Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums

minnie · 12-03-2006, 01:21 AM

I've discovered that I'm deeply afraid of giving people unconditional love and encouragement. I just want someone to love me unconditionally -- at some point in my life, I was unconditional in my love... I think.. But then people took advantage of me, were terrible to me, though I was very nice to them, and now they're happy while I now feel like the odd man out... I always prayed for those people that treated me badly, because I didn't want any ill feelings that I might have towards them affect them badly.

I know that I must have attracted this in some way, and I think that by focusing on the people that I disliked, their characteristics, I've become the kind of person that I dislike... I'm not sure how to come out of it...

I really love people, I just don't know how to be myself around them. When I am myself around them, or at least I think I'm being myself around them, I tend to end up saying something stupid or acting freakishly weird.

How do I stay in a positive state? I've had some amazing experiences with law of attraction when I first started it, because I was very neutral about it working or not working. Now that I've seen it work to bring me incredible things, I feel like I've become possessive about it... thus I've been attracting what I don't want...

Alvin · 12-03-2006, 03:11 AM

Hi minnie,

When I was younger, I was like you and I had a friend who was more like you. As we went into seperate schools, I could see myself changing while he could not, even though I was beginning to make more friends he had difficulty doing so.

Not because he wasn't a nice guy, he was, and he was very giving, but he just couldn't pick up the social skills that would have helped him become more accepted by his peers.

What made the difference?

First, a healthy self-esteem. Build up a healthy self-image of yourself, because it's true: you will be treated the way you expect to be.

There are lots of resources out there like books and motivational audio programs that will teach you just that, but my personal advice would be for you to challenge yourself to stretch outside your comfort zone and keep growing by doing things that are scary but good for you.

Knowing that you can overcome your fears and doubts and come out on top will do wonders for the way you keep yourself

Second, be willing to change. What held my friend back for years (he's 27 and still hasn't had a single relationship) was his inability to let go of outmoded models of the way the world works. At 21 he still had a 14 year old's view on relationships...how could you build a healthy relationship with your peers that way?

What's the solution? Read books, listen to tapes that deal with this subject, talk to people, learn. The best way of course, is to:

Be willing to flop, and bounce back up again. In learning to be with people, you will screw up and you will say and do stupid things. Hardly encouraging is it? But everyone does!

Be willing to take risks, make mistakes, and learn from them, because they'll make you even more kick-ass in time.

Akashic_Librarian · 12-03-2006, 07:22 AM

I experience this, Mnnie, all the time at school. Its horrible and I empathize with you...Here is how I cope:

First. Meditate daily to conterol the emotions.

Second. Focus on the good people you like and who like you - there must be someone - and forget about the other people, you can still unconditionally love them, but you shouldn't tie your ego up into the situation, which is what you are doing.

Thirdly. Live and let live.

In the words of The Beatles: "Let it be"

Alvin · 12-03-2006, 08:16 AM

P.S. Oh, and Minnie, giving unconditional isn't enough, you'll have to know what you want to receive and take back too

Dating Specialist · 12-03-2006, 04:29 PM

Hi Minnie

How about loving yourself unconditionally? Love yourself in times when you feel fear and anxiety, and in times when you feel happy and giving?

Because when you're filled with so much love for yourself, you will not be attracting anything you don't want into your life. You love yourself too much to allow that to happen!

legend · 12-09-2006, 11:43 PM

Minnie, I've got some good news and some bad news
The bad news is you have not given unconditional Love
Unconditional Love by definition is given without attachment to how the other acts or reacts. It is not easy we all want to feel connected and want to feel Love in return.

The good news is you are aware there is another way
This is a gift that puts you ahead of 99% of the people out there
The real question is why were you given this gift?
The answer is always the same
If you are given a certain awareness it is to teach others and share
this is not easy but you are strong

My dad the SOB that he was gave me some great advice many, many years ago

"The world hates a small fool" he went on to say "we are all fools in our own way so son please be the biggest fool in the room"

It has served me well
so screw what others might or might not think about you being weird
and give Love unconditionaly
Clearly you know how.

I caught a vibe reading your post
You are a beautiful person
Let the world see that and it will be o.k.

Much Love

Isis Kali · 12-10-2006, 12:31 AM

Admitting the problem is the first step

One of the first things you can do is to stop judging yourself so harshly! You'll just dig yourself deeper into a hole of low self-esteem.

Second of all, know that yes, your past is going to color how you see the present. Your task is to pick which way you'll see those past events. Are you still looking at them and kicking yourself, or saying ouch? If you are, then they'll never heal, and they'll never take the correct place in your life that they should...which is as old problems that are dealt with.

If there are serious issues, you need to hie thee to a therapist, stat. Some things need help.

Lastly, if you feel that weird and displaced within yourself, meditation is a big help.

Good luck!

Lychee · 12-10-2006, 05:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by legend

Minnie, I've got some good news and some bad news
The bad news is you have not given unconditional Love
Unconditional Love by definition is given without attachment to how the other acts or reacts. It is not easy we all want to feel connected and want to feel Love in return.

The good news is you are aware there is another way
This is a gift that puts you ahead of 99% of the people out there
The real question is why were you given this gift?
The answer is always the same
If you are given a certain awareness it is to teach others and share
this is not easy but you are strong

My dad the SOB that he was gave me some great advice many, many years ago

"The world hates a small fool" he went on to say "we are all fools in our own way so son please be the biggest fool in the room"

It has served me well
so screw what others might or might not think about you being weird
and give Love unconditionaly
Clearly you know how.

I caught a vibe reading your post
You are a beautiful person
Let the world see that and it will be o.k.

Much Love

That was deep.

Jill · 12-10-2006, 03:33 PM

Quote:

"The world hates a small fool" he went on to say "we are all fools in our own way so son please be the biggest fool in the room"

That's great...LOVE IT!

Isis Kali · 12-10-2006, 10:06 PM

I know...I'm so about to steal that for my sig line!

TechnoGuyRob · 12-10-2006, 10:58 PM

There is no such thing as unconditional love (or encouragement). I will give two statements. The first one shows it logically. The second provides an example.

(1) Calling love unconditional is a logical fallacy. Obviously, the property of being "unconditional" is a condition (that makes it "unconditional love"). Of course, then by definition, it isn't unconditional (since it requires a condition).

(2) Consider "loving" a person. If you would remove an atom by atom, there would eventually be a point where that "person" would not be "loved", perhaps as small as one atom or no atoms. Hence, there does exist a condition. Then by contradiction, this "unconditional love" cannot be unconditional.

12-03-2006, 01:21 AM	#1 (permalink)
minnie Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 14	being unconditional... I've discovered that I'm deeply afraid of giving people unconditional love and encouragement. I just want someone to love me unconditionally -- at some point in my life, I was unconditional in my love... I think.. But then people took advantage of me, were terrible to me, though I was very nice to them, and now they're happy while I now feel like the odd man out... I always prayed for those people that treated me badly, because I didn't want any ill feelings that I might have towards them affect them badly. I know that I must have attracted this in some way, and I think that by focusing on the people that I disliked, their characteristics, I've become the kind of person that I dislike... I'm not sure how to come out of it... I really love people, I just don't know how to be myself around them. When I am myself around them, or at least I think I'm being myself around them, I tend to end up saying something stupid or acting freakishly weird. How do I stay in a positive state? I've had some amazing experiences with law of attraction when I first started it, because I was very neutral about it working or not working. Now that I've seen it work to bring me incredible things, I feel like I've become possessive about it... thus I've been attracting what I don't want...

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12-03-2006, 03:11 AM	#2 (permalink)
Alvin Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Singapore Posts: 433	Hi minnie, When I was younger, I was like you and I had a friend who was more like you. As we went into seperate schools, I could see myself changing while he could not, even though I was beginning to make more friends he had difficulty doing so. Not because he wasn't a nice guy, he was, and he was very giving, but he just couldn't pick up the social skills that would have helped him become more accepted by his peers. What made the difference? First, a healthy self-esteem. Build up a healthy self-image of yourself, because it's true: you will be treated the way you expect to be. There are lots of resources out there like books and motivational audio programs that will teach you just that, but my personal advice would be for you to challenge yourself to stretch outside your comfort zone and keep growing by doing things that are scary but good for you. Knowing that you can overcome your fears and doubts and come out on top will do wonders for the way you keep yourself Second, be willing to change. What held my friend back for years (he's 27 and still hasn't had a single relationship) was his inability to let go of outmoded models of the way the world works. At 21 he still had a 14 year old's view on relationships...how could you build a healthy relationship with your peers that way? What's the solution? Read books, listen to tapes that deal with this subject, talk to people, learn. The best way of course, is to: Be willing to flop, and bounce back up again. In learning to be with people, you will screw up and you will say and do stupid things. Hardly encouraging is it? But everyone does! Be willing to take risks, make mistakes, and learn from them, because they'll make you even more kick-ass in time.

12-03-2006, 07:22 AM	#3 (permalink)
Akashic_Librarian Banned Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: The Darkness / The Never Posts: 1,673	I experience this, Mnnie, all the time at school. Its horrible and I empathize with you...Here is how I cope: First. Meditate daily to conterol the emotions. Second. Focus on the good people you like and who like you - there must be someone - and forget about the other people, you can still unconditionally love them, but you shouldn't tie your ego up into the situation, which is what you are doing. Thirdly. Live and let live. In the words of The Beatles: "Let it be"

12-03-2006, 08:16 AM	#4 (permalink)
Alvin Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Singapore Posts: 433	P.S. Oh, and Minnie, giving unconditional isn't enough, you'll have to know what you want to receive and take back too

12-03-2006, 04:29 PM	#5 (permalink)
Dating Specialist Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Singapore - The Garden City! Posts: 355	Hi Minnie How about loving yourself unconditionally? Love yourself in times when you feel fear and anxiety, and in times when you feel happy and giving? Because when you're filled with so much love for yourself, you will not be attracting anything you don't want into your life. You love yourself too much to allow that to happen!

12-09-2006, 11:43 PM	#6 (permalink)
legend Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 81	Minnie, I've got some good news and some bad news The bad news is you have not given unconditional Love Unconditional Love by definition is given without attachment to how the other acts or reacts. It is not easy we all want to feel connected and want to feel Love in return. The good news is you are aware there is another way This is a gift that puts you ahead of 99% of the people out there The real question is why were you given this gift? The answer is always the same If you are given a certain awareness it is to teach others and share this is not easy but you are strong My dad the SOB that he was gave me some great advice many, many years ago "The world hates a small fool" he went on to say "we are all fools in our own way so son please be the biggest fool in the room" It has served me well so screw what others might or might not think about you being weird and give Love unconditionaly Clearly you know how. I caught a vibe reading your post You are a beautiful person Let the world see that and it will be o.k. Much Love

12-10-2006, 12:31 AM	#7 (permalink)
Isis Kali Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 212	Admitting the problem is the first step One of the first things you can do is to stop judging yourself so harshly! You'll just dig yourself deeper into a hole of low self-esteem. Second of all, know that yes, your past is going to color how you see the present. Your task is to pick which way you'll see those past events. Are you still looking at them and kicking yourself, or saying ouch? If you are, then they'll never heal, and they'll never take the correct place in your life that they should...which is as old problems that are dealt with. If there are serious issues, you need to hie thee to a therapist, stat. Some things need help. Lastly, if you feel that weird and displaced within yourself, meditation is a big help. Good luck!

12-10-2006, 10:06 PM	#10 (permalink)
Isis Kali Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 212	I know...I'm so about to steal that for my sig line!

12-10-2006, 10:58 PM	#11 (permalink)
TechnoGuyRob Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Illinois Posts: 149	There is no such thing as unconditional love (or encouragement). I will give two statements. The first one shows it logically. The second provides an example. (1) Calling love unconditional is a logical fallacy. Obviously, the property of being "unconditional" is a condition (that makes it "unconditional love"). Of course, then by definition, it isn't unconditional (since it requires a condition). (2) Consider "loving" a person. If you would remove an atom by atom, there would eventually be a point where that "person" would not be "loved", perhaps as small as one atom or no atoms. Hence, there does exist a condition. Then by contradiction, this "unconditional love" cannot be unconditional.

Personal Development for Smart PeopleTM Forums

Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums