Problems between my wife and my dad

[sahba]

I'm in desperate need of help here. My wife and my dad don't get along because of things that happened before we got married. Things that when I heard were not my wife's fault. Well to make a long story short, my wife is not willing to go to my parents' house with me to visit them or is she willing to talk to them at all. She still loves my mom and she is willing to be around my mom, but the major issue is my dad. I'm stuck in the middle of the two and I don't know what to do. He gets mad when we don't go visit and I don't know what would happen even if we go over there.

I'm in a desperate need of advice here, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope with this situation. Please HELP.

Desperate in Vancouver

[MSC2471]

That's a tenuous situation for sure. I would explain the next time you visit your dad that you married your wife and that he may not necessarily be happy with the decision, but he has to at the very least be respectful enough around her as you should never have to make a decision choosing between one or the other. I've been there before and sometimes face it now, as my mom passed away a few years ago and my dad moved very quickly on to a new girlfriend.

He needs to know why she's hurt but I would not be a go between in this situation. Explain that if he wants her to come on these visits, he needs to talk it out with her, do not be the mediator as one or both parties will get hurt.

Let us know how things go.

Matt

[Alison Jenkins]

Could you go alone to visit your parents without your wife? That way you do not have to expose your wife to your Dad but you still have contact with your family

Alison

[Jennihul]

I hate drama queens. (It's tattoed on my arm.)

The first time I met my now husband's dad, before we were married, boyfriend said: "SO, did my Dad hit on you yet?" Not a good first impression, needless to say.

But the family was getting over a major upheaval at the time. I don't agree with his dad about most things. Our politics are polar opposites. He's weird with his new wife and new son. He's cocky and arrogant and whiney sometimes. Chauvenistic to be sure. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and unlike my sister-in-law who remains a drama queen about him, I actually enjoy the time we spend together and look forward to seeing him.

So if you are important to her, she needs to suck it up and be civil. More than civil. Or I'll tattoo "DRAMA QUEEN" on her forehead so everyone will know.

Jennifer

[Angela]

My feeling is that since you married your wife, she's your life partner, and your wisest priority lies in her well-being. Your dad and mom can make their well-being their highest priority, but your life partner's well-being should be highest on your list after your own.

If you agree, I would first assure my wife that she is most important in my view, and then I would ask her to brainstorm with me how the rift might be healed, coming from a totally on-her-side point of view but at the same time requesting that she be as open and generous as possible so that you can reach the best result.

Whatever you come up with, I think it's up to you to be firm with your dad in letting him know that you are with her -- unless he bends and works with you to ensure that he welcomes her into the family with generosity, love, freedom and good grace, you're going to stand by your wife despite your dad's wrath.

It's time to be a man -- the head of your family.