I need help with husband

[tami2102]

I am not a perfect wife and i have made some choices in the last year to make my husband want to leave, but he never did. Then he says he forgave me for what I have done, yet he still brings it up. I was told to give up all my friends who were guys and I dont talk to my girlfriends as much as i use to. We have two kids who are 17 years old and 12 years old. They are doing ok with it but not really. Another thing with my husband is out of the blue four weeks ago he tells me he has a girl who is his friend and will be his friend regardless of what me or her husband think. That hurt so bad after he told me to get rid of my friends. He has totally been ignoring me and sneaking around I feel to visit her. She has wrote to me and said she is not going to be a homewrecker but i feel she is just by not stopping the talking to my husband whether he contacts her or not. If there is anyone who can help me becuase i am in fear of loosing him or loosing my mind. I am going to counseling but it is so hard for me to get over this. Please help me.....

[Angela]

Your husband hasn't forgiven you. He is holding onto his pain and he is punishing you.

So what's your next right action? You could ask him what it would take for him to really forgive you; that is, to grant you the freedom to be exactly who you are and exactly who you are not, to take your word that you are committed to your relationship and to make a choice to trust you (that's all trust is - a choice), and to make a similar commitment to you and your relationship. I would ask him if he's willing to do that. Then you can make your choice: are you willing to do what he asks, and are you willing to hold him to his word?

If he's not willing or you're not willing, it's time to let each other go with love. If you're both willing, then invite him to some of your counseling sessions!

p.s... the fact that this woman wrote to you saying she wouldn't wreck your home pretty much indicates what she and your husband are up to, don't you think?

[robc]

Originally Posted by tami2102

I am not a perfect wife and i have made some choices in the last year to make my husband want to leave, but he never did. Then he says he forgave me for what I have done, yet he still brings it up. I was told to give up all my friends who were guys and I dont talk to my girlfriends as much as i use to. We have two kids who are 17 years old and 12 years old. They are doing ok with it but not really. Another thing with my husband is out of the blue four weeks ago he tells me he has a girl who is his friend and will be his friend regardless of what me or her husband think. That hurt so bad after he told me to get rid of my friends. He has totally been ignoring me and sneaking around I feel to visit her. She has wrote to me and said she is not going to be a homewrecker but i feel she is just by not stopping the talking to my husband whether he contacts her or not. If there is anyone who can help me becuase i am in fear of loosing him or loosing my mind. I am going to counseling but it is so hard for me to get over this. Please help me.....

Infidelity in this marriage is an issue, your husband doesn't trust you to be with other men and he's trying to enforce some rules that are only applicable to you although they aren't applicable to him. It seems like he wants to take back control and get even which is very unfortunate - it sounds like he is still hurt by whatever happened and wants to get even with you in a similar way. The fact that this woman friend of his tells you that she isn't going to be a homewrecker pretty much implies the opposite: people who have to explain themselves aren't entirely comfortable with what they're doing.

Truthfully the only one who can help you is you. The counselling is the right step in the right direction. Maybe identifying what your husband wasn't giving you in the marriage that made you seek out something from someone else but then made you come back to the marriage. Have you apologized? And by apologizing I don't mean explaining what you did either. Have you sat him down and told him: "I'm sorry for what I did to you, I have no reason to have done this to you and any reason I could come up with can't defend what I've done, I know I hurt you and I know that you don't trust me anymore. I hope I can earn your trust back some day because I do love you and it's what I want for us"

Don't offer any explanations or excuses for what you've done, excuses don't explain and explanations don't excuse. Maybe he's been an a _ _ hole for a very long time or maybe he's not very affectionate with you and maybe he doesn't provide you with the physical intimacy you require on a regular basis or maybe you just argue alot and you were looking for a break from that. In the end, they all may be valid reasons to you for what you've done but if you look at things from his point of view, none of them will be valid and that's why you can't give him any explanation that will make it better to him. In fact, he may turn around and say that you've been all of these things & more to him during your marriage.

The only thing that can really bring back trust in a relationship after an extra marital affair is consistency of action. You want to bring back trust in this relationship, do what you say you're going to do. Be faithful, be his wife, be the best person you can be in this relationship, be 100% of this relationship right now.

But.... are you strong enough to be this person? What if your husband gets his revenge on you by doing the same thing you did to him? Will you call it quits? Are you holding him to a higher standard than yourself? You want him to stay in this relationship even though you did what you did. Will you stay in the relationship if he goes ahead and does the same thing? Is it ok for you to make mistakes but not ok for him?

Continue with the counselling. Apologize for what you've done and offer no explanations. Ask him for forgiveness and be genuine about it. For the time being, cut contact with your male friends but you're doing no one any favors by cutting contact with your female friends - what does that accomplish? You need friends at this point for support and for someone to talk to. Your husband probably doesn't want to talk to you too much during this period of time. Do you really love him? Or are you just afraid of losing the marriage? It's an honest question that you should probably ask yourself.

In the end realize that you hurt him, and when you hurt someone you love, you've done alot of damage to the trust in the relationship and it's going to take alot of effort on YOUR part to build that trust again. Do you have it in you to do most of the work? It seems like it will be an uphill battle, not many people can stick it through. I'm not saying it's impossible, I'm just saying that alot of people give up easily, I guess you have to determine what kind of person you are: are you like alot of people or are you different. Thus far you've acted like alot of people but change is always possible, you wouldn't be participating in a personal development website forum if you didn't believe that. If you need one person to say that you can do it, I'll say it, "You can do it", now you have to say it to yourself and believe it - the rest is up to you.

Let us know how this works out.

[Alison Jenkins]

It takes time for people to come to terms with things but it is possible if both parties are willing, however don't expect it to occur within weeks or months. Trust has to be rebuilt and this takes time.

Have you resolved the issues that caused you to look outside your marriage? Keep up with the counselling to support you through this time. Good communication is essential

Alison