Reality is ruining my life...

[Foggy]

I know for a fact that I'm an intelligent person... growing up it was one of the things that kept me going; knowing that I was the smartest person in the world... wow was that a rude awakening for me when I realized that there are actually people out there that make me look quite stupid in comparison. I might not actually be anything special after all. Truth is, it was one of the few things I gave myself credit for.

Social awkwardness is incredibly pervasive in my life, I've learned to stop trying to think creatively because usually the things that I think are clever or funny to say simply aren't. I realized a while back that the reason I'm not accepted or popular wasn't because the people around me were jerks but because I'm boring and weird... and frankly feel quite emasculated by it.

When I was young I had this ideal vision of my life; that I would fall in love, get married, have children, and live happily with my wife who would complete me and love me unconditionally. Unfortunately, I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as unconditional love. In order to be loved you must first be able to offer something, and where I tend to be fairly boring and unoriginal person I try to make up for it by playing subtle mind games with people I'm interested in to keep them challenged by the idea that I might not like them; it's an act, and one that I know I couldn't keep up forever in a relationship so whenever I do get in a relationship I spend more time worrying about when the other person is going to notice me for who I really am and find someone more interesting.

I don't know. I'm rambling because I'm depressed. I'm not very organized either, could you tell? The truth is, I'm generally a pretty happy person; not happy with who I am, but happy because it feels better than any alternative. And then something will happen and I'll get depressed and I'll realize I don't have much reason to be happy; so I'll go online to some message board (because I'd rather break down in front of people who don't know me in real life) and spend an hour writing a post like this, sometimes I won't even post it, but just typing it out makes me feel better somehow but it never changes anything. It's a cycle, just like every other aspect of my life, repetitive and boring and it's not going anywhere positive. Basically what I want out of my life is to be the following:

Funny
Interesting
Good Conversationalist
Organized
Original
Normal
Talented at something

I don't feel like I have any of these qualities. I've given up searching for a magic bullet, and most of the time I don't feel like it's realistic that I could create all these traits for myself. I really wish there was someone out there who could say "Yeah man, I've been exactly where you are right now and now I'm exactly where you want to be and I can help you develop all these skills." But so far I've been led to believe that personal development is overrated, that there's only so far beyond our genetic blue print that we can go.

[The Cloud]

You're having trouble being funny because you're afraid you aren't. I have an experiment for you. Every time you are in a situation where you find yourself trying to force yourself to be funny, let them win. You're trying to use humor as a way to win at something, to be better than something or somebody, even if it's just yourself. Identify who you're trying to be better than, and let them win. Allow them their victory, and stop playing the game of trying to be more hilarious than they are. This won't make you more funny, but it will make you more relaxed because you don't have to try to meet some goal of humor all the time.

[Ree]

In your OP I noticed two things that came up over and over: You pretend a lot and you compare yourself to others a lot. Both of these are ways in which you self-sabotage.

First, don't pretend; just DON'T do it. Be yourself. If you don't know who that is, check this out.

What is The Work of Byron Katie?


Second, stop comparing yourself to others. There is always -- and I really mean ALWAYS -- somebody funnier, smarter, savvier, better looking, skinnier, shapelier, stronger, et cetera than you are. Embrace everyone around you for who they are.... and most importantly embrace yourself for who you are.

Learn to listen. Don't worry about what you're going to say next or what everybody is going to think after you say whatever you're going to say next. Do you see what you're doing when you do this? You're projecting several exchanges into the conversation and deciding way ahead of time that you're going to bomb and everybody is going to look down on you. Don't do it. Just flow with the conversation and most importantly, really listen, really absorb what the other person is saying and respond to that with genuine sincerity.

[Marco Polo]

Reality is ruining your life? Well at least you're not being ruined by the Wizard of Oz in the 104th dimension. That's where it gets REALLY complicated.

Seriously though, stop looking for the "magic bullet". Conscious personal development is what you need - you're on the right website and everything - you just need to patient with yourself. Take small steps towards your goals instead of giant leaps.

[Rafael Perez]

You will be surprised to know that I felt the same way. Wow, two wierd people out in the world. I want you to know that there is no such thing as normal. Everyone is wierd and that is a wonderful thing.

You are focusing on a lot of negative about yourself. A rule of thumb is "you are what you say you are." If these are your dominant beliefs then this is the reality you are creating.

You sound like you have a high awareness of self, everyone lies. There was a study and it was found that the average person lies about three times every ten minutes.

A good first step for you is to stop trying to impress everyone and just be yourself. Become your own best friend, once you do that and start to look at all your quirks as something wonderful you will attract people to you that will love you for you. Then you could be yourself.

You acknowledge the lies and the manipulation, now just stop lying about things, make it only your truth that leaves your lips. Then you could focus on a relationship where the person will fall in love for who you are.

Unconditional love does exist, do not compromise who you are and do not allow someone to compromise who they are for you. Do not expect things from them and just love them for who they are and do things for them without expecting any type of reaction.

The problem with majority of relationships is that we enter them lying to ourself and others and will jump through hoops to keep that person around. You end up doing things that are not in line with yourself and eventually resent that person when they do not meet your needs.

Go in with full honesty;a good example:

You say "I love you."

what you should say is "I am saying I love you, because I need to hear you say I love you back to me, because I need someone to show me love because I just can't love myself."

Just be honest with yourself, love yourself for the unique person you are. No one out there could be a better you than you. Stop trying to meet the worlds expectations of normal, there is no such thing... just be you.

You are perfect, you are amazing, you are great.

[Foggy]

Hey, thanks everyone for your responses... this is a great community, it's awesome that people here are so willing to dedicate their time to helping others and here I am obsessing over myself.

You're having trouble being funny because you're afraid you aren't. I have an experiment for you. Every time you are in a situation where you find yourself trying to force yourself to be funny, let them win. You're trying to use humor as a way to win at something, to be better than something or somebody, even if it's just yourself. Identify who you're trying to be better than, and let them win. Allow them their victory, and stop playing the game of trying to be more hilarious than they are. This won't make you more funny, but it will make you more relaxed because you don't have to try to meet some goal of humor all the time.

I was confused by this at first, but it's definitely relevant advice. Actually, I've already been doing this to a certain extent (not forcing myself to try and be funny)... that's what makes it so hard to develop humor. If you want to get stronger you develop a workout routine. If you want to become funnier, you can't do it by forcing yourself to be funny for a while everyday. Relaxing would be easier as long as I was confident that developing humor is possible and that I was making progress.

In your OP I noticed two things that came up over and over: You pretend a lot and you compare yourself to others a lot. Both of these are ways in which you self-sabotage.

First, don't pretend; just DON'T do it. Be yourself. If you don't know who that is, check this out.

What is The Work of Byron Katie?


Second, stop comparing yourself to others. There is always -- and I really mean ALWAYS -- somebody funnier, smarter, savvier, better looking, skinnier, shapelier, stronger, et cetera than you are. Embrace everyone around you for who they are.... and most importantly embrace yourself for who you are.

Learn to listen. Don't worry about what you're going to say next or what everybody is going to think after you say whatever you're going to say next. Do you see what you're doing when you do this? You're projecting several exchanges into the conversation and deciding way ahead of time that you're going to bomb and everybody is going to look down on you. Don't do it. Just flow with the conversation and most importantly, really listen, really absorb what the other person is saying and respond to that with genuine sincerity.

I don't know how much I pretend; maybe it's more apparent to others than to me. At the moment I think I know who I am, but maybe not? I'll check out that website sometime.

I love listening to people; I actually would rather listen to other peoples stories in conversations than tell my own, which I think is partly because I'm not confident in my own ability to be interesting. I'm not actually very good at turning around what people say and adding my own input though. Most of the time I'll think for a second and be like "I know what you mean" or whatever but no have anything to contribute. I'm the kind of person who if I'm not careful, I'll end up using the same words and phrases over and over again throughout an essay and in the same way I've developed a few ways to respond in conversation that I use repetitively. I understand the idea of not predetermining that I'm going to look stupid in a conversation and being genuine, but if I do that I also feel like I'm practicing being boring.

Reality is ruining your life? Well at least you're not being ruined by the Wizard of Oz in the 104th dimension. That's where it gets REALLY complicated.

That would certainly be a more interesting problem to try and work through though.

You are focusing on a lot of negative about yourself. A rule of thumb is "you are what you say you are." If these are your dominant beliefs then this is the reality you are creating.

You sound like you have a high awareness of self, everyone lies. There was a study and it was found that the average person lies about three times every ten minutes.

A good first step for you is to stop trying to impress everyone and just be yourself. Become your own best friend, once you do that and start to look at all your quirks as something wonderful you will attract people to you that will love you for you. Then you could be yourself.

You acknowledge the lies and the manipulation, now just stop lying about things, make it only your truth that leaves your lips. Then you could focus on a relationship where the person will fall in love for who you are.

Unconditional love does exist, do not compromise who you are and do not allow someone to compromise who they are for you. Do not expect things from them and just love them for who they are and do things for them without expecting any type of reaction.

The problem with majority of relationships is that we enter them lying to ourself and others and will jump through hoops to keep that person around. You end up doing things that are not in line with yourself and eventually resent that person when they do not meet your needs.

Go in with full honesty;a good example:

You say "I love you."

what you should say is "I am saying I love you, because I need to hear you say I love you back to me, because I need someone to show me love because I just can't love myself."

Just be honest with yourself, love yourself for the unique person you are. No one out there could be a better you than you. Stop trying to meet the worlds expectations of normal, there is no such thing... just be you.

You are perfect, you are amazing, you are great.

I'm actually a very honest person... except with girls, and then it's more manipulation, like what you were saying only to a greater extreme. I actually don't see anything wrong with being a bit manipulative in a relationship on a flirtatious level to create attraction, but what I'm doing is laced with a desire to protect my ego. Self love is conditional as well I'd say; people make it sound so easy, like suddenly you can accept yourself without having any external reinforcers, but I think at a certain point it's impossible to fully accept yourself until you start creating positive results around you through whatever whether it be noticeable self improvement, successful career, etc.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Foggy

Relaxing would be easier as long as I was confident that developing humor is possible and that I was making progress.

It depends. What kind of humor do you want to develop? If you want to be the next Rowan Atkinson, then you are right... relaxing is not going to help! Developing good stage humor is a matter of practice, practice, practice and being very serious about your humor. Some of the best comedians are dreadfully humorless in real life, because they so effectively channel all that energy into their act.

I'm guessing, though, that you just want to be considered funny by your friends and peers. For that, you do need to relax. Chill out. You need to allow yourself to risk being not funny. Because it's when you are not even trying to be funny, that the best laughs come out. Accidental humor is so easy that it isn't even funny! Really! What sets those hard working comedians apart from us normal people is that they can deliberately make something humorous sound accidental and unforced. It's a tough skill to acquire, but that's why they fill theaters every night...

You don't need that, right?

[Foggy]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

It depends. What kind of humor do you want to develop? If you want to be the next Rowan Atkinson, then you are right... relaxing is not going to help! Developing good stage humor is a matter of practice, practice, practice and being very serious about your humor. Some of the best comedians are dreadfully humorless in real life, because they so effectively channel all that energy into their act.

I'm guessing, though, that you just want to be considered funny by your friends and peers. For that, you do need to relax. Chill out. You need to allow yourself to risk being not funny. Because it's when you are not even trying to be funny, that the best laughs come out. Accidental humor is so easy that it isn't even funny! Really! What sets those hard working comedians apart from us normal people is that they can deliberately make something humorous sound accidental and unforced. It's a tough skill to acquire, but that's why they fill theaters every night...

You don't need that, right?

Yeah, you're right, I'm not looking to be a world class comedian. My goal is to be able to say take someone out on a date and be able to keep them laughing the whole time, or hang out with friends and not feel isolated because they're all joking around and I can't think of anything to say.

[Dahlia]

I haven't read all of the replies but here's my 2 cent.

It sounds me like you're still searching for yourself. All of this "Be yourself" stuff can be pretty hard to grasp. What does it mean? How do you get there? Trust me, I've been searching for 5-6 yrs now and I still don't know who "myself" is exactly. However, I have found some things that define who I am and by that, it's by defining the things I like and I don't like.

Like I have equal interest in fashion as much as I believe in spirituality that has nothing to do with religion. I like cupcakes and sunny days. Things like that.

What I don't like? Seafood, bugs, people who drive with their blinkers on, etc.

The so-called "faults" or imperfections are "normal". There are many societies in the world that have defined what is or isn't normal (some find eating pig is dirty, other just love the taste of bacon). It just goes to show you that nobody has a damn clue what's normal and what's not because everyone has a different vision of it.

Once you start doing something about changing your life situation, it's a breeze after that. The first step is the hardest, but you have to cast your fear aside and just free yourself from your negative thoughts and just go after what you want. I've fancied the thought of becoming a fashion journalist. So I took journalism classes (never graduated but I don't care), was able to land a non-paying job in being a fashion writer for an online fashion magazine. I got to interview designers, go to fashion shows, and do something that I loved. I'm not Pulitzer prize winning writer...but who cares? I got to do something that I liked! Just take baby steps, you'll eventually find the world full of possibilities.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Foggy

Relaxing would be easier as long as I was confident that developing humor is possible and that I was making progress.

All it really takes is confidence that you really do want to develop humor. I say that as if it's so easy. It is. It's so easy that everybody has trouble with it, because everything worthwhile in life is supposed to be hard work. Then when we find out that something isn't hard work, that if we allow it to it will happen, we don't know what to do other than to try to work hard at it.

But you can't work hard at being confident, because you only work hard for things you don't have. Working hard at being confident is the antithesis of confidence. By working hard at it, you reinforce the idea that you don't have it. Just let yourself want this, and the rest will happen with no "work" at all.

[Foggy]

Hey thanks again for your responsees everyone. I'm feeling significantly better now. This is the upswing of my cycle, but I can honestly say that from this position I have a serious love for my life and an honest belief that I am improving even if it is very gradual. My one wish is that I could avoid those moments where I feel devoid of hope, but maybe that's just part of the ride; I don't even know if I would want to be happy all the time.