Problems with Partner's sibling daughter

[Tom Rushton]

My partner's sibling 13 year daughter initially accepted me seeing her mother but now locks herself away in her room when I visit - her mother talks to her frequently about her behavoir but nothing seems to have changed over the past 10 months.

Can anyone suggest an approach to this ?

[supertom]

shes just trying to keep herself safe, her behavior is normal, maybe you done something small that doesnt isnt a big deal but for her it is. Dont let her mother talk to her about what she does, that would make her rebel.

Tell her that i come into your home more frequently, and i dont know your rules, let her make some rules/requests, they might seem unimportant but to her its important.


BTW you metioned the word HER like 4 times in that, so you need to focus on what your doing.

[Tom Rushton]

Thank you for ur advice re the daughter feeling safe - that was very profound.

Whilst I have used the word "her" several times, we do believe that the daughter has some type of anxiety which she cannot express or talk about.
The daughter continually threatens to leave home and "pouts" continually to her mother. She has not been denied access to her father at any time and has not been asked to choose between one or the other.

It is also important to pass on the fact that the other 4 older children are very accepting of my presence in the home & with going out with their mother and are critical openly of the attitude of the youngest member.

We are hoping that weight of numbers may eventually convince the youngest one to be comfortable and not threatened by the new relationship.

[supertom]

yes the added information was helpful haha. You have a wonderful kid whos going through a tough time (perhaps years). Dont treat her like a problem, treat her like potential, shes going to hurt your feelings no doubt(and yes shes gonna over-react), but still dont criticise. Maybe help her with a school subject or do something she likes.

What i am trying to get at is shes not broken she just needs someone smart, seek expert(a woman you admire) help not any tom, dick and harry. including me lols

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Just by virtue of her being 13 this is a tough time. Add onto that a new man coming into her life which she really has no say over and which, intended or not, splits her mom's attention.

I don't think this is personally about you if you have not done anything to offend her. It's a hard age. Try to remember when you were 13.

Don't try to force her to like you, but at the same time leave the door open for her to spend time with you. Maybe you could offer to take her and her mother out for a nice day. See how she likes it. Don't try too much to be involved in discipline. Let her parents handle that right now. I'd say mainly you'll have to give it time. Be kind to her, but don't press.

Good luck.