confronting parents about their "mistakes"??

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

What people say they want often sounds very simple, but what they are committed to is often so much more complex, personal, and unknowable to you.

Quoted for truth.

Really, I've been that person who desperately wanted something (like your parents' friend does), but I found that until I was committed to it...nada.

It's why in Angela's coaching she asked me what I was willing to give up, what I was willing to do. Because even if you want freedom, until you are willing to be freedom, it's not gonna happen. And this applies to everything.

[babssoft]

Hi Metamorph,
I've been dealing with some anger toward my family recently, and I've made some really great discoveries.

For one, I think Steve is correct about finding ways to be grateful- IF this feels genuine for you right now. If it does not feel genuine, or like you are not ready to release your anger, then don't bother trying to force feeling grateful down your throat- it will just come back up again.

Instead, I would recommend spending some time meditating or allowing yourself to experience the anger, look at it, invite it in, and gently begin to question it and find out the real cause. Personally, I do feel that it's important to own our anger, and to allow it to be there. I also think it's a bad idea to try to put on a happy facade when really what we feel is anger and pain.

One question I find myself asking lately is "what am I really angry at?" The truth for me is that I am not angry at my parents, I am disappointed that their consciousness is lower than my own, and therefore that our relationship has to change drastically. Maybe it's not as strong or intimate as it once was, and this is frightening to me. But, this is part of growing up (which you never stop doing no matter how old you are). Sometimes we must accept that we can't be close to everyone we love. Relationships change and evolve, and it can be very upsetting, but ultimately, we need to find a way to live with it.

So, while I am not completely against the idea of stating your feelings, because I do see this as a way of asserting your boundaries, it seems that you have already tried this approach without success.

Therefore, I believe that above all else, the key in these types of situations is boundaries. I think the concept of personal boundaries is still highly underrated, as well as misunderstood. There are endless ways that one can defend one's integrity appropriately without destroying or corroding important relationships. When we erect boundaries, people who push those boundaries tend to give up when they see it's of no use. Using passive resistance will allow you to maintain your authenticity and integrity, while sending a strong message that outside opinions are not welcome. In effect, you are showing what you want in a way that is respectful of both parties. I encourage you to experiment with boundaries, and see if they keep up the lip service.

These relationships can be hard work, and it's very important to keep our own energy intact. When we try to change people, we dip into our personal energy reserve, agitating the delicate clarity and strength needed to really be effective in that situation. This is why trying to change others never works.

[robc]

My question to you is if it's really necessary for you to confront your parents to find peace in your life?

Based on my own personal experience in dealing with child abuse issues that seem to control your life and make you view your life and the people in with a specific set of "glasses".

Finding peace & harmony in your life doesn't require you to confront your parents.

Alot of things done to you while you are a child do in fact shape & mold you in the person you become. We don't know any better growing up, we learn from our parents because that's what kids are supposed to do.

However, there comes a time in your life when you become an adult and you should know between right & wrong hopefully and can finally take control of your life and take it in the direction you really want to go in.

It isn't easy and you may find yourself struggling before you get clarity on this.

Another hard lesson to learn is not to use your poor childhood experiences as a crutch for the way you act as an adult currently in your life. It's easy to do this, easy to fall into this trap and think nothing of it.

We are all responsible for our actions and if we do things and blame our negative childhood for those actions, we are actually just lying to ourselves. We're in control of our actions & our thoughts, we choose to do what we do and can't blame anyone else for our actions. The only person you can really control is yourself, no one else.

One thing for certain is this, you didn't get to choose your childhood and no one chooses to be a victim either. However, when you grow up and become an adult, you can choose to continue being a victim or you can choose to be a survivor/thriver who lets go of their past and let's go of those childhood things that hurt us so much. You can't forget the past but you can choose whether or not you live in the past and continue to focus all your energy on the past which leaves you with very little energy to live & exist in the present. Or you can choose to remember the past but live in the present, you can know with peace of mind that you couldn't control your childhood experiences but you do now have power to control your adulthood experiences and knowing you have that power to form the life you really want to live is exciting once you embrace that ability.

Unlock your inner potential, let go of your past, keep pressing forward, become a better person for yourself and you will see that you don't need to confront anyone about your past to have peace in the present. The only person you need to deal with and focus on is you.

I will also add the speaking to a therapist, a counsellor or a psychiatrist can help as well. Also have a good group of friends that don't mind lending an ear to allow you to vent your frustrations can also help alot.

Sharing your problem in this online forum helps alot too, I'm sure. You get a wide variety of feedback on your issue and get to experience different viewpoints on your specific issue which helps you look at your problem from many different angles, more so than if you just dealt with this yourself without anyone else's assistance.

Let us know how this works out, we're all interested in this topic and I'm sure we all wish you the best in achieving the peace you need in life.

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by Angela

And it finally (!) got through my thick skull that I was "For Your Own Good"ing all over the place. I had it that my awareness was superior, that people *should* get what I'm saying about taking 100% responsibility for living a life you love* and most importantly: I heard people talking about what they want without really listening to what they were committed to.

What people say they want often sounds very simple, but what they are committed to is often so much more complex, personal, and unknowable to you. People are ready for what they are ready for, and that's perfectly perfect. It's not my job to change anyone's readiness, or to impart my way of thinking on them, to run them, make their choices, or make them happy. Not even the people I'm closest to. That's their job. My job is to generate freedom, connection, and joy. For me, that means Acceptance and Surrender. There's no need to fix anybody, because nobody's broken. Everybody is exactly where they should be, because that's where they are. For me to want them to be somewhere else is arguing with reality, and is a source of No Freedom. No Freedom = no connection, no joy, no love.

It's hard, yes? Because you want to make a difference in people's lives, but people will make their own choices, just as you will. I think you are committed to being a person who makes a difference, and also to being someone who grants people the freedom to be exactly who they are and exactly who they are not, though that may be a little more difficult!


*I have since adopted a way of being of Way Beyond 100% Responsibility; at the time I thought 100% was as high as you could get! My awareness was limited.

Yes, thank you for this post!
There is indeed a difference between what you wish and what you are committed to. And without committment you will get nowhere. I guess, though, some people were committed at some stage in their life, but then it changed to resignation, because they did not find the right way, but instead kept banging their head against the wall over and over again and got frustatrated. Should you still not even "offer" help. I am with you in not trying to "convert" people against their will. I do not want to be a "missionary", but how about trying out if they are receptive? If I don't even raise the issue, how would I know if people are not "ready" to get it?

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by robc

My question to you is if it's really necessary for you to confront your parents to find peace in your life?

Based on my own personal experience in dealing with child abuse issues that seem to control your life and make you view your life and the people in with a specific set of "glasses".

Finding peace & harmony in your life doesn't require you to confront your parents.

Alot of things done to you while you are a child do in fact shape & mold you in the person you become. We don't know any better growing up, we learn from our parents because that's what kids are supposed to do.

However, there comes a time in your life when you become an adult and you should know between right & wrong hopefully and can finally take control of your life and take it in the direction you really want to go in.

It isn't easy and you may find yourself struggling before you get clarity on this.

Another hard lesson to learn is not to use your poor childhood experiences as a crutch for the way you act as an adult currently in your life. It's easy to do this, easy to fall into this trap and think nothing of it.

We are all responsible for our actions and if we do things and blame our negative childhood for those actions, we are actually just lying to ourselves. We're in control of our actions & our thoughts, we choose to do what we do and can't blame anyone else for our actions. The only person you can really control is yourself, no one else.

One thing for certain is this, you didn't get to choose your childhood and no one chooses to be a victim either. However, when you grow up and become an adult, you can choose to continue being a victim or you can choose to be a survivor/thriver who lets go of their past and let's go of those childhood things that hurt us so much. You can't forget the past but you can choose whether or not you live in the past and continue to focus all your energy on the past which leaves you with very little energy to live & exist in the present. Or you can choose to remember the past but live in the present, you can know with peace of mind that you couldn't control your childhood experiences but you do now have power to control your adulthood experiences and knowing you have that power to form the life you really want to live is exciting once you embrace that ability.

Unlock your inner potential, let go of your past, keep pressing forward, become a better person for yourself and you will see that you don't need to confront anyone about your past to have peace in the present. The only person you need to deal with and focus on is you.

I will also add the speaking to a therapist, a counsellor or a psychiatrist can help as well. Also have a good group of friends that don't mind lending an ear to allow you to vent your frustrations can also help alot.

Sharing your problem in this online forum helps alot too, I'm sure. You get a wide variety of feedback on your issue and get to experience different viewpoints on your specific issue which helps you look at your problem from many different angles, more so than if you just dealt with this yourself without anyone else's assistance.

Let us know how this works out, we're all interested in this topic and I'm sure we all wish you the best in achieving the peace you need in life.

Thanks for your post, but it is really not so much about my peace of mind. I am not worried that I will develop more and more inner peace and fulfillment in the course of time and now being more aware. And (as opposed to what some other posters suggested) I am not "angry" with my parents. The question really is "should you only be concerned with your own inner peace or would it not be great to also help the ones closest to you". I feel the answer is to just mind your own peace and business, and Angela and -aspiring- appear to also favour this. But something also rings an alarm bell: is it maybe not just part of the kind of rugged, western, ego-centred attitude we have in most other aspects of out lives whether career-related, success-related?

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

What if they did try, but you were so ingrained in your way of being that you didn't even notice? You couldn't reject it because it didn't even appear on your radar it was so foreign. I feel the same as you that I was basically reborn recently and am just now really discovering what life is about. But as I've learned so much, I've realized some of the faint pointers from the past. They didn't even register in my consciousness back then, but they must have pointed me to the path I am on today.

I am sure there were "pointers", but I guess I was also one of the people who did not really believe you could change the way you are. There certainly has been nobody saying constructively and with the best of intentions: "look metamorph, I observed you for a while and I see that you seems to struggle with this or that more than others. I have been in a similar situation myself, and I wonder if I could give you my opinion: have you ever considered...."

[Angela]

Originally Posted by metamorph

If I don't even raise the issue, how would I know if people are not "ready" to get it?

If you feel attached in any way to them *getting* it, then it's not them that's ready, it's YOU that is ripe for a lesson.

When you are totally, 100% accepting of who they are and who they are not, with zero emotional charge in needing them to change or to get what you are trying to give them, then you'll know you're acting out of love and generosity, rather than projection.

Of course you can talk about something you've noticed in people's lives, like you just wrote to {aspiring}, of course you can be compassionate and offer unsolicited observation or unattached suggestion. What you have described in this thread does not sound anything like observation or suggestion, though -- it sounds just like emotional charge and attachment. That's why the responders here have counseled you so strongly to look again.

"Unattached" by the way does not mean "cowboy." It's not a matter of being separate, independent and unconcerned. It's a matter of being totally compassionate and loving, and granting people the freedom to be exactly who they are and exactly who they are not, regardless of what you think they *should* be. As long as you harbor thoughts of what your parents *should* be or do, you'll know you are being attached, and you are not generating freedom of love -- you'll know it's YOU, not them.

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by Angela

If you feel attached in any way to them *getting* it, then it's not them that's ready, it's YOU that is ripe for a lesson.

When you are totally, 100% accepting of who they are and who they are not, with zero emotional charge in needing them to change or to get what you are trying to give them, then you'll know you're acting out of love and generosity, rather than projection.

Of course you can talk about something you've noticed in people's lives, like you just wrote to {aspiring}, of course you can be compassionate and offer unsolicited observation or unattached suggestion. What you have described in this thread does not sound anything like observation or suggestion, though -- it sounds just like emotional charge and attachment. That's why the responders here have counseled you so strongly to look again.

I am fully accepting how they are and do not need or want to change them. I live my life and they live theirs. We do not even live in the same country. But I realise just how similar I was to them, when it comes to limiting beliefs. And I realise how much it has given me to become unchained from these beliefs. So I would feel bad if I would not give something back to them and let them enjoy the same relief when this burden of limiting beliefs is lifted. It is not that they have to change, I want to give them this opportunity. If they are not receptive to it, it is perfectly fine. I am not going to sulk or be dissappointed or something. Why can such impulses not come from me,who is closest to them both in terms of relationship and psychology.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by metamorph

I am fully accepting how they are and do not need or want to change them. I live my life and they live theirs. We do not even live in the same country. But I realise just how similar I was to them, when it comes to limiting beliefs. And I realise how much it has given me to become unchained from these beliefs. So I would feel bad if I would not give something back to them and let them enjoy the same relief when this burden of limiting beliefs is lifted. It is not that they have to change, I want to give them this opportunity. If they are not receptive to it, it is perfectly fine. I am not going to sulk or be dissappointed or something. Why can such impulses not come from me,who is closest to them both in terms of relationship and psychology.

Read my earlier post. I really think that being around them and not reacting when they hit your triggers makes them truly think about what they're doing to you and causes a major shift in their thinking. I've seen it. I've accomplished the impossible with my parents. Our relationship is totally different now.

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

Read my earlier post. I really think that being around them and not reacting when they hit your triggers makes them truly think about what they're doing to you and causes a major shift in their thinking. I've seen it. I've accomplished the impossible with my parents. Our relationship is totally different now.

Dannyboy, I did read your post and thank you for your ideas. But I do think from reading your posts that your situation is quite different. My parents are not "abusive" or derogatory to me in their comments. In the examples I gave in earlier posts in this thread, I did sometimes not react and just let my mother talk. But don't think this stopped her for long

[Angela]

Originally Posted by metamorph

So I would feel bad if I would not give something back to them and let them enjoy the same relief when this burden of limiting beliefs is lifted.

That is what I mean by being attached. If you don't get what you want ("to give something back and let them enjoy the same relief when this burden of limiting beliefs is lifted"), then you would feel bad. This is a great indication that the opportunity for growth here is yours, not theirs.

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by Angela

That is what I mean by being attached. If you don't get what you want ("to give something back and let them enjoy the same relief when this burden of limiting beliefs is lifted"), then you would feel bad. This is a great indication that the opportunity for growth here is yours, not theirs.

I accept that

I don't think I am attached to the outcome (them becoming aware), but I seem to be attached to the desire to offer help to my parents. But is this "attachment" not the driving force behind the "desire to help" in general? So, is the desire to help someone in itself the problem? Where would this lead us, if it was? To everyone really minding one's own business in all walks of life?

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by metamorph

Dannyboy, I did read your post and thank you for your ideas. But I do think from reading your posts that your situation is quite different. My parents are not "abusive" or derogatory to me in their comments. In the examples I gave in earlier posts in this thread, I did sometimes not react and just let my mother talk. But don't think this stopped her for long

What I'm saying is the best way to make someone think about what they're saying to you is to not speak when they act ignorant or press your triggers. People tend not to listen to you when you tell them something. What they hear are the ways they can counter or debate you. But if you obviously pull out of a conversation suddenly, they'll wonder why and they'll start to reason themselves about what they said. "Why did he stop talking? What did I say that could have... What did he think I said? What did I say and how could it have been misconstrued? Am I wrong? Let me see... what exactly did I say?"

Pulling out of a conversation is a brilliant way to take the wind out of someone's sails, avoid an arguement, and get them to think more deeply about what they said because you have removed their ability to focus on what you're saying. You didn't say anything, so they have nothing to argue with. Yet they know you disagreed exactly when they said something, so they start to focus on themselves. What I'm saying is, don't preach to them. Make them figure it out themselves.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by metamorph

So, is the desire to help someone in itself the problem?

It looks to me like your desire is not to help them so much as to fix them.

Why do you think they need your help? Because you had problems, you successfully surmounted those problems, and you think you recognize the same problems in your parents lives.

Being attached to helping an adult who doesn't express a desire for help is not helping. It's a complete lack of trust.

Like you, each of us experiences our own challenges in life, and we learn how to expand into who we really are by owning our own choices. When you're attached to helping, you are actually interfering in that process. If your parents were to say to you, "Look, we can see that you are glowing with self-esteem and vitality. How do you do that, cuz we'd like to have that for ourselves." Then what you have to offer would be help. But if they are living their lives, even if you don't approve of their choices and even if it looks to you like they're not as happy as you think they could be, your attachment to your desire to help is intrusive and wrong-making.

By starting a thread here you invited people to give you their feedback on your circumstance. No one here has any emotional charge in whether or not you heed or even listen to what we have to say. If someone were to suddenly get upset or angry or hurt about your not taking their advice, you'd know it's all about them and nothing about you, right? And if, instead of having invited feedback, I just walked up to you cold and said, "You are failing at something that I have suffered from and successfully overcome. I'm going to show you how to stop all this failure and fulfill your potential as a human being." Well, I think you would probably be affronted. It's not my job to judge what you are failing at or what you should focus on in your personal growth. One path is the desire to make a difference in people's lives with no attachment, and the other path is intervention and projection.

Another example might be if I see a woman struggling in a wheelchair and I get attached to "helping" her get where she wants to go. It's very likely that it's her struggle itself that is really helping her. For me to decide she needs my help would be contrary to what she's actually commited to: e.g., building strength, fortitude, and self-reliance. Although I might say, "can you use some assistance?" She might ask me to buy her a banana, or to give her a little push, or leave her alone. It would be insulting for me to insist that she needs my help, and what form that help should take.

In that way, your next right action in a commitment to making a difference might be to ask your parents if they would like your help with anything in their lives. Ask them what they are focusing on in their growth or otherwise that you might be assistance in. If you really want to make a difference, be available to listen to them rather than confronting them. It's possible that you might be able to demonstrate what you're concerned about, and it's also possible that your help will consist of something you've never even thought of.

As others have said here, one possible way for you to make a difference without attachment is to live your life in such a way that you are a living, breathing embodiment of inspiration. (as opposed to an interventionist wrong-maker.) In that case, your help may consist of simply being present to your parents as your new inspiring way of being. You might never even have to have this "confrontation" you desire; simply Being inspiration and freedom is often more than enough.

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by Angela

It looks to me like your desire is not to help them so much as to fix them.

Why do you think they need your help? Because you had problems, you successfully surmounted those problems, and you think you recognize the same problems in your parents lives.

Being attached to helping an adult who doesn't express a desire for help is not helping. It's a complete lack of trust.

Like you, each of us experiences our own challenges in life, and we learn how to expand into who we really are by owning our own choices. When you're attached to helping, you are actually interfering in that process. If your parents were to say to you, "Look, we can see that you are glowing with self-esteem and vitality. How do you do that, cuz we'd like to have that for ourselves." Then what you have to offer would be help. But if they are living their lives, even if you don't approve of their choices and even if it looks to you like they're not as happy as you think they could be, your attachment to your desire to help is intrusive and wrong-making.

By starting a thread here you invited people to give you their feedback on your circumstance. No one here has any emotional charge in whether or not you heed or even listen to what we have to say. If someone were to suddenly get upset or angry or hurt about your not taking their advice, you'd know it's all about them and nothing about you, right? And if, instead of having invited feedback, I just walked up to you cold and said, "You are failing at something that I have suffered from and successfully overcome. I'm going to show you how to stop all this failure and fulfill your potential as a human being." Well, I think you would probably be affronted. It's not my job to judge what you are failing at or what you should focus on in your personal growth. One path is the desire to make a difference in people's lives with no attachment, and the other path is intervention and projection.

Another example might be if I see a woman struggling in a wheelchair and I get attached to "helping" her get where she wants to go. It's very likely that it's her struggle itself that is really helping her. For me to decide she needs my help would be contrary to what she's actually commited to: e.g., building strength, fortitude, and self-reliance. Although I might say, "can you use some assistance?" She might ask me to buy her a banana, or to give her a little push, or leave her alone. It would be insulting for me to insist that she needs my help, and what form that help should take.

In that way, your next right action in a commitment to making a difference might be to ask your parents if they would like your help with anything in their lives. Ask them what they are focusing on in their growth or otherwise that you might be assistance in. If you really want to make a difference, be available to listen to them rather than confronting them. It's possible that you might be able to demonstrate what you're concerned about, and it's also possible that your help will consist of something you've never even thought of.

As others have said here, one possible way for you to make a difference without attachment is to live your life in such a way that you are a living, breathing embodiment of inspiration. (as opposed to an interventionist wrong-maker.) In that case, your help may consist of simply being present to your parents as your new inspiring way of being. You might never even have to have this "confrontation" you desire; simply Being inspiration and freedom is often more than enough.

Just to thank you all for contributing to this post. It was really inspiring! Angela, thanks, I will let this sink in for a while and maybe pick it up one day again.

[Brutha]

In the examples I gave in earlier posts in this thread, I did sometimes not react and just let my mother talk. But don't think this stopped her for long

I think there are different forms of "not reacting".
One is to seek eye contact and feel total gratitude for being alive and with your mom and just be there with her.
If you are present with another person it affects them.

The other way of "not reacting" is to turn away and "let her talk".