Someone who won't forget the past.
 

My wife keeps bringing up the past like she's tallying a score. "You keep doing this." "You always come up with these ideas, but you never finish."

How do I communicate with that? Some things I really don't want to change. I really am trying to grow, and she knows it, but I feel more and more, she's building things up against me. There are many things she does that bother me, but I don't attack her about it like she does to me. I feel we're off track and I don't know how to get her to stop throwing things in my face from the past. She brought up an insensitive joke I said about her over 3 years ago and which I've apologized for at least a dozen times. I don't know what to do.

I'll read these responses too because I have a tendency to be like your wife and my boyfriend is always telling me that we can't move forward if we are always living in the past. Which is true. For me, I think the issue is I feel that if I don't watch carefully and keep track I will end up getting hurt -- hey, the past repeats itself, right? I have no way to know if this is also true for her, but it may be an insecurity on her part. That doesn't excuse it, but it might help to explain it. My bf is also the same in that he has stuff about me that bugs him, but he doesn't tell me. And I want to know because I figure that I can use it to grow. I also think that letting things build up is bad.

Have you talked to her about it? Asked her why she does it? I think you could definitely try the Non-Violent Communication techniques here with good results.

Talk with her about it and if that does not work couples therapy may be your best bet. Not talking with her could be very damaging. if she is unwilling to discuss this then therapy for you can also be helpful. It would probably be a wise choice to not hold in that which is bothering you about her too. Its tough stuff, but at the end of the day it could take your relationship to a higher level.

How do you react when she does this?

She probably thinks she's helping you by pointing out your flaws. It's cute when they do that.