The end of a relationship

[Ikk]

Hello. I am a new member and am asking for an advice over an emotional situation. I'll give a detailed description of what occured.

I have been dating a woman for last 2 years, but actually our relationship has lasted for 5 years (including 3 years of high school »on and off's«). Last few months things began going downhill. We live in different towns, approximately two hours of driving apart, so we have mostly only been able to see each other on weekends. It has been so for the last year and a half. Few months ago, she started to show a tendency to liven up a relationship, which was quite difficult due to aforementioned »distance«.
One month ago, she admitted cheating on me with three guys on different parties (no sex) and wanted to leave me because of what she did. She was crying. I told her that it is quite absurd to cheat on me and then leave me because of it. She then asked me if I could forgive her and give us another chance. So I did.
Two weeks ago she broke her leg and I took her to the hospital, took care of her, etc. The »thanks for everything you did for me« kiss was the first time I noticed some dishonesty. Can't really explain. Then she asked me few days later if I could give her back a book of hers I have at my place, for which I know she doesn't care about. Things started to get suspicious. Next day I freaked out, called her and told her that I know our relationship has been a bit dull for the past two months and that now spring is here and that I'll do everything to liven it up. She said I should stop having panic attacks and that everything is allright. We met the next day and she was all moody. Before our parting kiss she told me that this is our last date, she doesn't love me and doesn't want to see me again. She said kissing me makes her feel like a whore.
I went like what and tried to figure out what the heck just happened. I emotionally freaked out and called her on phone in the night six times. In the morning she finally picked up the phone and when I asked her if she really doesn't want to see me anymore she said she wants to. And then almost as if she's sorry: »it'll all work out fine for you.« I told her I should actually erase her out of my life and she said with regret and guilt in her voice: »perhaps that would be the best thing to do.« I asked her the same first question again and she got upset and told me that she's going to new york and won't take the phone with her.
Now she's been planning New York for quite some time, but I wasn't able to go with her because of my exams. No matter what she said, I know she still feels strongly for me and only did it the way she did because of her own emotions (right before new york etc., so she could more easily get over it). I think she has something that is for her simply stronger than her feelings towards me, but don't think she is seeing another man. Forgot to mention the day she left me, she told me that I once said to her that no one will love her as I do, but that a lot of people stay alone for their whole lives and why not her? Now I wouldn't be too worried about it all, because we always tend to get back together when we meet somewhere randomly after a breakup, but since we have no more mutual friends, that really won't be a possibility in the future. We had a bunch of plans of moving in together in three years time when she finishes her doctorate, marrying and having a baby.
She totally broke my heart, but I love her dearly and don't want to lose her (although I actually just lost her). I think she probably got scared of being young and of the thought of spending her whole life with one person or perhaps she cheated on me again and doesn't want to live with constantly abusing my trust. My opinion is, that it is quite idiotic that ways of such soulmates as we are need to be parted while feelings for each other are still there, no matter what obstacles life sets on the way(call me an idealist). Now before you accuse me of convincing myself that she still loves me although she said she doesn't feel anything anymore, I must repeat I have a good reason to believe otherwise, although it is of too personal substance to be revealed here. I gave a lot (perhaps too much?) of information and basically ask for advice of someone who's an expert on women psychology or even better, another woman.

My basic plan is to go to her place when she returns from NY, ring her doorbell and tell her that if we must part, let's at least do it honorably, have a little smalltalk and most probably, part ways forever. What could be her reasons for leaving me if she actually still loves me (which I have good reasons to believe she does)? What are my chances of ever getting her back in my life and what action could be taken to do so? I'm not usually asking strangers for advices, but I'm really kindda puzzled and shattered on this one, although I have been thinking it over and over again for quite some time now. Any feedback is appreciated and please, do forgive me for the length of the post and for my bad spelling and grammar, since english is not my mother's tongue. Thank you.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Ikk

What could be her reasons for leaving me if she actually still loves me (which I have good reasons to believe she does)?.

Hi, Ikk. Welcome to the forums. I'm sorry it's pain that brought you here, but I hope we can do something for you, and vice-versa.

You know, just because two people love each other or feel like they are soulmates doesn't mean they belong together in a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR). You can love each other, and still let each other go with love. That would be your best bet. Like when you drop your hat in a river of boiling lava, you'd better let it go because man, it's gone.

It sounds like you're both in your very early 20s, right? She needs to explore and discover a life she loves before she's ready and experienced enough to want to make a commitment to a man (which I assume you are, sorry if I'm presumptuous). If I had married the man I lived with when I was 20, there is no way we would still be married when I was 30, and he is a great guy. It doesn't mean anything about you.

The most loving and generous thing you can do is to honor her request, and let her go; deal with your feelings with your friends and family, not with her. She does not owe you "closure" or an "honorable ending." That is up to YOU on your own.

It's possible that you two will meet up again later, but a true reconciliation is not possible until you have let go of your attachment. At that point, you would be able to see each other fresh, as the newly created people, free of your old pain, that you will both be.

It's hard, I know. But you will make it much easier for yourself, for her, and for your future LLTMBR if you practice acceptance.

I highly recommend reading Byron Katie's "I Need Your Love - Is That True?" -- that book has been really helpful for a lot of other people in these forums who have been through what you're going through.

Best wishes to you. You will feel better.

Lots of love,
Angela

p.s. Your English is excellent, what are you talking about?!

[JimOfferman]

^^^ What she said... and a warm welcome to you, Ikk!

[uberinquisitive]

I was in a 5 year relationship between 19-24. I broke up with him by moving to NYC. Months before, I had cheated on him by hooking up with other guys. I was emotionally DONE with the relationship. I still loved my bf...I still cared about him...but I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

He tried to call me, and see me. I still cared, so I met up with him. But I was emotionally finished with the relationship. I couldn't re-gain that feeling. When it's over...it's over.

Sounds like your gf is done.

I'm sorry.

[Green]

hi Ikk, that's really painful i can feel that however i am with Angela, i dont know exactly how old both of you are , but may be it is really the time that she needs to explore her life without any commitments though i am convinced this is not fair, plus she may regert it all, um sure as well that you can move on time will pass and you will forget all about this you will keep the good memories, throw the bad ones and will be busy in your life, may be involved in another relationship or even a longterm commitment what is important as i believe is not to live with the hope that you will meet and be back again with eachother once more, next time when you have the opprotunity to get back to her you should think twice ( as i have been deserted by a boyfriend twice- he wasnt convinced with our relation on that time, so when we were back he left again and the second time really hurts more, as you feel you were so stupid to give someone the chance to do it twice) and i lived for sometime on the hope that he will be back and that we belong to eachother but we were not he got married to another girl and till this moment i believe (may be just to relief myself) that he doesnt love her he just saw her more suitable to him. any how just go on with your life as angela said spend more time with your friends and your family ,start to know new friends i dont mean a new GF just new persons they will refresh your life -i did that- time will heal it all. and may be at the end she will come back ready for a commitment and you are still free - who knows.

[kxk56]

>One month ago, she admitted cheating on me with three guys on different
>parties (no sex) and wanted to leave me because of what she did.

With 3 guys? OK this is either a) a trick to make you leave or b) she is a whore..

Is she wants you to leave then she is having an affair. This would be very simple to check.. Just stop by at her place on weekdays without letting her know and watch her.

If b):
If she had a sex with 3 guys - don't waste your time and leave her. What guarantee do you have that she will not do it again?


>She said kissing me makes her feel like a whore.

OK, this looks like she is having an affair and she is not sure who to choose. That is why she is feeling as whore - because she is betraying either you or other person.

>but don't think she is seeing another man

I am not going to speculate more.. Just check if she is seeing soemone.