female friends?

[jaamkie]

Hey, looking for any thoughts about how female friendships develop- I seem to have a lot of guy friends and sometimes just feel like I must be missing something by not having female friends. To an extent I've assumed my male-dominated job and interests were the problem, but I've also been thinking that even when there are women around, I seem to develop easy friendships with men and never with women. Recently I encountered an old female schoolmate, and while I thought we had a fun conversation, I also got the distinct impression she didn't expect to keep in close touch, though I'd've been happy to try to develop a friendship. So I'm wondering what I'm missing in all of this... thanks for any advice!

[Dahlia]

I have a similar case with my own friends. I get along with guys better than girls, but probably because most of my guy friends seek advice on relationship troubles and feel comfortable confiding in me.

But don't punish yourself for being you. So what if you have more male friends? I actually find conversations with guys to be way more invigorating since they give you a totally different perspective on things.

To be honest, we all end up finding those special people we get along with who share mutual understandings even if it is in very small numbers. I think of the few advantages in having girl friends are that you can talk about really girlie stuff like clothes, periods, and overusing of the word "like" and not be embarrassed about it, lol

[jaamkie]

well I don't suppose I'm looking for the typical female fashion-and-TV-and-emotions friendship, but I imagine there must be many many women in the world who don't necessarily relate to other women in that one stereotypical way. I get all flustered and quiet when a woman compliments my clothes/shoes and all I can think is "good job mom!" -she plays personal shopper for me because she knows what I like and I find clothes-shopping a hellish experience- though I know they mean it in a friendly way to start a conversation, the same as guys use the "so what about that game?" opening gambit in starting conversations (not that I do any better with that one, but somehow it is more acceptable for a woman to be clueless about sports than about clothing/accessories). People also like to talk about recent shows on TV- I don't have a TV and inevitably have no context to appreciate TV references; and about food- I'm vegan and try to keep quiet so I don't accidentally derail a pleasant conversation into an animal rights debate/rant. My favorite topics for random conversation are usually the ones advised against in smalltalk- religion, politics, TMI about personal relationships, boring third-hand family stories. Yet somehow guys are happy to cast around for topics of conversation and to go off in random directions- I think maybe they don't expect to be able to relate on all topics, but women do.

[Dahlia]

I don't do well with small talk, I think that's why I don't get along with girls that well. I like having serious (but it can be humorous too) conversations cause eventually when people talk with me I just have a knack to go deeper than most people do. And I think people become intimidated in revealing too much about themselves. I don't have much of a problem laying out my cards with people, but others have a hard time doing the same.

I say give it time, you'll eventually find women who can relate to you the same way you relate to guys.

[Patricia]

I think it's just a matter of preference and personality. I've got a few (very few!) female friends who I'm very close to, but throughout my life I've had more male friends than female friends and have always found that conversation with men flows better for me.

But I seem to be noticing a common denominator here: the small talk. I can't stand it either. The girl friends that are close to me are and have always been women who are not the stereotype of female friendships. Sure, we do get girlie every now and then and talk about things from the female universe, but that's not what holds the friendship together.

So unless you miss having a female friend or really want to have one for whatever reason, I think that just accepting that you get along better with men is absolutely fine. It could be for a lot of different reasons, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

If you DO, however, want to have female friends (there are benefits too! lol), then just try to find someone you're comfortable with and see how it flows. Easier said than done, I know, but you might want to try to look for these friends in different places, places where you're likely to find like minded women.

[Rockchick26]

Hey youre the girl i PM'ed and you replied and then i sent you another one and you never replied again,did you ever get it? It was like 2 months ago now. We were mostly taking about music

I have this same problem...i have always made male friends easier than female friends,i thought it was just cuz guys like to talk to girls and other girls have no reason to talk to girls. Or they're jealous of you in some way. I am always trying to make new female friends but it never works.

[Rockchick26]

Yeah a lot of women only talk about superficial shallow stuff like fashion,how to style their hair,celebrity gossip,etc. But i also know plenty of guys like that too who will only talk about their cars,their latest sex encounter,or how drunk they got recently. Shallow people are everywhere,not just females.

[Angela]

Jaamkie, my experience is that it's very easy to make friends with women by being a leader in values-based conversation. Almost all of the women I've been interested in being friends with have responded with surprise, engagement and delight to this way of being. They usually express some sort of: "Yay! It's so nice to talk about Real Stuff!!"

For me, I'm committed to generating love, joy, connection and freedom in all my conversations. I've talked about some of the things I'll talk about with someone new, some questions that I ask, elsewhere in these forums. Some people in the forums, but very few I approach in the real world, freak out a little and think it's "weird" to ask real questions about who we really are, what we're really passionate about, what we're really up to in life. (that may be because it's easier in the real world to "spot" people who will likely welcome values-based conversation.) Freakers may feel invaded or wary of questions; they may feel outraged or threatened or unready, maybe based on their own old pain. The Freakers probably won't be a good match for my friendship anyway, so it's not a bad thing to weed out any strays, and limit my intimacy to the Yay-Sayers.

There are so many Yay-Sayers in the world. You have the power to generate, unveil and nurture the Yay.

[songwriter]

Here it's very hard, cause they soon become bossy over the male friend. If I don't like an ordinary boss, I don't like a boss out of the office either.
I know it's different in other parts of the world, like Japan for instance.

[freddy]

Just my thought on it. It may be hard to be friends with another girl, if you are a girl, because of boyfriend issues. (Jealousy) There alway seems to be that issue with the girls I have know in the past. I would think this could be the case even with married people too. I never had many friends, and the ones I thought I could trust have let me down in big hurtful ways. (Trying to cheat with my wife when we were going through marraige problems.) So I tend to make friends over long periods of time.

[Perfect Sunday]

I think the old school-mate saw a little too much "eagerness" from your part.
Then she backed-off... then you got the feeling she wouldn't be keeping in touch.

Why do I sense this?
Well, if you have a lack of interactions with women, I can assure you, you're making more out of less.
A "casual" or "normal" conversation with a girl, you might turn into a "she likes me!!!!".
Then your brain starts racing.

Originally Posted by jaamkie

I get all flustered and quiet when a woman compliments my clothes/shoes and all I can think is "good job mom!"

LMAO!!!
HAahaHaHa... that's cool dude.
Let's just keep that small part between you, me, and the rest of the internet.

Originally Posted by jaamkie

-she plays personal shopper for me because she knows what I like and I find clothes-shopping a hellish experience-

You know... I used to be just like that.
Now?
I love shopping for clothes.
Mainly, because I don't have the time for it... so when I *do* go, it's all out.
Kinda like going to the racetrack and letting it rip through 3rd gear, full throttle.
Kinda.

To fix this, you need a genuine interest in clothing and fashion.
Your best bet is to get a female friend that knows fashion... yet that's what we're working on!
Progress!!

Originally Posted by jaamkie

though I know they mean it in a friendly way to start a conversation, the same as guys use the "so what about that game?" opening gambit in starting conversations (not that I do any better with that one, but somehow it is more acceptable for a woman to be clueless about sports than about clothing/accessories).

I think you "know" wrong.
If they're starting conversations with you, they're interested.
"."

Originally Posted by jaamkie

and about food- I'm vegan and try to keep quiet so I don't accidentally derail a pleasant conversation into an animal rights debate/rant.

I mean this with the best intention, but...
STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR YOURSELF!!!

What do you mean you "keep quiet"?!
Freaking EXPRESS what's on your head!!!!!!
"Accidentally derail"... SO WHAT?!
Derail it!
Stir up the guano!
Why do you think God placed you here?
TO STIR IT UP!

If it goes into animal rights debate... then so be it!
I've had "serious debates" with people about the fact that they didn't like Cheerios!
I love Cheerios!!
How can a human being NOT like Cheerios!?!?!
What the heck are they? A wheat-rights activist?!

You follow what I'm saying...
It isn't discussion for the sake of argument.
Just, express yourself... see other points of view.

Look, one great piece of advice I once read:

Don't have the conversation she has with her dentist.

Originally Posted by jaamkie

My favorite topics for random conversation are usually the ones advised against in smalltalk- religion, politics, TMI about personal relationships, boring third-hand family stories.

"topics for random conversation".
... but it's a random conversation!

I kid.

STOP!
Think.

Let me read to your 65 year old self something:
(yeah, get in the head of your 65 year old self)
Your favorite topic of random conversation is, amongst other things, "boring third-hand family stories."

d00d.
d00d, seriously.
Life is short.

Don't do ANYTHING that's boring.
Ever!
Why?!

Your 65 year old self is going to pisssssed at you for wasting time with "boring" stuff.

Originally Posted by jaamkie

Yet somehow guys are happy to cast around for topics of conversation and to go off in random directions- I think maybe they don't expect to be able to relate on all topics, but women do.

I'll tell you, as a gross generalization, women are the most adaptable people ever.

They can adapt to almost any situation, anytime, anywhere.

.........
I stepped away from the computer... and I misplaced the rest of the post inside my head. :s

Hope this helps!

[Dannyboy1]

Guys are just way cooler.

JUST KIDDING!!

I am a guy, so I may not have any real insight into this, but it seems to me that women on a subconscious level can't help but compare themselves when they meet or hang out with another woman. Who wants to hang out with someone if they're constantly comparing themselves with them? You'd be self concious all the time. I may be wrong...

Guys? We don't generally think about it that much... unless we're at the gym. And even then, not that much.

[jaamkie]

erm y'all do know I'm female- right??? seriously though I get flustered around women as if I were a guy wanting to date them or something...

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by jaamkie

I get flustered around women as if I were a guy wanting to date them or something...

Haha, I can totally relate to that! Same here.

I guess I'm pretty "masculine" too, most of my friends are male, and I generally feel totally comfortable with men, no matter if it's about friendship, romance, sex, just being pals, talking about deep stuff or small talk. I kinda feel "at home" with guys.

With women, I tend to get nervous and intimidated. I do have some female friends, but winning a woman over is a big thing for me. Just like you said, I feel like I'm trying to date them, even though it's not the case. I don't really know how to make friends with them in a natural way. When I tell them that I love them, or ask them out for a coffee, I always hope they won't think I'm trying to pick them up, and am VERY happy and relieved when they say yes. Whereas the same with a guy is just no biggie.

I don't know why it's this way.

Hmmm... I'm being completely sexist Sorry.

[celestar332]

Maybe it is that women tend to be emotional vampires- not entirely a negative thing. To really get along with another woman, you must almost give a part of yourself to them. Eventually over time as the relationship develops more deeply these things come up. They want a piece of your heart underneath it all, through any means possible but they won't tell you that, they won't let you know that it is a long lost desire that propels certain women to look to the core of another woman for satisfaction. It is not a lesbian thing, even though that gets trickier but its more like a divine revelation. I find that women want an ultimate connection more so then men, maybe because of our collective loss in a world that still is male dominated-patriarchy...But men don't make us feel so emeshned, and this yin yang polarity is consistent enough to allow even women a dualistic swing to how they apply thier feelings. This I see as off balance with women, going back to the loss thing. This all can be so bipolar if you think about it. I recommend taking a bolder stand and start asking for what you want out front, maybe that will push back the fangs a bit and things will unravel as they naturally should....

[jaamkie]

Rose of Cairo- it is nice to hear that I'm not the only one who feels it is more difficult to be friends with women!

Sometimes I think I use men's generic attraction and willingness to pursue to be lazy about creating relationships of any kind. Also for me I am attracted to some women sometimes, I figure I'd be happy to try dating a woman if things worked out that way, though generally I think I'm attracted to a larger percentage of guys than girls- I'm only attracted to particular ones- who actually usually look quite a bit like myself so maybe it's just a narcissistic thing... Yet it's funny, the ones I'm attracted to are usually the ones I feel most comfortable relating to, and the ones I'm not-at-all attracted to are the ones that get me most flustered and anxious.

RockChick- yea sorry for not replying to the PM- I sort of come and go from these boards and didn't see your reply 'till quite a bit of time had passed- and then I feel just soooo awkward and say nothing rather than reply... which is maybe part of my problem?

[jsot]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I guess I'm pretty "masculine" too, most of my friends are male, and I generally feel totally comfortable with men, no matter if it's about friendship, romance, sex, just being pals, talking about deep stuff or small talk. I kinda feel "at home" with guys.

That's funny, because I'm male and heterosexual but I'm more comfortable around girls than guys. Something about other guys puts me on edge; with girls it's just a lot more laid-back, or as you say, "at home."

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by jaamkie

I'm only attracted to particular ones- who actually usually look quite a bit like myself so maybe it's just a narcissistic thing.

This happens to me too! Like i'll be at a concert looking around at everyone and i happen to notice a lot of short,cute,brunette girls,and when i look at them i almost feel like they are me only in a different body,and i somewhat feel attracted to them,not like where i want to sexually experiment with them but like where i want to be really close to them emotionally and friendship-wise. I feel like i had a twin who died at birth or something. I know i didn't really,but i have always felt this empty space in my life where i feel like another girl just like me should be. I've never had a sister and i've had very few close female friends,so maybe what you feel when looking at those girls is that you just wish you had that best friend/sister type thing.

RockChick- yea sorry for not replying to the PM- I sort of come and go from these boards and didn't see your reply 'till quite a bit of time had passed- and then I feel just soooo awkward and say nothing rather than reply... which is maybe part of my problem?

Don't feel awkward! I have went back on message boards a year or two later and realized,whoops! Somebody messaged me a year ago and i never knew! But i always respond anyway Better late than never! I think me and you have a lot in common and i would love to hear from you,anytime!