Is your spouse supposed to be #1?

[SmartAlx]

I was talking to one of my girl-friends and I mentioned that the number one person in your life should be your spouse. She totally disagreed with me and I was flabberghasted. I think that if you don't put your spouse above everyone else then your marriage is unhealthy. There is a word for ita actually. It's called emotional adultery. But I'm still curious about what the people here think.

If you are/were married, do/would you put your spouse first? Is that person the most important person in your life? Do you think that it's okay if other people don't put their spouse first?


EDIT: Oh, and by putting them first, I mean after you. (We'll save that for another day.)

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

First, I would ask who she thought should be first? Was she saying you should put yourself first? Or your family of origin or what?

I personally would put my spouse in a place of honor, after I had provided for my own well-being. But I am not sure the extent of what you mean when you say put your spouse first.

[Angela]

What works for me in living a life I love is making my well-being my number one priority, and Danger Man's comes next. You've got to put your own oxygen mask on first or you're not able to support anyone else.

Do you think that's what your girlfriend was saying?

[jawillie]

After being with my spouse for 10 years, married 4 of those years, I can honestly say we do not put each other "first"... we are respectful and we honor each other without being all-consumed with each other. There are times he says, "I need this." And there are times I say, "I need this." And sometimes that means the other puts their needs on hold. We also do some things separately at times. There are also times I need to put my family or my career or my health or my spirituality "first."

So, no... I do not feel it is healthy to put your spouse first 100% of the time. I feel it is quite unhealthy, actually.

To me, marriage is like a dance, not putting someone "above all else" up on their pedestal.

[SmartAlx]

Originally Posted by Angela

What works for me in living a life I love is making my well-being my number one priority, and Danger Man's comes next...

...Do you think that's what your girlfriend was saying?

Nope. We were talking about relationships.

And she is my girl friend, not my girlfriend.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

And she is my girl friend, not my girlfriend.

oh, you edited your OP. So, what's the problem? your girl friend can find a spouse that shares her feelings, and you can find one who shares yours. Is one of you right and the other wrong?

[SmartAlx]

Originally Posted by jawillie

To me, marriage is like a dance, not putting someone "above all else" up on their pedestal.

That's interesting. Do you dance? I've been partner dancing and philosophizing about dance and its relationship to life and relationships for years. I go out dancing at least 3 times a week. And what I have found is that you HAVE to put your partner first. You can use partner dancing to teach healthy human relationships because it is the strongest metaphor for reality and relationships in the world.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

And what I have found is that you HAVE to put your partner first.

uh-oh. Jawillie is wrong, too?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

you HAVE to put your partner first

Why do you feel that is so? Can you provide examples of what you mean or why you feel this is so important?

[Sanity Panda]

Normally I'd agree but there would be lots of situations that don't reflect this...

a) Children
b) Family members
c) Assuming hetrosexual, a male best friend.
d) " ", female friendships that are not romantic.

In my eyes. A spouse would be your closest friend but I don't think that neccessary means that they are #1 in your life. It sort of creates a narrow space, and I'm happy to have a general area of important people that ranking orders.

[SmartAlx]

In answer to your questions:

Emotional Adultery (google)

Wikipedia: Emotional affair

Originally Posted by Wikipedia

Inappropriate emotional intimacy. The partner being unfaithful may spend inappropriate or excessive time with someone of the opposite or same gender (time not shared with the faithful partner). He or she may confide more in their new “friend” than in their partner and may share more intimate emotional feelings and secrets with their new partner than with their existing spouse. Any time that an individual invests more emotionally into a relationship with someone besides their partner the existing partnership may suffer.

Peter Fox links to this essay which quotes:

Moultrup (1990) defines an extramarital affair as "a relationship between a person and someone other than his [sic] spouse that has an impact on the level of intimacy, emotional distance, and overall dynamic balance in the marriage" (p. 11).

-Moultrup, David J. (1990). Husbands, Wives & Lovers . New York: Guilford Press.

[Ree]

I have to chime in here and say I also don't feel it's healthy to put one person above yourself and everyone else in your life. That would lead to a martyr-type existence and sooner or later that's gonna get real old.

I also don't think it's healthy to demand that your spouse put your number one in his/her life. There are so many circumstances that arise during the course of a lifetime you can't begin to think of them all, but sooner or later one is going to arise that will get in your way of being number one and that's not gonna make for a happy camper.

[jawillie]

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

That's interesting. Do you dance? I've been partner dancing and philosophizing about dance and its relationship to life and relationships for years. I go out dancing at least 3 times a week. And what I have found is that you HAVE to put your partner first. You can use partner dancing to teach healthy human relationships because it is the strongest metaphor for reality and relationships in the world.

Hey, whatever works for you.

I actually AM married and I am just saying no, we don't put each other "first" all the time. BUt, if that will work for you when you are married, that's great!!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I think there is a difference between not putting your spouse first above all things and emotional adultery. One doesn't necessarily lead to another.

But, if you feel it's very important to put your spouse first above all others, then do so and be sure to marry someone who agrees with you.

[JimOfferman]

My #1 and #2 spots are already taken, so at best I can offer my partner the #3 slot. If that's not good enough for her, she should find another partner. Take it or leave it, hun!

As for dancing, at least one person has to put the other second. One leads, one follows. Being the gentleman, I usually take the lead. At the extreme end, I've had the wonderful opportunity to dance some Tango Argentina with Rose... I can tell you, it's pretty awe inspiring when someone is willing to put the complete control of her body in someone else's hands (specially when that someone is a powerful force, like Rose is). Having said that, there is one lady whose power struggles I will tolerate - but only because we manage to have crazy fun on the dance floor with our little turf wars.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

My #1 and #2 spots are already taken

You and Carl, is it?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

You and Carl, is it?

No, Carl died because I failed to water him with any sort of regularity

#1 is me, #2 is my music, which is just more of me I suppose... so in a way, I find myself so important that I need to take up two spots! HAH!

[SmartAlx]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

As for dancing, at least one person has to put the other second. One leads, one follows. Being the gentleman, I usually take the lead. At the extreme end, I've had the wonderful opportunity to dance some Tango Argentina with Rose... I can tell you, it's pretty awe inspiring when someone is willing to put the complete control of her body in someone else's hands (specially when that someone is a powerful force, like Rose is). Having said that, there is one lady whose power struggles I will tolerate - but only because we manage to have crazy fun on the dance floor with our little turf wars.

But don't you see that as a leader you must put your partner first? If you don't do everything for your partner, you end up bumping her into other people, making her do moves she's not ready for, and you could hurt her. Every decision you make on the dance floor, considerations that involve her need to be the first filter the decision passes through.

Rather than...
Oh this move is fun
let me see if we have the space to do it.
Ok great we have the space, but oh, but she doesn't like that move

You should do this:
Oh this move is fun
but she doesn't like the move

See how you wasted time in the first one?

She needs to be the FIRST consideration. Which means that you do put her FIRST.


She must also also put herself in your hands or she will be an awful follower, giving herself to your will. So she puts you first. But of course she doesn't completely submit. She has responsibility too. She doesn't have to do the move I lead if she can see that it's going to make her run into someone. No one is the absolute god on the dance floor. We are partners, working together. (And that is how we should live with out significant others.)

And as a leader you must follow your follower too. Even in Tango Argentina. (I'm learning that as we speak.) The only thing is that she doesn't actively lead you, unless she hijacks, and that can be fun but it is a special case. She doesn't decide for you. She may decide for herself whether or not to accept your invitation to do a move, but she (rarely) decides for you. That's a lead. The leader decides what the follower does. The follower decides how to do it.

[SmartAlx]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

#1 is me, #2 is my music, which is just more of me I suppose... so in a way, I find myself so important that I need to take up two spots! HAH!

In a way, but how many guys put their sports cars, other hobbies, or their jobs before their wives? Similar situation. Is your music your work? Some women put their children before their husbands.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

No, Carl died because I failed to water him with any sort of regularity

I hope you find a very hearty woman.

[Rose of Cairo]

I put at least three things above my partner:
#1: me. If I'm not doing well, I cannot help anyone else, on the contrary, so my first job is to make sure I'm happy.
#2: my purpose. This includes all activities, projects and people associated with fulfilling my purpose.
#3: the cat.

I haven't thought about this ranking further than for #1, 2 and 3, so I guess my partner is at best #4. But maybe there's some more above him, like my values? Living accordingly to my values is definitely more important than my relationship. Or are my values already part of #1 or #2? Hmmm....

Thanks for starting this thread, you're making me think of that now.

Jim:

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

That's a lead. The leader decides what the follower does. The follower decides how to do it.

Yes. But in my mind that's the leader putting himself (or herself for that matter) first and the follower second.

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

In a way, but how many guys put their sports cars, other hobbies, or their jobs before their wives? Similar situation. Is your music your work?

No. It's much more than just work.

Originally Posted by Angela

I hope you find a very hearty woman.

Me too!