Husband rather look at porn than me

[Cornfused]

Hello - I am new to this and wanted to get some feedback on my marriage and lack of sex life within my marriage. My husband rather look at porn, usually on the internet then have sex with me. We've been together for 6 years and married for 2. We only had sex once on our honeymoon. I'm forever coming onto him and he is constantly rejecting me. He always has some excuse. Its now come to the point where I don't even want him (sexually) anymore. But I don't want to be stuck in a non-sex marriage. Suggestions?

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Cornfused

Hello - I am new to this and wanted to get some feedback on my marriage and lack of sex life within my marriage. My husband rather look at porn, usually on the internet then have sex with me. We've been together for 6 years and married for 2. We only had sex once on our honeymoon. I'm forever coming onto him and he is constantly rejecting me. He always has some excuse. Its now come to the point where I don't even want him (sexually) anymore. But I don't want to be stuck in a non-sex marriage. Suggestions?

Sounds like he's got an addiction. He'll never be satisfied with anyone until he stops wasting hours on the internet. I think this is going to be a huge problem for many people in the coming years because it's so easy and free. He has to become aware of the problem before he will even begin to face his problems with you. How much time does he spend on it? Have you spoken directly to him about it? This is a very embarrassing thing for a man to realize, so you have to find a way to suggest he has a problem and if he flips out remain calm. Fighting will not help. Just make a suggestion that he keep a log (no pun intended) every time he sits down to surf the web. Once he sees how much time he's spending, that may be all he needs. He's not living in reality and he has to be brought to realize this before he completely destroys your relationship. You may have to tell him you're thinking about leaving him to make him realize what he would be giving up for some stupid videos.

[freddy]

My question is why have you not had a problem with lack of sex until now (2 years) is a long time. I think conseling would be the first step. Maybe you need to find someone new. Unless there somthing else there that is not being told. Good luck.

[Cornfused]

We've actually had a problem with sex since we first met over 5 years ago. it was never really "important" to him and I was constantly rejected. I don't want to end my marriage, but something has got to give. I've suggested counseling, but he isn't for it. He tells me he will do anything to make it better, yet he still doesn't initiate sex. I'm at a total loss.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Cornfused

We've actually had a problem with sex since we first met over 5 years ago. it was never really "important" to him and I was constantly rejected. I don't want to end my marriage, but something has got to give. I've suggested counseling, but he isn't for it. He tells me he will do anything to make it better, yet he still doesn't initiate sex. I'm at a total loss.

He's bound to have no sex drive if he keeps "viewing" porn. He's satisfying himself. Until he stops, he won't want anyone.

[freddy]

If he will do anything to fix it, then you need to make him walk the talk. Counseling would be a right direction to try. If he refuses to go. Then this become your problem, in that your willing to put up with this type of one sided
relationship. It is then your move. Pack your bags, whatever you feel will make him preform. Stand up for your rights, and demand to be sweep off your feet. At least ever month. I assuming he has all working parts and can preform. Is this an age issue maybe.

If he don't want sex, maybe he would be OK with you dating somone else.
for your sex needs.That might keep you happy and he could gives himself a hand job thinking about the porn he likes. Good Luck

[Erin Pavlina]

The simple way to look at it is this:

If having sex with your spouse is extremely important to you then you should tell him and make it clear how important it is. If he won't have sex with you and he won't see a counselor (which is his right and his choice) then your next decision is whether you will stay with him or divorce him.

That will put him in the position of then deciding if he wants to be married to you or if he's willing to let the marriage go over the sex issue.

That's really it.

If, on the other hand, you decide that it's okay to be in a marriage where you're not getting sex then stop bugging him about it as it seems obvious he's made a choice. All you can do is react to his choice. He's choosing not to have sex with you (for whatever reason). You're indicating to him that you want to be in a marriage where sex is happening with each other.

You've got decisions to make. Be clear about what you want. Make your choices clear to him. Let him decide.

But staying on the fence another year or hoping things will get better probabaly won't work since this has been happening for years.

[Sanity Panda]

Wait a second. OP.

Does your husband actually view porn often or is that you feel "Husband would rather watch porn than me"
What bothers you most about the lack of sex?

[Barcs]

Great advice from everyone in this thread. Whatever you decide to do, do not wait any longer. I'm surprised that you've let it go for 2 years. So you've been married 2 years and have only had sex once? Is he affectionate in other ways? It seems kind of odd, almost un "guylike" to never want to have sex.

[Cornfused]

Yes, I do agree that I need to make a decision. Age isn't a factor, he is 36 and I am 34. He looks at porn - tries to hide it from me, then when I confront him (after he's promised to stop) he just makes excuses (i.e. work schedules different, too tired, sore from work etc...) My husband has more sex with himself then with me. I offer, and get shot down. I offered to look at porn with him, that didn't go very smoothly (I said it was cheesey). He is a great husband, besides the no sex. I guess that is why I haven't left him. Its like being married to my best guy friend, but no intimacy.

[Sanity Panda]

Cornfused. This might be a massive assumption but could you possibly entertain the idea that your husband is actually asexual?

I suspect that's the reason he doesn't feel the need to go to counseling, because there is nothing wrong with him.

The idea that he's never been interested in sex, and he has an addiction with porn just seems to contradict each other and I suspect that compared to the majority of men he views it a lot less.

[Vasilisa]

Is it possible that he has a hormone-related problem (low testosterone?)?
Or may be he has some kind of fetish about women?
Did you notice if those women in porn have anything in common? Or may be porn is around one theme (BDSM or other?)? May be he has some preferences he is embarassed to talk about?
I would probably take him to a sexologist if it's possible.

[Cornfused]

what is your definition of asexual?

[Sanity Panda]

Asexuality is actually rather broad. But my definition would be someone that is not interested in having sex with people. It then becomes possible that someone experiences all other manners of attraction: Emotional, physical, aesthetic but not sexual desire.

Which creates the problem: The asexual person can love someone but not want to have sex or need to have sex. They can understand that sex is an expression of love like the majority of sex, but some will feel that it's not really connected at all and they don't need to have sex. There is a whole society of asexual with marriage problems in regards to sexual/asexual pairings. For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies

The thing with asexuality is that it's extremely fluid. Some of the members are attracted to the idea of having sex, imagine having sex, view porn, masturbate but when it comes to the actual act itself with another person. They won't be interested.

Hopefully this might solve the problem. It's just something I thought when you talked about low interest in sex, but it sounds like he loves you too. Else you wouldn't be together after 6 Years. Unfortuantely I don't think there is a cure as such, most of these couples have had to either compromise like this thread.

Ask if he identifies with these people?

[jaamkie]

sigh... my most serious relationship to-date blew up basically over lack-of-sex and feeling physically very rejected... looking back on it, the guy's mom had died and while I was very supportive it almost became that we were so emotionally intimate that he didn't want physical intimacy, even though it was very much always his choice to spend 100% of his time with me. I totally sympathize- it feels absolutely awful to be routinely turned away from the one person you expect to be intimate with. Maybe could he be under stress or have something else emotional going on that would be expressed this way? Has he been to the doctor to check everything is good physically? Maybe if you are such great friends he just feels too emotionally vulnerable and is avoiding sex because he wants some distance- maybe trying to be a bit more independent emotionally and for both of you to spend more time on outside interests/friends would help (and would be healthy anyway if eventually you do decide to divorce)? Try to have an adult discussion about the porn- I assume it wouldn't bother you if he was satisfying you right? and he wants to satisfy you, so he ought to be willing to try to give it up for awhile and see if things change...?

[sonicpunk32]

I vote: asexuality

[Vasilisa]

In my opinion something strange is going on. Did anybody notice that men write a lot of posts that they don't want to appear sexual because they are afraid women will think they are freaks? And on the other hand women complain about the lack of sexual desire from men?
I think it has a lot to do not only with that people don't know how to communicate with each other and are afraid of opposite sex, but also with hormone-induced products we eat.
One of my friend actually told me that whole personality and sexual drive of her husband imroved and became more masculine once he stopped eating non-organic poultry products (obviously induced with hormones).

[Vasilisa]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

I vote: asexuality

Are you a male? That's a scary sh@@@ going on.

[SomebodySomewhere]

You won't like this but maybe he's not physically attracted to you much? Do you keep yourself physically in shape? Have you changed much from when you met and now?

Have you tried looking at the type of porn he watches and try to recreate it?

[bellemeadows]

I really think the answer is simple. Some people would rather have sex with a picture than make love to a real person. The differences are deep. One is an approach to self-gratification, the other is a sharing of intimacy.

I was married for nearly three decades to someone like your husband. If your marriage goes as mine did, you will find more and more that it lacks true intimacy and will always lack such intimacy. If intimacy is important to you, I'd walk away. You won't change him -- this is big, and he is already well down this path. He is comfortable with letting you be frustrated while he gratifies himself elsewhere sans love, sans real human to human sharing. Is that the mark of a real mate; is that even kind? To me it is a bit sadistic.

If you want to live as brother and sister, then get divorced and go for it. That way, when you want a mate who is intimate, there is a space for him to show up. While you are in this marriage, you are committed to be a mate to someone who, really, doesn't want you as a mate, only as some kind of sister.

Are you ok with that? I guess that is the real Q, in my mind.

Nevermind trying to figure him out. . . you could waste your life trying to figure others out. In the end, who cares. In your shoes, what I would care about is the underlying unkindness this man brings into your marriage. He made a commitment to you when he married you, to be a spouse, a mate to you. If he cares about you and your relationship as mates, he'd be making sure your needs for intimacy are addressed; not off playing with some porn by himself somewhere.

Not sure this helps -- Blessings from Belle,

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

I vote: asexuality

I'm sure if the guy was single, he'd be out every night trying to get laid. He just gets so much variety on the web, he's bored with the thought of the same person. Simple as that. Just because he doesn't want to have sex with her, doesn't mean he doesn't want to have sex. But, he's bound by marriage so he cheats with himself. If he gets counciling and cuts down on the porn, the marriage may have a chance. He needs to stop focusing on other "imaginary" women and focus on reality. She also may want to jump in and help him out. Have confidence. Make it a funny little joke that she keeps interrupting him....

[yossarian]

To stealthily get him off his porn addiction you could schedule some kind of month-long nature trip that is far away from all TVs and computers. If that doesn't reorient his libido then his problems are deeper than porn addiction and you're going to have some hard choices to make, just like Erin said.

[DayInTheLife]

Originally Posted by Cornfused

We've actually had a problem with sex since we first met over 5 years ago. it was never really "important" to him and I was constantly rejected. I don't want to end my marriage, but something has got to give. I've suggested counseling, but he isn't for it. He tells me he will do anything to make it better, yet he still doesn't initiate sex. I'm at a total loss.

Cornfused,

I suspect the problem is that he is not sexually confident. Perhaps he feels he cannot please you sexually, and the longer he avoids it, the more insurmountable the task seems. This lack of confidence can cause impotence and disinterest. You just can't wish these things away.

Porn and fetishes are particularly attractive to people that have trouble getting aroused under normal conditions. I seriously doubt that porn is the source of the problem.

How is his health? Is he self conscious about his physique? Is his lifestyle fairly healthy? Has he got depression issues?

In any case, Erin is correct. If sex is something you don't want to live without in your marriage, this has to be made clear to him. But don't approach him with demands or accusations. Approach him with love and acceptance, and a spirit of co-operation.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by yossarian

To stealthily get him off his porn addiction you could schedule some kind of month-long nature trip that is far away from all TVs and computers. If that doesn't reorient his libido then his problems are deeper than porn addiction and you're going to have some hard choices to make, just like Erin said.

Remove the temptation. Let him refocus his libido on you.

[Cornfused]

It was nice to hear about someone else in my situation. I feel that I have tried so hard in so many ways, I know I have my faults too - but sex is important to me and apparently it is to him too - but in a different way.

[Cornfused]

I have asked him point blank if he isn't attracted to me, and he says that he is. Tells me that he doesn't want me to look like the girls he looks at on the internet - but if that is what gets him going? We have plenty of opportunities to have sex, yet we don't. he never comes onto me - even if I initiate it.

[Cornfused]

His health is fine - he works out and has a great body (180-190 lbs 6 ft tall) He is bald, and may have an issue with that, but I never have. I tell him all the time how much I love him and love his body - but he doesn't usually tell me. I'm 5'7" 160 lbs. I could stand to use 15-20 lbs - but I pretty much look the same as I did when we met.

[Sanity Panda]

I'm guessing asexuality is ruled out of the question definitely then?

Counseulling does sound like a good suggestion, and truthfully it sounds like he has a mental blockage with sex, porn and love. Course this is always based off your own description. Is there no way to get his opinions and feelings on the matter?

[garentee]

I do not know if this book fits your needs, but it certainly is a very thought provoking book full of deep insights into human relationships...Receiving Love by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt.

[Keith]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

I'm sure if the guy was single, he'd be out every night trying to get laid. He just gets so much variety on the web, he's bored with the thought of the same person. Simple as that.

I'm sorry, but that's ludicrous. Masturbating to porn is not sex - it's not even a substitute for sex. Anyone who's done both can vouch for that.

Masturbation is a quick and convenient personal physical release - it has no emotional or social component. Masturbating to porn isn't comparable to cheating - it's just self-gratification. There is no emotional or romantic interest in the portrayed individuals - they're just abstract sex objects. (Which is creepy in itself, but that's a separate topic).

Cornfused,
I'm not clear from what you've said whether he views porn a lot and is just too 'spent' for sex (in which case it's an addiction that's a problem), or if you're 'just' bothered that he's still viewing porn when he doesn't appear to be attracted to you (in which case the actual problem is likely to be elsewhere).

Originally Posted by Cornfused

but if that is what gets him going? We have plenty of opportunities to have sex, yet we don't. he never comes onto me - even if I initiate it. I have asked him point blank if he isn't attracted to me, and he says that he is. Tells me that he doesn't want me to look like the girls he looks at on the internet

Do you get the feeling that he's attracted to you? Does he look at your body appreciatively?

Just based on what you said, it's hard to narrow down a cause.

Masturbation is a lot less demanding than sex. Maybe he finds sex too demanding in some way? Maybe he's just tired? Maybe he's not emotionally up to it? Maybe he's having libido issues? Maybe (I'm sorry to suggest) he's not attracted to you due to other relationship problems? Maybe, if you've been repeatedly asking him for sex he feels overwhelming pressure to perform and would rather just avoid the issue?

Is there any chance he'd see a counsellor with you? This doesn't sound like something you're going to hash out between just the two of you. At the very least it'd give him an idea of how seriously you take the matter. (If you go this path make it clear that it's not a judgemental thing - you just want to develop more intimacy in your relationship).