girlfriend problems

[Ak47]

I've been dating this girl for about a year and a half. She's a very gracious, polite, friendly, caring, no bullcrap type girl. She does a lot of good stuff for me, scratches my back, cleans up after me from time to time (i'm very absent minded - i live in my own head), etc.

I do like her, and i care about her a lot. In fact, she is essentially my only friend, believe it or not. I do have a few other friends, but they live in a city an hour away, and have obligations just like everyone else so i only see them once or twice a month.

The big issue with my girlfriend is that she's exceptionally insecure. Commets like, "I can't do anything right," "i'm just stupid," are common language for her. Now, i'm not an exceptionally outgoing person, but i am very assertive and individualistic myself. Also, i like to think that i at least give pretty reasonable advice. Yes, i know, i know, a girl just wants someone to listen. When you've listened to the same thing for a year though, it gets to be a bit monotonous. I've given her a lot of suggestions as to how to overcome her insecurity (often related to social situations). It's not that she doesn't listen, but she doesn' even TRY to change herself. Obviously change is very difficult when you're not willing to put in the effort to do it...

Yet, she is plagued by her own insecurity. She's terrified of social interaction, more or less. She's afraid to talk to strangers; i've had to speak on her behalf for many, many things when she's standing right there! While that is a bit annoying, i can handle that alone.

Unfortunately, i feel like (for the last 6 months or so) that I'M falling victim to her insecurity. She's attached to me very seriously, which combined with her insecurity is a total disaster. I can't make friends because she feels that she constantly needs my attention. [this beside the point that she disapproves of almost everyone. she's very judgemental, which i can only assume causes her to believe that everyone else is judgemental too... only contributing to her insecurity] I'm often afraid to even just LOOK at an other women (not even any particular area!) for fear of hurting her already very sensitive self-conscious. If i just glance in the direction of another girl i often, OFTEN catch her turn her head quickly to see what i'm looking at.

I'm getting more and more fed up with her infringement in areas that i should have at least some level of liberty (making friends, having time for friends when she's not around, looking at women, or even checking out women for that matter!; i can look but not touch, right?). We do not live together, but we see eachother at least 6 days a week for a few hours or more a day. We seldom argue because i tend to be very sympathetic and easy going, but when i feel that my liberties are attacked is when there is a real problem.

We both went to hang out with a new, mutual friend (female, but TAKEN) tonight for the first time, and when we got back to my place our conversation went something like this:

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She said, "Are you really going to take her to hang out with you and the guys sometime?"

I said, "Maybe, she said she wanted to see X city anyway; she IS from california (we live in ohio). Maybe if Mike has a bon fire we'll all three go down."

She said, "Why would you want to take her to the fire with you?"

I said, "Because she's funny and she'd get along with the guys. Plus, she'd give you someone to talk to."

*she gives me snotty face* i ask why.

She said, "Well it just bothers me because you said she's funny and stuff and would get along with them but last time you didn't want to take me."

I said, "Hunny, the last time i took you you said you didn't have any fun at all, you said you were uncomfortable the whole time. If i take you and you're not having fun, i feel like i have to entertain you and then i don't get to visit with my friends and it degrades the experience for the both of us. If she went with us you would have someone else to talk to other than me, since you're too shy to talk to my other friends. Do you know what i mean?"

She gets more angry and says, "Well it makes it seem like she's fun and i'm not."

I said, "What are you talking about you? I see you EVERY DAY. If you weren't fun at all don't you think i'd hang out with you less?"

She said, "Just drop it." then left without even saying goodbye...

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In all seriousness that is really how the conversation went down. Does anyone else see a problem here? I don't know what i should do. If i take a break from her that potentially means that neither of us would have any friends. There is our new friend, but i'd let her have her if it really came down to our deciding anything like that, more or less. I would hate to make her lonely, and i'm a deathly lonely person myself to begin with. However, i also do not feel i can effectively make friends with her breathing over my shoulder with jealousy and judging everyone i meet behind their backs (i can't believe she hasn't said anything about our "new friend" yet, honestly).

Any suggestions or advice?

[silicon toad2000]

That all sounds so familiar. I am far from an expert in these matters, but it rings so true for me that I wanted to contribute my thoughts.
I don't think much you can do will help. She needs to realise that she is the best thing there is in her world. She needs to realise inside her own head that what you think about her doesn't matter and what others think about her doesn't matter, the only thing that should matter to her is how she feels about herself.
I think aside from reinforcing these things there isn't much ese you can do. You cannot make that journey for her.
You can tell her how important she is to you and how great she is but it wont help until the only person she needs to hear that from is herself.

[JimOfferman]

Well, you know the drill... you cannot change her, but you can change how you respond to her.

You may need to be a little less sympathetic and easy going with her. Stand your ground! You love her, but you do need space to have your own friends and do your own things - you are not a bad boyfriend for wanting those things.

In fact, it is better for both of you! You are not helping her with her security issues by giving in to her play - you are only reinforcing her idea that the world is a bad place and you are the only one who gives her anything. Not good!

[realloc]

I was also in a similar situation with a woman.

In hindsight, the things I didn't like about her were reflections of what I needed to solve within myself. Being a good example will help indirectly. Playing the role of social worker is not recommended.

On a logical level, when making dating decisions today, I follow the system. If I noticed early on that the woman had chronic low self-esteem then I would be a Spartan and move on. In addition to a good attitude, I want a woman who has low emotional baggage.

Another possibility is her need for constant self-assurance would not be met since I'm a challenge and she would walk. Until she is my girlfriend I would only see her once a week and stay off the phone.

The goal is to not have a wife who calls to check-in every 2 hours while I'm out with my drinking buddies. By moving on I'm doing the next guy a favor since she will eventually improve that part of herself.

[Ak47]

Originally Posted by silicon toad2000

That all sounds so familiar. I am far from an expert in these matters, but it rings so true for me that I wanted to contribute my thoughts.
I don't think much you can do will help. She needs to realise that she is the best thing there is in her world. She needs to realise inside her own head that what you think about her doesn't matter and what others think about her doesn't matter, the only thing that should matter to her is how she feels about herself.
I think aside from reinforcing these things there isn't much ese you can do. You cannot make that journey for her.
You can tell her how important she is to you and how great she is but it wont help until the only person she needs to hear that from is herself.

Indeed, i try to reinforce the idea that what others think don't matter. Still, she seems to be what i'd like to call "never"-changing. It's interesting because she's so insecure when it comes to "what so-and-so must think about me," yet she's still got some level of an ego (she's pretty bright). Then again, i guess everyone has an ego on some level.

I know cannot take the initiative, she must, which is a real problem. I just wish she would do it and get it overwith. She's still only 19 (i'm only 20), so i'm still hoping that she'll grow out of it. I keep fearing that she never will grow out of it though. I don't want to spend my early twenties dedicated to a girl, hoping that she'll mature when she may or may not. If she doesn't i'll be wasting my best opportunity to find a good gal (being youngish), and could end up stuck doing all this crap for the rest of my life, or worse; alone.

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Well, you know the drill... you cannot change her, but you can change how you respond to her.

You may need to be a little less sympathetic and easy going with her. Stand your ground! You love her, but you do need space to have your own friends and do your own things - you are not a bad boyfriend for wanting those things.

I suppose i am over-sympathetic a lot of the time, but she's so sensitive. I mean, this girl will actually cry if she thinks i like a quality about someone more than that same quality about her. It's like she expects her self to be perfect in every way, but she never tries to improve her self at the same time.

Yes, i need my own space and my own friends. In the past, I lived for a whole year in pure solitude except for family interaction. It changed a lot of my views, and it made me less reliant on people per say, but at the same time it gave friend a whole new meaning, and value for me. Now to be deprived of having more than one friend, more or less, is killing me. I'm horribly lonely because of it.

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

In fact, it is better for both of you! You are not helping her with her security issues by giving in to her play - you are only reinforcing her idea that the world is a bad place and you are the only one who gives her anything. Not good.

That is an excellent perspective, and one that i had not quite fully considered before (at least didn't make some of the connections). Yes, she does believe the world to be a bad place. She was incredibly sheltered as a child by her mother, who is practically the same person only 2x the age and 5x more cynical! --Not to be too harsh, but her mom drives me crazy! She's totally judgemental, totally insecure, etc. I could not see myself living the rest of my life with a woman like that. Her mother constantly tries to impress me, etc, as if i'm judging her and her family; when in all honesty her defense of herself in that way is what makes me think less of her.

Same goes for my girlfriend. I know she does these things to try and keep me around because she's so attached. I'm not sure she realizes that in the very effort she's making to maintain what we have, she's pushing me away. I have told her this on several occasions in the pass, but it just doesn't get trhough it seems.

[Honeywith4bees]

Hey AK47 ~

In my past experience, the more you cater towards your partners insecurities, the less they will try to overcome them. I know it's hard to not be sensitive to some one that you care abouts pain, but it doesn't really do anything towards creating a dynamic relationship, does it? Judging from your previous posts, it seems like you have an awful lot to offer as far as value in both friendships and as a romantic partner. I don't think that you should be limiting yourself at this point in your life because of your girlfriends insecurities. Let her know how important a full social life is to you, make a plan to start engaging in that life, and see if she's interested in following along.

Good luck!

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Ak47

I have told her this on several occasions in the pass, but it just doesn't get trhough it seems.

In the movie business they say: "show, don't tell"

It is the one thing from the movies that is also applicable in life. Telling her the consequences of her actions is useless, but showing those consequences to her might just help.

I don't mean you should pack up and go - but you could try taking some more alone time. Keep her less in the loop about what you're doing when you are alone (because, apparently, telling her feeds into her insecurities). When she asks about the how and why, tell her that you love her but you are doing this for yourself, not her. Respond when she treats you like you want to be treated, ignore her otherwise. Make all you actions align with your words.

[Ak47]

I confronted her this morning about how i feel about the situation. The result: she cried for about an hour. She understood what i was saying though i think.

I explained that i've tried, and tried to help her overcome her insecurities, and in the past nothing i've done has helped her grow in anyway, i was only protecting her from hurting herself further. I explained that doing this for her was hurting me in some ways (which i was originally okay with), but that since my effort didn't seemed to be helping her in the long run..., if i can't help her help herself, that i might as well help myself.

I went on too, about how i can't always protect her from herself and the rest of the world, and she needs to learn to protect herself because for whatever reason i may not always be there to be her shield, etc.

She was pretty receptive to what i explained to her, and she warmed up to me pretty quickly after "the conversation." Especially after i told her that dwelling on everything i just said, and kicking her own ass for it was just another way she was allowing her insecurities to cause her personal suffering. I pointed out that dwelling, and "keeping in mind" are two very different things. Good tips guys, thanks for the help!

[lagerk]

Originally Posted by Ak47

However, i also do not feel i can effectively make friends with her breathing over my shoulder with jealousy and judging everyone i meet behind their backs

Now to be deprived of having more than one friend, more or less, is killing me. I'm horribly lonely because of it.

Yes, she does believe the world to be a bad place. She was incredibly sheltered as a child by her mother

She's afraid to talk to strangers; i've had to speak on her behalf for many, many things when she's standing right there! While that is a bit annoying, i can handle that alone.

Unfortunately, i feel like (for the last 6 months or so) that I'M falling victim to her insecurity. She's attached to me very seriously, which combined with her insecurity is a total disaster. I can't make friends because she feels that she constantly needs my attention.

I'm getting more and more fed up with her infringement in areas that i should have at least some level of liberty (making friends, having time for friends when she's not around, looking at women, or even checking out women for that matter!; i can look but not touch, right?). We do not live together,

I feel you!

I'm really glad that you posted this thread because I am having the same problem with my girlfriend as well, BUT I am living with her!
After confronting her do you see any changes in her? I would really like to know the outcome of your situation for it may help me as well.

Thank you