My life is utter hell!!

[abotha]

Hi,

For as long as I can remember I've hated myself. I grew up with an abusive dad whom hit my mother for as long as I know. He also had numerous affairs and still to this day he has not changed his ways. He is 59 currently.

Anyway, my youth was disastrous and I grew up hard. At some time I started thinking of death and dying and eventually whenever any bad situation or experience happened my first thought would be 'I want to die'. This was a way of life for me.

At 25 I fell in to an industry where I succeeded and eventually became a millionare at about 28. Through my own doing I lost it all and was left with nothing.

I eveventually ended up with a hypnotherapist whom helped me deal with my 'I want to die' problem. This was at age 33 and 5 yers ago. She sorted out a lot of my problems, however, there was one that she could never get to and it was left to lurk around in my mind, spirit and soul. I can still remember the only question she ever asked about it, 'What about sex?'. My reply was 'painfull' and she left it at that.

You see, when I was about 12 or thirteen a couple of us found a dirty magazine and went to a friends house to look at it. Afterwards everyone was in good spirits and one of the guys showed us, the same age, his erect penis. It was, or I perceived it as, gigantic! At age 15 I saw another friends penis and astoundingly it was also huge. You know where I am going to with this, yes, it screwed me up completely. This hounds me untill today! Every aspect of my life is controlled by it!

I've done so much research on the subject that it is running over. I have actually established that I am below average in size for my race, etc. Knowing this does not help at all.

Anyway, at about 25 I started watching porn on the internet, why, to compare and re-affirm what I already know about myself and hate about myself! Feeding the daemon, litterally! This lead to an obsession and I spent countless hours on the internet gathering pictures and images to go back to.

One day, being 28 or 29, I met God and gave my life to him. I stopped watching porn and cleansed my whole life. I tried to accept myself because it was Godly and not because I actually did!

Eventually, when I was 36, I met a woman whom I totally fell in love with. Accross a room our eyes met and it was tickets. The Lord, I thought, smiled uppon me. It was the prommised land! Well for 4 weeks, then we made love the first time. Complications!!!!!!!!!!!! The evil found me again! My daemon caught up with me! Fear!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hell, anguish and what ever. I've been found out, I thought and believed!

This woman had been married 3 times before and had two kids by natural birth. Can you even try to imagine the hell this put me through. How could I even remotely satisfy her? All her experience that she could measure me against and I had all the proof of not measuring up, that I have collected through the years. Imagine, every man was an threat, big time!

Never the less, she fell pregnant with number 3 and we got married. Shortly after we were married I found that she has got a vibrator. This wrecked me and I took it. First thing I did was to measure myself against it and lo and behold it was bigger! Now even all objects resembling a penis was a threat to me. When I confronted her about it she replied that she got it from her ex. Imagine! Our sex life is dull and boring although she was open for more with other, presumably better and bigger men.

Total chaos erupted in my life! Further, she is a physically abusive person and I was assaulted by her numerous times. Then one day one of her boys whom stayed with us went through my CD's and found one that I forgot about and gave it to her. She confronted me about it and I explained that I had a problem with porn years ago but I have recovered from it. I did not say to her about the penis issue which led me the dissease.

Anyway our son was born, naturalal birth again, and I was so frightened to have sex with her again. But we eventually did, however, I was haunted by what I lacked and the sums I kept on making. 3 kids by natural birth, 6 men that I knew of, etc.

Can you imagine how this fear and self hate is controlling all of me. It manifests in jealousy, suspission, anger, hate and what ever else!!!!! We are doomed because of me, actually what is lacking on me.

Last year july we broke up and what did she do? She took the cd which her son got to the police and had me arrested for alledge child pornography. My house was searched, my stuff confiscated and assaulted by the police whom are her friends. I spent 7 days in a maximum security prison. Eventually after the investigation was done there was no proof and all charges were dropped.

After 4 months I eventually got the courage to contact her, as I love her with my whole heart, and we got back together again. To my surprise she did not change at all, the abuse continued and I stuck for my child. Never the less my daemon were with us and we could not make it work because no matter how I changed, this one fact I could never change and it will hunt me for the rest of my life! Jealousy, suspission, fear, anger, hate, etc kept on getting into our marraige.

Well, she is gone! She left me!

Now, my 'I want to die' problem is back again. Why do I have to stick around if the one thing that is ruining my whole life can never ever be changed. That is a fact and I know it! I've gotten to the stage where enough is just enough. I know I'll go to hell but the hell on earth is worse!!!! Does anyone know what I am talking about?


Anton

[Holistic Star]

Hi Anton,

Hello and welcome to the boards. May I ask a question?

Who would you be if you didn't have this problem?

[abotha]

Hi,

Honestly, I have no idea. I do not know what it is to be without it!

[Holistic Star]

OK I'm glad you are being honest!

The real problem is not what you think it is. The problem is that the conclusion that you have drawn about yourself (in this case that that you don't measure up to others) has crowded out all your other achievements, dreams, hopes etc so much that you cannot even imagine what it would be like not to have that issue.

Imagine I could wave a magic wand right this instant and your life from this moment foward meant you were free of this problem. The magic wand would leave the past just as it was, but it would change your future. What would be important for you to have in that new future? wWat people would you want in it? How would you relate to them? What personal qualities would you like for yourself? Where would you be living, what would you be doing and so on.

Take a few moments to think about it and really feeeel what that might be like.

[abotha]

Hi,

Good questions that need a lot of thinking about....

Firstly, I would not live in fear. Fear of losing someone due to what I lack. The obsession will be gone. I will be free from having to compensate for what I lack and will ultimately be free to just be me! (How bad it may seem to me now). Free from having to controll and being in control of all situations that may arrise. Free from waiting for the day where my lack will be met by someone else. Free from hating myself and being able to just be happy, totaly and honestly happy because of a real acceptance and not one prescribed. Anger will leave my world. Assurance in the fact that I can just 'be'! I won't have to protect myself anymore! I can be confident in the knowledge that I lack nothing and people who are with me are totally content and happy with me.

Secondly, I have gotten in to the acceptance that I can only have below standard people in my life and have to settle for less than what I would have liked to have. My choice was not to have a wife who has been divorced somany times and other mens children but to have had the same of what I had to offer, no previous marraiges or children. The best I could offer any wife. However, my reakoning was, let me take someone who has no choice as to accept me because I offer something better than what she is offering me and thus cast a shadow over the lack I have. Basically, she does not mind the lack because I am willing to settle for less. Thus, I would have people in my life who can be what I deserve not what I settle for.

Thirdly, I will be able to have confidence through real knowledge. I would be able not to shy away from people and thus open so many more opportunities for my future. As men and ultimately women also have an effect on how, what when, etc I do or do not do my whole future is ruined and this would all be gone if and only if you had that magic wand to make my problem dissapear.

[Holistic Star]

Originally Posted by abotha

Firstly, I would not live in fear. Fear of losing someone due to what I lack. The obsession will be gone. I will be free from having to compensate for what I lack and will ultimately be free to just be me! (How bad it may seem to me now). Free from having to controll and being in control of all situations that may arrise. Free from waiting for the day where my lack will be met by someone else. Free from hating myself and being able to just be happy, totaly and honestly happy because of a real acceptance and not one prescribed. Anger will leave my world. Assurance in the fact that I can just 'be'! I won't have to protect myself anymore! I can be confident in the knowledge that I lack nothing and people who are with me are totally content and happy with me.

Ok - so you've told me what you don't want. You don't want fear, anger, have, lack of control, lack etc

There are a few points where you say what you do want.

"Assurance in the fact that I can just 'be' " - great start!
" I can be confident in the knowledge that I [have everything I need] and people who are with me are totally content and happy with me. " (my edit)
"Totally and honestly happy because of real acceptance" - what does that feel like? How can you create more acceptance in your life?

Originally Posted by abotha

Secondly, I have gotten in to the acceptance that I can only have below standard people in my life and have to settle for less than what I would have liked to have. My choice was not to have a wife who has been divorced somany times and other mens children but to have had the same of what I had to offer, no previous marraiges or children. The best I could offer any wife. However, my reakoning was, let me take someone who has no choice as to accept me because I offer something better than what she is offering me and thus cast a shadow over the lack I have. Basically, she does not mind the lack because I am willing to settle for less. Thus, I would have people in my life who can be what I deserve not what I settle for.

You've told me what you don't want about your wife but we can't change the past remember? So when you say you want people in your life that you deserve, what do you mean by that? How will they be?

Originally Posted by abotha

Thirdly, I will be able to have confidence through real knowledge. I would be able not to shy away from people and thus open so many more opportunities for my future. As men and ultimately women also have an effect on how, what when, etc I do or do not do my whole future is ruined and this would all be gone if and only if you had that magic wand to make my problem dissapear.

"I will be able to have confidence through real knowledge". - great stuff
You say you don't want to shy away from people. If you are not shying away from people - how do you interact with them?

**************
I'm not sure if you can see it but that majority of your post told me what you didn't want. Every time you say 'I want to be free of X' all you do is focus on X and get more of it in your life.

What would your post look like if you wrote about what you do want? So instead of saying 'I would be free of anger' you would write 'I would be full of peace and compassion' or whatever you wanted to put there.

I know you might find this difficult at first but that's ok. It gets easier the more you do it. You are turning round years of negative conditioning here. It might feel unnatural at first but have a go and see what that feels like.

[abotha]

Ok, in my lacking department I can not create more acceptance. I know the facts and I have to get naked and wash down there every day thus the constant reminder stays present!

The people in my life will be with me because I deserve them not because I settle for them. They will be happy, satisfied and contented to be with me.

I do not interact with anyone socially. I only had my wife and child. No friends no nothing.

I do not say what I want because I know what I need for all of this to go away and the sad story is I can not get it. In soduko if you have one digit wrong the whole puzzle will never work out. That is a human mistake, it can be rectified, physical mistakes can not.

[Fullcrum]

Everyone is giving awesome advice: I just want to clear something up, maybe this will relieve you.

This is EMPIRACAL and PROVEN though 1st hand experience: women do not give damn about your penis size. There are techniques where a penis of any size can pleasure a woman in any way imaginable; just study tantra. And women do not care anyway. You are worried about nothing. this is very basic and you may have expected someone to tell you this, but realize that it's TRUE and that what you're worried about has nothing to do with reality. It's a mind-made illusion, certifiably false. Your small penis is not a human gene mistake: it's UTTERLY IRRELEVANT. For anything.

Please do NOT compare sudoku to human life. C'mon, you're asking for a slap. A man to man slap, out of love of course. Seriously. If one thing is messed up, it doesn't screw up the whole deal.

Just realize that what you're worried about is not true, and to continue to live it would make you live a lie, quite literally, and your self-esteem will get further covered up by BS rationalizations over why this and that happened or why you cannot do this or that and other man-made nonsense that should not cloud anyone's judgement or life.

[uberinquisitive]

Anton,

My initial impression of your initial post: a small, hurt boy trying to save his mother.

I used to be engaged to a man who had similar issues (although they manifested in different ways). His demons were intense and complex.

He didn't want to die - he just wanted the pain to go away. But, he chose suicide. Such a shame, considering he hadn't even tried a million other options to heal those demons.

If you'd like to know more, especially ways to help yourself that he didn't the chance to use, please send me a message.

[Holistic Star]

All the while you focus on how much you hate that part of your body you will just attract more feelings of desperation. You fathered a child with it - so it is obviously working! If you direct hate and anger at your body when washing, that doesn't sound very healthy to me. Have you tried feeling gratitude at being able to father a child? You wife married you after making love with you so it's not like she didn't know what she was getting.

Right now your thoughts about this part of your body take over so much of your thinking and your actions that there is no room for you! Lets just say your problem did go away somehow. What would you do? You've spent so much time focusing on an aspect of your body that you haven't found out who you are or created a life that you enjoy.

How about you try to imagine what life would be like if you weren't so hung up on a part of you that all but 1 other person out of 6 billion sees and you might find things seem different.

[abotha]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

If you'd like to know more, especially ways to help yourself that he didn't the chance to use, please send me a message.

I would love to know, thank you.

[Acting Like Godot]

First & foremost, congratulate yourself that your wife has left you. You have said that she was physically abusive and furthermore lied to the police in order to get you in trouble. Now why would you want to stick around with a woman like that.

Quickly give thanks to the Good Lord, for getting her out of your life. It's probably your unfortunate childhood that made you accept ANY physical abuse from her at all.

[bobo]

First: Fullcrum is right: women does absolutely not care about penis size. You been focusing on the wrong things, like you said yourself, feeding your deamons. turn it around: study the things that will once and for all end those illusions: Kama sutra, tantric love making, seduction methods: there´s tons of information on the net and in book stores.
And the msot important thing: it sounds like you been through hell in your life. And still have so much trauma to work through. You can´t deal with this on your own. You need therapy. Support, advice, therapy will get you that. I myself got a lot of help with cognitive therapy to heal from extensive trauma and abuse in my childhood. Check it out, or do some research on the possibilities for different threapy forms in your area. Don´t do this on your own, get help.
good luck, man!

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by bobo

First: Fullcrum is right: women does absolutely not care about penis size.

Ummm... I do! I don't know where the thought that "size doesn't matter" began making the rounds, because it does make a difference. To me. And most other women I know.

I will say - I have been with two different men with very small penises. One man told me before we got naked, just as a "letting you know" thing, when it became obvious we'd be getting intimate. He had developed his love-making skills so he compensated in other ways; he was very sensual. We freely used toys (that, of course, were larger than him!) He had a lot of self-confidence and a wonderful sense of play.

The second man never mentioned it, and acted shy about me seeing his naked body. He was obviously very ashamed, and "got things over with" as quickly as possible, despite my trying to slow things down. The whole experience was very, very dissatisfying.

Guess which guy I wanted to see again? Your penis isn't the problem here, it's your attitude about it.

[Fullcrum]

That's what I mean -> It's the attitude, not the size. The size isn't some deformity or genetic weakness or something.

[robc]

Originally Posted by carenkh

Ummm... I do! I don't know where the thought that "size doesn't matter" began making the rounds, because it does make a difference. To me. And most other women I know.

I will say - I have been with two different men with very small penises. One man told me before we got naked, just as a "letting you know" thing, when it became obvious we'd be getting intimate. He had developed his love-making skills so he compensated in other ways; he was very sensual. We freely used toys (that, of course, were larger than him!) He had a lot of self-confidence and a wonderful sense of play.

The second man never mentioned it, and acted shy about me seeing his naked body. He was obviously very ashamed, and "got things over with" as quickly as possible, despite my trying to slow things down. The whole experience was very, very dissatisfying.

Guess which guy I wanted to see again? Your penis isn't the problem here, it's your attitude about it.

You say it does make a difference to you (penis size) but then you said that the guy you wanted to see again was short-changed in that area but you still wanted to be with him because he was very sensual, lots of self-confidence and a wonderful sense of play.

If it really made a difference to you, why would you want to be intimate again with the guy that was "small". It sounds as if your needs were still fulfilled despite his lacking in size, so it sounds to me like it didn't really make a difference to you.

Thought I would mention it because your statements were a "little" (pardon the pun ) contra dic tory.

[robc]

Lesbian women must obviously have fullfilling sex lives without men in their lives.

Despite the gender preference, aren't women basically the same.

I would have to assume that lesbian women are very satified with physical intimacy and they aren't dealing with size issues.

I may just be very naive on this topic but it does seem that this would point to the fact that size isn't everything.

Plus aren't most of the nerve endings where pleasure is felt in & around the female "hotspot" within mere centimeters of the opening? If so, this would dictate that you're not even feeling where the head of the penis is during intercourse unless you're feeling it poke your kidneys, liver or lungs.

Plus fingers tend to do a great job of manual stimulation in this area and fingers aren't usually that wide or long either - doesn't this point to another incongruency in the size matters debate?

If this was a dumb question, please say so, I was honestly being curious, inquiring minds do want to know.

[carenkh]

Given the choice between a great lover with a small penis and a great lover with an average + penis, I'm going with the larger. I mean, you know, if emotional/spiritual connection were equal, etc. I'm guessing different women prefer different things. But I have yet to meet a woman who wasn't disappointed when her lover turned out to have a microdick. So - it makes a difference. For me.

As far as the lesbian thing goes... you don't *expect* a woman to have a penis, so your mind is already open to other avenues. I think that's why it was so helpful to have smallman1 let me know beforehand - I knew what to expect.

I would never break up with someone over penis size only - I don't think a small penis is a large liability, if you're self-confident and developed as a lover.