She's cheating on me!

[drahzar]

Hi am new to this forum and this is my first post (wish it could be better), anyway to the point:

At the moment I am currently engaged and have been for the last 2 years and have recently found out that she is cheating on me...AGAIN!!!

In total I have caught her twice and been told about a 3rd time

The 1st time was over a year ago I was in hospital Febuary of 2007 (nearly died) after I had got out we went out for a few drinks and ended up staying at a friend. Me and my fiance slept in the spare room but when I woke up in the morning she wasn't there? I went down stairs to have a smoke and could here some strange noises coming from his room? Thinking "his girlfriend is away this weekend" I quickly finished my smoke and then nocked on his room door...when I walked in all I saw was her with no trousers on and him with nothing on and all he said was "oh...s**t".After that I just got out that flat as quickly as I could and just walked about for hours not taking any of there calls trying to think about what had just happened...when I did speak to them later all she had to say when I asked why was "It just happened".

I believe in 2nd chances so I gave her another chance...

Then no more than a week later he was over at our's and she had walked him out to the car and I desided I would go for a walk as it was a nice night (you could see the stars ) she then called me asking if I had just walked by and I told her what I was doing.After being away for bout a minute I desided I would go and see if she wanted to come with but when I got to his car and looked in the window there she was with her head in his lap (I think you can all probably guess what she was doing to him) once again when I asked why..."It just happened"

Even before I had caught them the 1st time I had accidently picked up her phone (we both had the same phone at the time) and seen some text and pics that she had sent him...the kind of stuff she should only be sending to me

As I mentioned there is a 3rd time which included him and her but also included his girlfriend as well???His gf must have a consionce as she told me about it all be it about a month after it happened but I had waited a while longer to see if my fiance would tell me...but she never so I Cornered all of them about it and they were forced to tell me. There excuse...it was a drunken mistake...

I dont trust her with him at all...she's always leaving me alone in the house to go see him and am starting to notice its more so when his gf is away...and once again I went through her phone (on purpose this time) and there's pics he's sent her and messages like "I want you so bad" and "I wish you were here right now" there are also other messages that go into great detail about what she wants to do to him and what he wants to do her...she never sent me pics or messages like she sends him

Her best friend (and mine) warned me about her before I started dating her...she's not got a great track record ie she's cheated on ALL of her boyfriends before me...i've spoke to her about whats happenedand I put my hands up and said "Im sorry you were right, I should have listened" she says she's proude of me for admitin I was wrong and thinks I should leave her...problem also I have no where to go Parents dont have the room for me anymore and most of my friend that had flats are now in the forces.

So as you can see im stuck between a rock and a hard place

Any advice would greatly be appreciated

PS sorry about the spelling and the length

[sheffy4]

I can't imagine that you really need "advice" in this situation. I think you just need hear from others that you deserve better. And you do!
You've already said you believe in 2nd chances, which I think is pretty generous. Do you believe in 3rd, 4th, 5th chances too?
I think you know what to do here. Don't be afraid to do what's right for you.

[Perfect Sunday]

Hi,

I write the following with the best intentions, so although it will sound harsh, I wish you the very best.

Ok, I don't blame her for cheating on you.

Dude, you have been engaged for 2 years.

TWO full years.
Over six-hundred days!

My lord... why??

I bet she thinks it will never happen.

I re-read your post and I'm slacked jawed.
She has no respect for you... because you have no respect for you.
Why should she??

As to your girlfriend, it is clear that she could be a very "sexually active" person... and that is fine!
But, truth be told, you are not working out for her in that department.
It is possible that deep down you do not like her that much.

So... you're going to leave her?
And why can't you stay in the same house?
I think I missed something.
Your friends that have flats are in the forces... so... I don't get it.
Why don't you keep on staying in that house?
Is she the owner? Or the one that pays rent?

If she is neither, just break up with her, and get her stuff out of your new room.

Again, I woudn't blame her.
Yet clearly, you and her are not on the same track.

My 0.02

[Jennihul]

If it bothers you, leave her. End of story. If you are a cockold, put up with it.

Jennifer

[Angela]

Am I understanding this problem correctly? You would leave her, but you have no place to go?!?!?!

So you are mooching off this woman?

[drahzar]

Angela: I know it sounds like im "mooching" off her and in a way I guess I am but at the same time im trying to save our relationship as I do love her with all my heart.

Perfect Sunday: She is a very "sexually active" pearson she says she couldnt live without her sex she "enjoy's it to much". I will admit that while I was in hospital I was affected in the southern regon, and found my stamana had droped drematicly. I've spoken with a specialist and he says there is some damage and am now waiting for a date for an operation to fix this damage.

As for the living situation we live with her mother as she could not cope with the bills on her own so we offered to move in and help. and because my friend are in the forces (Army, Air force, Navy) they are now stationed all over the world. and no longer have there flats near me for me to share...if that makes sence?

Jennihul: Its easyer said than done...i've spent 2 years engaged to her and then 3 years with her before that...I dont want it to go to waste if I can help it...

[Jennihul]

What would you do if you had a place to go to and money was no object?

People make such self-destructive choices.

She must be hot.

Jennifer

[DayInTheLife]

Originally Posted by drahzar

Angela: I know it sounds like im "mooching" off her and in a way I guess I am but at the same time im trying to save our relationship as I do love her with all my heart.

Get your head on straight. This relationship is over.

Move the hell out, take responsibility for your finances and your life and begin to build some self-respect.

[freddy]

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ next

[kingabubakr]

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahaa


dayinthelife what a funny comment...



hehehee.

[abotha]

I feel for you! Get out! Don't look back, she doesn't deserve you. A leopard will never change his spots. Good luck.

[Blueguy]

Drahzar, I think you have to be true to yourself and admit that this is not right, I know they say love is all you need but if someone truly loves you they would never cheat on you, they wouldn't even put themselves in a position where they are more likely to cheat.

It's like they say, actions speak louder than words, and her actions tell you that her needs are more important than the overall relationship with you and her, if her needs are that more important, then it means that she is very selfish and uncaring to your emotional well being.

To sum up what I am saying.... You need to do what steve says and avoid negative people in your life because you can't possibly be happy wondering what she is doing when she isn't with you.

So here's what you do.

Step 1. Break off the engagement.

Step 2. If you live with her, move out asap.

Step 3. Try and break off the relationship, she might try the whole "I'll change" bit or whatever but she has already had enough chances and you know she isn't going to change any time soon.

Step 4. Do not let her contact you, meaning... Make it impossible or extremely hard for her to reach you. Out of sight out of mind works wonders. With her out of the picture, you are free to grow, learn, and enjoy life more.

Step 5. Do the same with your "friend" , what kind of friend sleeps with his friends girlfriend? That's more than a good enough reason to end a friendship.


Conclusion: Actions speak louder than words and these people have wronged you a great deal and have stripped you have your dignity. Do yourself a favor and start rebuilding your self esteem by getting away from these people.

Good luck!

[robc]

Originally Posted by Perfect Sunday

Hi,

I write the following with the best intentions, so although it will sound harsh, I wish you the very best.

Ok, I don't blame her for cheating on you.

Dude, you have been engaged for 2 years.

TWO full years.
Over six-hundred days!

My lord... why??

I bet she thinks it will never happen.

I re-read your post and I'm slacked jawed.
She has no respect for you... because you have no respect for you.
Why should she??

As to your girlfriend, it is clear that she could be a very "sexually active" person... and that is fine!
But, truth be told, you are not working out for her in that department.
It is possible that deep down you do not like her that much.

So... you're going to leave her?
And why can't you stay in the same house?
I think I missed something.
Your friends that have flats are in the forces... so... I don't get it.
Why don't you keep on staying in that house?
Is she the owner? Or the one that pays rent?

If she is neither, just break up with her, and get her stuff out of your new room.

Again, I woudn't blame her.
Yet clearly, you and her are not on the same track.

My 0.02

To date they've been engaged for 2 years, she cheated on him first in Feb 2007 which would mean they were engaged maybe for a year at that point.
Do you really think a cheating partner has justification for their action because they aren't married yet? That's as low as you can go.

If you are mature and I'm assuming you are mature if you want to get married, accept an engagement ring which means that you've accepted the proposal and want to get married and then cheat on your fiance, how is that his fault?

We are all responsible for our own actions. When we do something to hurt our partner, specifically cheating on them as in this example, the only person at fault is the person who is sleeping around. You always have the choice to return the engagement ring, break off the engagement and go your separate way. That would be the mature & adult thing to do. Remaining engaged and cheating on your partner is an immature & destructive thing to do and a total relationship killer.

Don't blame your actions on what someone else has done or not done. You did what you did and you are responsible for that action. Blaming the cheating because they haven't been married yet after 2 years of engagement (and technically maybe only 1 year when she first cheated on him) is just brainless.

Perfect Sunday, What planet do you live on where you can justify your crap behavior like cheating because your partner hasn't married you yet? I thought I heard everything until I read your post. Unreal!!!

[Perfect Sunday]

All the best love in the world to you "robc".

With that, here's my reply::

Originally Posted by robc

To date they've been engaged for 2 years, she cheated on him first in Feb 2007 which would mean they were engaged maybe for a year at that point.

Lost me in the math.
What's your point with it?

Originally Posted by robc

Do you really think a cheating partner has justification for their action because they aren't married yet?

Nope.

Originally Posted by robc

That's as low as you can go.

I assure you, we can go much lower.

Originally Posted by robc

If you are mature and I'm assuming you are mature if you want to get married, accept an engagement ring which means that you've accepted the proposal and want to get married and then cheat on your fiance, how is that his fault?

This is going to be a fun one...

Originally Posted by robc

If you are mature

Big if.

Originally Posted by robc

I'm assuming you are mature if you want to get married,

Assumption is the mother of all fSckups.

So, tell me... you are NOT mature, nor can you BE mature, if you do not "want to get married"?

How would you define "mature"?
Wanting to get married?

So, by the same token, if I go out there, get married, I'm mature.
So I get divorced, and married again, I'm mature-plus-two?
Three wifes, triple the maturity?!?!?!!!

I don't think that's what God had in mind...

Originally Posted by robc

If you are mature and I'm assuming you are mature if you want to get married, accept an engagement ring which means that you've accepted the proposal and want to get married and then cheat on your fiance, how is that his fault?

For the life of me, I can't make sense of your paragraph.

The lack of comas, punctuations, and a coherent thought-pattern hurts my eyes.

No, really. I do not understand.
Married... engagement ring... maturity... married... WTF?

I have read it like 38 times, and:::

I think --> that YOU think --> that *I* think, that it's drahzar's fault.
I did not state that.
I said that I did not blame her.

Originally Posted by robc

how is that his fault?

I dunno.

Originally Posted by robc

We are all responsible for our own actions.

Agreed.
('cept small puppies)

Originally Posted by robc

When we do something to hurt our partner, specifically cheating on them as in this example, the only person at fault is the person who is sleeping around.

There's a quote from The 7 Habits that changed my life:
It isn't what happens to you that hurts you, it's how you react to what happens to you that hurts you.

In recollection, I do believe now that drahzar IS at fault, in part.
He has "agreed" to accept this behaviour from her.

Originally Posted by robc

You always have the choice to return the engagement ring, break off the engagement and go your separate way.

A-HA!!!

So you *DO* understand!!!
It's a CHOICE!
You ALWAYS HAVE THE CHOICE!!!

Originally Posted by robc

That would be the mature & adult thing to do.

Not everybody is "mature".
Not everybody is "adult".

Originally Posted by robc

Remaining engaged and cheating on your partner is an immature & destructive thing to do and a total relationship killer.

What about:
Remaining engaged, and getting cheated on by your partner, is an immature & destructive thing to do, and a total relationship killer.

Originally Posted by robc

Don't blame your actions on what someone else has done or not done. You did what you did and you are responsible for that action. Blaming the cheating because they haven't been married yet after 2 years of engagement (and technically maybe only 1 year when she first cheated on him) is just brainless.

Something tells me this is striking a personal chord with you...
Were you engaged? Married? 2 years? Got cheated on?

Originally Posted by robc

Perfect Sunday, What planet do you live on

Why, this isn't Quanta13 ?!
I'll be damned....

Originally Posted by robc

Perfect Sunday, What planet do you live on where you can justify your crap behavior like cheating because your partner hasn't married you yet?

"justify".

Do you think you can "justify" anything in this life?
The Doors of Perception.

Originally Posted by robc

I thought I heard everything until I read your post. Unreal!!!

Welcome to the internet.
Buckle up... it's gonna get bumpy.

PS: Thank you for spelling my name in both capital letters.

[robc]

Punctuation & spelling aren't really requirements in on-line forums.

I have never cheated or have been cheated on in my relationship, thank you for asking. I appreciate your interest & concern.

If that's your style go with it, I think my stuff is easy enough to read.
I think you understood everything I had to say pretty easily.

As for your name, copy & paste worked well for me, so don't give me all the credit.

Getting back to the topic at hand...

I'll give you a point for that maturity argument of yours, it would be nice to assume that adults are mature, I guess that is a poor assumption.

I'll agree with you, it did strike a "personal chord" with me concerning situations with friends. I have seen 2 marriages where one of the partners cheated and it led to ugly divorces, one of these couples had 3 kids, the other had 2. All young, all very much hurt by this action. The spouses that were cheated on were very hurt, betrayed, angry and are in a situation in their lives where they feel that they've wasted a major portion of their lives and have to start new again which is not very easy when they've invested so much time in their marriage.

Thankfully there are no kids in this situation.

However in your original post, you said that it was because he hadn't married her after engaging her and this is why she probably ended up cheating on him. Since you called me on my assumption, I'll call you on your assumption.

Is that how it works? Get engaged but don't follow through with the actual marriage so cheating is fair game?

Cheating is never a fair option, that's why it's called cheating. Your post makes it sound like a viable option and it never is.

However since your post made it sound like your defending cheating, why don't you explain to us why cheating is fair and how it can be used to enhance a relationship and bring 2 people closer together?

When you make it back to earth, and have a minute, reply back.

[Alison Jenkins]

Do you think the cheating has been as a result of the accident and sexual issues? This doesn't excuse the cheating but it may explain why if she is has a very high sex drive or even sexual addiction

Alison

[Perfect Sunday]

Originally Posted by robc

I'll agree with you, it did strike a "personal chord" with me concerning situations with friends. I have seen 2 marriages where one of the partners cheated and it led to ugly divorces, one of these couples had 3 kids, the other had 2. All young, all very much hurt by this action. The spouses that were cheated on were very hurt, betrayed, angry and are in a situation in their lives where they feel that they've wasted a major portion of their lives and have to start new again which is not very easy when they've invested so much time in their marriage.

It's sad to hear that.

Originally Posted by robc

However in your original post, you said that it was because he hadn't married her after engaging her and this is why she probably ended up cheating on him. Since you called me on my assumption, I'll call you on your assumption.

Is that how it works? Get engaged but don't follow through with the actual marriage so cheating is fair game?

I'm not going to try to untangle what you think you understood, from the tanglement that I think I expressed.
So I'll try and express it again, different this time.

drazhar got engaged with her, and she cheated on him.
Then he kept on being engaged to her.

HELL YES IT'S HIS FAULT.

Right then and there he had to stop accepting that into his life.
Because he accepted it, it continued.

Originally Posted by robc

Is that how it works? Get engaged but don't follow through with the actual marriage so cheating is fair game?

I dunno man.
You have to figure out that one for us.

Originally Posted by robc

Cheating is never a fair option, that's why it's called cheating. Your post makes it sound like a viable option and it never is.

I believe everything in the universe is "fair".

My post making it sound like a viable option?
I said

Originally Posted by Perfect Sunday

If she is neither, just break up with her, and get her stuff out of your new room.

What do you want? To tell him to stuff Listerine inside her eye drops bottles?

Originally Posted by robc

However since your post made it sound like your defending cheating, why don't you explain to us why cheating is fair and how it can be used to enhance a relationship and bring 2 people closer together?

Don't be silly.

Originally Posted by robc

When you make it back to earth, and have a minute, reply back.

Thanks for the kind words.

I think I've stated my point here.
Let me know anything else.

Thanks for keeping the discussion civil.

Best wishes to you robc!

[robc]

- after reading your responses, I notice that you do have a comedic side to you....

I might tolerate you as a friend at one point LOL

- Have a nice weekend, maybe even a perfect sunday if the mood strikes you.

[drahzar]

I thank you all for your responces

the only reason we have been engaged for this long and havnt got married is that she wants to make sure she has her carrer sorted out 1st. She work's in a filling station just now but is working on becoming a class room helper as she done it for a while when she was in school.

I can understand waiting till her carrer is sorted 1st as I'm doing the same, make sure we can support ourself's before we do anything major.

we have been ok recently she's not been spending as much time with this guy and if she has she's been inviting me along as well now.

I can understand her needing some time to herself, she cant be with me 24-7 otherwise we would be at each other all the time, and I think she's realised that she cant keep going off without me all the time.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by drahzar

...I think she's realised that she cant keep going off without me all the time.

Drahzar, I think she has realized just the opposite.

You have trained her that you will stay engaged to her, no matter how many times she has sex with other men. You have established that pattern in your relationship.

If you have a conditional agreement in your relationship, like you agree to sleep only with each other, then it's your responsibility to be a stand for the integrity of that agreement, and to take the right action for yourself. It's no one's fault -- blame and shame are low-consciousness concepts, in my view -- but it is your responsibility. Has she apologized for breaking her word, or made a commitment to keep her promise going forward? Have you examined who you were both being that she felt she needed to break her word to you, and that you felt you needed to react the way you have? Or are you just going along and keeping along, hoping that everything works out for the best?

When you go along and keep along (GAKA), odds are that you are walking straight into a future filled with more of the same.

[Tuumble]

Angela has it spot on I'd say.

The danger is with someone setting a precedent and then establishing a pattern. If someone gets away with something once they can either learn their lesson or do it again. If they don't change after the first occasion it's a pretty sure bet that you'll have this scenario multiple times.

It's up to you whether you accept that or get out.

[Ninja]

Get out now. I believe in second chances as well, but not in third ones. If she cared as much about your relation as you do, she would never have cheated on you in the first place... let alone mess up the second chance you generously gave her! You deserve better that just being someone's plaything. Honestly, if I had a boyfriend and he pulled a stunt like that, his ass would be on the street faster than he could say "it just happened."

Sex does not "just happen", and pants do not magically come off. Oh, if only they did...

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Tuumble

It's up to you whether you accept that or get out.

.... or, interrupt the pattern.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

.... or, interrupt the pattern.

Howso?*




*inquiring minds want to know...

[Angela]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Howso?*
*inquiring minds want to know...

There are infinite ways -- that's part of the beauty of the creative expression of being alive.

It's also a good place to practice the recently-come-up concept that your beliefs don't need you to own them. One of the beliefs we hold on very tightly to is that if someone has sex outside the relationship, it's "cheating" and that is very, very, very bad. Some people think you deserve to be killed if you do it. Or ostracized from society, or humiliated. What might happen if we were to practice letting go of that word, cheating, and use a more empowering word (empowering for ourselves, I mean, not for the "cheater", although it might end up being empowering for herm, too)? What might be possible if we tried on a point of view in which we celebrate our partner for making the right choices for hermself, without judging herm?

It's hard, huh? Because the idea of "cheating = very, very bad" has been so deeply ingrained in us. You might be thinking, "Angela, you are insane. Cheating IS bad! Objectively and inarguably BAD." And that is a perspective. Look how well it works for you in your relationships. If your partner "cheats" your happiness, your well-being, your satisfaction and fulfillment -- let's face it -- your WILL TO LIVE is compromised. How well is that working for us?

I'm not saying we should condone it when someone breaks their word. But I am saying: what could I generate if I let go of making my partner wrong, labeling them as bad, feeling victimized by their actions? What could we create together if I grant her her own beingness -- exactly as she is and exactly as she isn't? Well, peace, maybe. Love and freedom, I reckon. Acceptance for myself could be available as a result of granting it to others.

You know, the real question is:

What am I committed to creating here in this relationship?

Which is a very different question from "What do I want in this relationship?"

You want to interrupt the pattern, a great place to start is with who you are being.

[Rafael Perez]

I will be blunt here, but this is my truth.

You like the drama, you are keeping yourself there and making exuses on why you can't leave. You chose to stay, you chose the relationship, you chose to be engaged to her, you chose to make yourself a victim.

This is your reality, this is the eggshell you have created around you and you think that this is the best you can do... It all stems from the fear that you are just not good enough...

This is my truth about what I have read, doesn't make it true, but consider thinking about what I have said and not automatically pulling a defensive card. I have no agenda against you, quite the opposite.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

What might happen if we were to practice letting go of that word, cheating, and use a more empowering word ? What might be possible if we tried on a point of view in which we celebrate our partner for making the right choices for hermself, without judging herm?

Thank you for that whole post. What do you think a more empowering word would be to replace "cheating?" How do you take on a new pov (when the old one is really ingrained like you said)?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Thank you for that whole post. What do you think a more empowering word would be to replace "cheating?" How do you take on a new pov (when the old one is really ingrained like you said)?

We talked about shifting pov's in the spinning ballerina thread. You boldly look, and you let go, and you boldly look some more, and you let go some more.

One thing I always find useful is to articulate the current way of being, or point of view, and ask myself what it's costing me to believe my habitual thought, and what my believing that thought is costing others. With "cheating," it's pretty easy to see that it costs us a lot, isn't it? When you're really present to the price you've been charging yourself and others, a more inspiring way of being (or point of view) tends to rise up, if you boldly look, and you let go.

So, how much do you love your partner? Do you love herm enough to want herm to make the right choices for hermself? Do you want to generate freedom and love for herm? Do you want your relationship to be as conscious as possible, beyond what most people are willing to settle for? If yes, then what point of view would be the most loving and conscious one to take when your partner expresses sexual love for a person other than yourself? What belief would you be willing to try on that would have you loving your life regardless of who puts what where? How would you articulate that point of view for yourself?

For me, when I went through this, the way of being that inspired me was: Being Free. Amazingly, the freedom that I saw possible was only secondarily for him. First and foremost, adopting this perspective was all about ME being free. Funny, huh?

[ideagasms]

The very minimum requirement for a relationship is INTEGRITY.

This chick ain't there yet.

Note that your giving third (or more) chances stems from your narcissistic desire to protect your inflated self-image, and therefore mind-control her into loving you. (e.g., "who the heck is SHE to not love ME?!? I'll make her see how VALUABLE I am if it's the last thing I do!" This of course stems from inadequacy. Pride/Inadequacy are merely two sides of the same coin, you see.

The above is just ONE of many aspects involved when we attract cheaters. I merely mention it because it's the one aspect most people fail to see. Also interesting to note is that you are most likely also addicted to porn. (I've been doing this for a very long time)

Blessings,
Stephane

PS - the fear this could happen again, as well as the intense pain ONLY goes away when you feel you have nearly "mastered" all facets of human relationships (pickup, dating, sex, relationship-with-self, and so on.)

[Tuumble]

Originally Posted by Angela

.... or, interrupt the pattern.

I suggested 'accept' or 'get out' which I think says for itself what I think the best course of action should be. No-one should have the threat of heartache hanging over them indefinitely.

Angela is right in that you should look to break the pattern if you really want to be with this person. The situation is far more complex than having just two options as my response intimated. However, you can personally only do so much. You are also relying on someone else changing - your fiance - and your personal power to do that is not guaranteed and limited at best.

Whatever path you take I wish you all the best.