Finding a partner with same personal goals and values

[metamorph]

Hi everyone

I am new to this forum and this is my first post

I have been into self-help and personal development for about 5 years now. Although I might not be the right person to judge it, I feel to be a very different person today than I was before. I have changed many of my old habits and thought patterns, but when I am in romantic relationships with someone, who does not have the same self-help background and focus as me, I feel challenged to fall back into old habits.
For example I tried to reduce or stop gossiping, moaning, being negative and being too reactive. I started to really enjoy periods of silence for meditation and do not need external stimuli all the time.
However, I find it hard to find partners with these same values. My last 2 girlfriends for instance would "need" to talk about every emotional detail of their workday, gossip about colleagues etc. They would "need" to switch the TV or radio on all the time. These relationships lasted both less than 6 months.

My question really is how to cope with partners you like for many other reasons, but who do not share your "self-help values and ideas". I used to find it really hard to even discuss these things with partners. My concern is falling back into old patterns (gossiping, worrying, negativity, reactivity, low self-esteem etc) because there is no doubt that people will influence eachother over the time. In a way I am worried about being dragged into the wrong direction again. Am I being petty?

Maybe I just found the wrong women, but then I find it really hard to find people in real life with whom I can discuss or share the topics we would discuss on these boards.
Overall self-help has helped me loads and my social life is better than ever, but I also think on a very deep personal level it has made me more lonely. Does this make sense?

[Stu]

You're right to worry about falling back in to old patterns. I've written about a research study ( Is Happiness Contagious? ) that studied obesity and how likely it was that you would get obese if someone in your social circle got obese. (If your spouse or significant other becomes obese you're 37% more likely to become obese, an obese friend means you're 57% more likely to become obese) But it's not just obesity; your happiness, depression, favorite foods, drinking behavior, they're all influenced by your social circle.

As far as a solution... have you considered internet dating? It sounds kind of cheesy at first I know but you can find out a lot about someone's personality from a internet dating profile. I imagine most internet dating sites would even let you search by keyword, so you could search for potential dates interested in self-help. Two popular (and free) sites are plentyoffish.com and okcupid.com

Hope that helps!

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by Stu

You're right to worry about falling back in to old patterns. I've written about a research study ( Is Happiness Contagious? ) that studied obesity and how likely it was that you would get obese if someone in your social circle got obese. (If your spouse or significant other becomes obese you're 37% more likely to become obese, an obese friend means you're 57% more likely to become obese) But it's not just obesity; your happiness, depression, favorite foods, drinking behavior, they're all influenced by your social circle.

As far as a solution... have you considered internet dating? It sounds kind of cheesy at first I know but you can find out a lot about someone's personality from a internet dating profile. I imagine most internet dating sites would even let you search by keyword, so you could search for potential dates interested in self-help. Two popular (and free) sites are plentyoffish.com and okcupid.com

Hope that helps!

Thank you very much for your response

I have not tried Internet dating, maybe because I like flirting and meeting women in real life too much. And, as shallow as it may sound, the first real life impression is often crucial for me as far as attraction goes. But I think your idea is still very good,because with online dating I could narrow down my search according to certain key interests in life the partner should have in common with me. Is there a dating forum on this site

But apart from dating, have you got a lot of friends in real life with whom you can discuss things we discuss on these sites? I don't, although I have great friends! It just seems to me, self development (at least here in Europe) is either unpopular or a very private matter. I gave "seven habits" by Covey to one of my best friends as a present, and I could really see/feel that he did not like the "idea" of self help books at all. I think this is quite sad, and I wish there were more people in real life with whom I could share my journey.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by metamorph

Is there a dating forum on this site

Sadly, no. But maybe Steve should consider launching a Dating for Smart People(tm) spin-off!

I'd sign up

[Yellow]

Originally Posted by metamorph

Thank you very much for your response

I have not tried Internet dating, maybe because I like flirting and meeting women in real life too much. And, as shallow as it may sound, the first real life impression is often crucial for me as far as attraction goes. But I think your idea is still very good,because with online dating I could narrow down my search according to certain key interests in life the partner should have in common with me. Is there a dating forum on this site

But apart from dating, have you got a lot of friends in real life with whom you can discuss things we discuss on these sites? I don't, although I have great friends! It just seems to me, self development (at least here in Europe) is either unpopular or a very private matter. I gave "seven habits" by Covey to one of my best friends as a present, and I could really see/feel that he did not like the "idea" of self help books at all. I think this is quite sad, and I wish there were more people in real life with whom I could share my journey.

I can relate to you on friends part. I did JUST that, bought her a copy of 7 habits and she wasn't very happy. She didn't touch it until years after when a boss of hers who was quite into 7 habits talked to her about it.

About you falling behind, I can understand that. My boyfriend, who was a lot more into personal development when we started going out, did feel like he fell back a bit because I wasn't into it. I am hoping it wasn't that bad because I understood his concepts on a philosophical level and agreed with him because of my own experience with PD. I just wasn't there, emotionally. But he stood there patiently , helped me through some very difficult times and now both of us are doing better and can do much better now that I have the capacity to consciously make that my goal. We have also built a strong relationship

What I am saying is, may be find someone who at least understands what you are talking about and is willing to make positive changes regardless of if they are ready? But that depends on if you have the patience to stick with the person until they really get to it.

[Stu]

I don't have many (maybe not any) friends that I can really talk with about personal development either. I agree self-help has a bad image, and it really is too bad. I think that's changing though, because psychology (which is what self-help is based on ultimately) is taking a lot more interest in topics like happiness, creativity, life-fulfillment, etc.. and my hope is that all the new psychological research going on in self-help topics will give self-help some more legitimacy by making it more scientific.

A lot of this new psychological research is happening in a field called positive psychology. In fact, the harvard course on positive psychology is the most popular course at harvard, and it's taught by Tal Ben-Shahar, who wrote 'Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment'. I haven't read the book so I can't comment, but I have read a lot of the psychological research that it's based on and it's really fascinating stuff.

So if you're looking to broach self-help as a topic to someone they might be more receptive if you introduce it as psychology rather than self-help.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by metamorph

Is there a dating forum on this site

No, but that hasn't stopped some of us from dating anyway

I have dated one woman who was into PD as much as I was, and it was absolutely fantastic. We became PD buddies and were able to talk about it for hours on end and I absolutely loved it.

I now have a hard time imagining dating another woman who isn't into PD as well.

Edit: Not that I ever sought to date anyone on here, it just happened by suprise

[Rockchick26]

I have this problem too,this might be why i have such problems with dating. Like the last guy i dated,he would only call me when he wanted to show off his new car (he's had a few) or something he bought for his car. I told him i was not into material things but he still kept calling to brag about something he did to his car.

I have this problem with friends too,its hard to find friends who dont gossip,backstab,complain,and talk about celebrities' lives.

I'm curious to see what people say about this. My advice (even to myself) is not to worry about it cuz if you can be happy alone,why destroy all your progress by dating someone who doesn't fit into your world? MUCH easier said than done,i know...i still get lonely a lot cuz i don't have anyone to talk to about things that matter to me,except for on these boards

[metamorph]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I have this problem too,this might be why i have such problems with dating. Like the last guy i dated,he would only call me when he wanted to show off his new car (he's had a few) or something he bought for his car. I told him i was not into material things but he still kept calling to brag about something he did to his car.

I have this problem with friends too,its hard to find friends who dont gossip,backstab,complain,and talk about celebrities' lives.

I'm curious to see what people say about this. My advice (even to myself) is not to worry about it cuz if you can be happy alone,why destroy all your progress by dating someone who doesn't fit into your world? MUCH easier said than done,i know...i still get lonely a lot cuz i don't have anyone to talk to about things that matter to me,except for on these boards

I know what you mean.

Well, some colleagues see me as a "narcistic" loner, because I do not socialise much with them for the exact same reasons you mentioned (gossiping, negativity, reactivity etc). They don't understand why I rather spend time alone than with them in social groups. I just don't like "social opportunism" (my definition: socialising only to stop you feel lonely even if the other people are not on your wave-lenght). They can see and feel that I am genuinely very happy and fulfilled alone, probably much more happy than they will ever feel in the group. But, because this is not part of their reality, they think I must be a so called "narcistic" loner, who only cares for himself. Not that I care about their opinion, though! They would always prefer socialising to being for alone yourself.
Although I truly am happy alone, I find it sad in a way, because I like people in general. I just wished there were more people on my wave-lenght.

[MsKarma]

Well maybe you can meet new people at seminars, classes or volunteering with an organization that alligns with your values?? :-)

[Brutha]

Be part of organisations that are full with people who are at least partly into self help.
Toastmaster clubs, Yoga, Tai Chi courses etc
Find groups of people who share your values. Maybe of member of the group will turn out as a romantic partner.

[Botticelli]

You all sound awesome. And Rockchick26, that guy should have listened to you more instead of constantly bragging about his car. Sounds like he messed up a really great relationship with a fantastic woman. Perhaps he was too self-centered?

I find there's no lack of people who share my interests and ideals, but the real problem is meeting them. The internet allows us to talk to people we never otherwise would have been able to talk to, and know them better than we would have ever known them if it weren't for the intellectually intimate contact we share with them through chat, emails, and other kinds of electronic communication. People we meet in person always build a shell around their true selves to protect themselves from the hostilities of the world around them. We never really see them for who they really are, and it's difficult or impossible to get through that.

The problem with the people who can really fulfill our needs is that they are often in a different state or even a different country. Meeting them and building a relationship can be difficult or even beyond our means, but shouldn't be overlooked if our happiness is at stake.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Botticelli

And Rockchick26, that guy should have listened to you more instead of constantly bragging about his car. Sounds like he messed up a really great relationship with a fantastic woman. Perhaps he was too self-centered?

Aww,thanks for the compliment! Yes he was very self centered. And i'm having a new issue with another guy from a dating site that i just started talking to...he SEEMED to be into all this personal development/the truth about life/new ways of thinking,etc. but after chatting to him only twice,he is telling me that he doesnt believe i'm telling the truth about myself,he thinks i'm in denial about wanting a boyfriend because "everyone needs somebody",he thinks i'm out of touch with reality because i choose to focus on the positive and i laugh a lot,and he said rude comments about my friends and guys i've dated. It frustrated me because he is wrong about me (i think),and he was nothing like what he said he was. Sorry i went on there LOL

I find there's no lack of people who share my interests and ideals, but the real problem is meeting them. The internet allows us to talk to people we never otherwise would have been able to talk to, and know them better than we would have ever known them if it weren't for the intellectually intimate contact we share with them through chat, emails, and other kinds of electronic communication. People we meet in person always build a shell around their true selves to protect themselves from the hostilities of the world around them. We never really see them for who they really are, and it's difficult or impossible to get through that.

This is all so true!! I hate that i cant have these discussions in real life with people. Well,not that this is so bad,but i'd rather be out doing things with people than sitting here inactive for hours a day And i totally agree with you about how people build a shell around themselves but online its easier to speak your mind. I tried to explain this to the guy i was chatting to,but he kept saying "the internet isnt real!"

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by metamorph

I know what you mean.

Well, some colleagues see me as a "narcistic" loner, because I do not socialise much with them for the exact same reasons you mentioned (gossiping, negativity, reactivity etc). They don't understand why I rather spend time alone than with them in social groups. I just don't like "social opportunism" (my definition: socialising only to stop you feel lonely even if the other people are not on your wave-lenght). They can see and feel that I am genuinely very happy and fulfilled alone, probably much more happy than they will ever feel in the group. But, because this is not part of their reality, they think I must be a so called "narcistic" loner, who only cares for himself. Not that I care about their opinion, though! They would always prefer socialising to being for alone yourself.
Although I truly am happy alone, I find it sad in a way, because I like people in general. I just wished there were more people on my wave-lenght.

Exactly the same here.

And I feel better without a woman too. Call me narcissistic loner too...

[Botticelli]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

...he SEEMED to be into all this personal development/the truth about life/new ways of thinking,etc. but after chatting to him only twice,he is telling me that he doesnt believe i'm telling the truth about myself,he thinks i'm in denial about wanting a boyfriend because "everyone needs somebody",he thinks i'm out of touch with reality because i choose to focus on the positive and i laugh a lot,and he said rude comments about my friends and guys i've dated.

That's unfortunate he's so ready to make assumptions. Based on what you said, he sounds kind of negative in general. Perhaps he's saying you're in denial because he doesn't know how to deal with the truth. Instead of building trust and respect from you, and earning your admiration, things that often take time and patience, he's trying to mold you to his standards. He also sounds like he's trying to boost himself by putting down your friends and ex-boyfriends. Does he seem to have control issues, like trying to tell you what to do or how to think?

Unfortunately, there's a lot of desperate guys out there now. They don't perceive anything they have to offer, which might actually represent a failure of society. Expectations of a mate have been artificially inflated by commercialism and media content. For example, on CSI all you see is supermodel types and brutish, muscular firemen calendar men. Now days, you won't see anyone average on TV. Back in the 70's average looking people were common in entertainment. So average is no longer good enough. There are a lot of lonely people out there as a result.

Anyway, many of these guys who feel inadequate are turning to disingenuous sources of self-improvement like Fast Seduction 101 and Neuro-linguistic Programing. These are methods that promote control and manipulation of people to get what one wants rather than trying to make oneself a better person who has more to offer. Maybe this guy is trying to use techniques he learned from one of those types of programs?

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Botticelli

That's unfortunate he's so ready to make assumptions. Based on what you said, he sounds kind of negative in general. Perhaps he's saying you're in denial because he doesn't know how to deal with the truth. Instead of building trust and respect from you, and earning your admiration, things that often take time and patience, he's trying to mold you to his standards. He also sounds like he's trying to boost himself by putting down your friends and ex-boyfriends. Does he seem to have control issues, like trying to tell you what to do or how to think?

Sometimes. Like last night i was watching American Idol and he went off for about 15 minutes about how fake it is and how he wants to smash my tv. But then sometimes he'll just say "ok" after i say something profound,i'm guessing that means he doesnt agree but doesnt wanna argue abut it

I doubt i'll meet this guy anyway cuz he accuses me of hiding behind a mask yet he told me he moved here from Chicago but won't say why,and that he lives in a house his grandpa gave him and his grandpa pays for everything,this guy doesnt have a job and doesnt want one. Ugh how do i manage to find these losers!?