confronting parents about their "mistakes"??

[metamorph]

Hi.

I suffered from bad self-esteem and only recently became aware that it is one of the root of many other issues in my life. When I looked back into my past, I realised that some of it has got to do with the way I was raised. My parents both suffer from an exaggerated sensitivity to public opinion and various other issues. So they tried to raise me in a way that is most conform with public acceptance (clothing, hair cut, conservative values). Also, my mother is a borderline hypochondric nutritionist. So there is constant commenting on my weight (which is perfectly normal by all medical standards I am aware of, but I am just not thin as a stick). And of course constant moaning about my diet (which again is above average for most people alive). And then the constant “shoulds” if things went pear-shaped in the past (“ you should have done this and that”, “ If you had listened to me…” And so on). All this created some degree of fear and a lack of self-esteem in me when I was younger (health, public opinion), but in the last 5 years I have thankfully recovered from it to a large degree.

I have not lived with my parents for over ten years, but whenever I spend time with them, I hear the same comments and see the same patterns. I just wonder if I should confront them with it or just let them be. They are nearly 70 now and grew-up at a time without self-help and personal development. I am now aware of their comments and thought pattern, and so, this, hopefully, does not affect me any more. But in a way I would like to open their eyes, also to help them with their indwelling fears. I do love them very much and do not carry any resentment for them. They are just as they are and grew up in terrible times (one an orphan, one without father). They are lovely and I know they always wanted to help me and they love me to bits. Just some of it was doing more harm than good, I guess.
I once told them about the subconscious impact their comments can have on a child’s self-esteem and development, but they do not appear to understand the psychologic reasoning behind this. They literally said it was just harmless remarks and opinions.

I don’t know if I should stir this up again. I don't want to hurt them either.

Any suggestions?

[Angela]

So, after all the *shoulds* from your parents, and all the suffering it left you with, you think *shoulding* them is going to "help" anybody?

"You shouldn't have shoulded me! You shouldn't have moaned about my diet. You should understand the psychological impact you had on your child! You shouldn't have "made" me suffer (but don't worry, I'm recovered now.) You should open your eyes and get over your indwelling fears. You should acknowledge that you made mistakes."

That's an awful lot of *shoulding* for someone who is free of resentment, don't you think?

[metamorph]

You are right!

But then, I really do not want to blame them. I really, really love them. They are the people who mean everything to me. They were always supportive. I just think if discussing these things (without blame) could help free them from some fears or problems too. I mean, there is a subconscious reason why they keep still keep doing it or am I wrong? And would not raising awareness of this help both me and them? (Hope this makes sense). But then, maybe everyone is really only responsible for his own "happiness" and "inner peace" (?)
So yes, I want to avoid blaming, but does this mean I should not raise the issue at all?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by metamorph

I really, really love them. They are the people who mean everything to me.

I get that about you!

If you really want to make a difference for them, maybe you could try switching your perspective a little. I mean, even to me, a stranger, your point of view smacked strongly of blame and making wrong, though it doesn't seem that way to you. That's not what you want to leave them with, I know. You want to give them awareness? Be Aware!

How about trying on a new way of being around this? I would suggest taking on 100% responsibility in your conversation with them, if you must have one. Like: "Mom and Dad, I love you so much, you mean everything to me. I am so grateful to you for everything you've provided for me, all the support you've given me, throughout my life. In the past, I haven't heard you so clearly -- sometimes I heard criticism when you only meant to give me strength and protection. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to hear the love in your words at times, because I was focusing on my own fears. I am very grateful to have gotten through that fearful time, with your help and love. Thank you! Now I feel like I've really gotten what you wanted to give me all along -- strength, courage, boldness, peace, and love. Am I missing anything?"

Or, you could say, "Mom and Dad, you really screwed up my childhood and my self-esteem, but I'm okay now and I forgive you for all your terrible mistakes. Don't you feel better?"

[metamorph]

Thank you Angela Still, I am not sure if you understand why I want to discuss these things with them. I see that I have very many traits in common with my parents and for a long time I thought that's just it. As in: you are born with it and you cannot do anything about it. But in the last 5 years with introversion, observing myself and others, seeing what makes people tick and what makes them react the way they do, I realised that very much is "conditioned" or trained. Also, I read literally hundreds of books. Subsequently I tried (and I am still trying) to untrain myself from negative conditioning that ruined my self esteem and shaped me in many other ways (social phobias). Back to my parents: I more and more realise that they have very many fears and limiting beliefs in common with me (or how I used to be). So one reason for speaking to them is to make them aware where all these beliefs come from. For instance: one of the big regrets of my mother is that she never took up the career she wanted until it was too late. When I asked her why, she said it was because of her maths teacher. I thought this was awful, since her whole career dream got destroyed by whatever some teacher had told her about the job or about herself. My fathes gae up a 30 year long passion for photography because one of his relative told him during one of his private photo shows that his pictures are badly compositioned and he should take a photography class. His passion was just suddenly gone from that moment on he never gave any photo shows any more. I remember his pictures were certainly far from todays flickr world, but as long as he is passionate about it, who cares. I could tell you many similar personal accounts of myself and, if I should die tonight, the most valuable thing I ever learned in my life is to never let other people judge you, your dreams and your life. To be aware of the constant bullshit that, if you are unaware, can ruin your self esteem and many dreams of your life.
So I want to talk to my parents to make them aware of it. And I thought of also making them aware that some of the negative input in my life came from them. I would tell them that I know it was with the best intentions, and that I am aware of it now, but that I would prefer if they would stop with it now.

Does this make sense?

[Brutha]

If it is really about them, why do you want to use an example from your own limiting beliefs that you got through them?

[Rafael Perez]

I would suggest, not bringing it up. But when you hear the negative comments, if you do not agree then don't. Do not be afraid of what they may think and do not do it in anger.

You sound like you are at a higher sense of awareness but are still blaming someone else for your reality. It was your reality, you create it. They are still stuck in their reality that limits them.

Have fun with this new awareness and take control of situations like this and see them as opportunities to define who you are in the face of adversity.

Just be yourself every moment of every day.

By the way there is no such thing as should have... it happened already, what is the point in saying you should have done something if you can't change it. there is no point other than getting some type of self satisfaction out of it... and that could just be mean.

So speak the truth in love, be yourself and have fun defining who you are through your new awareness.

[Gozunn]

I say you don't talk about it and then when they make comments just tell them nicely and with reason, don't throw a fit! Like Angela said though, show them you're appreciating their advice and that you love them. The secret is to make it seem like you're on their side not against them.

[Jennihul]

Don't even go there. Not even touch on it. Ever.

Just take what you have learned and become the best you that you can be.

Life is not supposed to be perfect. You aren't supposed to have functional parents. 90% of us have dysfunctional upbringings in some fashion. We learn through examples but also through hardship and challenges. If having wacky parents is the worst thing that has happened in your life, you have had it easy.

Blaming is the worst thing you can do to YOURSELF. Believe it.

Jennifer

[Angela]

Listen, your mom's math teacher didn't make your mom give up her dream to be a teacher, your dad's relative didn't make him stop taking photos, and your parents didn't make you suffer from a lack of self-esteem.

The three of you made your choices, and they led you to where you are now. You may consider that what your parents have done has strongly influenced you in your choices, but they did not force you to make the choices you made. If you insist that indeed they did so, that you are a powerless victim of their choices, then what you are doing is blaming them. Let's call a spade a spade.

If you are suckling no blame for them, then what good outcome could you hope for by "making them aware" that the choices they made were wrong? Just because you don't like their choices, or that you would prefer they had made others, doesn't make them wrong, any more than you are "wrong" for having had low self-esteem. It's not their fault, and it's not your fault.

You are certainly free (and wise) to say "no, thanks" to someone who is trying to give you something you don't want -- like criticism or nagging or crankiness. But when you turn around and tell them how wrong they are, how wrong they've been, and how you are just the person to enlighten them about making better choices in their lives, then you become exactly what you are trying to shrug off -- a criticiser, a nag, and an old crank.

It's not about negative input; it's about negative uptake. Do you want to be a person who generates negativity in the lives of these people whom you care about so deeply (disguising it as "making them more aware"), or do you want to be a person who generates people (including yourself) feeling good on purpose?

[Yellow]

Originally Posted by Angela

You are certainly free (and wise) to say "no, thanks" to someone who is trying to give you something you don't want -- like criticism or nagging or crankiness. But when you turn around and tell them how wrong they are, how wrong they've been, and how you are just the person to enlighten them about making better choices in their lives, then you become exactly what you are trying to shrug off -- a criticiser, a nag, and an old crank.

It's not about negative input; it's about negative uptake. Do you want to be a person who generates negativity in the lives of these people whom you care about so deeply (disguising it as "making them more aware"), or do you want to be a person who generates people (including yourself) feeling good on purpose?

Angela, how do you propose dealing with people like that especially if they are someone you are or have been close to?

[Steve Pavlina]

Everyone has issues with how they were raised, including me.

Several years ago (long before I launched this website), I sent my parents a thank you letter for all the things I thought they did right, such as providing me with a solid education, setting high standards, making sure I kept my room clean, etc. I explained how the decisions and actions they made when I was a child had a positive effect on me as an adult. For example, I told them I was glad they helped me be neat as a child, since that habit served me well as an adult. I congratulated them for doing a good job as parents and that even though I had some serious challenges in life, I felt I turned out pretty well.

My mother was especially touched and said it was the best gift I ever gave her.

Did my parents do a perfect job? Of course not. From my perspective they made a lot of mistakes. There were a lot of things about my childhood that made me unhappy or angry. For example, while my parents took care of our physical needs very well, they were very lacking WRT emotional needs. The words "I love you" were really never spoken in our home. We always had plenty of food and financial stability, but I can't say I felt loved growing up. Consequently, I had to spend years working through those issues as an adult. Early in my relationship with Erin, I had to confess to her that I didn't know how to love or be loved. Those were alien concepts to me. Fortunately she was just the right person to teach me.

You can focus on what your parents did wrong and disempower yourself, or you can focus on what they did right and feel grateful. If you choose the latter approach, your feelings of gratitude will help you deal with the remaining issues without succumbing to blame.

It doesn't matter whether you think your parents deserve such gratitude. What matters is how gratitude empowers you to outgrow the limitations of your upbringing.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Yellow

Angela, how do you propose dealing with people like that especially if they are someone you are or have been close to?

I'm not sure who you mean by "people like that" but I think you mean people you love but who want to feed you negativity, so I'll answer that. There's the empowering way of being, and then there's the Advanced Extra Credit Empowering way of being.

The EWoB includes the Steve Pavlina advice above: be grateful anyway. Also: remember that just because someone offers you something you don't want, that doesn't mean you have to accept it. "You need to lose some weight, honey!" "Thanks, mom; I'm happy with my body right now. I appreciate your input."

The AECEWoB involves looking and finding your own inner truth of what someone is offering you, even if (especially if) your buttons get pushed. It's not hard to find. "You need to lose some weight, honey!" {{{{{"Hmmm, let's see; I do need to lose some weight eventually, when I die, and for right now I'm feeling pretty vital so it's not my body that needs to lose weight right now. Let me look a little further: is there some area of my life where I'm heavy? I am pretty heavily in debt; that's some "weight" I could stand to let go of. I don't have much sense of lightness about what my mom says to me -- I do tend to get pretty heavy-hearted and heavy-handed with her. Looks like she's right!}}}} OUT LOUD: "Mom, you are so right -- I can see some areas in my life where it would serve me well to lose some weight." [Mom smiles and pats your hand.]

[metamorph]

Thank you, everyone for your replies. I will try to reply to all at once.

I do love them and I am grateful and they know it well. We are close! They are as near as perfect as parents as you can be if I compare it with many other friends. I am aware of their influence now, and yes I can mute it out, but sometimes it can be tiring: e.g. when we are at a family meeting, and all my mother can say is that I should not eat this or that from the buffett, because it may contain this or that, or that I should not wear this,because I am too old for it etc... Yes, I can mute it out, but I would much prefer to help her stop this dominant "tape" in her head so we can share more important things really.

To Angela: I do believe that they were influenced in the examples I gave by the opinions of other people. Did they really make a "conscious" choice? Did they really say to themselves "This is someone's opinion, I still do what I believe in". I do not think so. I think they had and still have an excessive sensitivity to public opinion, approval seeking and some degree of lack of self esteem. So I think in the examples above they made only an "unconscious" decision. They were led not by their values, but by the ones of others. As I said in the last post I have many similar examples of my own past: From the moment my music teacher told me I could not sing and put me in the last row when I was 8 years old, I never ever opened my mouth in church again. So I did not make a conscious choice. I was led like a puppet by someone elses diapproval. Today, I would not give a toss if somebody told me me I could not sing.

So, truly the most important thing I ever learned was to march to the beat of my own drums and critically and consciously assess external input before letting it influence you. Angela, it was only in the last 5 five years that I even became aware of all the subconscious influences you are exposed to every day. I did make decisions back then, but not aware decisions. Does this make sense? So in the cases of my parents, I do think my father did not have the awareness to make a "conscious" decision. Maybe his photo shows were also in some way approval seeking and when he did not get it, but was criticised, the bubble burst.

To all:
So discussing this with my parents is to really give them this awareness. I so much wish someone had told me 10 or 20 years ago, to select your input carefully and to yes, march to your own drums. And to the other posters the question is: So is personal develpment really only something personal ? Should you keep it for yourself and leave others in their "blissful (or not) ignorance". Is it really only self-help or do you have an obligation (or at least the right) to also help others, esp the ones closest to you?

[Kanger]

Hello Metamorph

Just want to say I've been going through similar things. And I've had a desire to tell my parents what hurt, what didn't help as a child (as I'm begining to become v aware of them, having been unaware for a long time as i buried everything). Basically blame them and I'm not sure it's good.

I've told my mum about some things that were really hard for me as a kid and it doesn't ever give me any peace, she often still doesn't get it or if she does she says its was 20yrs ago, get over it already (which just makes me feel worse) or just criticises me for feeling that way, being oversensitve etc. I guess I'm annoyed with myself for not expressing my feelings and being unauthentic from an early age.

I'm not sure I could write them a thank you letter, but I've realised I have to take responsibility and resolve the issues myself. See where I made choices, see how I could have made others or forgive myself for the choices I made. It's so tempting to blame them, and maybe I'll give into it but unfortunately think I have to try not to. They will never get it anyway. I suppose the reason I'd want them to get it is so that we could work on our relationship and see why our relationship is as it is and how it could change.

All the best
Vicky

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by metamorph

So discussing this with my parents is to really give them this awareness. I so much wish someone had told me 10 or 20 years ago, to select your input carefully and to yes, march to your own drums. And to the other posters the question is: So is personal develpment really only something personal ? Should you keep it for yourself and leave others in their "blissful (or not) ignorance". Is it really only self-help or do you have an obligation (or at least the right) to also help others, esp the ones closest to you?

Looking back from your current perspective, it's easy to say you wish you knew all of this before...wish someone had told you. However, 10 or 20 years ago had someone told you "you should select your input carefully and march to your own drum" you may have dismissed them. It may not have been relevant to you then. We are each on a path and we learn things when we are ready to learn them. Everything happens in perfect time.

Personal Development is by definition personal. There's no need to keep it to yourself, but the desire to change someone else (even for their own good) is misguided in my opinion. If they are not aware, you cannot make them aware by telling them they should be. I tend to think that simply living your life in consciousness and awareness is the best example to others. Blame and "shoulds" have a negative effect on everyone involved. Your intent is good, but the execution would probably not have the results you want if done in the manner you are talking about.

It's a pain, I know, to have some new knowledge that you are so inspired by and not be able to have other people in your life "get it." But they have their own things to learn and you have plenty more to do yourself. So focus on you and then live your truth. And then when they ask about your glowing new delicious looking life, you can let them in on what you've discovered.

[dancer]

From experience, I can tell you that neither you nor your parents will gain from you telling them where they went wrong and blaming them for your hardships or limiting beliefs. However you disguise your motives it comes down to not taking responsibility for your life and playing the blaming game.

I advise you to focus on letting go of your resentment and allowing your parents to be who they are.

[Rafael Perez]

Remember that they are still in a stage of "I'll believe it when I see it." Make the change internally... Do it for yourself, your internal change will have a positive impact on their reality, if they choose to let it in.

Do not put focus on making them aware, this is wasted focus and may backfire, remember just as you have control of your thoughts, they also have their own freewill. Focus on your awareness and show them through action how your awareness has impacted your life in a positive way...

They will come to you... Just love them and be patient.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by metamorph

So discussing this with my parents is to really give them this awareness.

Metamorph, you can't give someone awareness. You can't make them have your awareness. Attempting to inflict your awareness (your life lessons) on another person who hasn't asked for it is telling them: "The way I think is superior to the way you think, my choices are conscious but yours are not, and it is for your own good that I give you this awareness."

This is not an approach that generates freedom, joy, or love, in my experience.

I think that "For Your Own Good" is one of the most destructive forces on the planet.

[Angela]

...by the way, you folks who have posted in this thread......

there is so much rich insight, loving, intelligence, and clear communication and desire for the highest good for all going on here. It is so much fun to read what you are writing.

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Looking back from your current perspective, it's easy to say you wish you knew all of this before...wish someone had told you. However, 10 or 20 years ago had someone told you "you should select your input carefully and march to your own drum" you may have dismissed them. It may not have been relevant to you then. We are each on a path and we learn things when we are ready to learn them. Everything happens in perfect time.

Personal Development is by definition personal. There's no need to keep it to yourself, but the desire to change someone else (even for their own good) is misguided in my opinion. If they are not aware, you cannot make them aware by telling them they should be. I tend to think that simply living your life in consciousness and awareness is the best example to others. Blame and "shoulds" have a negative effect on everyone involved. Your intent is good, but the execution would probably not have the results you want if done in the manner you are talking about.

It's a pain, I know, to have some new knowledge that you are so inspired by and not be able to have other people in your life "get it." But they have their own things to learn and you have plenty more to do yourself. So focus on you and then live your truth. And then when they ask about your glowing new delicious looking life, you can let them in on what you've discovered.

Great post, thanks!

I think you understand where I am coming form, and, yes, I guess you are right. I do not want to be like some (religious) "missionary". Maybe self-help is truly personal. You are right, maybe 20 years ago I would not have had "receptors" to understand these concepts and maybe everyone needs to find the way oneself.
But at the end of the day it is your family not some strangers. Is it really different from making someone close to you aware of other dangers (e.g. tell them to go to a doctor because they did not realise that they could have diabetes or hypertension)?
Also, I feel I was "born" 5 years ago, and before that I just "existed" (unaware), and, in a way, I wish it had happened earlier (with some help). Maybe you are right, that I wolud not have been receptive to it, but who knows. Nobody tried. Another example: my parents have a friend you is 75 years old and who literally "never got it". To an extent that he had lived alone on 400 dollars a month without heating, health insurance, proper food etc for the last 40 years. He never had a girlfriend. And there is literally no obvious reason (he looks normal, has a uni degree etc) why he ended up like this other than very severe limiting beliefs which become very obvious when you meet him. He still dreams of getting a wife, but everyone knows he never will. Just imagine how his life might have been different if somebody had made him aware of his limiting beliefs when he was 25 years old. What if someone keeps doing the wrong things all his life without realising there is another way?

[Angela]

What if someone keeps doing the wrong things all his life without realising there is another way?

Metamorph, who are you to make such judgments in another person's life?

Your parents are perfect, whole and complete, exactly as they are and exactly as they are not. Just like you.

[Rafael Perez]

Originally Posted by Angela

...by the way, you folks who have posted in this thread......

there is so much rich insight, loving, intelligence, and clear communication and desire for the highest good for all going on here. It is so much fun to read what you are writing.

Yay!!! Angela you rock!! I love you, and you are right this is fun!!! Life is a splendid occasion!!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by metamorph

But at the end of the day it is your family not some strangers. Is it really different from making someone close to you aware of other dangers (e.g. tell them to go to a doctor because they did not realise that they could have diabetes or hypertension)?

Well, I think a lot of people are closed off to being made aware of physical dangers too. They don't want to hear that they will need to stop smoking and eat better to avoid that bypass. But, from my own experience, I can tell you that trying to make people understand just doesn't work and it drags you down in the process. You can be a light, a guide and the answerer of questions. My bf has some old pain. Me too. It's something I've been working with Angela on. I've made a lot of progress and continue to learn from the things she's taught me. I know it would help him. But if I tried to tell him he needed to do this process, he'd blow it off. He doesn't like being told what to do. Funny, no one really does. Something in one of Steve's articles comes into my head whenever I think of this topic. I went to grab the quote and realized it's just a short Q & A and each sentence is pertinent:

Ask Steve - Helping Stubborn People

Originally Posted by metamorph

Also, I feel I was "born" 5 years ago, and before that I just "existed" (unaware), and, in a way, I wish it had happened earlier (with some help). Maybe you are right, that I wolud not have been receptive to it, but who knows. Nobody tried.

What if they did try, but you were so ingrained in your way of being that you didn't even notice? You couldn't reject it because it didn't even appear on your radar it was so foreign. I feel the same as you that I was basically reborn recently and am just now really discovering what life is about. But as I've learned so much, I've realized some of the faint pointers from the past. They didn't even register in my consciousness back then, but they must have pointed me to the path I am on today. You can leave those guideposts for people in the way you live your life. And when they are ready to make a leap in consciousness, you will be the one they call to help them out or to celebrate with them.

Originally Posted by metamorph

Another example: my parents have a friend you is 75 years old and who literally "never got it". To an extent that he had lived alone on 400 dollars a month without heating, health insurance, proper food etc for the last 40 years. He never had a girlfriend. And there is literally no obvious reason (he looks normal, has a uni degree etc) why he ended up like this other than very severe limiting beliefs which become very obvious when you meet him. He still dreams of getting a wife, but everyone knows he never will. Just imagine how his life might have been different if somebody had made him aware of his limiting beliefs when he was 25 years old. What if someone keeps doing the wrong things all his life without realising there is another way?

I don't think there's a wrong way to live. It's taken me a long time to get to that point, but right now it feels very true to me. Everyone is doing the best they can. We are all in a different stage, we all have different lessons to learn. And we can't progress until we get them, so some of us keep going in circles out of stubborness (*raises hand*).

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by Angela

Metamorph, who are you to make such judgments in another person's life?

Your parents are perfect, whole and complete, exactly as they are and exactly as they are not. Just like you.

Of course they are! And yes, I was "perfect" even before I raised my level of awareness! But does it mean you should not change or grow? I, personally do not want to change back.

And, is it not sad if someone really wants something, but never found out how to do it? In the case of the friend of my parents, he literally states what he dreams of every time he is with them, but his thinking and action have always made sure he would not get there. All these years. Is this not sad? If you visit some of the "seduction" forums for men, you will see many posters who never had a girlfriend because they never got what they did (or thought) wrong over and over again. Until someone told them, and it made "click". And then the journey can start on the right path (a path that can lead to the aspired goal).

[Angela]

Originally Posted by metamorph

But does it mean you should not change or grow? I, personally do not want to change back.

And, is it not sad if someone really wants something, but never found out how to do it?

That's exactly it. YOU are interested in change and growth, and your choices are perfect for you. And it sounds like you're also interested in change and growth for your parents -- that's the part that's arrogant. Your parents' change and growth is up to them, not you. Your business is your change and growth.

The difference with your Seduction Buddies is that they are seeking, but you are committed to inflicting an awareness on your parents that they are not asking for.

Unsolicited advice is 100% about YOU and 0% about them. I know you want to help your parents, and I acknowledge you for that.

[Dannyboy1]

It's not going to be what you expect, but it really worked for me. The biggest tool you can use to make your parents really and truly listen is silence. Bear with me here. Don't guess what I mean just yet. Let me tell you a little story to explain how I figured this out and what exactly "it" is. My father was verbally and phsically abused by his dad. When I was young, he had a horrible temper. I don't need to get into the details, but I was a young and innocent child that was tormented in many ways that I still can relive even now if I really think about it. Later, as an adult, my father would still constantly trigger my pain with abusive comments and I would turn into an angry teenager again. I was always hugely embarrassed at the way I had acted and couldn't figure out how he got me into that state of mind. One day, I found out I had ADD, so I started on medication and was often not myself because I still hadn't figured out the correct dosage. I went down to Florida where my parents migrate to evey winter like geese and stayed with them one weekend. While I was there, I was so over-medicated that when someone talked to me, I went into deep thought, sometimes for a long time, before I responded. Everytime my father attacked me with a snide comment or yelled, I just stared at him and, once I thought about it, I decided not even to respond. Instead, without emotion, I would focus my attention on my computer or reading, or I'd just remove myself from his presence. It was amazing what started to happen. The look on his face everytime was one of inner contemplation. Because I didn't respond, the only thing he had to think about was what HE said. He couldn't attack me in his mind because I did nothing that he could judge. What wound up happening was, he began to realize he was overreacting and the comments and attacks diminished more and more until, by the end of the weekend, he actually said thank you for visiting. Then he had said something to me I had never heard him say in my entire adult life. He said, "You know, we REALLY enjoyed having you here." I was astonished. If you knew my father, you would have been too. Since then, our relationship has gotten better and better.

My experience has been that, to tell someone how they hurt you doesn't work. To use silence when they attack you without emotion gives them nothing to feed off of, so the only thing they can judge is themselves. It's very important not to show any hurt or resentment. Give them nothing to judge. If you don't react, the only thing they can assume is, it must be them not you. Be positive around them until they attack. Then, use silence. The growth in your relationship will be much more satisfying than trying to make them look at all their past mistakes.

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by Angela

That's exactly it. YOU are interested in change and growth, and your choices are perfect for you. And it sounds like you're also interested in change and growth for your parents -- that's the part that's arrogant. Your parents' change and growth is up to them, not you. Your business is your change and growth.

The difference with your Seduction Buddies is that they are seeking, but you are committed to inflicting an awareness on your parents that they are not asking for.

Unsolicited advice is 100% about YOU and 0% about them. I know you want to help your parents, and I acknowledge you for that.

Yes, you are right about the difference regarding the seduction buddies. But what if someone does not seek because they are sure there is no other way: like " you are the way you are born, and there is nothing you can do about it" ? There are people who literally told me this. And they are not alway s happy about it.

Both you and aspiring_to_clarity are right that it is not my business to change my parents or shape them according to my new values. And I realise from your honest responses to my posts there is a fine line between wanting to help and arrogance or covert resentment, I will need to closely watch. But I guess there is also a fine line between minding your own business and becoming self-centered.

Living by example is very good advice. However, in my experience especially old friends or family tend to not always see the changes you made. There are some friends who really treat me like they did 10 years ago referring to aspects of my personality long gone. They kind of have "memorised" you in a certain way and do not always reassess you. While new people I meet react to the "present" me. Does this make sense? This is especially true if you see old friends or family just occasionally per year.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by metamorph

But what if someone does not seek because they are sure there is no other way: like " you are the way you are born, and there is nothing you can do about it" ? There are people who literally told me this. And they are not alway s happy about it.

Yes, that is something I have grappled with! (right, {aspiring}?) It can be frustrating to hear people complaining about feeling powerless or ineffective or depressed, and at the same time they are resigned and convinced that this is just how things are -- this is reality.

There is a fellow whom I totally love who was so intensely interested in finding the woman of his life, but at the same time was 100% sure about his negative beliefs about women. He had one foot on the gas and the other on the brake and he wondered why he wasn't going anywhere. How I wanted to convince him that his beliefs were a matter of his own choice! How I wanted to free him of his limiting beliefs, so that he could have what he said he wanted: a wonderful, loving, long-term, mutually beneficial relationship! I love this guy, and so deeply want him to have what he wants, that I suffered a little -- my own old pain ("I am second rate") got activated when I found myself unable to "help" him. There have been other incidents, too, in which I have been committed to "helping" but something didn't feel quite free, loving, joyful or connected about the communication.

And it finally (!) got through my thick skull that I was "For Your Own Good"ing all over the place. I had it that my awareness was superior, that people *should* get what I'm saying about taking 100% responsibility for living a life you love* and most importantly: I heard people talking about what they want without really listening to what they were committed to.

What people say they want often sounds very simple, but what they are committed to is often so much more complex, personal, and unknowable to you. People are ready for what they are ready for, and that's perfectly perfect. It's not my job to change anyone's readiness, or to impart my way of thinking on them, to run them, make their choices, or make them happy. Not even the people I'm closest to. That's their job. My job is to generate freedom, connection, and joy. For me, that means Acceptance and Surrender. There's no need to fix anybody, because nobody's broken. Everybody is exactly where they should be, because that's where they are. For me to want them to be somewhere else is arguing with reality, and is a source of No Freedom. No Freedom = no connection, no joy, no love.

It's hard, yes? Because you want to make a difference in people's lives, but people will make their own choices, just as you will. I think you are committed to being a person who makes a difference, and also to being someone who grants people the freedom to be exactly who they are and exactly who they are not, though that may be a little more difficult!


*I have since adopted a way of being of Way Beyond 100% Responsibility; at the time I thought 100% was as high as you could get! My awareness was limited.

[Angela]

p.s.... the people who have "memorized" you have done so because you trained them, but now you have the power to re-train them to see you as the new possibilities you create for yourself. You have the power to inspire them. It might be more challenging than with the "new" people, but that's part of the fun, right?