conversations, why cant i hold them?

[jamie1984]

Hi, this is my first thread here asking for advice. here goes..
basically im a pretty confident person and it really grinds my gears that sometimes i seem to really struggle to find anything to talk about with people.
This is quite a general thing, Take tonight for example... I was out for a couple of drinks with friends from college and apart from talking about our lesson I really couldnt find much to talk about with any of them.
I suppose what annoys me the most is that i consider myself pretty intelligent, im confident and there are things that i like and have an opinion on..i just seem to get into a scenario whereby my mind is blank and theres an odd moment where we're both looking around.
So, I dont know what exactly is holding me back...i must admit i do feel a little bit insecure in myself as to whether people find me dull or interesting and i suppose im adding more pressure onto myself, maybe someone has experienced the same, maybe theyve found a way to become masters of conversation..all i know is that im out tomorrow night pubbing and clubbing and for the small amount of time i will be conversing inbetween venues id like to hold the conversation and be interesting!

enlighten me!

j

[jester01]

Hi Jamie,
Your posting seems to be articulate,so you come across as an intelligent guy.The art of conversation is about bringing up a subject for discussion that interests the people you happen to be with at that time.So if your with a bunch of your mates,have a quick think about what they are into.Sport or current affairs can usually get you started.Nightclubs are difficult places to have a conversation.Usually one on one is easier.A good technique when your one on one is to work through different subjects to see what interests the person your talking to.Try to remember to be a good conversationist, the ability to listen is more important than talking.
I hope this is helpfull

[fwellers]

What you describe sounds familiar to me. I often find it a strain to make conversation when in social situations. It's easier for me to be alone with ( or without ) my thoughts than to force talk with another.
The pressure of feeling that you must talk, in order to be liked, or to avoid the appearance of awkwardness, definitely doesn't help.

I'll offer two pieces of advice that you may already know.
1) Accept the situation you find yourself in. If that situation means silence, then so be it. It takes 2 to tango. If conversation is not flowing, it means nothing. Just accept it. the moment you do accept it, converation will probably come, or some other thing will take your awareness off of your discomfort.
2) Be interested in the other person. Very often when I feel like you describe, ( awkward or a need to make conversation ), and the talk doesn't flow easily with another, I just force myself to ask questions, and create an interest in the other. People love to talk about themselves. You can keep a conversation going forever if you are interested in learning about the other person.

ps.
1/2 of any conversation is listening. A good quote about listening that I love, is:
Genuine listening means suspending memory, desire, and judgment - and, for a moment at least, existing for the other person. -- Michael P. Nichols

Thanks for listening. :-))

Floyd

[sheffy4]

Ways to start conversation:

ASK QUESTIONS

Deep questions, superficial questions, any kind of questions.

[LifeFirst]

How did the conversation go?


Post it word for word how it went and we'll know where it went wrong.

[Sly Apple Pie]

A good general piece of advice that I tend to follow for conversation is that rather than trying to think about you're going to say next, try to think about what you're going to ask next.

[Rockchick26]

The problem I have with asking questions is i start to feel nosy,like maybe they don't want somebody prying into their life without them willingly offering the information. It also seems desperate and clingy to me,to just sit and barrage this person with questions when you barely know them,like the only thing on your mind is THIS PERSON and there isnt even a you anymore. I think that you have to have a feeling of "go with the flow" when conversing with new people. It's much more free feeling,and casual,and loose. Not so much like a job interview then. I've ALWAYS felt this way when having awkward first meetings with people,like it was just a job interview. My advice is to talk about whatever you're thinking about,and kinda dwell on one subject for as long as you can,but be free with it,kinda like joke around within the subject. Some of the best conversations i've had weren't even about a subject,just casual funny comments back and forth,goofy and random. It feels too forced if you have to come up with question and answer based conversation.

[Ak47]

Originally Posted by sheffy4

Ways to start conversation:

ASK QUESTIONS

Deep questions, superficial questions, any kind of questions.

Yes, ask questions, and listen. People like it when others express interest in them, whether it's an inquiry or just someone listening to them.

Asking questions isn't so hard, start with something broad and try to build questions off of their reply if you can. If you can't, ask a different question.

When you listen, listen intently. Give eye contact from time to time (more or less depending on whether it seems they're comfortable with it), nod your head. Try not to interrupt them, but give your comments or your aknowledgements when you feel the time is right; especially if it supports what they're saying. Wait until they are done talking before you give your personal opinions, but try not to express "i'm right, your wrong." Nobody likes to be told they're wrong, even if it's indirectly.

Confidence could also be an issue. Just the same with not telling them their opinions are wrong, or trying to make your own opinions look awesome (a lot of time people do this unconsciously or unintentionally). .. People don't like to feel inferior whether they really are or not. People tend to be competitive in everything (esp in the us), so if you treat them like they're a somebody, or even as if they're your equal... they'll notice it rightaway and remember it because it's a very special, and powerful quality to have; people like it. You give respect, you get respect.

[Ak47]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

The problem I have with asking questions is i start to feel nosy,like maybe they don't want somebody prying into their life without them willingly offering the information. It also seems desperate and clingy to me,to just sit and barrage this person with questions when you barely know them,like the only thing on your mind is THIS PERSON and there isnt even a you anymore. I think that you have to have a feeling of "go with the flow" when conversing with new people. It's much more free feeling,and casual,and loose. Not so much like a job interview then. I've ALWAYS felt this way when having awkward first meetings with people,like it was just a job interview. My advice is to talk about whatever you're thinking about,and kinda dwell on one subject for as long as you can,but be free with it,kinda like joke around within the subject. Some of the best conversations i've had weren't even about a subject,just casual funny comments back and forth,goofy and random. It feels too forced if you have to come up with question and answer based conversation.

Sure, but we're talking about someone who is uncomfortable and/or is not used to loose, flowing conversations; very common when meeting new people.

Asking questions works because most people will ask you questions back. Also replies give you opportunities to make comments (hopefully supportive), and get into a topic outside of "that person." For instance, "what kind of music do you like?" "i like eric clapton" "oh, do you like tears in heaven?" "yes, i love it" "did you know it's a song about..., isn't that sad?" etc etc...

Asking questions ABOUT the person is just the starting point. That is how you find out what they're interested in, so you know what they would enjoy talking about. Also.. this is the reason open ended questions are best to start with, something i forgot to mention.

[Erebos]

Looking at the people I know, those who can strike up conversations are usually knowledgeable in a wide variety of subjects. No, they're not experts, but they've heard a little bit of everything, enough to discuss it. It's as simple as taking the effort to learn something from your every day life. Catch up on current events, which are usually good conversation topics since most people had heard of it and have an opinion on it, or would like to hear about it. Read books that you can discuss. Watch TV. Listen to a new album. Most people watch the news, read, watch television and listen to music, so those are good topics to connect with.

That being said, you need to find commonalities. Ask non-intrusive questions to find out something that you have in common, then talk about it. As a student, the one commonality is school, of course. And as you probably know, we talk about it so often that it gets to be so scripted. "So what courses are you taking? How are you doing in sociology? What time do you have math? How did your history test go?" It gets really boring, really quick, and people don't want to dwell on it too long during casual conversation. Find some other thing that both of your can talk about.

I also find it that conversations work better and are much less awkward with three people.

[SmartAlx]

I have the same problem Jamie.

And with all due respect to the esteemed participants in this thread, so far I'm finding a lot of good advice, but still not any real answers to our problem. "Ask questions" seems to be the global recommendation, but you see, that is precisely what Jamie and I are having trouble with. Our minds go blank and we can't even find any questions to ASK!

And for me, it's not really an issue of insecurity or confidence. If I am insecure, I am insecure BECAUSE I can't think of anything to say or ask. I used to think that I was shy, but I recently realized that I really am not afraid to talk to people, I just don't know what to say. When I do have something to say, no matter who they are or where we are, if it's appropriate I'll say it.

I will say that occasionally I do find myself in a state where I am very talkative and the conversation just flows, so I know that I have it within me. I'm sure Jamie has these moments too. And it's not always because the person we are talking with is driving the conversation or we are comfortable with each other, although that does certainly help. The best is when my mind actually shifts gears and I get talkative. (I get extremely talkative when I am waaay sleepy and all hopped up on caffeine. Used to happen a lot in college.)

So one question might be, how do we get into this state of mind that just exudes conversation?

Here's another question for the group: When we aren't in this talkative state of mind, what SPECIFIC questions can people like Jamie and me ask in any situation that will prompt a good give and take conversation? Give me 10 good questions to memorize and maybe I'll never have an awkward silence with a new friend again.

[SmartAlx]

Originally Posted by fwellers

1) Accept the situation you find yourself in. If that situation means silence, then so be it. It takes 2 to tango. If conversation is not flowing, it means nothing. Just accept it. the moment you do accept it, converation will probably come, or some other thing will take your awareness off of your discomfort.

Floyd, If we don't have anything to say, then we have no choice but to accept the situation we are in, so this happens to me all the time. Trust me, accepting the silence is a good way to get a good view of someone's backside as they walk away from the boring wallflower. The conversation never comes for me after I "accept it." And comfortable silences only really happen for couples who just "feel good" in each other's presence.


I thought of a couple or 3 more tips for Jamie and people like us.

#1 Observe & comment/ask. Watch what's going on around you and comment on it. Here's a fun example. Say you are waiting in the car or a bus stop or anywhere with a friend, date, or even a stranger. You notice someone going in to the drug store. Ask the person you are with, "what do you suppose they are going to buy in the drug store?" This could prompt all sort of creative and fun responses. You can almost make a game of it, and it could potentially give you some insight into what kind of person you are with. You can modify this to just about any situation where you see other people. How about this. If you are sitting down at dinner or a coffee shop or something and you find yourself in an uncomfortable silence, look around for the couple at a different table who looks the most interesting. Then ask your friend(s) what they think the interesting couple is talking about.

#2 Compliment the person. Look for things to compliment like jewelry, perfume, new hairdo, outfit. Then ask them about whatever it is that you complimented.

#3 Tell a story. Some of the people that I find who are the best at conversations love to tell good stories about their lives. The most successful usually live interesting lives so the more crazy/screwed up your life is, the better stories you will probably have to tell. But no matter how lame and boring your life is, everybody has at least one incredible story to tell.

[fwellers]

Hey Alx,
You sound like you are able to think on your feet, articulate your thoughts, empathize with others etc... I don't see anything lacking.
Could be that the people you have trouble talking to, are those with whom you just don't have an easy rapport.

Not everybody has rapport with each other. It's probably the exception to find a person who has rapport with most everyone. Those are the people you will probably find thriving in politics or sales etc....

I am starting to find out that it's actually OK to not talk. In taking in the whole situation, a realization happens that it's not just me who isn't talking, it's the other person too. And we both know that we're not talking to each other. If I 'accept' the situation totally, then I am more at ease with it. I think that would put the other person more at ease too.

Silence is not a negative thing.

If this doesn't help at all, maybe you can provide some kind of example where you are in a situation where you think you should be talking but are unable to.

[SmartAlx]

Originally Posted by fwellers

Hey Alx,
You sound like you are able to think on your feet, articulate your thoughts, empathize with others etc... I don't see anything lacking.

Thank you for the compliments. Oh I'm great at writing a conversation, but not so much in person. LOL

Could be that the people you have trouble talking to, are those with whom you just don't have an easy rapport.

Sometimes, but honestly I think it's just a coincidence. I don't think that rapport causes it because the situation with people with whom I don't have rapport is consistent with the situation with people I do have rapport.

Not everybody has rapport with each other. It's probably the exception to find a person who has rapport with most everyone. Those are the people you will probably find thriving in politics or sales etc....

Yeah, I am good friends with two twins who are like this. I have very good rapport with them. (Although they do piss me off when they walk all over me.) Well, they have good rapport with everybody. They are natural leaders They usually drive the conversation, but occasionally they get tired and then we just sit in silence because I don't know what to say.

I am starting to find out that it's actually OK to not talk. In taking in the whole situation, a realization happens that it's not just me who isn't talking, it's the other person too. And we both know that we're not talking to each other. If I 'accept' the situation totally, then I am more at ease with it. I think that would put the other person more at ease too.

I respectfully disagree. Most often the people I find in situations like this are used to constantly being in conversations. Even if I feel comfortable, they don't. And sure "it's their problem, not mine..." but really, it's not just their problem. It's my problem too, because, well, I don't want to be comfortably silent all by myself. Going to the movies alone sucks. Eating in a restaurant alone sucks. Sitting alone in a crowded dance club sucks. If I'm with someone that doesn't know how to drive a conversation, then if I don't take the lead, they will walk away and go to someone else who can lead a conversation. Sure I could have the attitude of "it's their loss", but it isn't their loss. They are off talking to other people while I'm sitting all alone. And this is especially problematic if they are someone I really want to get to know.

Silence is not a negative thing.

Not always, but if there's competition for conversation, it is.

If this doesn't help at all, maybe you can provide some kind of example where you are in a situation where you think you should be talking but are unable to.

It's not really a problem if we are say driving together on a long trip. The problem really rears its head when there is competition, say in a club or the dance studio. I dance salsa. And I help teach it too, so I meet a lot of girls. I might know the girls intimately on the dance floor, but I might not even know their name. Of course I ask, but I can't remember their names. Remembering names is a problem for me. We'll save that topic for another time.

Anyway, Occasionally I find myself sitting next to a girl I dance with in a quiet part of the club. We have a sort of friendly relationship established already. We've been dancing for months but I don't know anything about her. And I don't want to piss her off because I enjoy dancing with her and I wouldn't mind being friends. What makes it worse is there are so many of them that I don't remember if I've asked this one about her life before. Did she tell me that she is a nurse or teacher before? Did we talk about her family already? It's terrible to repeat a conversation. If she remembers, then me not remembering completely devalues her and is bound to make me come off as self-centered. So I usually just steer clear of those kinds of conversations unless they are complete strangers. So what else can we talk about? Sure we always can talk about dancing, but... we always talk about dancing. There is more to life than dancing. All of the other guys talk to the girls about all kinds of other things. I don't know what they are talking about because I'm never in the conversations and I can't get into them, but I know they talk about everything but dancing. So after sitting next to this girl in silence for 2 minutes, she inevitably runs off to the more talkative people. Did I piss her off because of my sucky conversational skills? I'm convinced that I've lost more than one eager dance partner this way.

[The Cloud]

You may simply be trying too hard. What is so scary about silence that you must always fill it up with noise, no matter how meaningless, just to prove that you can?

[drummbellina]

The asking questions thing is good but remember to offer a bit of yourself too. Otherwise it ends up like an interveiw.


I have struggled with this myself, those awkward silences are horrible. But if you observe other people talking you learn from them. A friend of mine just randomly starts talking about something she's been up to recently so I do that sometimes. Or you can talk about what a mutual friend's been up to. Ask if they watched an interesting program you saw and discuss.


A really good tip I learned from my partner is to read a paper every day - then you always have something to talk about.

[SmartAlx]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

You may simply be trying too hard. What is so scary about silence that you must always fill it up with noise, no matter how meaningless, just to prove that you can?

I think I can answer your question by quoting myself:

I don't want to be comfortably silent all by myself. Going to the movies alone sucks. Eating in a restaurant alone sucks. Sitting alone in a crowded dance club sucks. If I'm with someone that doesn't know how to drive a conversation, then if I don't take the lead, they will walk away and go to someone else who can lead a conversation. Sure I could have the attitude of "it's their loss", but it isn't their loss. They are off talking to other people while I'm sitting all alone. And this is especially problematic if they are someone I really want to get to know.

And I'm not trying hard at all. I do just sit there in silence usually and watch the other dancers because that's all I know to do. How can I try any less hard? I need to try MORE hard, not less.

[Faye]

i think that SmartAlx has very good advice about how to ask questions in a situation with a stranger. i am not a very talkative person, but i do find people to be interesting and rewarding to focus on. i almost always use the advice under number 1 -- observe surroundings and comment/ask. for me, impersonal and fun is the way to go for strangers and new acquaintances. there is almost always something humorous in the area to remark on, and even if the laughing doesn't cause open conversation (because the other person doesn't take the bait, so to speak, beyond chuckling a bit), it will have a good feeling. all it takes is a tiny amount of creativity to fill in the blanks.

as i am deeply concerned with not making a person uncomfortable by asking them personal questions, i only do that if the other person 'opens the door'. if your smile is warm enough and you are a good enough listener, you'll almost always find people who are ready to spill their guts. once someone really starts talking, you pretty much know if you am going to pursue further conversation beyond simple politeness.

sometimes you encounter someone who talks a lot and says nothing -- or the talker is just overwhelmingly negative, and therefore it's hard to find a question to ask. sometimes i just say 'oooh, that's too bad... ' and they end up moving on. i used to think that this made me a bad conversationalist, but i finally allowed myself to realize that i just wasn't particularly interested or comfortable with that.

also, i find that formalities are generally meaningless until you really get to know someone -- but they aren't useless. i find that the how-are-you's and hello's and the weather-sure-is-nice usually is just a glorified 'hello, hello, hello' of someone who is just as clueless as the next person. boring, maybe, but take it for what it is. when i am riding my bike around the island, i also smile and say hi to everyone that i pass -- dog-walkers, fishermen, walkers, other bikers, guy raking his yard. even that is a kind of formality, kind of like opening my own door to being acknowledged so that others know that i'm not closed off. it's a signal, and other people send signals.

basically, once i am involved in interacting with someone, i try to determine their comfort level based on how much they're saying, what they's saying, their expression/body language -- and use that to determine where to go and how carefully/considerately i will go there because i think everyone deserves to be treated with care. if they are open and talkative, i will accept their prompts and ask questions off of what they're saying. that's pretty easy, i think. .. if they're not open, i'll continue using Smart Alx's number one idea to create comfort through humour until a door opens. a consider a door to be a revelation of personal information or deeper insight, no matter how small. i try to sieze that opportunity whenever it presents itself.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

I need to try MORE hard, not less.

So far you've been trying more hard, and it's not working. You said that there are times that you can be a perfectly good conversationalist. These times probably come at moments when your mind is too tired, or too engaged, or too overworked to worry about whether or not you're going to be able to keep up your end of the conversation. It is precisely when you aren't thinking about how the conversation is going and how you could make it better and what is making it worse that you are likely having the best conversations.

That is what I mean by trying too hard; constantly judging yourself and berating yourself for not being good enough to hold a conversation. This type of thinking, as much as you want it to be useful, does absolutely nothing to help you. It just takes you away from the conversation. If you stop worrying about it, you have all the right ingredients to make a great conversation, and when the timing is right you will. However, this will not be all the time. Anybody who can hold a conversation anywhere at any time with anyone is likely to be full of BS. If you want to be a genuine person, there will be times when you have nothing to say to the people around you.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by SmartAlx

Give me 10 good questions to memorize and maybe I'll never have an awkward silence with a new friend again.

1. What are you most passionate or focused about right now?

2. What are you doing to look so vital/fit/happy?

3. If money were no object, where would you want to be right now? What would you be doing there?

4. What's your best line (to use on the opposite sex)?

5. What's the best line someone ever used on you? what's the worst?

6. Do you think one person can make a difference?

7. What is your special, unique talent -- the thing you are best at and love doing the most?

8. Did King Kong eat all those native girl sacrifices? Did he fall in love with them, or just with the blonde who was his downfall?

9. What one quality or condition would you like to have in your life, that you don't have now?

....and Danger Man's favorite:

10. Tell me about YOU!