How can I forgive a family member and move on with life

[joco]

My question is: how do you work through an issue and forgive someone without actually talking to them?

The reason for this question involves my father. For as long as I can remember, my father has been "there" but "not there". I did very well at school, I was always first in my class, but my dad rarely (if ever) said "well-done". If I got 90% for a test it was "why only 90%?". When I graduated varsity with my degree, my father didn't attend my graduation because ... he didn't want to wear a suit for 3 hours.

Although I have tried very hard to bury this. It seems to be at the core of every problem. For instance, I love the idea of continuous self-improvement, that is why I'm attracted to this site, but I felt a lot of resistance to changing and improving myself. At first I thought I was worried that I would anger God by trying to have / be more than what I currently am and that he would take away what I do have already (which by the way is not what I consciously believe about the nature of God, so the conflicting feelings bothered me). However, when I delved deeper into the nature of this feeling, what it actually boiled down to is that I was worried that if I did better in my life, then my father would hate me more. So, the feeling actually had nothing to do with God.

You see, my dad makes comments about the things I have, or what I have achieved (which I have worked damn hard for!!!), because he is unemployed and not doing well financially (this is his own fault through choices of his own, but I don't want to get into the real reasons behind that). My whole life I have never felt good enough!

Now, the thing is, I know my father loves me in his own weird way. I don't want to discuss this with him because firstly, it will hurt him; and secondly, I don't think it will do me any good. I am extremely non-confrontational. I really need to know how to work through this, how to break his hold on me and how to live for me and not him.

Thanks for any suggestions.

[Holistic Star]

You could try writing a letter to your dad explaining everything you feel But don't send him the letter.

Once you have done that, conventional advice is to burn the letter to release it. However I am suggesting you google Bryon Katie and do what she calls 'The Work' on what you have written.

By that I mean you ask yourself 4 simple questions about each part of it.

I won't tell you what they are now, write the letter first. The Work might seem strange at first but try it, I believe you will find it useful in understanding your reactions. You never know after doing it, you might find you want to talk to him after all!

[Jill]

Just do it!

Make a conscious decision to forgive him, and just forgive him. No need to tell him or anyone else.

You'll feel freer than you ever have!

But you have to really truly forgive him, not just say you are.

Good luck!

[Alison Jenkins]

The letter is something I would also recommend.

The other thing try to look at it that your father is UNABLE to ...... rather than chooses not to. So your father is unable to praise you for your achievements - I'm almost certain this has absolutely nothing to do with you but is his issue. Deep down it probably triggers feelings of jealousy, anger at himself etc

This is your life so don't halt it for others. What difference will it make to your father if you halt your career? Will it help him to find work? No the only thing that will do that is if he looks for work himself.

Alison

[pianoperformer]

What good will it do for you if you remain angry?

None? Then choose to forgive him.

It won't affect him either way, and it will only hurt you if you remain angry.

If you still can't, then you will have to talk to him. don't think of it as a confrontation, because that is a you vs him mentality, and will make you defensive. Instead, voice your opinion respectfully, then be quiet and listen to what he has to say as well.

[joco]

Thanks guys,

Holistic Star, I tried what you suggested and wrote the letter. Then I googled Byron Katie. I still have quite a way to go on the four questions, but I wanted to say that it was weird how one thought started and then ended completely differently.

Although Byron doesn't suggest writing a letter, I think it is a good first step for anyone wanting to try the four questions because it helps to bring up all your thoughts and emotions on the issues you want to confront beforehand.

I feel very positive about this process and I recommend that anyone going through inner turmoil should give it a go.

[GrowWear]

My mother is the same way. I came to terms with our relationship like this: She is who she is: negative, jealous, loves me (in her own weird way , has never questioned her existence and isn't ready to do so, nothing I do will ever please her... The point is to look the relationship in the eye. Ask yourself what are you going to do about it. I chose to love her anyway and to let her be who she is. That's forgiveness. I chose to disqualify her opinion of me. In other words, how I feel about myself is the gospel -- not how she tries to make me feel about myself. Joco, best wishes on your journey. Love.