forgiveness truly is the path to peace and joy

[uberinquisitive]

Many know my story - me and my bf broke up in the end of January. Until about mid-March, we were in a strange limbo area of "more than friends."

In mid-March, I stopped contacting him. Why? Because he didn't contact me on my birthday. He never sent a belated birthday email either. I was so DONE with him. I was filled with hubris. I thought about all the wrong he did me, and I didn't want to focus on him anymore.

Then, about a week ago, something inside me broke. I realized that there are no "wrong" actions. As in, not speaking to him for 6 weeks wasn't good or bad. However, there are "wrong" intentions. And my intention was based upon pride and resentment. I hadn't released him in true compassion and love. So, I felt a deep heaviness inside me.

Finally, a week ago, I emailed him and left him a voicemail. And since then, I've felt lighter and lighter, even though he has yet to respond. Because I've truly forgiven - both myself and him.

Forgiving myself was tough - I looked back at all the mistakes I made in the relationship. I fixated on all the times I gave my power away. I felt disgusted with myself. I berated myself. In fact, because I had been berating myself for months, it had become background music. I almost didn't notice the negative self-talk.

How did I finally forgive myself? I did some intense EFT rounds on the following ideas:

At the time, I really was doing my very best with what limited life experience/knowledge/fragile emotional state I had at the time. Even if I "thought" I knew better, I didn't truly know it in my heart. I was like a little kid who was told not to cross the street, but still did it anyways because I honestly didn't understand the true consequences.

Everything in the past happened perfectly and exactly as it should have happened. If _______ hadn't happened, then I wouldn't have had ______ happen.

Making mistakes is a normal part of being a human. Taking responsibility is me expressing the bigger part of myself. I am not a bad, deformed, shameful thing - how can I be, when I am constantly stretching myself to be bigger than before?

Yesterday, I sent another email to the ex-bf. It was a "good luck!" email (he plays sports). Instead of replying back to me, he blocked me from looking at his online calendar.

Of course, I was first confused and shocked. And then I started to cry. But I felt ZERO anger or blame towards him. Instead, I felt compassion and understanding - I knew he was hurting and acting out based upon our history. It hurt me that he was hurting. I felt regret for my hubris.

However...a few hours later, I was able to forgive myself again. And...I felt EVEN MORE LIGHTER. Maybe it's because, instead of reacting with my ego, I reacted with my inner Being. Instead of adding yet another grievance, I subtracted any remaining baggage by forgiving him...and thus myself...even more.

Today, I feel a deep compassion and platonic love for my ex-bf. I can almost see golden tendrils flowing from me to him. This is definitely the first time I've ever experienced this.

Anyways, for anyone holding onto negativity in their relationships - take it from me: forgiveness is truly the path to YOUR peace and joy. You don't do it for the other person (my ex-bf has no idea of what's going on in my life!). Forgiving another person is actually forgiving yourself.

And, if anyone deserves your forgiveness...isn't it youself?

[Ree]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

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Today, I feel a deep compassion and platonic love for my ex-bf. I can almost see golden tendrils flowing from me to him. This is definitely the first time I've ever experienced this.

Anyways, for anyone holding onto negativity in their relationships - take it from me: forgiveness is truly the path to YOUR peace and joy. You don't do it for the other person (my ex-bf has no idea of what's going on in my life!). Forgiving another person is actually forgiving yourself.

And, if anyone deserves your forgiveness...isn't it youself?

You really expressed yourself beautifully here. How wonderful for YOU that you've reached this point in your life. Think how many unpleasant experiences and emotions you will not have to endure because you've reached this level of understanding.

Mark Twain said forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds upon the heel that has crushed it.

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by Ree

Mark Twain said forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds upon the heel that has crushed it.

Holy moly. That is one of the most evocative quotes ever.

I do want to add: for me, forgiveness didn't happen in one fell swoop. I've been working consciously on self-forgiveness for almost 1.5 years. And I am sure that I will have some days coming up where I may struggle with this newfound feeling - after all, I've spent years in self-blame and blaming others.

But it's enough that...for this moment, this week...I am filled with utter forgiveness. Even if I fall back into old habits, I will not fall back as deeply. And I can then learn to be forgiving again.

This is a process, not some open-and-shut incident.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks for sharing this, uber. Very pertinent to me right now.

And, Ree, that quote is so awesome! Thanks for bringing it to our attention.

[moonlite]

I also think that it is very good for you that you learned how to forgive, to forgive completely is certainly far better than to stick to your anger, fear or resentment.

However reading your post I felt that you are still deeply attached to your bf. I felt that in a way your forgiveness had opened a new way to experience this attachment making it really hard to leave this relationship in reality.

Yes, that's exactly what I wrote. You still didn't leave. You still live in a world when you and him are a couple.

"I can almost see golden tendrils flowing from me to him."
"Anyways, for anyone holding onto negativity in their relationships (...)"

This is your message to people IN relationship so apparently you didn't leave that one.

I think that another wave of forgiveness, and believe me or not - this forgiveness will be complete - can come AFTER you accept that there is no relationship* between two of you anymore. When he will stop to be a very special person in your life. He will be just special, as everyone is.

*I mean here something more than relationship which exists between any people, between you and me for instance.