please help! (parent issues)

[blazer1]

My mother tells me that my father is having open fantasies about another married woman. Now at first, this started as a joke, where my dad would tease my mother by pretending to like this other girl. And now my mother says it has gotten to a point where my dad will wake my mother up at night, and tell vivid stories about him and this girl travelling to different places, doing specific things etc.

I think what started off as a joke, has snowballed into a habitual thought, in other words obsession.

I have not confronted my father about anything before, so I really dont know how to handle this. I can see my mother getting worried too.

My mother is always being compared to this other woman ... which pisses me off. My parents have been through some very violent and rough patches during my childhood (which has f*cked me too) ... and I think my dad has always resented having kids, a wife (arranged), and responsibility.

BUT, at the same time he has been a better father than most people. He has provided more than necessities, and he has shown much love towards his family. So it's kind of wrong for me to say he had resentment I suppose, but the feeling is there

He is a drinker, he drinks every night. (BTW I am 25) ... and i know from being a drug addict myself once, that doing stimulants everyday means you are trying to ease the burden of life, or escape from something.

So can someone please help me out with this one ... i know if this thought pattern continues in his mind, then it will have some harmful effects on him and the rest of my family.

I dont live with them anymore either, so I need fast and effective action.

[Alison Jenkins]

Blazer you are being dragged into an issue that is not really yours to deal with. Your mother needs to confide in someone who is not her child. Maybe your parents are playing games with each other, as many adults do. Your father may be trying to stir up jealousy over something that your mother may have done. You will never really know.

Your father seems to be drinking regularly and it sounds as though you are concerned about this. Does he know about Alcoholics Anonymous? There is also a support group called Al Anon for the family of alcoholics. They would help both you and your mother to live with the effects of your father's drinking, including the issue that you are facing now

Alison

[blazer1]

Originally Posted by Alison Jenkins

Blazer you are being dragged into an issue that is not really yours to deal with. Your mother needs to confide in someone who is not her child. Maybe your parents are playing games with each other, as many adults do. Your father may be trying to stir up jealousy over something that your mother may have done. You will never really know.

Your father seems to be drinking regularly and it sounds as though you are concerned about this. Does he know about Alcoholics Anonymous? There is also a support group called Al Anon for the family of alcoholics. They would help both you and your mother to live with the effects of your father's drinking, including the issue that you are facing now

Alison

The reason why I said I have been fcked up by domestics is because I have always been the emotional pillow for both my mum and dad. I have had to deal with their sh1t all my childhood - hearing about how my mother isn't up to par, how my father is guided by anger, about how my mother is stupid, about how my father is irrational.

You know, instead of growing up chasing girls and making friends in the playground, I was constantly thinking about my parents splitting up because they have not talked for so long (silent treatment is hell for a kid) .. I have had to worry about domestic violence etc ...

I was a submissive son because I figured angering my dad would only make him take it out on my mum ... so I studied, neglected social life, and became the 'ideal son' ... until i got into drugs and alcohol.

And because of this past ... I have never been in a relationship with a girl, I am terrified of girls ... so as much as I want to help them, I know I should not have to (you are right) ... but in the end, I will help them - because it is a standard which I have inadvertently set.

So given this history, I just need advice on how to tackle this problem .... its my duty in a way.
Outside help is no good (we are an ethnic family in a western world, they are different).

[Alison Jenkins]

If you stand back and look at your life, perhaps you can see that whatever you have tried has not helped to change the situation with your parents. Ultimately the only people we can change is ourselves and our reactions to situations.

As an adult now I wonder whether you would feel able to say to either parents that you are not prepared to listen to your other parent being spoken about in such a way. If they continue then leave the room or go home. By you setting boundaries and consistently sticking with them, you will force your parents to behave differently.

If you are unable to suggest group support could you go for individual help like counselling? Nobody needs to know that you are receiving help, particularly as there is online counselling available today thanks to technology.

Alison