Husband rather look at porn than me

[freddy]

I wonder why are you making this a point now in the relationship. Sex only 1 time in two years is not normal for most folks? I'm sure he don't want you to look like the girls on the porn site. He knows you would have 100 guy at the door in a heart beat.
If I were in your shoes I really think I would be moving on. Or be happy with getting yourself off. At your young age, You will have little problem finding some quality men, who could and would please your needs. Maybe this guy is a good freind,and thats all he can be.
Most people stay in relationship because it convenient, scared of being alone. But if you don't have that love making connection. I think your better off in most cases alone. My advise for what its worth Try counseling, if that not happening, I be singing.... bye bye baby.....baby bye bye good luck

[Acting Like Godot]

My guess is that he's got a huge addiction to porn and masturbation; and he masturbates so much he's got no more libido left for the real thing.

[munish]

Does looking at pornogr... - Blogs - Revolution Health

[Mayo]

Umm that's odd...

What is your food regimen?

Maybe you could choose appropriate photographer and make some sexy artistic photos but i would try to find the fine line in case he is not mature enough to take it, well he seems immature.

If even that does not work... hmm maybe swinging but that is something for ppl. that are pretty mature and have a good confidence in the partner.

Good luck!

[Mayo]

But i have to ask another question, is his penis able to get erected?? Now that is something entirely different and in that case he should get his general health screened.

Years without having sex.. well that is just not normal. Maybe he is just trying with porn to achieve arrousal, but if he has no problems with his weener then it's in his head.

[Jackster]

It seems as if he needs to re-connect with you. Ask him to go back to the time that he was attracted to you, courting you and wanting to be with you and to share with you in the beginning of the relationship. Attempt to rekindle the feelings you had with each other and restart some mutual interests together to spark those feelings again. Also, if he is on any medications that may be stealing his libido, overweight, balding, poor nutrition and circulation, etc.

Since he will not attend needed counseling, If I may recommend some excellent information and DVD on "Sexual Healing" by Gary Null, PH.D.. He is the foremost authority on health, nutrition, alternative treatment, energy and spiritual healing. He has the largest archives on scietific studies, research and peer reviewed published articles in the world!

You can watch the video together. I am positive this is the answer! Good Luck!

[Vasilisa]

The thing which confuses me the most is that he doesnt' care about your feelings obviously.
Say, even if he is unable to have normal sex for some reasons, loving you he could try other ways of satisfying you.
Is he afraid to loose you? Has he ever expressed any concern that you might leave him one day?

[Rafael Perez]

I have had experience in this subject have seen many relationships fall apart because of this. First off I know you will hear the term porn addiction and all kinds of labels that will soften the blow to you because it will make it seem like he has no control over it.

Second I want you to know that it is not you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are perfect.

This gets a little tricky and can be a very sensative subject so I will try to be gentle.

Many times and one of the reasons this issue cannot be seen as an addiction is that the porn it self or the person is brought to blame.

The porn has nothing to do with it and honestly he is not aware of why he does what he does.

There are several reasons, you would know better than I which would apply

1. He comes from a family or background in which women are seen as less, maybe he had a very male dominant figure in his life and women were not seen as equal. In these case, sex is more of an issue of dominance. He may find himself feeling guilty about that and avoid having sex.

2. Self confidence in bed. Maybe he think he is not that good and feels like a dissapointment every time you have sex. He will avoid it and turn to self satisfaction as an outlet.

3. Maybe he feels obligated to stay together but doesn't want to.

Now, I have listed a few things here that have to do with him. What I really want you to focus on is yourself.

what do you want? I mean, what do you truly want in order to be happy? and what are you afraid of?

Do not go by the social mandate or what everyone wants from you. Do not ask this question with others expectations or beliefs in your mind. Pretend no one else in the world exist... it is just you.

What do you really want? and what are you afraid of? and then ask yourself "why?"

3.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Keith

I'm sorry, but that's ludicrous. Masturbating to porn is not sex - it's not even a substitute for sex. Anyone who's done both can vouch for that.

Masturbation is a quick and convenient personal physical release - it has no emotional or social component. Masturbating to porn isn't comparable to cheating - it's just self-gratification. There is no emotional or romantic interest in the portrayed individuals - they're just abstract sex objects. (Which is creepy in itself, but that's a separate topic).

Cornfused,
I'm not clear from what you've said whether he views porn a lot and is just too 'spent' for sex (in which case it's an addiction that's a problem), or if you're 'just' bothered that he's still viewing porn when he doesn't appear to be attracted to you (in which case the actual problem is likely to be elsewhere).


Do you get the feeling that he's attracted to you? Does he look at your body appreciatively?

Just based on what you said, it's hard to narrow down a cause.

Masturbation is a lot less demanding than sex. Maybe he finds sex too demanding in some way? Maybe he's just tired? Maybe he's not emotionally up to it? Maybe he's having libido issues? Maybe (I'm sorry to suggest) he's not attracted to you due to other relationship problems? Maybe, if you've been repeatedly asking him for sex he feels overwhelming pressure to perform and would rather just avoid the issue?

Is there any chance he'd see a counsellor with you? This doesn't sound like something you're going to hash out between just the two of you. At the very least it'd give him an idea of how seriously you take the matter. (If you go this path make it clear that it's not a judgemental thing - you just want to develop more intimacy in your relationship).

To be able to tell us how every single person feels about masturbation, to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no one ever feels an emotional attachment, and to know for certain that no one substitutes masturbation for sex. Nothing is that black and white. No one can speak for everyone. Everyone is different. All anyone can "know" is what it is to them. It's usually more productive if people don't attack people's opinions with words like "ludicrous". I don't mind if someone disagrees with me, but I see no reason to put anyone's opinion down. It's better to nicely debate an issue with actual evidence rather than just say someone is flat out wrong. You know nothing about the people who write on this site. You're probably not the wisest person here nor am I. I'd rather keep the discussions less antagonizing because it distracts from the information that could be exchanged. It's better to be humble and open.

[Keith]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

To be able to tell us how every single person feels about masturbation, to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no one ever feels an emotional attachment, and to know for certain that no one substitutes masturbation for sex. Nothing is that black and white. No one can speak for everyone. Everyone is different. All anyone can "know" is what it is to them.

Yes, it's a generalisation, and yes it's hard to decisively prove - as are most opinions in this thread. I believe it holds true for most men.

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

It's usually more productive if people don't attack people's opinions with words like "ludicrous". I don't mind if someone disagrees with me, but I see no reason to put anyone's opinion down.

I was possibly over-defensive. Your post appeared to be saying that viewing a lot of porn makes you incapable of having a committed and loving sexual relationship with a specific woman. I found that confronting as well as wrong, and probably could've been more tactful in my reply. My apologies.

My point remains though: The OP should strongly consider the possibility that the porn is not the cause of their poor sex life and look for other causes.

[Akasha]

I agree with Erin. I believe that your husband has a choice to make. He either wants to make your marriage work and do whatever it will take, i.e. counseling, separation, etc., to make it work, or he's willing to sign the dotted line on the divorce papers. You can't have a marriage without intimacy and trust. And it doesn't seem as if you have either of those at the moment. I was wondering...did you the two of you have a sex life before you were married? Or was the honeymoon the one and only time you ever were sexually active together? Also, have you entertained the idea that maybe your husband might be having an affair with someone online? That might explain why he spends so much time on the computer. Just some thoughts that I've been bouncing around in my head. I've been the victim of an unfaithful husband. I know how much it hurts. You need to find out now where this is heading. I know that he's your best friend and you don't want to lose that, but you don't need to be unhappy any longer either. There are only two options left. Either be in the marriage or be out of the marriage. The choice is his.

[blondiescomet32]

I know you feel invested in this. But come on, sex on the internet replacing a spouse is just wrong. Nothing will ever change unless you change. Getting involved with pornography is not the answer, allowing him to continue on with his destructive behavior is not the answer, Saying "change or else" is not the answer if you don't follow up with what you say. Porn Addicts have deeper issues. You need to tell your husband this ends now and give him a certain date you have set. If by that date he has not changed his behavior, I hate to tell you girl, you have to get out. And get out fast. I don't like divorce either but you are not in a marriage, you are in a nightmare being replaced by an image. PS - have you considered throwing the computer out in the trash? Yes it is possible to live without a computer in the year 2008. Even the church considers pornographic replacement of a spouse, infidelity. He IS cheating on you everytime he replaces you with an image of another woman/women/whatever. Don't let others fool you, pornography is wrong and is destroying marriages and relationships left and right. How can there be nothing wrong with that?

[MidasGirl]

You are 34, a woman with a healthy sexual apetite? And you've only had sex like once in the last 5 years if I read that right? And none of you is physically disabled? Let the poor man watch porn and masturbate, you have more important things to worry about.............like how to go about filing the divorce paperwork. It's gonna happen sooner or later anyway, no matter how much you resist it.

[Squid]

Have you considered approaching the subject of an open relationship? It might, at the very least, get his attention.

It seems you have done everything you can do to be accommodating and now it's his turn. You like your marriage but you don't like the lack of sex, Perhaps he likes the marriage too and enjoys the lack of sex. But it's not working for you. If divorce is not something you would consider perhaps you should approach the subject of you being permitted to have sexual partners outside of your marriage, since he is unwilling to satisfy your needs. You are entitled to sexual fulfillment, clearly he is fulfilled by pornography, you should not have to sacrifice your happiness.

[Thur]

Dear Cornfused,

Here comes a story from a guy that is/was like your husband. I've been addicted to internetporn and masturbation for over 10 years (without knowing it)

About a year ago my (now ex) girlfriend confronted me with the fact that she didn't like me watching porn. I told her that I was willing to change and tried for about 2 months. I didn't really try, but I told myself that I did. 2 months later she confronted me again and made clear that she thought that I was addicted to porn. So we surfed the net a bit and found out that a lot of symptoms were applicable to my case.
So the next morning we visited the doctor, and she forwarded me to a shrink. I thought I wanted to change, but actually I wanted to change for the people around me (girlfriend, mom, brother, friends). I told them all I was addicted and I felt I was obliged to them to get 'cured'. I only had a short time to visit the shrink, since I was going on a year-long trip with my girl-friend. I thought I had learned a lot about myself and why I looked at porn, but during the months that followed I found out I was as much addicted as before.

During my trip I found the site : Sexual Addiction Recovery
Take a look at this site, it's very helpful. They have workshops for the addicted, the partners and couples. And all free!


This site opened my eyes. I started the workshop. During one of the courses the question was asked: "Do you want to continue to live your life in lies, or do you want to live an honest life and accept all consequences?"
I thought about this for a while and decided to accept the consequences. This made me decide that I wanted to get rid of my addiction. I told my girlfriend I was going home to get cured. This was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I left my girlfriend all alone in a country far away and went home. That's now 7 months ago and I'm almost cured, and know a lot more about myself and the life I want to live.

It's been quite the story, I'm sorry it's this long. What I want to try to tell you is this:
Make your life's values and vision very clear for yourself. What do YOU want? Forget about your husband for a while, like your not married, no job, no kids, nothing whatsoever. Your alone, and you can make your life look like anything you want.
Than ask yourself how your current life fits in your 'dream-life'. Then check the pros and cons and decide.

Now my opinion:
-Confront him with the fact that he's addicted. Don't try to change him, because if he doesn't want to, he wont. The only one that can do something about an addiction is the one that is addicted.
- Ask him if he thinks he is addicted. If he says he isn't, ask him to stop watching at porn for 2 weeks. Even better, ban all possibilities of watching porn.
- When he agrees he's addicted let him take a look at the site I mentioned, it will hit him in the head and realize where he's at.

I think that he actually doesn't want to live his life this way. But if he does want to continue and you don't like that, you both have to act and accept the consequences. Then leave him, how hard it may be. Live your life the way YOU want it.

These are just my 2 cents, I have plenty of more thoughts about it, so feel free to ask for more

Good luck with this troublesome subject. I believe you two can figure it out!!!

[Goldhart23]

I have a boyfriend of 5 years who has extreme performance anxiety and it really took a toll on our relationship for a while in the early years...and he was always looking at porn, too. He had told me he had trouble performing with a former girlfriend as well.

Then we split up for a while and saw other people, then got back together when we realized that we really loved each other. He told me he also had trouble performing with the girl he saw during our split-up, and that he was buying more porn than ever during that time due to his frustrations.

He started to get counseling (seems he had issues with sex while growing up...I'm not privy to the details) and his doctor meanwhile suggested using Viagra to help in the bedroom. It worked--and very well! After a few successful love-making sessions, he felt more confident and didn't need as much (and sometimes no) Viagra!

As far as I know, he only looks at porn occasionally, now, and it's usually when he's had a long day and just wants a quick release. And now we've started to watch sexy movies together--something new we can share--and we're much happier. I wonder if something like this could work for you? (I know some solutions don't work for everyone, but I thought I'd share, just in case...)

Best of luck!