of us (Are we incompatior both) need to just grow up?

[25AndJustBeginning]

I'm still hesitant to post on here but I'm hoping for some enlightening advice as I'm incredibly confused. This girl and I (I'll call her... "Ginger") have been together for about a year now. It's been rocky to say the least. Neither of us have had good relationship role models in our lives. We also jumped into the relationship kinda fast. We just progressed so fast to seriousness that neither of us were thinking. Ultimately, we had moved in together after being together for only a few months (kinda extenuating circumstances which left us w/ the choice to move in together or to break up). Ok, moving on... We have fought constantly until she moved out several months after moving in w/ me and since then she's broken up w/ me 4 times. All of which - IMO - were childish, extreme, unnecessary actions. In fact, that's my biggest complaint about her; that's she's childish. I absolutely hate the way she handles things. She's incredibly reactive often harbouring negative feelings until the opportune moment to retaliate. We're broken up now but are talking. Actually, getting back to the other times she's broken up w/ me she did it absolutely unnecessarily in order to get her way. After the most recent two (before the last) she said that she doesn't want to break up any more over "stupid things" but wants to work it out. However, this last time she did it again. It's aggravating me to the point where I can't get over the feelings of indignance. However, to walk away I'm afraid that I'd regret it. Right now I'm wondering if I've been the childish one. She always seems to be more mature and nicer and easier to deal w/ and completely understanding when we're broken up and talking but when we get back together that whole sales pitch turns out to be false advertisement. She acts all righteous when we're separate but it's the same old childish b.s. when we're together (the way she handles things & addresses them stresses me out to the point of insanity). One thing to point out is that we both lack communication. We don't operate w/ the premise of making the relationship work. I think she's selfish and only cares about herself but I may be the same. Every time I talk to my therapist about this I arrive at the conclusion that she's immature, manipulative, and incredibly selfish, only considering her own needs. But what if I'm wrong? What if I'm more to blame than I think? She drive me absolutely crazy w/ the childish ways she handles things but what if I'm not being as mature and responsible as I should be? I've always thought that most issues are her fault (in one way or another, be it righteousness leading to concete in a "conversation" or her stubbornness). How do I know if I'm more mature then her and should move on or if I should take more responsibility and try harder? She's so difficult I wish I could explain how much she drives me crazy. She's hypocritical, expecting things of me that she doesn't do herself. She's so short on self-awareness that I have no idea how she functions in life some times. Really. Nothing is EVER her fault. She always reflects (or acts) on a situation w/o EVER considering how her actions affected it.

This most recent breakup happened because she said I "wasn't meeting her needs." It's always about her needs. She doesn't care to contribute to the relationship at all. It's all about what she gets; it's alllllll about her. But I'm so drawn to her STILL and I don't know why. I have enough reasons to just walk away but I have this hope that... that she'll "get it" and I'll finally be able to have the type of relationship that I want. Am I being hypocritical by saying that? ...For criticizing her for being selfish when I am concerned about what I want? Are we just on separate pages unwilling to satisfy each other??? Anyway, back to the (most recent) breakup. I was aggravated w/ her over something that I felt she was being hypocritical about for starters. Then she calls me after work sobbing because she had a bad night. First I was thinking that she was acting kinda childish because she was so inconsolable. Anyway, I (reluctantly) do the b/f thing (half@$$ to be honest). I was really upset w/ her and did have the presence of mind throughout this entire episode to remind myself to put my feelings aside completely and to be there for her. I truly did but I just couldn't (or wouldn't, whatever) do it completely. After talking to her for several minutes she starts to head home. Since it's snowing heavily outside I suggest that she focus on driving and call me when she gets home. So she does. However, she's even more upset now because her roommate not only left their apt. door unlocked, but slightly ajar. I had to argue w/ her to tell her to just head over to my place and to not go in there until I check it out and that she can wear some of my pajamas as usual. (Seems common sense to me.) After I finish fighting her on that she heads over. So she gets there and I continue to talk her down but she insists on bringing up the issue I had w/ her that started via texts while she was at work. I suggest several times to drop it until the next day in order to make it easier on her but she won't let it go. Eventually, she starts rambling on about her (twisted) version and I can't take it so I go to journal in my room. So she comes in all upset that I'm "not meeting her needs." Great. Well, looking back I realized that she was more concerned about what I was doing (or not doing) for her than making herself feel better. Opinions?? Well, the next day she calls me over to talk. She starts off by saying, "I don't think you want to be w/ me. I think you just want a relationship," then proceeds on as if she hadn't said anything significant whatsoever. And I'm going wtf??? Are you serious??? Opinions??? So I'm hung up on this latest gem that she dropped and kinda fade out as she rambles on and on about how I'm not meeting her needs (all the while maintaining an obnoxiously righteous attitude about her). So I interrupt and ask her to skip to her point asking if she wants to break up. I knew she was getting to it eventually but she aggravatingly goes into an agonizing speech mode first. Ugh. She's sooooo aggravating the way she handles things!!! So she says that she wants to be friends, tho. After that I stopped all contact w/ her but eventually she started texting me about a week later. Ultimately, I don't think she wants to break up but meant to use it to get what she wanted. However, I called her bluff deciding that I don't want to be w/ anyone that's so ready to throw in the towel over something so trivial. Maybe if there was a pattern of non support then sure. However, she considers situations completely independent of her own actions and I just can't stand it. So why do I still have hope? Do I need to be more mature and handle things better? Are we just miles apart??

This turned out to be a lot of rambling and venting. I'd like to be more specific but that would take pages & I don't want to bore the audience either. Anyway, thx for listening and for any advice or opinions you have.

[JimOfferman]

I'm sorry, but I only made it half way through your ramblings - my head needs more white space to be able to fully parse the text

I do have a question, though: do you believe that you are being immature?

If I were you, I would start to get a handle on things by answering that question for yourself. Then look at the immature things you are doing (if any) and work on changing those for the better.

Remember that you don't really have the power to change others - you can only lead by example. Hopefully, if you start behaving more maturely, she will do that too... or maybe she won't... if that's the case, then the mature thing to do is to move on to a better, more mature, relationship with someone else - hard as that may be.

At any rate, you have to start with YOU!