Need some input here

[garentee]

Hi All,
I have a friendship with a couple that has recently soured a bit. Ok actually a LOT. At any rate, Here is the scenario..This couple has always been quite negative in their thinking and I used to be right there with them. In the past few years or so I had noticed that whenever I had hung out with them I would spend the next few day digesting what went on while I was with these folks. More often than not I found the interactions laced with negativity. I could not really take hanging out with them too much. Since we are in a group of people who sell at a local farmers market I cannot realisticly (nor do I really want to) cut them off completely. this started to come to a head when I was called out on my avoidance of them for a period of about 6 weeks.. I was also completely overwhelmed with other events in my life. I was asked why I had been avoiding them for the past 6 weeks, and I was very honest (which I do strive to be) with them that I felt that they were too negative and that I was trying to not be so negative in my life. Yeah well that did not go over so well.. nor did I really expect it to.. and for that mater I was not actually expecting to be put on the spot like that. I was up front and honest and needless to say they did not like it. Since then I have had a very positive exchange with one of them and I think we are going to be OK. The other party is not willing to even acknowledge my presence. I am OK with this. I am allowing it to be this way because I understand why shes being that way. the truth of the matter is that my general feeling is that if someone is not willing to communicate there is no way to have a relationship. the door is always open, but it is not easy to jumpstart a dying relationship when one person is not willing to admit that the other exists. I have very been actively trying to remove items from my life that do not work and have found it very fruitful. I am willing to let this go if it has to be this way but I know that it does not have to be this way.

[Alison Jenkins]

Sounds as though you were trying to have positive influences around you rather than let people's negativity pull you down. I had to do this one person and I would do it again today even though we are no longer friends in the way we had been.

I've also done a similar thing about listening to the news as that would make me quite negative and I found it is enough to listen to the headlines on the radio rather than in depth discussions which leave me feeling negative.

Alison

[Akasha]

Surrounding yourself with positive energy is the smart thing to do. You can only benefit from it and so can the people around you. If the other person can't understand this, then it is their loss. Good luck! Blessed Be.

[Angela]

Well, you judged them and made them wrong. Are you surprised that they wouldn't feel so good about being around you after that?

If you're interested in having a relationship with these people, take 100% responsibility. Accept them exactly as they are and exactly as they are not, even if you don't condone their thinking or actions, and let go of making them wrong for their habitual negativity. Recognize that you've got plenty of habitual negativity, too -- you can't see it if you don't have it. Apologize to them for judging them, and commit to being the change you want to see in them, for yourself.

If you're not interested in having a relationship with them for whatever reason, including that you don't want to expose yourself to what they generate, I still recommend cleaning it up with them, and then letting them go with love. You'll feel better if you do.

[robc]

Originally Posted by Angela

Well, you judged them and made them wrong. Are you surprised that they wouldn't feel so good about being around you after that?

If you're interested in having a relationship with these people, take 100% responsibility. Accept them exactly as they are and exactly as they are not, even if you don't condone their thinking or actions, and let go of making them wrong for their habitual negativity. Recognize that you've got plenty of habitual negativity, too -- you can't see it if you don't have it. Apologize to them for judging them, and commit to being the change you want to see in them, for yourself.

If you're not interested in having a relationship with them for whatever reason, including that you don't want to expose yourself to what they generate, I still recommend cleaning it up with them, and then letting them go with love. You'll feel better if you do.

No matter what you think, you cannot have control over other people. You never have and you never will. Only by changing your own behavior will you cause other people you are with to change in the way you want them to, in the way that you can be happy with them and they can be happy with you. In fact they will not "change", they will only start exhibiting their "good" side: the one that has always been there, the one that attracted you to them and allowed your friendship to be formed in the first place. So, like with any other teamwork, you need to focus on what YOU can do and who YOU can be in and for this friendship.

I guess the easy way out is to cut your ties to them and don't have a friendship with them anymore. But you do this enough times in your life and you will be surrounded by no one, you won't have any friends at all. Be the best person you can be for yourself, make yourself a happy & positive person, make it shine around you, you really need to be cognizant (hope I spelled that correctly) of the power & ability within you. This isn't just applicable to friendships, this is applicable to relationships as well. People always complain my partner did this, my spouse is like that, etc. etc. You want a great relationship with anyone be it a friend, loved one, spouse, whoever? Be the great person you would want to be with yourself, exude happiness & tolerance & positivity. You will affect the people around you and they themselves will have no way to stop feeling good around you, it may take time and it may happen with a lot of or very little effort but it will work. If your friends are negative and say negative things, put a positive spin on everything, don't argue with them, agree with them on their viewpoints but add a twist to everything, ex. "yes things are really bad in this area, I agree with you but wouldn't it be nice if it could be like this, I wonder what it would take?" Plant the seed of positivity & happiness within you and you will plant it in the people around you. Walk around with a smile on your face and a song in your heart and really believe it.

All I can say from personal experience is that this truly is the way to go, be happy for yourself first and watch how you can actually affect other people with the positivity in your life.

Don't focus on the negative, dwell on the positive of everything.

Good luck.

[Angela]

Right on, Robc. One more thing: people might be negative about your relentless positivity.

I find that to be a very funny phenomenon. "What are you so f***ing happy about? Don't you know people are starving? Are you blind to the suffering of others?!? Stop being so naive!" And then your choice may be: do I cave in and be who people want me to be, or do I keep my word to myself and be who I want to be?

[garentee]

Thank you for your kind words... In my original post I stated that I had a positive exchange with one of them. I know it will be ok with him.. We were both very open and honest and I did tell him that I would work with them on this. It is not ok with his wife though. Thus somewhat of a conundrum. She literally would not acknowledge my very being. I realize I was the one who put them in the wrong and I do take full responsibility for that.. and I did when I had talked with Mr C. I am willing to work with them I want to be their friend and I think what I am beginning to learn is that maybe being blunt with honesty is too much for a lot of people. That is my problem. I have spent an awful lot of time trying to be a lot less negative in my dealings with myself and the world and sometimes it is good to prune a few branches on the tree of life that do not provide fruit. It happens in nature all of the time and we are part of nature, and I do like to live as though I am part of the bigger picture.
I fully appreciate that I pretty much attacked them for their negativity, but at times the honest and brutal truth is what forces people to look at themselves deeply and can actually plant the seeds of healing. I do plan on making overtures to these folks. They are far from bad people, They just happen to have some habits that affect their relationship with me. I know I am 50% of the relationship and I made the choice to voice what was sure to be an unpopular opinion. I do not think it was wrong. It just is.

[robc]

Meant to say, I would say never cave in (can't edit the title, sorry for the typo)...

Originally Posted by Angela

Right on, Robc. One more thing: people might be negative about your relentless positivity.

I find that to be a very funny phenomenon. "What are you so f***ing happy about? Don't you know people are starving? Are you blind to the suffering of others?!? Stop being so naive!" And then your choice may be: do I cave in and be who people want me to be, or do I keep my word to myself and be who I want to be?

Caving in would mean changing yourself to make someone happy and that doesn't work long term. Your needs won't be satisfied and you will always feel lack in your life and look negatively at the people that you are changing for because they aren't reciprocating back to you what you are giving them.

Be happy for yourself, first & foremost. Keep your word to yourself and be who you want to be.

And yes they may actually say "what are you so !@#$% happy" (pardon my french) but that's ok, keep smiling. Hopefully after a while of being so blatantly happy, humorous and smiling in their face constantly, they'll just crack and smile back - and when they do, that's the first sign that they're finally giving in and they don't know how or why, it just happens.

As per the last post by Garentee just above this, I wouldn't say you're just 50% of the relationship. Look at it this way, you are 100% of the relationship from your point of view, you can't control the other people, their thoughts or actions, you can just control you and since you have control only over your actions & thoughts, you have 100% responsibility for your part in the relationship. Responsibility is not a burden, it's a privilege, it's a stand that you take for something.

[Angela]

Yup. 50% might as well be 0%. This idea that brutal honesty forces people to grow -- well, that smacks of "for your own good" to me (and you probably know how I feel about that! ).

Which is not to say that I think you are wrong or that you shouldn't be fully self-expressed, not at all. What has happened though is you can see that you were effective with the husband, so you're on track there, but not with the wife -- with her you now have an opening to try on an inspiring new way of being, if you want your relationship with her to flourish. Brutal honesty for her own good and 50% responsibility didn't work so well, you can see, so what are you willing to take on that would inspire you in this relationship?

Again, you are not wrong; this is simply about adjusting course in living a life you love.

[garentee]

Thanks again for your words both Robc and Angela. This is a very interesting situation. On the one hand I am not sure I want to proceed with anything until some of the smoke clears. I was made aware that there were still reverberations going on from the original event. She is not one to rise far above her anger.. and I know that I really hit a nerve. I want to make amends and I will. I do not though expect her to accept my amends. I am willing to move on if that is the case.She does not talk about these kinds of things... not even with her husband (according to him).. He wants to get therapy but she refuses because of the "stigma" attached to it. I cannot heal the relationship if she will not accept my presence. I cannot have a relationship if she will not talk. I will step forward and do my part. I just know that she has a right to be who and what she is and I have the same right. If those do not coincide it is ok. I said what I said at a time where I was just learning a bit about really expressing my emotions and I used poor judgment in other circumstances that are still swirling around. It has been an incredible ride. Very fruitful.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by garentee

She is not one to rise far above her anger.. and I know that I really hit a nerve. ... I do not though expect her to accept my amends. ...She does not talk about these kinds of things... not even with her husband (according to him).. He wants to get therapy but she refuses because of the "stigma" attached to it. I cannot heal the relationship if she will not accept my presence. I cannot have a relationship if she will not talk.

Garentee, I gotta say.... this is a really ineffective way to approach healing a relationship! If you are not committed to cleaning things up with her and having at least some small presence of love or affinity between you, just let it go, don't approach with this "intention" of healing but underlying that is your real commitment -- the one you don't know that you don't know is there -- which is that she will not. If you approach her with this, you will surely succeed in your commitment rather than your desire. Choose!

[robc]

Apologize to her for your comments, tell her you're coming from a place in your life where you're focusing on positive things and living a happier life and you were trying to help by letting them know where you're coming from but inadvertently offended her with your attitude. Tell her that you value her friendship and would really appreciate it if she can forgive your words & attitude that started this conflict between the two of you. Offer your hand and a smile, if she refuses, just smile at her and tell her maybe another day.

Be the kind of person you would want to be friends with. Don't judge her for her reactions & attitude, allow her to be the person she wants to be and allow yourself to be the person you want to be.

Above all don't expect change in any person to happen instantaneously, that just doesn't happen, especially with negative people. Allow them as much time & space to do what they need and don't make your friendship conditional on whether or not they're willing to change.

[garentee]

Again and again... thank you for your words. I see where this is headed and I can see I have to make my overtures and soon. There is no point to having this drag on any longer than it has to. I am sorry I hurt both of their feelings. I will make it known and soon. I will work with them on this. I do know that there is a possibility that I have irreparably damaged the relationship. But I hope that is not the case. It is pretty cool that at this time I am reading Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping.. Coupled with your words and advice it is making the reality come more and more clear. I know that this is hard to do, but it is harder to not do it and wonder what if? Thanks again. G

[garentee]

A little update. I just sent an apology over email...I do not usually like to do things like that, but when estranged from someone it is best (in my view )to send a note and let them decide what they want to do. I apologized for my judgment of them and told them I was willing to do whatever was necessary to repair the friendship. It feels good but there is definitely some residual feelings that I am feeling about my previous actions. I am really just learning how to really control my emotions or gain mastery of them and this is a symptom of a lesson that it seems like I need to learn a few times. I am ok and I know that I have done the right thing and I understand the lesson. There is an awful lot of merit to thinking before speaking and considering what you are saying, to whom and how. Again thanks for your input it really highlighted the lessons.Next time I hurt someones feelings I hope to be a little m0ore understanding of the situation. Funny thing is when I have hurt someones feelings mo0re recently it has been easier to apologize right then and there. This one case and one other like it are symptoms of the older way of reacting to life. The growth I have experienced is very gratifying and it gives me an awful lot of motivation to continue. Thanks G