No Peace with this Surname

[freestate]

Hello Smart people!


I'd like to share a problem I've been having in the hope that I can reach some new clarity and confidence. Maybe even get a few actionable items out of it. I've been meaning to post about this for a while, but now I'm finally articulating the problem.

To begin, I never really liked my last name. By the time I entered middle school, it was my de-facto nickname, the nickname being used by people I didn't want to be around anyway.

Over the years, I have observed a change in myself. Gradually I have come to realize more and more how much I despise my surname, the way its spelled, how it sounds, and what it means. I still love my family, but not the name itself. Today, I cringe to even say it and try to avoid the topic of my last name. I really go out of my way so that people don't find out. Am I screwed up or what?

Steve's article How to Make Smart Decisions in Less Than 60 Seconds really affected me, and I began applying the idea of "Is this me?" to many areas of my life. I realized that somehow, my surname was the completely out of alignment to what I consider my soul's identity.

To Be Empowered

I realize that many people will probably read this and think "so what, a name isn't important", but to me, it reflects my true identity; and in my experience a name has the power to give power to the recipient every time it is heard, or take power away. I feel as if I have a disempowering name right now. I seek to find an empowering name. I also see choosing a surname for myself as an act of rebirth.

I've already looked into how to change it, and understand the method of how an American adult can change their name. This thread isn't about the method, it's about dealing with this problem.

Blasphemous Rumors

Am I being completely selfish and stupid if I want to change my surname? I've considered my extended family and I wonder if they'll give me hell about changing my name from a name that none of them seem to have a problem with. But let's face it, they're not the most "awake" people...

Another main problem is I seem to have a fear that, when I change it I'll be afraid to explain to people why I changed my name. Perhaps my subconscious mind is afraid of judgement? Apparently some people take changing a surname as a sign that you're trying to distance yourself from your family, but it's not like that at all.

And finally, I wonder what will become of degrees and other documents that have my old name on them.

Outside Myself

I step outside of myself, and in a strange way, I find my stupid little problems like a rubics cube to solve. I deeply appreciate any suggestions from smart/wise people about how to deal with some of these fears I've found within me. I just want to feel good about every part of my identity. I realize, as the Dalai Llama says, that most problems originate within myself, but I cannot find peace with this name. Am I being selfish and stupid if I change my surname?

Have any of you changed your surname before? (besides marriage)


This is just a summary of the storm in my head.
Thank you for listening.

[Pegasus]

Hello, freestate!

Two random thoughts:
1 There was a Saturday Night Live skit on this recently, a very bad skit!
2. I assume that you are a guy; men get referred to by their last names more frequently than women.

You might find this thread helpful: My Name, my identity . The topic is about first names rather than last names.

Assuming you go through with this, odds are that your family will be offended. If you are adamant about changing your name, one option would be to take a name that is already in your family history. Even then, you will probably offend someone by having to choose between your mother’s side of the family and your father’s side of the family. Another idea is to find a name that means the same thing in another language. But I see that you wrote that you didn’t like the meaning of your current name either. So do you have an idea of what to change your surname to? That would be the obvious next step. Then the rest is a matter of doing the legal paperwork. Good luck with your follow-through!

[Mags]

I used to know a woman who changed her name (not as a result of marriage - she just felt that her old name didn't match who she had become and wanted one that did reflect who she had grown into). She changed both her first name and surname simultaneously.

She invited her friends and family around for a name change ceremony (not the legal paperwork, that was all done separately - this was a symbolic ceremony). I don't know exactly what her family thought of her decision, but she felt supported and loved throughout, and there didn't seem to be any major fall-outs.

As for your degrees etc, I assume it's the same as it is for those of us who changed our names when we got married... every now and then you have to show your marriage certificate (in your case, it would be the official document you get indicating your name change) in addition to the degree, so that they can see the reason for the difference. It depends on the situation though - I very rarely have to do this any more.

I think you need to do what feels right for you to do, rather than worrying about others' reactions. Christine Kane recently did a great blog post about how other people follow our energy cues - maybe you want to get clear on why you're doing this, and what your expectations are out of it, so that others can follow your cues of love and respect for yourself.

Remember that your name is not who you are. It is a handy identification device for use in this world, and as such you are perfectly entitled to choose a name for yourself that you like and enjoy. But ultimately... you are far more than your name

[Brutha]

Changing your name probably won't help you.
If you change it you will find something else to worry about.

I just want to feel good about every part of my identity. I realize, as the Dalai Llama says, that most problems originate within myself, but I cannot find peace with this name.

Learn to feel good about yourself.
You shouldn't make your feeling depended on your name. Find your peace in yourself. You can't find it anywhere else.

[Angela]

Listen, language is one of the powerful ways we create our reality. If you are referring to yourself by a word that causes you to cringe, that's creating something very real -- embarassment, resistance, who knows what else you're generating.

The name is not making you unhappy. Your response to it is -- and the tendency you have to grow your unhappy response like kudzu. The way I see it is, it would be a huge growth opportunity for you to alter your response to your name: to let go of suffering around it, to accept it, and to generate something that works better (like humor, maybe?). If it were me, I would seek first to generate something that works and most importantly to be accepting, and then take my next right action, which might very well be to change my name.

If you "react", though, and just change your name without practicing powerfully altering your reality, odds are you're going to take your suffering with you. You'll be defensive and embarassed every time someone asks you why you changed your name, and at every family gathering you'll feel the rancor of the rest of the Buttock family.

If you can get to a point where being a Buttock doesn't bother you, maybe even gives you some pleasure in some way, you'll then be sitting pretty. When you introduce yourself as Freestate Backbone, and someone says, "didn't you used to be a Buttock?", you'll be able to laugh, stand tall, and reply, "Yes, in the past I was called Buttock, and now I find Backbone better reflects the future I'm committed to stepping into. Thanks for asking, Mr. Smallcock!"

[veranadine]

Hi freestate,

I don't agree that changing your name won't help you.

Names have a distinct numerological value based on the letters contain in them.

They also carry another energetic value, based on language, especially if they are related to a real word that people attach meanings to. (ie: Woodcock, Longbottom)

Many people who have made great changes, or overcome great suffering, in their lives will do something meaningful to commemorate it.

Quite often this "something meaningful" is seen as something that is downright weird, or crazy, to those who have not had the other person's experiences. (ie. tattoos, piercings, moving across the world, quitting a job, dyeing your hair lime green)

So my advice would be: if you truly believe with all of your heart that this would be a positive change for you, and that you can handle any flack from your family, then do it. But take your time in choosing your new name.

Do research into its numerological meaning when combined with your first and middle names. You can use free online numerology generators to check the "basics." But DO PURCHASE a full name meaning report before taking the final legal step.

Be aware that, in terms of the energy surrounding you, it takes anywhere from three to five years for the vibration of your old name to fade completely and the new vibration to be drawn towards you.

In changing my last name I had to go through every old file in my PC and remove and replace the old name, as well as shredding old bills, business cards etc., before the energetic shift finally took effect.

As for your degrees, submitting to the universities a copy of a new drivers license or a notarized letter from the courts showing your new name, plus a minor fee for each degree, will be all you need to do to get a new copy of it with your new name.

I hope that this helps!

Blessings,

[Ree]

Hi Freestate, I agree that if you want to change your name, you should do so. I've been in the legal field for years and I've helped a number of folks change their names. In the past one could do it oneself with the help of the local Clerk of Court. Recently however with the arrival of Homeland Security and other issues you will require the assistance of an attorney. (True in most states. There may be some states that haven't changed their procedures but I doubt it.)

My experience has been that people change their names for a wide variety of reasons and no one ever came back and wanted to change their name BACK again, that's for sure!

Its such a personal issue. In fact I don't think you can get more personal than someone's name. My opinion is that only YOU can make the decision. And you should definitely do what will make you truly happy!

[Dave Kaminski]

I'm going to side with Ree in that if you feel like you want to change it - go for it.

You should not have to stay feeling oppressed by something someone else forced upon you. Letting go of your name may allow you to see there are other things you want to, and can, let go of.

[Cran]

I feel with you... my name has in German some very not-so-pleasant meanings (it includes "Schweiss" which means sweat, but is als very similar to the German word for sh..., just leave the w out...).

As I do not plan to marry and will be likely be stuck with that name, I think of changing it, too. But this is no easy procedere over here, you need to tell them why you want to change your name, they decide if it is vaild AND you get to pay for it.

But perhaps my stepfather will daopt me... that would save some hassel.

[freestate]

Well I apologize that I've abandoned this thread for a few weeks. Thank you all so much for your advice and support! You're the only people I feel I can turn to with this problem. I really appreciate it.


Pegasus, Yes I'm a guy.


Mags, interesting to have a ceremony. Thanks for the encouragement.


Angela, sounds like a good idea to let go of suffering around it. How do I reach a point where having the "buttock" name doesn't bother me? I don't want remain defensive forever. I loved your quote at the end: "Yes, in the past I was called Buttock, and now I find Backbone better reflects the future I'm committed to stepping into. Thanks for asking, Mr. Smallcock!" Thank you so much for that. I will use that line "better reflects the future I'm committed to stepping into", that's EXACTLY how I feel!


veranadine, thank you for the advice! Yes I have been mentally "trying on" different names for a while now. I definitely take my time with a change like this, and to be completely honest I've already removed my last name from almost every digital document. I realize that names carry a "vibe" with them, but I don't see it practical to spend hundreds of dollars to have the Kabalarians run my name thru their proprietary software, the results of which are not able to be cross referenced.

However, what's the best way to use NumberQuest.com? Just enter all 3 names and see if their resulting values are similar?


Cran, thanks for sharing that story! It's good to know I'm not alone.

[Alexjstrandberg]

You aren't a name any more than you are a body or your thoughts. it doesn't matter one bit what your last name is or what it rhymes with. Lessen your attachment of names, titles and what others think of you and it wont matter anymore.

[freestate]

Hi. I realize I am not my name, but Vera and Angela are right when they talk about how names have an energetic signature to them. (Or as some sources would say "vibratory sound complex" ) I'm a very sensitive person and I feel the energy associated with every word.

I've been reflecting more about what Angela said recently. I think it's going to be a challenge to change how I feel about my current name, but I'm going to keep that intention in mind.

However, I've been thinking about how my extended family will react to a name change. Confusion, perhaps anger. I can do my best to calmly explain it, but in my family, I have a bad feeling I'll be shot down.

So I've put myself in a lose-lose situation. If things stay the way they are, I'll never feel comfortable. Sure it's easy to say "names aren't important" but you aren't me. It's like I'm wearing a piece of clothing that doesn't fit, and I can't go the rest of my life in this rag. On the other hand, I'm somewhat terrified of how my family will react. How can I let go of being afraid of my family's reactions?

Perhaps in the end, I decided to be born into this family to learn some lessons about courage and letting go. Because recently I've realized how much I allow their opinion to matter. Is my life even mine?

My current name just seems out of alignment with who I am.

I think about Steve and how he dropped Catholicism to pursue greater truth. I suppose that took bigger balls than what I'm doing. After all, your family doesn't think you're going to hell when you die if you change your name! Haha.

[Holistic Star]

I understand completely what you are saying. I never liked my last name growing up. Nothing wrong with it, it just didn't feel like me.

Even when I was little I would regularly read books of names and make lists of what I would like to change my name to!

I also never use my first name in full. I use a version and spelling of it that I like even at work.

I changed my last name when I got married to my husbands name which I much prefer. It feels so much more like me. (If had liked my last name I would have kept it on marriage).

However unless you are thinking of marrying soon and changing to your wife's name you don't have that option right now. However changing your name legally is a relatively simple process, although a lot of faff with paperwork with banks etc! I only changed a few things then got caught when I had cheques in my new name and wanted to pay them into a bank account which was still in my old name and the bank wouldn't accept them.

Do you have a middle name? E.g. could you drop say 'Stanley Michael Buttock' to become 'Stanley Michaels'?

I also know a couple who on marriage decided that they didn't want to take either of their last names as a family name and so both changed their names to that of their favourite hotel, so they are now Mr and Mrs St John.

I agree with Angela it's about the inside job that you need to do too, about both accepting your reaction to that name and with your families reaction too. Changing your name is a weird experience. Even though I really like my new name it took a while to adjust. I remember being a doctors surgery and they were calling for Mrs X and I wasn't responding because I didn't realise they meant me!

[Holistic Star]

I just tried my new name in the link provided:

I burst out laughing when it says that:


"Designer clothing of the highest quality is certainly your preference. You always dress for success."

Er... no.



I wouldn't take it as gospel truth...

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by Dave Kaminski

I'm going to side with Ree in that if you feel like you want to change it - go for it.

You should not have to stay feeling oppressed by something someone else forced upon you. Letting go of your name may allow you to see there are other things you want to, and can, let go of.

I agree.

Your name is a label for your avatar here on earth. You can change it if you'd like.

My legal name is Stephen, but I prefer the name Steve, so I use that instead. My parents pronounce our last name as Pav-Lye-Nah, but I switched to the original Czech pronounciation Pav-Lee-Nah.

[MyEyeIsOpen]

My wife and I are changing our names to something entirely different, and I fully expect guff from my family, but I don't mind, they'll get over it. Family is about emotional connection, not tribal affiliation.

[ns123]

One of my very dear friends had a last name that was truly not good. Her dad used to get beat up and teased for that last name. But he kept it.

When she was born, he decided to change the last name to something else. But she was known as Buttocks for a while, and I didn't know this. When I saw an old baby picture saying Jane Buttocks on it, I asked her what Buttocks was about. She told me the story.

It made perfect sense to me.

I myself am a foreigner. My foreign name is very beautiful and poetic (in my native language) but I also have a cute nickname that my parents called me when I was little. It is much easier to pronounce.

Because my beautiful poetic name is foreign, people never know how to pronounce it, they kept butchering it up, so I simply changed to use my nickname instead. On paper (legally) I still use my more difficult to pronounce name. I keep it because my grandfather gave me that name before he died, when I was 4 months old, he loved me so. So I keep it for him. But everyone knows me by my nickname.

If your family has a problem with it, well, it's their problem. You can choose to help them with this problem, or you can choose to just say, "sorry, your problem, moving on."

If you don't like Buttocks, just change it. If my name was Smallcock, I definitely would change it. Even though I don't have a ****, I'd rather not be referred to having a small one.

[Bruce Achterberg]

Ooh, pick me.

I also say my name differently to how it technically should be said. (My surname, that is.)

"Achterberg" should be said in a way that I don't quite know how to replicate with letters.

So I say it as "Ac-ter-berg."

When I say it, I actually do use the "h" to sort of soften the "c" so it doesn't sound like I'm saying, "aak!", but otherwise, that pronunciation holds up.

You could say I optimised it to this pronunciation because it was easier for both me and other people to say and spell out. Since that's mostly what I do with my surname--have other people say it, say it myself, or have it spelled out--I figure it makes sense to prounounce it in a way that's actually effective and not inefficient.

If you want to change your name, sure, why not. Personally I wouldn't opt to do that myself, but then, I'm not you. I used to say that names are of little importance when I was younger, and while that came from a different mindset than the one I have now, the informational aspect of it still holds up. Your name is merely a label for you. If you don't like your label, much like if you don't like a shirt you're wearing, by all means, change it.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

I agree.

Your name is a label for your avatar here on earth. You can change it if you'd like.

My legal name is Stephen, but I prefer the name Steve, so I use that instead. My parents pronounce our last name as Pav-Lye-Nah, but I switched to the original Czech pronounciation Pav-Lee-Nah.

That's rich! Did you consider naming your daughter Delores?

Oh, I am sooo sorry for my sense of humor.........

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by Angela

That's rich! Did you consider naming your daughter Delores?

Oh, I am sooo sorry for my sense of humor.........

Actually we didn't name our kids... not really.

We asked each of our kids what they wanted to be named while they were still in the womb, so we let them pick their own names. When Erin and I both tuned in and "heard" the same name and then received a ton of synchronicities related to that name, it was hard to go against the child's wishes.

Personally neither of us preferred the names Emily and Kyle, but the kids seem to like their names well enough, so I guess it's good we let them choose.

[Angela]

That's great. My girlfriend Vicki did that, too, but her enwombed child wanted to be called "Succotash."

She got vetoed and ended up with "Stephanie."

[Steve Pavlina]

Originally Posted by Angela

That's great. My girlfriend Vicki did that, too, but her enwombed child wanted to be called "Succotash."

She got vetoed and ended up with &q