Looking people in the eyes

[scottyp]

This is a real problem I have. When I talk to people I tend to have trouble looking them in the eye for more than a few seconds. This can make me appear agitated or nervous in a social situation. It's not that I am necessarily afraid or nervous, it just makes me uncomfortable. Does anyone have any tips or recommendations, as this is a quirk I would like to do away with.

[KeithHandy]

I sometimes find people's eyes to be distracting -- it's hard to stay focused on what I'm talking about because the "eye language" drowns it out. I'm not sure if this is similar to what you experience or not.

Best advice I can give you is to force yourself to look at their breasts instead, and over time this will become a regular habit. Try it!

[jonw]

did you ever ask yourself why you do this?

for most people, me including, it usually represents a minor lacking of self-confidence.

[Colm OReilly]

While there's probably a deeper issue relating to self confidence I'll address the eye contact issue.

You don't actually need to look people in the eyes for very long. There's two techniques that you can use to get better at this.

1. look at the point between their eyes. It will appear that you're looking at their eyes while avoiding the nervousness of head on, direct eye contact.

2. Look at one eye, at the pupil, long enough until you can spot the colour of their eye. After that, relax your gaze. Once you've relaxed your gaze, you're still facing them, but you're not looking into their eyes. It's friendly and relaxed, and it's the manner in which most people look at another's eyes.

You only really need to look someone in the eye at the start and end of every sentence/paragraph. This is where sincerity is conveyed.

Of course, work on your inner confidence!

Lots of love,
Colm

[Dating Specialist]

Perhaps you're too conscious that you need to look into people's eyes when talking to them? I realised that when one is too aware of certain thing, they tend to exert unwanted pressure on it, and hence the tendency to flub or get uncomfortable shoots up.

Why not remove that from your mind, and just tell yourself to relax, enjoy the person's company and be a good listener. While you are only concentrated in listening, you may actually be having that focused gaze on the person without you realising it!

[Susie]

I used to be the same way...it just takes practice...now it's no problem for me at all to make any amount of eye contact. Just start making an effort to do it more and it will get easier and easier until you don't even think about it anymore.

One other thing is instead of just a dead stare into someone's eyes you can shift your gaze from their left eye to their right and back, etc. Also like another poster said, you don't have to look into a person's eyes the entire time you're speaking with them, just the start and end of sentences is enough.

Good luck!

[Alvin]

Also keep in mind what intent you're holding as you're looking into another person's eyes. The eyes are the window to the soul; so I like to imagine myself broadcasting respect, empathy and friendship when I do this.

Here's an interesting article of someone who decided to test out looking people in the eye and the results he got out of it.

The eye contact changed all that…They didn’t know me, but then, suddenly, it seemed they did. I thought of it as a kind of dominance, holding them in the kind of invisible grip you might have once seen employed by a villain in a DC comic. I got discounts I didn’t deserve, a room facing the water. I was warned off the calamari and onto the crab cake. The desk clerk perked up when I arrived at the hotel and stood up straighter when I checked out.

The Invisible Grip (Esquire Magazine: Personal Finance) | SmartMoney.com

[shesaboutspirit]

I've found that when I become nervous about the eye contact...it's because my focus is on me...rather than them. So if I shift to really paying attention to what they're saying...I stop worrying about the eyes so much.

Looking into people's eyes is an art that takes time and sensitivity to develop. Not so much as to make them feel intruded upon, yet just enough so that they feel they're being seen.

another on of life's many dances...

Pam

[andrew]

I found that it can be too powerfull, that I see myself not doing it because I don't want to give them the wrong impression.

...annnddd sometimes I just puss out for no random reason.

[Epistis]

Originally Posted by Colm OReilly

While there's probably a deeper issue relating to self confidence I'll address the eye contact issue.

You don't actually need to look people in the eyes for very long. There's two techniques that you can use to get better at this.

1. look at the point between their eyes. It will appear that you're looking at their eyes while avoiding the nervousness of head on, direct eye contact.

2. Look at one eye, at the pupil, long enough until you can spot the colour of their eye. After that, relax your gaze. Once you've relaxed your gaze, you're still facing them, but you're not looking into their eyes. It's friendly and relaxed, and it's the manner in which most people look at another's eyes.

You only really need to look someone in the eye at the start and end of every sentence/paragraph. This is where sincerity is conveyed.

Of course, work on your inner confidence!

Lots of love,
Colm

I had this problem for a long time (It still sometimes causes me to be uncomfortable), but the techniques Colm described are precisely the ones that I used to overcome this.

I used to look at a person's mouth as they spoke, as it helped me better understand their meaning. (Although, this could cause one to feel like you're saying "You got purdy lips.") One thing you must remember is that if you hold a steady gaze into one eye, stare directly into their pupil, their respect for you will rise. They will see that you are not afraid or nervous (even if you really are).

This is a world of actors, and if you want a good gig, you gotta play the part!

[duhshuh]

It's funny what people do with their eyes if you really pay attention... I started doing this a while back and every person has their own unique habits I guess you could say. Some people's eyes constantly twitch back and forth... others make constant eye contact. Most people seem to do different things depending on the situation as well.

Just my observations...

[Erki]

But what if I'm having a lengthy conversation with someone? Looking at someone's eyes for more than a minute or two seems quite..weird to me. And I can't look anywhere else? Or is it just a metter of gettign used to?

[JJP]

Originally Posted by Erki

But what if I'm having a lengthy conversation with someone? Looking at someone's eyes for more than a minute or two seems quite..weird to me. And I can't look anywhere else? Or is it just a metter of gettign used to?

Yeah, it is just a matter of getting used to it. It is fun actually, like duhshuh says, noticing all the various ways other people make eye contact. As a bonus, if you can manage to make really good contact and read people's eyes, it's almost like you are looking into their soul, and people will react in all sorts of great ways to that kind of connection.

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by Erki

But what if I'm having a lengthy conversation with someone? Looking at someone's eyes for more than a minute or two seems quite..weird to me. And I can't look anywhere else? Or is it just a metter of gettign used to?

Yes, that would be very weird, usually 2 secs is good for a friend, 3 or slightly more for that special someone you want to mesmerize

I like to vary it, talk, don't look, talk, don't look, talk, look and lock it so it really means something, talk, don't look, talk, don't look, etc.

[Steve Pavlina]

I used to have a serious problem making eye contact when I was a teenager. I realized I'd picked up the bad habit from my Dad. Once I became aware of it, I started feeling self-conscious about it, so I decided it was a habit I needed to change.

I set about to make conscious eye contact with people, and at first it felt extremely awkward and unnatural. It felt like I was peering into people's souls. But after several weeks, I got used to it. The new habit stuck, and I never looked back. Now it feels very unnatural not to make eye contact.

[pi11]

scottyp,
This could very well be a self confidence thing... but that is a very culturally derived diagnosis. That is how we perceive it in the west. See the wikipedia entry on eye contact and cultures.

If you don't feel that you lack self confidence, but still find yourself not maintaining eye contact... try to give this a try. Interact with people from the cultures where direct eye contact is considered offensive. Feel it out. Maybe you will feel more at home with that group.

Bottom line I want to convey is that these notions that "eyes are windows into the soul", etc are culturally derived ideas and are directly correlated to time and location. It isn't really bad or good to maintain eye contact!

(Yeah, I know its a crazy idea)