Loan the money Question

[freddy]

I have a step daughter, who has given me gray hairs for 10 years that I have known her. She has improved, in that she is trying to better herself going to medical school. Her teen years, she was into the drug crowd. And still smokes weed from time to time. She has come upon a time where she needs money. She is very poor at saving any for the problem times we all have. She has her pay check spent before she gets it. And she is very good at lying
I am trying to take a stand of not helping her out with up comming bills that could effect her from getting into the nursing program,.Becauce of her past drug problems, the only way she will get in, would be by grades, and she has good grades. She owes the school some money, and she needs this paid to to be put on a list to qualify.
My thoughts are Let the bills come in and if she can pay them great if she can't maybe it's not meant to be. I have a small problem helping someone get into medical school who is using pot, the last time I looked, it was against the law.
I know if I don't help she going to be totally pissed off at me her mom and my wife died 5 months back. And so I'm the closest to family she has. She was not that close to her mom.
I think she see's me as a money man. But I want to move on with my life and she seems to be following in her moms foot prints as far as money issues are concerned. What might you do?

[JimOfferman]

I would not let my daughter out in the cold like that. I can understand why you are reluctant to help out of principle, as would I, but I would also never forgive myself for taking away my daughter's chance at receiving a proper education...

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I would help her. And I would help her in such a way that she is only able to use the funds for their intended purpose -- pay a bill directly, buy food and drop it at her house, pay a school bill.

While I see where you are coming from Jim, I also have to say that there comes a time when you have to let people feel the consequences of their actions if they will ever be able to stand on their own feet. If I remember correctly she is in her 20s and has a child and has never stepped up to the plate to become financially responsible.

I'd hate to see freddy in a situation where his retirement years are spent bailing out and supporting his middle aged kids (as is the case with some in my own family) to his own stress and detriment.

You can perhaps pay off a certain bill for her and let her know that you will not do it again (and of course you have to stick to that). You might also be able to help her with budgeting and saving.

ETA: I just realized that's the first time I've sorta disagreed with Jim on something. Perhaps it's a sign of the pending Apocolypse!!

[carenkh]

Having been someone who didn't manage money well, and who used to manipulate and lie to get money... I may have some perspective.

If you're able to help her financially, help where you're able - but *don't* give any money to her directly. If the school needs the money, make sure you see the bill, and write the check directly to the school - and mail it yourself. lol (I've been able to talk people into cashing checks written to others -- I can be very charming when necessary! Thankfully, I don't live that way any more.) If she's making good grades, it seems like she's taking the program seriously, and that says a lot.

[Angela]

If you can't give her money with a generous heart, don't give it to her. It'll cost you both too much.

If you can find a way to be generous or feel good about the gift in some way, give it to her.

Paying the school sounds like a pretty good investment to me. It's your heart's investment of trust in her to take care of herself and her child. That's just me, though.

[freddy]

Thanks for the fast response. I'm sure I will fold, when the time comes to pay the bill (I'm such a softy) when it comes to this kinda think. Hopfully in the years to come, she will be able to help me change my Depends in a timely order. Hee hee hee Like that's going to happen. Peace

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

While I see where you are coming from Jim, I also have to say that there comes a time when you have to let people feel the consequences of their actions if they will ever be able to stand on their own feet.

I do agree with that in theory, but I just would not be able to put that in practice when it would concern my child.

Guess I'm a softy too

ETA: I just realized that's the first time I've sorta disagreed with Jim on something. Perhaps it's a sign of the pending Apocolypse!!

Lord help us!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

I do agree with that in theory, but I just would not be able to put that in practice when it would concern my child.

Guess I'm a softy too

And that is a big reason why we all love you so much .

I know it's hard when it's your child. It's a little easier for me to take this stance because I have relatives in their 40s and 50s still living off of their elderly parents. I think it's wrong and it ends up lowering the quality of the parents lives while their kids stay addicted to drugs and sporadically working.

However, in some cultures the extended family lives together throughout their lives and that seems to work well. In those instances though the cultural tradition also seems to enforce that each family member contributes to the whole.

Again, I would really want to help, but I would try to do it in a way that minimized the possibility of my help enabling destructive behaviour.