Moving on with Life after the end of a long term relationship

[VelociRaptor]

Hey All,

Been lurking on these forums for a little while, and have decided to sign up and start posting.

Basically my wife and I separated 3 weeks ago after an 11 year relationship (2.5 years married), it wasn't expected from my side, I thought things where all okay. We had been trying to have children for the last 2.5 years without any luck, during this time my wife changed her whole outlook on life, found a new circle of friends told me she didn't feel the same way about me anymore. I hung in there for 3 months hoping things may turn around, trying my hardest to give her the space she needed, but it go to the stage where we both thought it best we go our own ways. I had been in this relationship since I was 18/19 and it was probably only the 3rd relationship I ever had.

So now I start a new stage in my life, hoping to try and find some new friends and start trying to really enjoy life. I think one of the mistakes (not sure if that is the best word for it) I made during the relationship was committing all my time and effort to it and forgetting about myself.

I am quite shy/wussy when it comes to starting a conversation with other people (especially females) but am fine if they approach me and start up a conversation. This is something that I am going to have to work on. I guess time is what is going to allow me to get over the emotional strain of separating, I know it isn't helping me at work and also makes it hard for me to try new things at the moment because I am not fully committed. Anyone have any ideas on how to help with this, or is it something that time will eventually sort out? I don't want to become a hermit, so I still go out as much as I can, with the guys after work for a few beers, watch some basketball, even to the movies on my own on the odd occasion.

After reading through this post, I have noticed I haven't really asked any specific questions, so I guess I am after some general ideas on how to work though this stage. I guess another question is, and it probably is one of those where you can't give an exact answer as it is probably different for everyone, but how long do I wait before I start pursuing a relationship again? Or do I just work on making new friends and a relationship will take care of itself?

Anyway, thanks in advance for any help.

VR

[kxk56]

Hi, VR,

You have been committed in long relationship and it occupied you and filled space around you. Now you need to fill that space with something different. Try different pieces (friends, girls, work, study) and see if you are satisfied how they fit together. And don't be afraid to throw away some pieces and/or replace them with other ones. You will adjust until you find a new balanced condition when you are generally happy.

What I am trying to say is that don't push yourself into new relationships. Wait.. Just live and flow with life. The relationship will come naturally and eventually.

[ZHereford]

Hey VelocityRaptor,

Although you are a bit unsure of what to do, you seem to know that it's time to move on. That's a very good thing. On the other hand, rather than focus on a new relationship, maybe it's time for you to work on the one with yourself. Like you yourself suggested, you could try to meet new people and practice your social skills. It may also be a good time to break out of your comfort zone and expand your horizons. Maybe you could travel, take on a new hobby, read more, take a martial arts course, etc. There's a whole new exciting world out there to explore.

[VelociRaptor]

Hey Guys,

Thanks for the replies and advice.

I know it is that typical take 1 day at a time adage, but like most people i just want things to be right now. I know I need to get out there and try some new things, meet new people, both male and females. I guess the struggle is my head doesn't seem to be in the right space to be trying new things as my mind will wonder instead of being able to commit fully to the new activity I am trying.

I did do the wrong thing the other day and try to latch onto the first girl that showed any interest, and I feel I stuffed up the whole friendship we had built in a short time.

I got chatting with a girl the other night (she initiated it, I am okay if they initiate, just really wussy and shy when it comes to being the initiator) and we seemed to hit it off. I used to play sport with her younger brother (one of the issues with Perth and the whole small world syndrome). She had invited me out a couple of times for drinks and dinner. This was a real confidence boost for me, but felt I became to clingy in the whole situation (I know in my head I need to take some time before moving onto a new relationship, but just felt this was going to solve all my issues). The girl seems way above my standard though, really nice looking, good body and really good to talk with, so yeah it sent the confidence sky high. Initially I let her make all the moves, but then decided I would start to try and initiate some of the meetings, but I guess I came across to clingy.

After a night out drinking, the girl came out for a little while but was feeling sick, so only had a drink then went home. We did get talking about how she thinks she is going to move up to the city soon and see what kind of life she can find for herself there. She had talked quite a few times before about her previous relationships and how she was ready to settle, but her partners where not. After she left I sent her the following text: "Sorry about tonight (not sure what I was actually apologising for?) hope you feel better soon and work out where you want to be in life. You are a cool hot chick that any guy would be stoked to be with. I really hope I can find a girl half as decent as you." I know texting and drinking is not recommended, but I did it anyway and can't do anything about it. The worst part was I followed it up with an email to her work apologising for the text and talking about how she had lifted my confidence and I really enjoyed hanging out and that I hoped i hadn't stuffed this up.

I guess time will tell with this one.

[evelynlim]

Your question sounds pretty similar to another one posted on the forum, which I've just answered. Of course, in your case, yours is a committed relationship in a marriage.

For any negative emotions ranging from hurt, or shyness to approach strangers, etc, try the free technique known as EFT found at EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else. This technique involves you tapping certain acupunctural points in your body, to zap out all negative emotions. Miraculously, it works! I had been a sceptic but am now a convert. If you need to see visually and follow the steps, there are many videos on Youtube which you can view. Do a search for "EFT" or "emotional freedom technique" in the toolbar.

It is hard to say how long you should wait to start a new relationship. Are you ready in the first place? If you are still carrying past hurts, then it is better not to. Perhaps you should really be using this time to evaluate what you really want out of a relationship. It also does not hurt to date around a little, so that you can decide what you are looking for. If you are looking for someone else to fill the void inside you just for the sake of filling in the void, then this is not a good idea.

It is important to set aside time to be on your own. Without the clutter and away from the noise, you will learn more about yourself. This is time well spent!

And of course, travel, see the world, read books and pick up new interests!

Hope the above helps,
Evelyn

[VelociRaptor]

Will check that out Evelyn, thanks.

Yeah I do want to get out and travel and do somethings I haven't done before, but I want to try and a be a bit more advanced emotionally. I want to be able to embrace what ever I try with 100% comitment and not feel like I am doing just for the case of doing it. (I hope that makes sense).

I do have so many plans for when I move back into my house down in Mandurah. It can be really set up to be a great bachelor shack, it has a pool and spa, plenty of room for a pool table and other blokey things. I have 2 dogs and 2 cats that I have to look after as well which is what I wanted.

I also have plenty of friends and family that are being so supportive during this whole stage in my life and then finding these forums has been great.

Will keep you guys updated as I feel I need more support.

[robc]

Originally Posted by VelociRaptor

So now I start a new stage in my life, hoping to try and find some new friends and start trying to really enjoy life. I think one of the mistakes (not sure if that is the best word for it) I made during the relationship was committing all my time and effort to it and forgetting about myself.

Never allow yourself to be an option in someone's life while making them a priority in your life.

No matter how good a relationship starts out, when you lose your individuality in a relationship and live your life just to please your partner without any concern for yourself you become the kind of person that your partner can & will live without.

Use this time to pick yourself up.
Hang out with friends that you haven't been seeing in a while, go to the gym, get in shape, go shopping, change the wardrobe a little bit, become new again, get into self-improvement, get into your job or do some volunteer work, look & feel great about yourself, your life and the things you are doing.

You will become attractive to yourself, you'll like yourself/love yourself and you will notice that you will become the kind of person that is attractive to other people because of your improved mindset & appearance. You won't be worrying about being shy or "wussy", you will just be you and that will work.

There's alot of shy people out there, someone eventually has to make the first move and say a word, think about it that way, it might make things easier the next time you're out & about looking to make a connection.

And hey... don't just jump into a relationship. Try dating a while. Even if it's the same 1 or 2 people, just enjoy going out, having a meal or going out for drinks or just talking over coffee, just enjoy the experience of connecting to another person over conversation & laughter without worrying about getting so close & personal to someone that you have to exchange bodily fluids and share a living arrangement with. Take a break from all that and just enjoy going out and being with people, it's actually very fun.

If you're really have trouble connecting with someone in person, try an online dating site, put up a profile and pic and browse others, it's no mystery, lots of other people are in the same boat as you. Don't look at it as a disadvantage, look at it as an advantage - your situation isn't unique, you're not the only one with a past. Let go of your past and start focusing on your present, you'll find you have alot more energy to deal with stuff constructively & positively.

Get past the initial hesitation & fear and just do it.

Let us know how it works out.

[VelociRaptor]

Hye RobC,

Yeah I really know I don't want to be jumping back into a relationship. I am hoping I can eventually get back into the dating scene first and then go from there. It has been a while since I have been there, so it is exciting and scary at the same time.

Will keep you guys posted as I move forward. Cheers for all the help and advice.

VR

[VelociRaptor]

Okay thought I had better post an update to where I am at.

Some days are definitely better than others, still get the day here and there where I feel lonely as hell. I think I need to try and find an activity during this time to try and take my mind of things.

I have a few things I want to eventually do, like travel, maybe changing jobs, making new friends and eventually settling down again. I still have the goal to want to have children, it has just been put back a year or 2 I think.

I try and get to the gym twice a week and go running 3 times a week and also want to try and fit some team sports into this. Finding it tough to get into cooking for myself at the moment, I guess I am being lazy but I know I have to really start looking after the inside of my body as I already take pretty good care with the outside.

[Alison Jenkins]

Often people go on the rebound and find another relationship straight away without grieving for the loss of their old relationship. Give yourself time to feel the hurt and pain, then new relationships will develop when you are ready. Some people move on quickly and other people take longer.

Why not take up some of your old hobbies and see what happens.

Alison

[VelociRaptor]

Okay another update.

Definitely feeling a lot more positive with life, starting to get used to being single and starting to enjoy it. There are lonely times still, but not that often.

Have made a big decision though, in October I am packing up and moving over to the UK. I have a British passport as well as family in Scotland and England where I can stay. Firstly I am going to look at touring Europe for a month or 2, then look at getting some short term contract work in Scotland, unless I find a place I really want to live while touring Europe.

I also want to get across to the US and spend quite a bit of time touring. Would really like to do an East - West run as well as a few other places I would like to see.

So most things have been organised for this, just need to sell a couple of properties and finalise/legalise all splitting of assets with the ex wife.

Speaking of the ex wife, not sure if this is a good thing or not, but I feel like I no longer have any feelings for her at all. I don't hate her but just really want all ties cut as soon as possible. I guess the feelings at all is not quite right, as I still hope she can find what she needs in her life and don't want to see her suffer, but at the this stage I am all about myself.

Yes I still want to eventually get re-married and start a family, but I want to see the world for a while and not regret the opportunity to be able to do this.

Well that is where I am now, in a much better place than I was 3 months ago. I still know there is a long way to go, but I do see light at the end of the tunnel.

[VelociRaptor]

Well 7 months on since the break up and things seem to be going along pretty good. Here is what has changed:

1. Both houses on the market (yes bad timing, but they where both bought 5+years ago so will return a profit
2. Got my UK passport
3. Once the houses sell, will move over to Scotland to live
4. Will spend the first 3 months traveling though Europe, US, Mexico and South America
5. Reconnected with my family
6. Got back into running sort of (have a few niggles I am working through)
7. Hitting the gym quite regularly
8. Have not even worried about trying to meet someone new, just going out and enjoying myself
9. Started playing the guitar again (still not very good)
10. Work knows of my plans and have been really supportive of the whole deal
11. Work also happy I have given them plenty of notice as I have 7 years of experience on systems that no one else really know
12. Still go out drinking on occasions, but not to stupid amounts. Just having a good time with family and mates
13. Have filed court orders to split the assets. Luckily we have both been very amicable over this whole process, so there has been no lawyers involved and trying to get more than either of us deserves
14. Still stay in contact with ex's family, they where a big part of my life for 12 years and where also there when I needed them during the rocky parts of the whole split.

So yeah pretty happy with most things. Don't have dark times anymore. Do still have the occasional "what if moments", especially when the ex is back in my life during some dreams.

Just waiting and really looking forward to the sale of the houses so I can take off and see the world...