't notice that these people are possibly trying to crack your tough exterior because they might actually like to get to know you better.

It doesn't just happen to you, this happens to alot of people. But you can stop being that way if you choose to DO something about it. It's up to you.

[Brutha]

People have to find a way to see someone to related with them.
There are two options:
1) You project an image that other can relate to and are allowed to make fun of when they are people who like to make jokes from time to time.
2) You let them draw up an image.

I think subconsciously when they try to interact with me, they try to impose upon me an image that isn't me. They see me as this all time serious deep thinker who isnt much fun, so they try to make me like them, by treating me like them.

You obvioulsly don't like it when they make jokes about you, could that leave them thinking that you aren't much fun?

What is your true essense they you want other to notice?
What can other joke about?
You being honest?
You being spiritual?
You always having a joke?

How do you want to be seen?

[kboleski]

WOW, robc, you said it!!! Listen to him!

[Jamie]

I hope you get this sorted Sonic, you sound stressed over this - hope your inner turmoil resolves...

Best of luck.

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by MrNotebook

If you're not into hip-hop, then why are you associating with people that are?

Why not instead seek out relationships with people that encourage you?

Because they're always so friendly, and I just dont like disappointing people. But I realize I dont have much in common with them. I'll try to slowly disassociate myself with them. Heck, after I move in a couple months, they wont see me again.

Originally Posted by robc

you're relationships with others is a direct reflection of your relationship with yourself.

You're timid, withdrawn, introverted, shy, have little or no social skills, you feel weak, afraid, you have no sense of humor, probably don't have a lot of friends, your interests are limited to purely what you're good at (fixing computers, technology), you're not interested in popular music, you have problems relaxing and just kicking back, and for the most part you don't sound very happy, etc.

Your friends listed in the example are trying to relate to you, trying to reach out to you. They are trying to talk to you but you are keeping your guard up. You don't want to let anyone in. You are problem focused, you can't just enjoy the experience of being with other people, learning new things, etc. You are comfortable just doing your own thing with yourself. The problem with that is that you are always walking around guarded, never going to let anyone in - if you want to live a lonely life continue doing that. If you want to enjoy a life in the company of friends and possibly a partner some time down the line, you're going to have to change.

You seem to know me like a book. But most of that isn't me. I have a great sense of humor. I am happy, I can and do relax just fine. I couldnt be happier at this point in my life. I have an amazing girlfriend who gives me the intimacy I've been seeking all my life. I do and intend to let people in, in fact that is the basis I form with my friendships. I just don't believe in small superficial brief pointless relationships, because those arent supportive to my soul.

I dont think that my relationships with others is a DIRECT reflection of myself. If that was true, then life would be so confusing. I mean how would say, a woman giving birth in the hospital room right next to mine be a direct reflection of me? Did I choose subconsciously that she would give birth? The universe is more complex than that, there are higher bigger reasons for the way people act the way they do, and experience what they experience, which isnt always a direct reflection of their thoughts.

Originally Posted by Brutha

You obvioulsly don't like it when they make jokes about you, could that leave them thinking that you aren't much fun?

It's not that I mind them making jokes about me, It's just that they do it so excessively that it gets annoying and inappropriate, almost immature. I've talked to my other friends about this and they agree with me. I've already confronted him about it, it turns out I just make him laugh so excessively because he finds my reactions to the jokes to be really funny. I'm sure you would agree with me too, if you were with him and he made so many jokes that you couldnt even tell if what he is saying is him being serious or just another lame joke. I've asked him to tone it down, and he's agreed.

Telling me to "calm down" and "dont get mad" 20 times in an hour, especially infront of others. Hitting me in my stomach or back quite firmly without my expectation. Though he says he does that to his friends all the time. I dont know about anybody else, but that would get on my nerves pretty quickly, and it has, and that's why he finds it funny.

Originally Posted by Jamie

I hope you get this sorted Sonic, you sound stressed over this - hope your inner turmoil resolves...

Best of luck.

Thanks

[uberinquisitive]

What you're experiencing is macho male bonding.

If you spoke their language, then you would be making jokes back at them and playing practical jokes and snapping their testicles when they least expect it.

If they spoke your language, they would ask you about your life, speak very sincerely, and be good listeners.

Please don't take any of this personally. They think you're "cute."

You probably find it exhausting to hang around them, because it's a lot of effort to translate their language. They honestly don't realize how uncomfy you feel, because this is how they bond with other men.

If you can look past feeling insulted, and realize they mean well - you may start to interact with them more comfortably.

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

What you're experiencing is macho male bonding.

Wow, I never thought about that at all. It makes sense now, the way they act. This will take some time to get used to. It's exhausting to be around them for so long.

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

Wow, I never thought about that at all. It makes sense now, the way they act. This will take some time to get used to. It's exhausting to be around them for so long.

Seriously - just relax around them!

I'm sure you're relaxed around your gf and friends. You think, "oh, I can be myself because it's my gf and friends...and they understand me."

Why not strive to be yourself around all types of people, even people who don't "understand" you? Don't let others dictate your level of social comfort!

The next time you hang out with these guys, visualize their hearts being made of gold and emanating a golden ray of light towards you. Look for all the ways you guys are similar - start by realizing that you guys are both human beings!

You don't have to act macho. In fact, just be yourself. You may find a new side of yourself starting to develop - you may start flipping them off and laughing at them. And - they will feel like you finally like them (I know, ironic - but to macho guys, if you don't joke around back, they feel like you don't like them - because that's how they treat people they don't like).

And this is a GOOD thing - learning to appreciate people for their diversity is an admirable skill.

Good luck.

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

Seriously - just relax around them!

Was that a joke?

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

And this is a GOOD thing - learning to appreciate people for their diversity is an admirable skill.

Does that mean I have to like everybody? What does "be yourself" mean anyway? Aren't I always myself no matter where I go?

[Jamie]

I always thing 'Be Yourself' is a strange one, in one way, you could ask, is it ever possible to be anything but yourself; then in another sense, I think it can mean whole, having integrity, connected to yourself, not striving, having the focus of your attention within you, so you know who you are, and come from that place, to create your reality.

What do you think?

[Brutha]

Does that mean I have to like everybody?

No, it's perfectly fine to sit alone in your room and to meditate.

But if you want to have people as friends, it helps to like them.

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by Brutha

No, it's perfectly fine to sit alone in your room and to meditate.

But if you want to have people as friends, it helps to like them.

That's not what I meant. I meant, do I have to like *everybody* I meet. I don't sit alone in my room and meditate.

[Ecce Homo]

Hey Sonic, I’m glad you hear what uber was trying to say, as it’s very likely that he’s right. I myself make wise cracks on the people I like all the time, and vice versa. I also hope you heard what Rafael, Notebook, robc, and others were trying to say in reference to the importance of self examination. Although I agree with you in general when you say that not every single solitary thing that comes into our experience is necessarily a reflection of our thoughts, our relationships most certainly are. It pays to “know thyself” when dealing with relationship problems . It’s no accident that these guys are in your life. If it’s bothering you, then examine your thoughts and emotions carefully to figure out why, because believe me when I and others say that when you want to resolve a problem in one of your personal relationships, then you should always begin with the man within. You’re 22 so you’re still young and I'm an ancient 33. You’ll save yourself a lot of drama if you get this now.

[Brutha]

I meant, do I have to like *everybody* I meet.

The answer is still the same. You don't have to do anything.
Depending on your goals in life you might benefit from doing certain things.
If you want to make more friends it helps to like more people.

[sonicpunk32]

You cant possibly tell me that you like every single person you meet.

Unless you mean be friendly to everybody. But then what about the negative people who are detrimental to your well being. I'm always friendly, but there are some people, I think, would be best avoided.

[pianoperformer]

I think you just need to relax and not take things so seriously.

I come across the same things at college. There are friends I have that tease me a lot, jokingly of course, and I do the same thing back, and it is all fun. If they go too far I tell them and they stop, usually. I'm in a social fraternity so i've had a bit of a crash course in being social in the last year, lol. I was the total opposite before.

It helps to develop a thick skin and not get offended too easily, as you seem to be doing. I'm blind, but people know I don't care if they joke about it, and so they do, and I laugh, and I even joke myself. They know that very little bothers me.

Basically, I'm saying to just relax and have fun. Not everyone is going to be as deep as you are, but there is still something of worth there. I think you need a balance anyway, between spirituality and socializing.

Also I think you are reading too deeply into what Brutha is saying. No one said you had to like everyone. But if you try to socialize with more people, you might find that it isn't all that hard.